Just opened relationship and girlfriend about to go on first sex date

B

Buzzcannon

New member
Hello there,
A little context to begin and I will try to keep this short but my mind is racing and I am generally a rambler but I would appreciate any advice that is offered. Me and my girlfriend have been together for about 2 and a half years, and we discussed opening up our relationship somewhat early on. We live in the USA, and she has been planning on going to England basically since I met her. I thought I was going to move to NYC, so we would undoubtedly be apart. We both very much enjoy sex, however she clearly has the bigger sex drive, and she has had numerous more partners than I have, which has never been an issue. So considering the fact that we would be apart, I thought it only fair that we would try an open relationship, because it is simply not fair to expect someone to go months if not years (we are not very wealthy and trips would be limited and straining on the budget we have) without sex, especially with someone who has an incredibly powerful sex drive.
Our situation did not pan out as expected and now we are living together, and it's the best thing that has ever happened to me. Yet we still anticipate her going to England at some point, so we kept the option open. We didn't talk about it for quite some time, but then she kinda sprung on me that a person she had previously slept with was back in the area and that she wanted to get together with him. That person did not pan out, but then only a couple weeks later she mentioned that she met someone she used to work with at a bar and that he had asked for her number, she definitively stated she was in a relationship, but we had talked about having a threesome so she threw the idea out.
Now this is where I interject and say this honestly made me feel incredibly insecure, and I am not an insecure person, but the fact that 2 people within a 2 week period had come up as potential sex partners when we hadn't discussed it in quite some time made me incredibly jealous, another emotion I do not feel that often, but it undoubtedly reared its ugly head here.
We ended up having the threesome, and it was fun. I won't lie and say it wasn't weird, but it was fun. Then the other guy involved admitted that even though he had fun, he really wanted to just have sex with my GF.
Here's the thing, the idea of her having sex with someone else truly doesn't bother me. I know I meandered up to this point, but the crux of this is is that the text messaging between the both of them is what really has got me in full panic mode. This is the most difficult thing to admit, but they have been texting back and forth, and in my insecurity I have looked at their text exchange. Something I have never done before and never thought I would do, as I am a respectful partner and appreciate our privacy. There is no excuse for my behavior, but what's done is done and I can't go back from it. The idea of them exchanging sexy and explicit messages is what truly makes me uncomfortable. I know this man knew her previously, we let him join us in what is the most intimate of affairs, and I feel like he kinda threw that back in my face by saying, only to her mind you even though we shared a nice dinner and drinks and a bed, that he just wanted her.
Basically I feel like an asshole because this was something that I was behind intellectually, yet at the same time feel shame and jealousy around because I feel........well I don't know what I feel.
Anyone with any suggestions, I know that was quite convoluted, but at this point any words of wisdom would be appreciated. This is scheduled to happen on Saturday so not a huge window of time, but still anything would be good.
Thanks
 
I think when you're early on in the opening up stages, one of the things people struggle with the most is balancing allowing themselves to feel their feelings, but also not acting rashly because of them. There is nothing wrong with feeling jealousy and insecurity. The important thing is how you react to those feelings and what you do with them. You sound like you are generally ok with things as a whole, but are just having episodes of thoughts crop up that on some level you realize are irrational. So feel them, but also consider reminding yourself that you know your partner loves you, etc.

I'd also suggest that you have a conversation with her and make sure she realizes that this is hard for you, that you still want to be supportive of her and still open the relationship, but just need to her to know that it IS hard and that you would appreciate that she be respectful of that and let her know if there's anything you need/would like such as some reassurances before or after her date, etc.

Sometimes it's just a matter of experience and seeing that after the first few dates/etc. that the world hasn't ended and the relationship hasn't imploded and then your brain is just able to relax a bit and say "oh hey, look, everything IS still fine!"

So don't ignore your feelings, but see if you can get to the root of what specifically is making you feel that way, try to work through it, and communicate communicate communicate with your partner! Best of luck to you!
 
I can certainly understand your confusion right now. It is so hard to describe some of the feelings we will find within ourselves when we sign up for this little poly adventure. Mrs. R has been dating a younger man for over a year and a half now and she proudly calls him her cougar cub. It seemed like a great idea when we opened our relationship but nerves enter into the equation. We started with having 3- somes and that helped me get comfortable with her feelings of wanting not only to have sex with another man but many of the other things you mention such as the explicit texts. She would mail him cards expressing her love and her lust for him. For myself those were harder to swallow than the actual sex. I had no problem with seeing him sliding inside of her and in fact I got off on having my own personal porn movie right in front of my eyes. We enjoyed the DP's and Mrs. got off on the idea of surrendering herself to be tied up and used in any way possible.
Fast forwarding to more recent I decided to suggest for her birthday that the 2 of them should have an overnight in a motel to celebrate her special day. That first overnight was tough for me but the strength of our relationship won through. She had become even more passionate toward me through all of this.
Around this time I was finally able to start a relationship with a widowed female I approached online. We dated a couple of months and in fact Mrs. R encouraged me to do an overnight at a motel with my new partner. It was quite hot for the 2 of us to double date of go out on dates seperate the same night. Sadly my partner fell in love and had to admit she could no longer share me with my wife and I needed to choose. Of course I chose to end the second relationship because Mrs. R and I are until death do us part. That experience further solidified our committment to this poly lifestyle and each other. Don't deprive yourself of experiencing these many emotions. They can all pay dividends someday in your own relationship if you two keep the lines of communication open and build off of these insecurities
Mr RU - hubby poly but not currently dating except in a V with wife and cub
Mrs. RU- wife poly and dating cub
cub- boyfriend in a V with Mr. and Mrs. RU
 
Thanks for the replies everyone,
We have had an open line of communication throughout this whole process, the weird thing is is that generally I am the more reserved partner when it comes to expressing my feelings or emotions, and my girlfriend, I'll refer to her as 'L', is very open with her feelings. Yet I've come to realize that even though L is more expressive emotionally, the way she expresses it is rather straight to the point. A flooding of I love you's or a small expression of gratitude. I appreciate all these things and I truly do not doubt or fear that these are some form of placating or what not. However, and maybe because I tend to be less outward with my feelings, when I do express myself I tend to get very articulate and long winded about it all. So we had a conversation at dinner last night talking about her date with this other guy, and I asked her to try and go a little deeper as to what she was looking for out of it, what the night might potentially look like, and she found it difficult to give me an answer I felt gave me a little more insight into her expectations.
Am I wrong in anticipating her to match my articulation of my feelings, L is not a stupid woman, quite intelligent actually which is one of the reasons I have come to love her so intensely, but I still feel like she's holding back from me. And maybe that's just unfair because she can only say what she feels compelled to, and maybe it really is just that simple for her, and it's my issue to contend with. I generally overthink everything, which is a blessing and a curse.
I would also just like to clarify that we have not had any discussion nor do I think we have any interest at this time to have an actual poly relationship, at this point the discussion has only been about opening up for purely sexual relationships.
Finally, I think a lot of it is the fact that I feel left behind in a sense, because she's already had 2 potential partners, and I haven't even sniffed the potential for another partner. Any suggestions on how to go about finding someone to start things up with. It's one thing to initiate something when you're single, but being partnered already I really don't have a resource to find people comfortable with such a situation. I have to be honest with any other person about my relationship and the details of it, so any resources or suggestions on that front would also be appreciated.
Appreciate anyone taking the time to read this and for any replies. Honestly just being able to type it out really helps.
 
Re:
"Any suggestions on how to go about finding someone to start things up with?"
Click to expand...

OKCupid. (or Tinder)
 
Oh man, I so feel you. I so know how it is. My long term partner just recently started sleeping with someone else (for the first time in our 3.5 year relationship - despite being open the whole time - this is the first time either of us has actually taken a lover and exercised the openness of our relationship), and so I get the apprehension that comes along with that. I get the irrational, uncharacteristic hard-feelings.

Right now, I am drinking wine, with tunes up, surfing the net and having a total guilt-free lounge-fest, because my partner is off on his first overnight date. I need to keep my mind off imagining them having sex, and off self-pity or anger. I need to focus on being HAPPY, with myself, my relationship, and doing things that bring me joy.

My partner has also had a series of flirtations and sexual possibilities lately. I too am feeling a little bit left behind. I know I am a catch, beautiful, intelligent, and a really great lover/companion; but I am feeling totally rusty on dating and a bit unsure on where to even start looking. I realize that I have gotten comfortable in the world of not-looking, not-dating.

Sigh.

My advice is take the time that she is away on dates to do something you totally love. It could be video games, art, catching up on the phone with an old friend, exercising, take a workshop or make a big meal. Anything that brings you joy. There is something nice about having your partner come home from a date and being able to tell them you weren't moping, but instead having an awesome time.
 
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