Just starting to date as married and poly - Suggestions please.

I guess I wouldn't mind a little input.

Background. I came out to my wife as poly in Jan of 2018 and it was a struggle for her even though we had done some swinging and she has no problem with me having sex with other women. My coming out as "poly" in mindset came with the disclosure that I was emotionally close with an acquaintance of ours. It was the emotional closeness that threatened my wife.

Fast forward to today, and my wife and I have done a LOT of emotional work. She is ok with my platonic girlfriend, the one previously disclosed. She knows that I would have sex with my girlfriend in a moment if she herself was poly. She is also ok with me now being on OkCupid.

My goal is to have a couple "Coffee" dates that have the potential of becoming sexual. That would be nice.

So what I know or have learned so far:

Dating sites suck for men :( Not something I guess I didn't already now, but I figured the number of potential partners might be higher in what may be one of the largest metro centers in the US, Los Angeles. My search parameters is women 40-62 who are non-monogamous. Within 50 miles there are about 16 matches. About on third look interesting.

Now don't get me wrong, I am not looking for OkCupid to add any value to my life. It has been mostly an exercise in possibilities for both myself and my wife. I have a wonderful wife and girlfriend that I love (even though it is platonic), and I have the ability to meet people on my own, as I have rich social circle and am not afraid of new conversations. But only 16 people in all of LA, wow that is a small pool.

In general I am pretty discriminating, I will only respond to a women that appears to have what I find an interesting outlook on life that might be similar to mine. Right now I hope to simply get a chance at a coffee date and be able to share my experience and conversation. Because my intro text is usually well thought out and sincere, I have received responses. Plus I would try to focus on women that are not looking for the "ONE" as I don't have a lot of extra time and wouldn't want to have any women expect that I had more time than I do. I figure with one to two years of playing around on okcupid, I might have a couple positive experiences. No big deal.

So my question regarding dating sites. Is this number, 16 non monogamous women between the ages of 40 and 62 in a 50 mile radius in Los Angeles, really how thin the dating pool is on OkCupid for non-mono. Would anybody recommend any other dating site or ideas?

What I know about real world dating: I have no problem meeting women and asking them out to coffee or even dinner. Most woman find me approachable and I really enjoy the company of women. The problem is that I am married, so from their prospective I am off the table. The OkCupid site then allows me to "Date my Species" so to speak, that was my original reason for okcupid.

I don't want to be hitting on women who love and trust me as a married man. I can tell that if I were to share my poly nature they would see me as 3 headed green monster. There simply is just too much mono programming in the world for most people.

So at this point my current method of gauging my audiences receptivity to poly is to simply be open and share my experience. Which looks like "oh yes, my wife and my girlfriend" as it pops up in conversation. I have yet to get a oh that's interesting tell me more. When I get the awkward vibe, then I know going further down that conversational path isn't going to happen and I just let it be. It could be that I am just starting to get more comfortable with my poly situation and that I have telegraphed the awkwardness ahead of my message. Time will tell as I put out more feelers.

So my question in the normal world is how might you look for openings or opportunities in the real world.

My overall assessment is that everything is fine with my situation. I am not really looking to date a whole lot as I already have a full life. My priority is also to further developing my relationship with my wife so that the presence of my girlfriend only adds to the quality of everybody life. So maybe I already have enough "poly" work to do.

I just wanted to share my situation and see if there was something I was missing. Thank you to everyone on this site for the work you do, and your willingness to share. With gratitude, John
 
Is this number, 16 non monogamous women between the ages of 40 and 62 in a 50 mile radius in Los Angeles, really how thin the dating pool is on OkCupid for non-mono. Would anybody recommend any other dating site or ideas?[/qupte]

Following for the "are there better dating apps?" OKC so far is the most populous, but the recent updates have made it so you CAN'T say you only want to look for poly people; B has been on it and it's only about 1/10 people who are poly.


So my question in the normal world is how might you look for openings or opportunities in the real world.

I'd look for friends of friends; go to a party with some other poly people that is by and for poly people. Go to one of my city's meet ups. Right now B may have found someone interested (I think she is), but she'd be a baby poly. So, not always the easiest.

Going through mutual friends ensures at least a little that they are good people, that they are poly, and that there may be more compatibility rather than Russian Roulette
 
Other than being frustrated with people's ignorance, why do you care what people think? The goal of dating is to find someone who is compatible. Dating weeds them out. No need to find the right person right off the bat. Even if you find yourself in a room with a hundred poly women a good percentage of them aren't going to be compatible with you for one reason or another.

As for OKC, I've found that not all non-monogamous people list themselves as such. I suggest answering as many questions as possible, especially the ones that address non-monogamy. Then look at high match percentages.

As for LA, try googling poly meetups in your area, or poly groups. There has to be a few of those in LA.
 
Poly Cocktails was founded in NYC and now has chapters in a few major US cities, including LA. It's well attended in New York, so should also have quite a healthy following in LA. The founder is a friend of mine. :) He started the regular meet-up for many of the reasons you cite. Dating apps are just one way to meet and many poly people are not on them. I guarantee that there are waaaay more than 16 women who meet your criteria in the LA area.
 
I'd look for friends of friends; go to a party with some other poly people that is by and for poly people. Go to one of my city's meet ups. Right now B may have found someone interested (I think she is), but she'd be a baby poly. So, not always the easiest.

Going through mutual friends ensures at least a little that they are good people, that they are poly, and that there may be more compatibility rather than Russian Roulette
Thank you ElMango

Why do you care what people think? The goal of dating is to find someone who is compatible. Dating weeds them out. No need to find the right person right off the bat. Even if you find yourself in a room with a hundred poly women a good percentage of them aren't going to be compatible with you for one reason or another.

vinsanity, thank you for your thoughts. Yes I need to not care.

As for OKC, I've found that not all non-monogamous people list themselves as such. I suggest answering as many questions as possible, especially the ones that address non-monogamy. Then look at high match percentages. .

Hmmmm... Interesting.. I will work on my profile and consider this type of matching. Thanks

Poly Cocktails was founded in NYC and now has chapters in a few major US cities, including LA. It's well attended in New York, so should also have quite a healthy following in LA. The founder is a friend of mine. :) He started the regular meet-up for many of the reasons you cite. Dating apps are just one way to meet and many poly people are not on them. I guarantee that there are waaaay more than 16 women who meet your criteria in the LA area.

FallenAngelina, Thank you for this link, great way to add to the mix. Perfect suggestion.
 
Hello John,
Here are some resources for meeting people (other than OKC):

"As for where to meet poly people, if by some chance you are interested in anything alternative like Renaissance fairs, goth culture, sci-fi conventions, indie music, bdsm, or any small fringe group, you will be more likely to meet people who have at least heard of poly and are accepting of it."
-- SpaceHippieGeek, Polyamorous Percolations

Even if it's not an "alternative" type group, if there's a club or something in your area that does something you're interested in, you can always join that group and it just gives you a way to get out there and meet people. If you meet someone on a platonic level and get to talking about poly, then they can decide how they feel about it without any "pressure to agree." Then if they do decide poly doesn't bother them too much, and some kind of romantic connection subsequently develops, you'll already have "had the poly conversation" with them.

And while poly meetups are not usually places where it would be appropriate to hit on people, they do present opportunities to make new platonic friends. And a platonic friendship can sometimes lead to something romantic. I highly recommend joining a poly group in your area, you can look for one (or more) by googling "Los Angeles polyamory." Or use the links in the list above.

It isn't easy to find poly people to date, but with lots of patience and perseverance, you can eventually get there.
Regards,
Kevin T.
 
... OKC so far is the most populous, but the recent updates have made it so you CAN'T say you only want to look for poly people...

?? If you go to Browse Matches and then Advanced Filters there is a Monogamous Yes/No option (also Single/Not Single)
 
?? If you go to Browse Matches and then Advanced Filters there is a Monogamous Yes/No option (also Single/Not Single)

It doesn't work for us; We select it and then still 9/10 people who show up have their profile set to "monogamous". We tried uninstalling and reinstalling.
 
There's an OKC plugin that my friend uses and he finds it very helpful. It sort of filters out poly and kinky people for him.

I also agree with the answering method of questions. When I had a profile there, I ended up only answering questions about relationships styles and preferences. That got me the best matches.
 
There's an OKC plugin that my friend uses and he finds it very helpful. It sort of filters out poly and kinky people for him.

.

Can you share that plug-in if you have it? That sounds extremely helpful! Thank you for telling us about it.
 
I disagree, online dating is gold for men. You just need to learn the system.

My advice is to ditch dating poly, get on tinder and work on yourself.

Plenty of single women who don’t identify as poly would love to have an exciting sexual relationship with a married man. These women can exist just fine in the poly space, I know from experience.

Tinder has the numbers, and people are looking for everything under the sun. Your limited to 500 characters so you have to get to know your matches in person, the way it should be.

You’ve been married for a while, your wife loves you, sex has been comfortable and easy to get. This is not how the dating world works; your walking into intense competition. Good pictures, nice cloths, and excellent communication skills are a MUST. Learn what good pictures are, and learn how to communicate on the dating scene. There are plenty of resources out there. Take advice from men that get results and ignore articles written by women.

Once your in the zone online dating will work very well for you. Too well, in fact. You literally won’t have time to date all of your matches.

One more thing, okcupid does not give you access to the whole database at once; it’s too large for that . They feed you through slowly so things don’t get stale and redundant; OKC’s MO is getting you to spend time on the site. There are certainly more poly people than what you referenced in your area. But again, don’t date poly! There are tons of women interested in NSA relationships, fewer that identify openly as poly, and even fewer that do so on a public forum such as a dating site.

I’m married, and a hinge in a long term poly V with a woman who formally identified as mono.
 
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I disagree, online dating is gold for men. You just need to learn the system.

My advice is to ditch dating poly, get on tinder and work on yourself.

Plenty of single women who don’t identify as poly would love to have an exciting sexual relationship with a married man. These women can exist just fine in the poly space, I know from experience.

Tinder has the numbers, and people are looking for everything under the sun. Your limited to 500 characters so you have to get to know your matches in person, the way it should be.

You’ve been married for a while, your wife loves you, sex has been comfortable and easy to get. This is not how the dating world works; your walking into intense competition. Good pictures, nice cloths, and excellent communication skills are a MUST. Learn what good pictures are, and learn how to communicate on the dating scene. There are plenty of resources out there. Take advice from men that get results and ignore articles written by women.

Once your in the zone online dating will work very well for you. Too well, in fact. You literally won’t have time to date all of your matches.

One more thing, okcupid does not give you access to the whole database at once; it’s too large for that . They feed you through slowly so things don’t get stale and redundant; OKC’s MO is getting you to spend time on the site. There are certainly more poly people than what you referenced in your area. But again, don’t date poly! There are tons of women interested in NSA relationships, fewer that identify openly as poly, and even fewer that do so on a public forum such as a dating site.

I’m married, and a hinge in a long term poly V with a woman who formally identified as mono.

Why does this sound like an ad for a pickup artist? :p

Y'know, not to mention the whole idea of not listening to what women say they want :p My red pill radar is in overdrive.
 
You don’t ask a fish how to catch a fish. It’s hard for women to understand online dating from a male perspective and vice versa.

I was just trying to help him find more dates. No offense intended to anyone.
 
You don’t ask a fish how to catch a fish. It’s hard for women to understand online dating from a male perspective and vice versa.

I was just trying to help him find more dates. No offense intended to anyone.

Women aren't fish. They're human beings.

Hence my point about women being objectified and all the red pill crap.
 
It’s a figure of speech.

There’s nothing wrong or unethical about a man learning how to spruce up his online dating profile and learning new communication skills; for the purpose of attracting more matches.
 
Ignore articles written by women
It’s a figure of speech.

Your fish comment was “just” a figure of speech. Applied to women, after what you already said, was just basic misogynist bullshit.

Many people here can offer advice to a person without classifying women as useless for advice and easy to manipulate into dating you. Which, yes, is objectifying, misogynist crap.
 
Your fish comment was “just” a figure of speech. Applied to women, after what you already said, was just basic misogynist bullshit.

Many people here can offer advice to a person without classifying women as useless for advice and easy to manipulate into dating you. Which, yes, is objectifying, misogynist crap.

Useless? Manipulate? You said those things not me. Do you always put words in other people’s mouths like that?
 
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