Kevin's Hetero MFM Poly-Fi V

6:10 p.m., Friday the 13th

BH got home late yesterday, so, we did not watch any episodes. Today, BH and SB both got home at about 5:30. Dinner yesterday was leftovers, dinner today will be microwave burritos (bean/cheese). Not sure whether we'll watch anything. SB has to work tomorrow (not the usual schedule), she will be on a late shift so she is going to stay up late tonight and get up late tomorrow.
 
7:16 p.m., Saturday the 14th

In about 15 minutes (very rough estimate), FNG will come over and we will either watch a movie on TV or just sit around and drink and shoot the shit. SB has left to go to work, something she normally doesn't have to do on a Saturday. I guess the credit union is upgrading to a new software package. Dinner tonight was veggie burgers, along with some sweet peppers.
 
11:27 a.m., Sunday the 15th

Well for some reason FNG did not come over, perhaps he got nervous? Anyway, BH and I watched two more episodes of Goliath.

SB got home very late from work, so she is still asleep right now. Hopefully she will sleep long enough to be well rested. BH made coffee.
 
2:16 p.m., Tuesday the 17th

Not very long after SB woke up on Sunday, she had to go back to work, there were still problems that she could not fix remotely from home. Depressing. She got home around 8:30 p.m. (she said she could have easily stayed longer) and brought pizza with her. Since it was late we did not watch any episodes.

Yesterday we ate out at Pho Yelm. We walked, it's that close. After we got home, BH and I watched a Goliath episode.

It's been really hot out there. We have a few days coming up in the upper 70's, which is quite a relief. I'm a little extra stressed out today for some unknown reason. This concludes my riport.
 
11:48 a.m., Thursday the 19th

It's 60° out right now. So I have turned off the A/C units, and opened the windows. Today's high is supposed to be 74°. Friday, 77°, Saturday, 80°. After that, til next Thursday, temps will be in the upper 80's and lower 90's.

I could really use a drink right now but I am trying to cut down. SB's coworkers gave her a bottle of Grey Goose vodka for her birthday; she specifically instructed me not to have any. It's been sitting in the fridge/freezer for two months, tormenting me. I'm extra stressed out again today and I don't know why.

SB has instructed BH and I to not watch any episodes on nights when he has to work the next day. So no episodes since my last entry. Maybe we'll watch something this coming Saturday.
 
3:03 p.m., Friday the 20th

Okay, no episodes tomorrow (Saturday). Because, we're going to have a game night here with a few of SB's coworkers. I've been invited to participate, and I think I'll give it a try. FNG is planning to be there too, and I'm pretty sure BH will be participating.

Today's high is supposed to be 74°, it's 71° right now. Tomorrow, 79°. After that, six days of upper 80's, low 90's. Well what can one expect in July? Anyway, I've had the windows open today.
 
1:08 p.m., Sunday the 22nd

It's 80° right now. The windows are open, but I expect them to be closed later on today. It's gonna be nothing but high 80's, low 90's for the next seven days.

So yesterday evening was game night. FNG did not show but two of SB's coworkers (plus one boyfriend) were there. It was pretty fun. Though I have to say, by far my favorite game is Cards Against Humanity.

Today, BH and SB are helping FNG clean up his storage unit (nextdoor on our same side of the street). I am just sitting here doing my computer routine. This concludes my riport.
 
2:45 p.m., Tuesday the 24th

Later on Sunday, we ended up going out for dinner with FNG. I'm pretty sure BH and I watched an episode afterwards. Then last night, we watched the last episode of Season One and the first episode of Season Two. Tonight's a work night for BH so, no episodes. I won't ask.
 
5:14 p.m., Thursday the 26th

Just to give you an idea how much I hate having a phone, I just learned (from SB) today that you call your own number to get your voicemail. There's also a second voicemail number I can use for when I'm not calling from my own phone. Who knew?

Nothing special for dinner tonight, just TV dinners. Yesterday dinner was a lox bagel, plus some veggies with hummus. It's hotter than Hell outside. That's all I have to tell you.
 
3:21 p.m., Friday the 27th

Both of the cats are keeping me company, they're snoozing/relaxing on the cushion right next to me, my computer, and the window. I try not to run my A/C unit too often because I figure they like it warm.

Yesterday we had TV dinners as planned, plus a bonus, cheese sticks. I don't know what the plan is for tonight.
 
5:53 p.m., Sunday the 29th

So, yesterday, things got kind of switched around, FNG spontaneously decided to do stuff with SB and me. We went to the Yelm "farmer's market" to get some wine, then we went to Don Juan's in Tenino. All told pretty fun and enjoyable, even if it was not what was planned. After that, SB and I went shopping at Safeway. We were still full from having eaten at Don Juan's, so we basically skipped dinner. Today SB is making an Indian curry dish, butter chicken.

It's still pretty hot out there, 93°. On Wednesday it will be "only" 81°, then we'll have three days in the 70's.

BH had to work today, a change from his usual schedule. To balance things out, he will be off on Wednesday (as well as tomorrow and Tuesday). So he was at work today, so SB and I watched three L&O:SVU episodes.

This concludes my riport.
 
11:17 a.m., Monday the 30th

Dinner was yummy. I think all three of us had seconds. We also had wine (from the farmer's market), a sweet wine and on the strong side, and BH being "a cheap date," he was heavily affected by the wine, and not able to do any episodes. But we might do an episode tonight (if we don't do any wine).

I am just finishing off the Christian Brothers port that SB bought for me at my request on Saturday. When I'm done, I'll ease off on the drinkypoo for sure.
 
4:14 p.m., Wednesday the 1st

It was my plan to ease off. Then, darn it if FNG didn't show up at our house with a bottle of wine in one hand. Then, one thing led to another and pretty soon we were finishing off a second bottle of wine and the whole thing turned into a party. It was pretty fun, I'm actually surprised the cops didn't show up to tell us to tone it down.

FNG has loaned his Season One of Game of Thrones to BH, and so we've started watching those episodes. I've actually watched quite a few episodes already, so this is a second viewing for me. We have watched S1E1 so far.
 
4:36 p.m., Thursday the 2nd

So a week or two ago, I was informed that BH was not getting enough sleep on work nights, and that I should not ask if we're watching anything on those nights. Something to that effect. Since then, on BH's work nights, I have been automatically turning in after dinner without asking if we're watching anything. Including last night, which was a work night for BH. Once I was in bed, I heard some snatches of conversation ... "'Orange Is the New Black' has some new episodes" ... "I think Kevin is already in bed" ... some more stuff I couldn't make out, then I hear the TV. After five or ten minutes, it became obvious to me that BH and SB were watching something out there. I considered getting up and joining them, but it didn't seem like the thing to do.

I woke up in the middle of the night, suddenly very upset about what had happened. I felt like I had honored SB's/BH's request to not pressure him to watch anything on his work nights, and as a "reward" I had been left out. I didn't understand what had happened, and I didn't know what to do tonight (another work night). I guess I'll ask if we're watching anything. I'd rather be chewed out for asking, than I would go through a repeat of last night. I don't feel so bad now, but at the time my emotions were all over the place. I realize now that I was blowing things way out of proportion. I realize that. I was having an emotional reaction, not a logical reaction. But hey, if anyone is reading this blog and thinking, "OMG boring," well, now you have some genuine dysfunction you can sink your teeth into. You're welcome.

When I woke up (and got up) this morning, I still felt like shit. I was dying for a drink. A strong one. I would have poured myself some Everclear if there had been any around. Fortunately for my liver, I had no money, and all the booze in the house was hidden. I even looked for it in a few places, but no luck. So I had to go through today sober. It sucked, at least for the first few hours. So, there ya go, even more dysfunction. Nice, tasty dysfunction. Bon appétit. I'm a spoiled drunkard. Come on, treat yourself, go ahead and feel a little superior. As a small token of my appreciation for reading my boring blog. :p

The question of whether BH is getting enough sleep is now a full-blown mystery. And I have concluded that it's not my problem. Sometimes it's enough if I can just get through the day without killing myself. Yes, I have everything a guy could want in life, but I still often wish that it was over. As it says in the song "Old Man River," I'm "tired of living, and scared of dying." I'm scared every day. Little things scare me. The future inspires dread in me. Death is an awful proposition, but at least it means the end of dread. No don't worry, I won't hang myself, I wouldn't have the stomach for it. But anxiety is my constant companion, even on the days when I'm doing "well." It's all downhill from here.

Okay, back to your regularly-scheduled boredom.
 
*gentle hug* if you want one, Kevin.

I would have been upset too about the episode watching thing. It’s probably a misunderstanding, a goof. Did you ask BH or Snowbunny? They would likely want to know they hurt you.

I’ve been struggling with anxiety too. It’s hard to remember the brain lies in such situations. Seems so real. (Not saying your anxiety is not real. The disease is very real - just not what one’s brain spits out when anxious.)

I would miss your boring updates terribly. Just so you know.
 
Ah, that sucks man - both what happened with BH and SB and your anxiety. (Another anxiety sufferer here...)

I'd want to get to the bottom of it and would probably ask BH privately what the deal is, but that is totally your call.

I hope you feel better soon.
 
11:16 a.m., Friday the 3rd

At the time I wrote my last entry (yesterday), I thought I was doing better, I felt like I could get through this. Then Snowbunny got home, and all the bad feelings came boiling back up. I tried not to let it show, but I guess part of me wanted it to show. I tried not to talk about it, but eventually Snowbunny said, "I feel like you're holding something back from me." Then I tried to talk about it without getting mad, but I was super hurt. I didn't raise my voice or anything, but I was mad and I'm sure Snowbunny could tell. I was defensive. We had a short, unpleasant conversation about the whole thing, and while I probably won the argument, I felt like I lost. I assume Snowbunny didn't feel great either, but in my defense, it is my understanding that she gets over things a lot quicker than I do.

Brother-Husband had a late day at work so at least he wasn't exposed to any of this, which is a good thing. By the time he got home, I was in bed. From what I've seen over the years, he prefers to remain oblivious about relationship problems, and is uncomfortable with communication. So if the problem could be solved by just me and Snowbunny, that would be far better. Much more effective. I'm assuming she considers the matter settled, but who knows. I do know that I feel awful again today. Possibly worse. Yesterday I felt hurt, today I feel hurt and guilty. Guilty for telling the truth. When I was asked to tell it. Guilty, hurt, mad, and sad. Guilty for getting so bent out of shape over such a little thing, when BH and SB are so good to me in general. Why can't I just show a little gratitude?

It's official, I will go back to asking BH on his work nights if he and I are going to watch anything. And I don't even feel like asking him anymore, but I assume I'll get over that eventually, with practice. Like I said I don't want him to know that anything's wrong. Snowbunny knows, and that's more than enough. I would love to just wave a magic wand and make this all disappear, but slow endurance is the only tool I have. Things will get back to normal. I know that in my mind. It's just in my heart that I feel like it's permanently ruined, and over what. And who ruined it. Me. A lot of this is probably coming from my childhood, my mom was great at laying on the guilt trips for anything and everything. My mom feels bad about that now and she is a much nicer person. But the damage is done.

I appreciate your votes of support, opalescent and lunabunny, thank you. Certainly it was a misunderstanding, probably an inevitable one. They simply forgot about the work nights thing, and I, unfortunately, remembered. And I thought it was a lot more important than it really was. So that was my misunderstanding. So now I have to get through another day sober, and God only knows how I'll be doing tomorrow (Saturday, "our day", me and Snowbunny :(). I've poisoned the waters. Or the waters poisoned themselves, I don't know. I just know that I desperately want the pain to go away, and it won't go away. Depressing.
 
I'm sorry you're struggling through this right now. I often feel guilty when explaining why a behavior hurt me, and I think that's normal. I'm pretty confident that anxiety brain is wrong when it's telling you that you ruined everything. I hope you get back to your "boring" (I would say delightfully predictable) life soon.
 
Ah, Kevin, I'm so sorry you're being plagued by guilt for feeling what you feel and expressing what you need to express. It seems your inner world is full of perils. Is Snowbunny mad that you're mad?

Get yourself some private space to cry, will you? Let it out. These childhood days when you were diminished are gone now..

I hope you don't mind me making guessed about what you might need. Hope you get better soon.
 
10:50 a.m., Sunday the 5th

Thank you AutumnLeaves and Tinwen, those were comforting words. I suppose I'm mostly back to normal, not completely, but mostly. I don't think Snowbunny is upset with me; one good thing about Snowbunny is, you don't have to guess how she feels. If she was mad at me, I'd know it. It even seems like she has forgotten Thursday's unpleasant conversation, though that could be me stretching the odds. The point is, she's moved on, and now maybe I can start to move on too. I'm rather embarrassed about my role in the whole thing, but at least the guilt is mostly gone. It seems obvious that the logical reaction to Wednesday evening would have been to think to myself, "What?? They're watching something on a work night? Well that's interesting, I guess I'll ask from now on." And then to have let it go right away. Something blocked me from reacting that way, I don't know if it's in my genes, or my past, or both.

Anyway, I appreciate all you guys, opalescent, lunabunny, AutumnLeaves, Tinwen, I want to say thanks again, it means a lot to me that you all reached out to help when I was feeling down. I think the delightfully predictable life can finally resume. Knock on wood.
 
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