keep striking out

countryguy

New member
Well my wife and I have been poly for a little while now. She is bi and been doing ok with it. Yeah she gets a lot of attention from guys. As for me not so much attention from woman. A lot of them will just flat out ignore me and ones that do start talking to me as soon as they hear I'm married and poly they then tell me no and stop talking or tell m I can't share, don't share well, whats the point of it, why even be married and so on. Yes I have managed to meet some new friends to talk to which is nice. I have tried a few different sites and apps no luck no dates nothing. I have talked to my wife and she seems to not care at all. In fact our sex life has gone down hill, even impossible to get a goodnight kiss and a little bedtime cuddle time. Hell I cant even remember the last time we just sat on the couch and made out or even laying in bed making out. I have no clue what I can do.
 
Unfortunately thats pretty common for men. It seems finding men willing to date a married women is easy but a lot harder for men to find mates. I prefer single men myself because I don't want to deal with a metamore but id say most poly women will date a married man. Perhaps try fetlife? Nate has met a woman off there but most of the people hes met were either friends/coworkers of mine, social networking friends, or people he's met in real life. He's not had any success on okcupid other than convrrsationns.
 
Are you under the illusion that if she has another partner, you're supposed to have one too? Like, it's all supposed to be equal? If you are trying to meet people just to have what she has, it will backfire. No women want to be in someone's life so he can keep score or be even with his poly wife - they want to be with someone who wants to be with them just because of attraction and enjoying their company. So, stop trying so hard and just be open to seeing what happens if you meet someone you really dig.

The issue of your wife not being affectionate with you anymore is a separate problem. You need to state clearly what your needs are that are not being met.
 
There are plenty of men willing to do what ever in hopes of having sex. Doesn't mean they are looking for a long term commited relationship with a married woman.

Stop keeping score.

If your wife is neglecting you and your marriage it is time to sit down and talk about it. Adding partners never fixes a relationship, if anything it tears it apart.
 
Hi countryguy,

Sorry you are having bad luck. Like the others said it is common for poly men to have a harder time finding dates than poly women do. What apps and sites have you tried? Are there any local poly groups in your area? What else can you do to get out there and meet people?

It concerns me that your wife isn't being very affectionate with you. I think you should talk to her about that, perhaps ask if there's something you're doing wrong to make her less interested. Maybe she doesn't even realize things are any different, I don't know. Perhaps if you make the first move and/or ask her specifically for what you want, that'll help?

Hope you have some better luck soon,
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Hang out with people, make new friends, and see what develops? Talk to old friends and see what happens?

It's better, surely, that these women you're approaching are being straightforward that they can't deal with a poly situation than if they lied, or if they tried and failed. Much turmoil seems to end up in the latter situations.

If you were not married and in a poly situation, how would you go about getting a girlfriend? Would it be through dating sites and apps, or would it be through meeting them in other social contexts? How did it work? I'd try to apply those skills to this. You are probably going to run into a lot more misses than hits, either way, because we're socialized to monogamy, and standard dogma says that a married man looking for a girlfriend is trying to cheat on his wife, but given enough time and opportunity, you may find someone.

If that is you what you want. As others have mentioned, it's not a competition. Just because your wife is dating someone, doesn't mean you need to.

As to a lack of affection with your wife: any idea why? NRE can cause people to neglect their previous relationships. OTOH, sometimes there's other reasons for a spouse to draw back on affection. This is something you need to talk to her about, and see if the two of you can get down to root cause.
 
I don't have any advice about how to meet someone online. We tried lots of sites in an attempt to find the one. We ended up finding her right next door. We just had to open our eyes to what was right in front of us. Maybe taking a step back to see what is around you could be helpful.

As far as your relationship with your wife goes it sounds like you guys need to sit down and talk. I'm not very experienced with being poly but I can tell you it takes a lot of work to maintain for any amount of time. It's not as simple as wife finds someone, you find someone, everyone lives happily ever after. Which I'm sure you're aware of already. In the heat of a new relationship I can see where it would be easy for your wife to forget that.

One of the major things we do in our relationships is regular check-ins to be sure everyone is OK. If we neglect one part of it the entire thing will fall apart. It can be a lot of work but worth it to see everyone as happy as they are. My relationship with my husband is better than it's ever been now that he is finally free to be himself. Seeing the love he has for his girlfriend makes my heart happy in ways I can't put into words. In turn he feeds off my positive energy within our relationship and gives me back the same amount of energy. We regularly tell one another we love you more today than we did yesterday and mean every word of it.
 
If you were not married and in a poly situation, how would you go about getting a girlfriend? Would it be through dating sites and apps, or would it be through meeting them in other social contexts? How did it work? I'd try to apply those skills to this.

It sounds like he's already doing that, and already meeting women. But he is married. And that is exactly why they're not interested in dating him. It is a huge detriment to most women, and for very good reason.


You are probably going to run into a lot more misses than hits, either way, because we're socialized to monogamy, and standard dogma says that a married man looking for a girlfriend is trying to cheat on his wife, but given enough time and opportunity, you may find someone.

There are very good reasons not to date a married man, that have nothing to do with 'socialization.' There are some very reasonable questions there, some very reasonable concerns, and some obvious limitations that conflict with most people's whole purpose in dating.

It always baffles me that married men are baffled why a woman wouldn't want to date him when he's already married.

I think the real question, which has been posed on this board before, needs to remain: Why should a single woman date a married man? What are the benefits to her? What does countryguy, or any married man, have to offer a single woman?
 
Perhaps try fetlife?

I'd suggest not trying Fetlife personally...

Thing is meeting someone over the net is hard enough as it is, doing so via a social media site (rather than a dating site) is even harder. Add in that building a kinky relationship requires a great deal more trust building and well frankly it's a lot harder over the Net full stop.

For clarity Fetlife is a social media site not a dating site. The proof is in the layout - there are events pages, groups, a news feed, profile pages which display friends, a wall which friends can write on publicly. Dating sites have functions which allow you to search for users by certain criteria (Age, gender, location, sexuality, kink label...) plus they tend to be engineered towards more singular communication (comments aren't public, friends etc are hidden); Fetlife meets neither of these.

If you want to meet kinky women then I suggest signing up to it sure, but attend munches and meet them in person rather than sending unsolicited messages over the internet.

I also completely agree with Kevin; it worries me that you feel she doesn't care and that your needs for intimacy aren't being met. Is she aware of the impact this is having on you? You need to take ownership of your feelings but you also need her to be aware that your needs aren't being met within your relationship with her (if that doesn't sound too needy?). Frankly I think that's a basic standard that goes with any relationship.
 
There are plenty of non kinky poly women on fet which is why I suggested it. I think social networking sites are a great way to meet like minded people and cultivate friendships and build connections. I met nate of of MySpace for instance. To each his own but I know nate had met the majority of his lovers that way. Not a single one of the 2 dozen have been from dating sites.
 
[raises hand] Vanilla male Fetlifer here.

Fet does also offer private messaging between users (private as far as I know at least!). You can also do a city/State search and find people in your area (then look at their profiles and see if you and they have some common ground). So while Fetlife isn't a dating site per se, it can sort of be adapted to the purpose. And it's a poly-friendly venue.

The three official poly-friendly dating sites I know of are:

They're certainly worth a try. OKC is the most popular.
 
I have the same problem. Most women i talk to turn away for multiple reasons. I have been looking to meet someone for a while myself and i dont do it to keep score or anything but it is very hard to do it. I dont know what else to do either so if i have any luck ill tell you how but dont get discouraged. I almost did but im to stubborn to give in
 
Back
Top