CaptainUnderpants
New member
I guess I wouldn't mind a little input.
Background. I came out to my wife as poly in Jan of 2018 and it was a struggle for her even though we had done some swinging and she has no problem with me having sex with other women. My coming out as "poly" in mindset came with the disclosure that I was emotionally close with an acquaintance of ours. It was the emotional closeness that threatened my wife.
Fast forward to today, and my wife and I have done a LOT of emotional work. She is ok with my platonic girlfriend, the one previously disclosed. She knows that I would have sex with my girlfriend in a moment if she herself was poly. She is also ok with me now being on OkCupid.
My goal is to have a couple "Coffee" dates that have the potential of becoming sexual. That would be nice.
So what I know or have learned so far:
Dating sites suck for men Not something I guess I didn't already now, but I figured the number of potential partners might be higher in what may be one of the largest metro centers in the US, Los Angeles. My search parameters is women 40-62 who are non-monogamous. Within 50 miles there are about 16 matches. About on third look interesting.
Now don't get me wrong, I am not looking for OkCupid to add any value to my life. It has been mostly an exercise in possibilities for both myself and my wife. I have a wonderful wife and girlfriend that I love (even though it is platonic), and I have the ability to meet people on my own, as I have rich social circle and am not afraid of new conversations. But only 16 people in all of LA, wow that is a small pool.
In general I am pretty discriminating, I will only respond to a women that appears to have what I find an interesting outlook on life that might be similar to mine. Right now I hope to simply get a chance at a coffee date and be able to share my experience and conversation. Because my intro text is usually well thought out and sincere, I have received responses. Plus I would try to focus on women that are not looking for the "ONE" as I don't have a lot of extra time and wouldn't want to have any women expect that I had more time than I do. I figure with one to two years of playing around on okcupid, I might have a couple positive experiences. No big deal.
So my question regarding dating sites. Is this number, 16 non monogamous women between the ages of 40 and 62 in a 50 mile radius in Los Angeles, really how thin the dating pool is on OkCupid for non-mono. Would anybody recommend any other dating site or ideas?
What I know about real world dating: I have no problem meeting women and asking them out to coffee or even dinner. Most woman find me approachable and I really enjoy the company of women. The problem is that I am married, so from their prospective I am off the table. The OkCupid site then allows me to "Date my Species" so to speak, that was my original reason for okcupid.
I don't want to be hitting on women who love and trust me as a married man. I can tell that if I were to share my poly nature they would see me as 3 headed green monster. There simply is just too much mono programming in the world for most people.
So at this point my current method of gauging my audiences receptivity to poly is to simply be open and share my experience. Which looks like "oh yes, my wife and my girlfriend" as it pops up in conversation. I have yet to get a oh that's interesting tell me more. When I get the awkward vibe, then I know going further down that conversational path isn't going to happen and I just let it be. It could be that I am just starting to get more comfortable with my poly situation and that I have telegraphed the awkwardness ahead of my message. Time will tell as I put out more feelers.
So my question in the normal world is how might you look for openings or opportunities in the real world.
My overall assessment is that everything is fine with my situation. I am not really looking to date a whole lot as I already have a full life. My priority is also to further developing my relationship with my wife so that the presence of my girlfriend only adds to the quality of everybody life. So maybe I already have enough "poly" work to do.
I just wanted to share my situation and see if there was something I was missing. Thank you to everyone on this site for the work you do, and your willingness to share. With gratitude, John
Background. I came out to my wife as poly in Jan of 2018 and it was a struggle for her even though we had done some swinging and she has no problem with me having sex with other women. My coming out as "poly" in mindset came with the disclosure that I was emotionally close with an acquaintance of ours. It was the emotional closeness that threatened my wife.
Fast forward to today, and my wife and I have done a LOT of emotional work. She is ok with my platonic girlfriend, the one previously disclosed. She knows that I would have sex with my girlfriend in a moment if she herself was poly. She is also ok with me now being on OkCupid.
My goal is to have a couple "Coffee" dates that have the potential of becoming sexual. That would be nice.
So what I know or have learned so far:
Dating sites suck for men Not something I guess I didn't already now, but I figured the number of potential partners might be higher in what may be one of the largest metro centers in the US, Los Angeles. My search parameters is women 40-62 who are non-monogamous. Within 50 miles there are about 16 matches. About on third look interesting.
Now don't get me wrong, I am not looking for OkCupid to add any value to my life. It has been mostly an exercise in possibilities for both myself and my wife. I have a wonderful wife and girlfriend that I love (even though it is platonic), and I have the ability to meet people on my own, as I have rich social circle and am not afraid of new conversations. But only 16 people in all of LA, wow that is a small pool.
In general I am pretty discriminating, I will only respond to a women that appears to have what I find an interesting outlook on life that might be similar to mine. Right now I hope to simply get a chance at a coffee date and be able to share my experience and conversation. Because my intro text is usually well thought out and sincere, I have received responses. Plus I would try to focus on women that are not looking for the "ONE" as I don't have a lot of extra time and wouldn't want to have any women expect that I had more time than I do. I figure with one to two years of playing around on okcupid, I might have a couple positive experiences. No big deal.
So my question regarding dating sites. Is this number, 16 non monogamous women between the ages of 40 and 62 in a 50 mile radius in Los Angeles, really how thin the dating pool is on OkCupid for non-mono. Would anybody recommend any other dating site or ideas?
What I know about real world dating: I have no problem meeting women and asking them out to coffee or even dinner. Most woman find me approachable and I really enjoy the company of women. The problem is that I am married, so from their prospective I am off the table. The OkCupid site then allows me to "Date my Species" so to speak, that was my original reason for okcupid.
I don't want to be hitting on women who love and trust me as a married man. I can tell that if I were to share my poly nature they would see me as 3 headed green monster. There simply is just too much mono programming in the world for most people.
So at this point my current method of gauging my audiences receptivity to poly is to simply be open and share my experience. Which looks like "oh yes, my wife and my girlfriend" as it pops up in conversation. I have yet to get a oh that's interesting tell me more. When I get the awkward vibe, then I know going further down that conversational path isn't going to happen and I just let it be. It could be that I am just starting to get more comfortable with my poly situation and that I have telegraphed the awkwardness ahead of my message. Time will tell as I put out more feelers.
So my question in the normal world is how might you look for openings or opportunities in the real world.
My overall assessment is that everything is fine with my situation. I am not really looking to date a whole lot as I already have a full life. My priority is also to further developing my relationship with my wife so that the presence of my girlfriend only adds to the quality of everybody life. So maybe I already have enough "poly" work to do.
I just wanted to share my situation and see if there was something I was missing. Thank you to everyone on this site for the work you do, and your willingness to share. With gratitude, John