Just starting to date as married and poly - Suggestions please.

I can see now why you are triggered and have a chip on your shoulder.

I am not your ex husband. I’m not talking about being a “pick up artist”. To clarify, im talking about taking better pictures, dressing nice, and writing a good profile about yourself. That’s not manipulation or objectification.

Your judgements of me are extreme, unfounded, and based purely on your own experiences and traumas. This onslaught of yours is not about me, it’s about you.
 
Not at all. I'm not the only one who can see the attitude in what you posted, apparently.

But hey, apparently I'm just a fish who doesn't know what she wants :p
 
Inaniel said:
I can see now why you are triggered and have a chip on your shoulder.

I am not your ex husband. I’m not talking about being a “pick up artist”. To clarify, im talking about taking better pictures, dressing nice, and writing a good profile about yourself. That’s not manipulation or objectification.

Your judgements of me are extreme, unfounded, and based purely on your own experiences and traumas. This onslaught of yours is not about me, it’s about you.
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Inaniel, I agree with Vicki. The stuff you're saying on this thread has a whiff of the "Pickup Artist" vibe. (And that's not because I have any experience or trauma about it).

I don't believe you intended it to come across that way, but there is no reason to be so defensive about it.
 
Ones experience in online dating is extremely gender specific. A man can’t understand a woman’s experience any more than a woman can understand a man’s experience. Everyone is a fish in the expression, ergo, “plenty of fish in the sea”.
 
Why can't they understand someone else's experience? At least if they have tried to?

Leetah
 
Leetah said:
Why can't they understand someone else's experience? At least if they have tried to?

Leetah
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I’ve dated online for many years; I have talked to a lot of women about the online dating experience and at best I can come to a place where I sympathize. For example, as a man, when I go on a date, I’m not worried about being raped, assaulted, murdered, etc... whereas this is a principle concern for many women when online dating; that type of fear is something that I cannot relate to from experience due to my gender.

That is one example for illustration sake; but the gender specificity of online dating percolates through every aspect of it.

Anyone who wants to get better at something should seek out someone with the experience and the inclination to teach others. For this topic specifically, experience is going to be gender specific. There could be outliers; but when I was composing a quick reply to give a man advice on online dating I suggested seeking advice from men who have been there before him and found success. It’s the surest approach to making improvements.

Everyone is talking about “pick up artists”; but not what it means. Perhaps some of you should chime in and share what that term means to you. I think the people in this thread are referring to a population of men that attempt to seduce women by socially demeaning the woman to elevate the man’s power in the dynamic. This is of course not what I was ever talking about.

The “pick-up” phenomenon and its bad eggs has caused so much sensitivity that the very concept of a man marking some improvements on himself for the purpose of becoming more attractive to the opposite sex immediately causes some women to sound the “pickup artist, misogynistic-pig” alarm. It is a sad double standard that men have to deal with when talking about dating.
 
Inaniel, you told him that Women can't understand a man's experiences and to completely ignore articles by women talking about online dating.

Perhaps you meant that because men and women often get different types of responses the strategies generally suggested for women seeking men are not so effective for men seeking women?

It came across as you saying to ignore what women say they want, even in well thought out articles, if you dazzle them with good pictures and smooth talk you can get lots of NSA sex.

That is why a number of women posters felt insulted.

Leetah
 
Inaniel said:
Anyone who wants to get better at something should seek out someone with the experience and the inclination to teach others.
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Anyone who wants to get better at something should seek out someone who is successful with it, not just experienced. I'm curious to know: How many long term relationships have begun for you via online dating?



Inaniel said:
Plenty of single women who don’t identify as poly would love to have an exciting sexual relationship with a married man. These women can exist just fine in the poly space, I know from experience.....But again, don’t date poly! There are tons of women interested in NSA relationships, fewer that identify openly as poly, and even fewer that do so on a public forum such as a dating site.
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These comments aren't misogynistic. Misogyny is hating women and there's nothing here that intimates hate or bigotry. These comments do suppose that married men looking for poly partners would be compatible with single women looking for casual sex, which seems like a basic mismatch in intention.




Inaniel said:
Take advice from men that get results and ignore articles written by women.....It’s hard for women to understand online dating from a male perspective and vice versa.
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I say take advice from people who have the kind of success that you are looking for. Sure, men and women have different dating experiences based on their gender, but not all men are looking for NSA sex - and from my experience, very few poly-oriented men want anything to do with casual encounters. Take advice from people who are good at what you want to be good at.
 
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