Just looking for a bit of a pep talk

[learner]

Me and my husband have been poly for about 5 years - it's been a fairly smooth ride so far, although I've been a lot more 'active' than he has. It makes me feel a bit guilty sometimes, but it's his choice really.

About 6 months ago I met a guy who I developed a close friendship of sorts with very quickly. I told him about the poly, he was accepting and initially showed some interest, but then decided that he really didn't want to pursue anything physical with me because it was 'dangerous' and didn't fit in with his wishes to settle down in a long term relationship, have a family etc. etc.

(Although me and my husband haven't got any definitive boundaries with regards to what might happen with potential partners, he's been pretty clear that me having children with anyone else is something he wouldn't be able to deal with).

So this 'friendship' has continued, intensified and to be perfectly honest fulfils everything I might want in a poly relationship minus the physical side, which I've never really been that bothered about anyway. I'd say there's a bit of awkwardness between us because of the physical boundaries but other than that we're spending a lot of enjoyable, quality time together.

My main problem is that I don't seem to be able to relax and enjoy this relationship for what it is - I worry about the fact that it's going to end when he meets his 'life partner', I find it hard to accept that he doesn't want to take things any further when the signals he gives out are mixed at best. However, when we have talked about this he is very clear that things are not going to change.

Does anyone have any advice on how to avoid ruining what is essentially a very lovely relationship by overthinking and wanting more?

 

[Norwegianpoly]

My only advice would be to try to find out how deep his feelings are for you and in what way you being poly/him entering a poly relationship would deny him the things that he wants for himself in the future. It may be hard for him to picture how life could be.

My boyfriend used to say in the beginning that our budding relationship had to have an end date because of monogamy, plans for a family etc. Now he sees that all those things that he wants, he can have with me. My husband was very opposed to the idea of me having a child with him but now that he sees the love we have for each other and has gotten to know him well he doesn't feel that way anymore, I guess it would be like trying to tell your brother in law he can't be part of the family.

I think also your husband has to come to terms with that you having a close friendship with sensual overtones is going to affect your future, weather or not you have sex with him. I have myself had a sexless sort of friendship sort of romance with someone - that is how I got into poly - and it actually does not matter that there is no sex or touching, if the love is there it will affect everything.

 

[learner]

Thanks @NorweiganPoly - I don't think the love's there from his point of view at least, although it's confusing the way things are going. To be honest I'm scared of rocking the boat too much in case it affects what we have.

My husband's fine with the idea of me being in love, and our friendship as it stands - and yes there's a small possibility he could change his mind in the future about the children thing, but there's no way I could promise my friend a relationship on that basis. None of us is getting any younger either

Much as I would love to have a 'full' relationship with my friend, I completely understand what he's looking for and why - I get frustrated sometimes and I'm struggling, but rationally I don't really think that things could be any different.

 

[kdt26417]

Hi learner,

It's my position that two people can love each other even if they're just friends. Would you agree? If so, then you can have a loving relationship with this man you met six months ago. But you should probably prepare yourself for the possibility that he won't be in your life nearly as much after he meets an ideal monogamous partner. Things like that happen sometimes. I think the key is to live in the here and the now ... not worry about what you might not have tomorrow (nor obsess about what you might have had yesterday). You have a good and loving friendship with this man right now. That's what matters. Cherish it.

I'd be very surprised if he changed his mind about poly. I don't think poly is for him. And yet, you may have some hope or expectation in your subconscious mind that he will change. Letting go of that subliminal expectation is probably a key (if not the key) to accepting what you already have with him, and cherishing that. Just think, if he wasn't in your life right now, you'd be missing out on a great friendship. So, be thankful.

How was that for a pep talk?
Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[learner]

Thanks Kevin, that was exactly what I needed

Yes, it's the 'subconscious hope' that I'm getting hung up on - and obviously the fear of loss. I'm hoping to have another chat with him soon to straighten things out, but living in the moment is something I've always found hard! Getting better though

 

[KC43]

Your situation with your friend is similar to where I'm at with S2 right now. We *were* in a relationship, including sex. Now we're in some limbo-ish thing that our language apparently has no term for. We're more than friends, but we aren't in a relationship. We're no longer having sex, or even kissing except an occasional "good night" peck on the lips when I leave his place after a visit. I both love him and am in love with him, and those, as far as I'm concerned, are separate emotions. He... can't say how he feels about me, because he says he's bad at expressing his feelings, and the word "love" unless it's being applied to his family scares the shit out of him.

He did say that one factor in the downgrading of our relationship is that he wants more kids someday and can't imagine that a potential mother-of-his-children would accept him being in a relationship with me as well. (I can't have any more kids; I had a hysterectomy 6 years ago, and at my age I wouldn't risk a pregnancy anyway.) But he isn't a hundred percent sure about the more kids thing, so that wasn't the only factor.

One of my biggest fears is losing him if he does find another woman to be in a relationship with and have kids with. If this hypothetical woman wouldn't accept him being in a relationship with me, she might not accept him being friends with me either, especially given the depth of our friendship.

But the key word is "hypothetical." Right now, he isn't even looking for anyone else. He doesn't know for sure if he wants more kids, and he's pretty sure he actually *doesn't* want another long-term, monogamous relationship/marriage. He's way better than I am at "let it be what it is and go where it goes," but I'm learning... because I want to enjoy what we have while we have it instead of letting potential futures interfere.

Letting go of what-ifs is far from easy. But as Kevin said, if you're hoping your friend will change his mind, you're more likely to be disappointed than if you can find your way around to thinking and saying, "I really like spending time with him, and this is awesome."

It sounds to me like you *have* what you want with him. Maybe you two aren't calling it a relationship, or considering it one, but you say it's everything you would want from a relationship. Can you look it as "I'm getting the quality time I want from him" and try to let go of the terminology of "relationship" and "love" and "partner" and all that?