LDR partner starting to date, trying not to freak out

W

Willough

New member
My boyfriend and I are long distance (9 years at the end of this month) with no end in sight other than the agreement that we do want to be in the same place eventually. We see each other for 4-7 days or so usually every month and I can typically tolerate that without feeling crazy. Right now I'm at 6 weeks and even though I'm seeing him on Friday I am NOT doing ok with 6 weeks. I'm also on my period and frankly I'm losing my shit right now. Really just looking to talk about it with someone who isn't him.

We've been open our whole relationship as I am married (pretty much platonic at this point) but while we were open to non-monogamy as a concept none of us had any real experience with it. He has only dated sporadically and honestly I've responded in a very mixed way about it so dating hasn't been easy or joyful for him in the past. At one point he did cheat because he didn't think I could handle it at the time. I forgive him for that I honestly do, he may have very well been right. It was a major low point in our relationship and we'd both withdrawn from it. In the long run I am glad he was spending time with other people during that time.

For the last year and a half he said he hadn't been looking as he was focused on rebuilding our relationship and other than the distance, things have been very good between us. The weirdest part is that I've been in full strength NRE since we recommitted to staying together. That's fun and everything but it's still 9 years in for him, I don't expect him to feel exactly that way about me. That said, he is very good to me.

Now he's told me he wants to date again and I really really want to be supportive of this. We talked about it and agreed on exactly what would and wouldn't be shared with me and that included that he doesn't want to tell me about every single person he contacts before it even starts to become anything. I think that is completely fair. So I know he's looking, I know he's talking to people. I told him if he's talking to people online while we're on the phone and he's obviously distracted and he's obviously avoiding telling me what's distracting him I will likely get upset. I said I wasn't asking for him to never talk to someone else, just be aware of it if it's something he doesn't want to explain to me. So now I know he's ending our calls or not calling me when he normally would because he's doing other stuff and I'm sure that's the right thing to do. I knew he'd have less time for me but it still hurts in the moment I know he's making that choice. I mean we are spending plenty of time together but its not in person together so its never really going to be enough for me whether he is dating or not. I know this feeling isn't his fault or even the the result of him considering dating. It's me not getting what I want, which is to be there.

He also asked me to look at his OKC profile so there wasn't anything on there that bothered me. Last time he had used some pictures I took that I thought were very personal to me and that was kinda sad. It's fine this time but I can't stand looking at it. It just feels like it burns to see it. He's so attractive and funny and cute and its so confusing and hard to see him pitching himself to other people. There is so much self confidence that I have never seen.

I'm really struggling and I don't want to take this out on him. He's doing everything right and I want him to be able to see other people. Logically I completely agree with non-monogamy. I know I've been in love with more than one person at a time a large portion of my life. I know it doesn't mean he doesn't want to be with me. I know he is going to stay with me. But at my core there is a little girl who imagined love as being absolutely everything to someone else and I want to be everything for him. If he'd agree to it, I'd drop everything and go right now. That belief is in there even though I know it doesn't work for me. I know I'm being ridiculous, but I don't know how to handle how hard this feels.
 
The one thing that stood out to me is that you say he's ending your calls sooner, or not calling at all at usual times, and you believe that's because he's talking to others. If that's the case... honestly, I would be furious. One of my absolute limits in any relationship, whether in-person or long-distance, is that MY time is MY time; if one of my partners were to take time that has been allotted for our relationship in order to pursue someone else, or have a date with someone else or whatever, that would be the end of the relationship for me. (Lest that sound harsher than it needs to be... I had a bad experience along those lines with a previous FWB, and I don't tolerate disrespect.)

Even if he is looking for someone else, and even if he doesn't want to tell you about the people he's talking to... why on earth would he be chatting with them WHILE chatting with you?? You're in a LDR. Your phone calls are precious time! He should be respecting that, not using it to find someone else, in my opinion. He can darn well set a time aside where he is NOT on OKC or any other site, is NOT messaging or texting or getting calls from anyone else, and is SOLELY focused on you. I'm not sure why you are okay with him not talking to you as much; that is not the only way for him to avoid telling you about the other people he's talking to.
 
Thanks for writing KC (I've been lurking here for ages, I hope you're doing alright!)

The truth is we are on the phone with each other constantly. If we were to establish "focus on me completely when we're on the phone" boundaries we'd both need to spend way less time on the phone. I am given the majority of his free time at the moment. We tend to just hang out with the speaker on. We stream tv together, sit around on the internet, eat, fall asleep together some days. I'm definitely going to lose time but it wasn't time that was allotted to me, it was extra time I got with him because he wasn't busy. I "lose" time to sports and friends and everything else too. For us to survive the way we do we do have to support each other going and doing things with other people in general because we're drawn to be together whenever possible. I can't say whether or not it might be healthier if we planned time just for us and capped it there. We do ask for quality time when needed. I really appreciate your message though because though our situations are obviously very different, defending mine helps me see the sky isn't falling.
 
Thank you! Things are good here, at least offline. lol

Ah, now I understand. I've been in a similar situation, with a partner who gave me extra time because he had it available but made it clear that would change if/when he found another partner. Thank you for clarifying that.

That being the case, it does make sense that he might be talking to you less and ending conversations sooner. If that bothers you, though, you still have the right to say so, even if you don't want or need to ask him not to do that. Sometimes just expressing feelings to someone makes things seem better.

When he started looking for someone else, did he let you know that he might not talk to you on the phone as much? I wonder if maybe if he did, that might have made it a little easier for you to handle than if it just started happening. (I don't know which was the case. I'm just hypothesizing.)

I can completely relate to what you say in your first post about the little girl who wants to be everything to someone else. I have a "little girl" like that in me too, and it was really difficult when I started a relationship with someone who had other partners he saw regularly. And that was (and still is) an in-person relationship. I can empathize with how difficult that must feel when you are not in the same place as him.

I admire you for forgiving his cheating and being understanding about his reasons. I wonder if that experience is part of why it's difficult for you now to accept him looking for someone else? Even though, as you say, he's doing everything entirely right and is being as open and honest as you're willing to accept him being, part of you might have been hurt by that cheating and might, unconsciously, be drawing parallels between that and this. This time he's telling you what you need to know, but it's still a case of him seeing other people.
 
Gosh Willough! I have an inkling how you feel as I was long distance with my Significant Other for 2 years with only one visit of one week in that time. For a fair portion of that it was looking like he would find it necessary to keep living thousands of miles away for as long as you two have.

Like you two, we spent every spare minute either texting or on skype. He has always had friends all over the world who he is in touch with online so it was not unusual for him to be messaging other people while we were spending time "together". Heck, we even texted when he was also doing his work at times when I had to be awake late at night due to a sick child or something.

I thought I was regularly encouraging him to go out and socialize as he is fairly introverted, but he later said he felt he was upsetting me whenever he was unavailable due to going out with friends. This made him (or gave him an excuse to) go out only rarely.

You show great love and commitment to your SO that you are trying to get your mind around his finding other relationships. I know I could not have handled it. NRE chemicals sloshing through one's brain make some things extremely difficult to handle emotionally.

All I can say is keep hanging in there. These things tend to get easier because humans are pretty good at accommodating their minds to new "normals".

Try to figure out what specific reassurances you need to feel safe and loved so you are not both dealing with free floating, undefined anxiety.

Plan your own activities to make the time when he is unavailable rewarding, or at least distracting. It might or might not help if he can give you more notice when he is going to be away. Some people find having such times scheduled well ahead makes it easier.

Since you have been hanging about here you might want to go check out the threads on monos coping with poly partners going out to be with others. Lots of good ideas there.

Leetah
 
Willough, may I ask why you haven't made a more concrete arrangement of how you will be together? Because, and I don't mean offence, that sounds like neither of you are really committed to it actually happening. As in, if it was that important to you to be together in the same place, it would have happened by now. Nine years is a long time. I couldn't put up with a LDR for that long. I could cope with one, but only if it was moving to what I ultimately wanted it to be.

I'd like to add. I had a LDR for about 2 years, with us in different countries on the other side of the world to each other. During that time we had a couple of visits, skyped every day and made plans on who would move country to be together. NRE was rampant for me, because I found that I never got to have the long stretch of normalcy that means those hormones can run their course. Whenever we talked, the distance, the tension - or the fact that we only had a few weeks together - made everything more intense.

Sadly, when we got together, I found that the NRE did wear off (not a problem and to be expected), and also that our relationship in person was very different and far more dysfunctional than the LDR had ever been (a problem). I learnt that you can't base how a relationship with both of you in the same place, with continual, easy access to each other, will play out - based on solely how the LDR runs. A couple can work LDR, but completely not work once they both live in the same place. You don't know someone as well as you think you do through a long term LDR, as you do when you live near them and see each other in person. It can be very different.

I want to gently suggest a couple of things:

1. Maybe it would be healthier for you both to either commit more to moving your relationship forward, OR accepting it as permenantly long distance OR ending it if you can't agree on this.

2. Maybe you freaking out is a symptom of what you sense is a deeper issue (seriously - 9 years long distance, with a vauge plan to be together 'some day'? If it hasn't happened yet and you both don't take the time to MAKE it happen, it won't).

3. If you stay long distance, and he dates, expect that if he gets a girlfriend / boyfriend in his current location, they will have a chance to build a stronger, deeper relationship than the two of you have. But if you live in the same location, and he gets a girlfriend / boyfriend also in your location, then you both have equal chance to build a stronger, deeper connection. Physically being with someone means a relationship has more chance to develop and grow, much more so than through an Internet connection.

4 If you do stick with the indefinite plan of some day you will be together, don't be surprised if when you get together in the same location, you break up. That's why I'm suggesting either accept for what it is, or make a move to be together now. Because it sucks to sink all this time and energy into something that, once you 'get there', turns out to be nothing like you thought it would.

Just some things to consider. But I suspect your fear stems from the 9 years LDR (9 years?! Seriously?!) with no real plan to move forward. That doesn't sound like you're really committed to it being anymore than it already is, actually. Which means perhaps you should graciously make way for another person to be in his life who CAN give him the up close relationship experience he wants.
 
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Infinity said:
. . . if it was that important to you to be together in the same place, it would have happened by now. Nine years is a long time. I couldn't put up with a LDR for that long. . . . I suspect your fear stems from the 9 years LDR (9 years?! Seriously?!) with no real plan to move forward.
Click to expand...

The OP wrote that they spend 4 to 7 days together usually once a month. Doing that on a regular basis for nine years seems rather committed to me.
 
Infinity,

We didn't spend 9 years intending to live together. We spent a lot of time accepting it as long distance. Things have changed multiple times in that span of time. Right now living together is something we both want but it is not the only priority. Currently we have the time and ability to travel that we won't have for some time after I move and that is a life goal priority for both of us. There is another person involved, my husband. He has a parent in poor health here. He and I are probably going to end up going ldr for some time when this happens or we may split which isn't the outcome I'd prefer but is possible. I've got a crappy house and mortgage I am working on here. I'm working on replacing a number of systems at work to make it possible for me to work remotely so that I might be able to be away about half time during at least part of the year and in the long run that will make an easier transition to my replacement. I am very close with my boss (This company is just the two of us) and me leaving will be nearly as big of a deal for him as it is for everyone else involved. Blah Blah its complicated and you're right that it hasn't been the top priority.

I appreciate you sharing your experience. I can understand why you would offer that advice and I'm sorry if this comes off defensive. I have considered those things. I do feel like your post reads a little like "you know if you open, he's going to find something of greater value and leave right?" Which strikes me as a little out of place on polyamory.com. I know what the value of our relationship is whether we are moving it forward or not. Depth and Strength take time and going through the kind of shit we've been through together. Assuming that is even what he is looking for with someone else, I hope they get there. I know its silly to argue about it with someone I don't know, but I am confident our relationship doesn't lack depth and strength and this is coming from someone with terrible self esteem.

No offense intended on my part either but there is a big difference in our experiences. We've spent nearly 2 years together in person over that time. We aren't in different countries, its a 2 hour flight. If he's sick or hurt, I show up. I do all his haircuts. We argue while he helps me put up and take down the air conditioner at his place every year. We go to work and cook and clean, its not a vacation. Except when we travel and it is and that is a whole other set of challenges. We've driven across the country together multiple times, we've backpacked 14 miles a day, I've made a lot of meals on a 4 inch stove while he drove me nuts reading or something instead of helping. We have created a very real history together. I do have concerns about what will change when we're together and if it will ultimately work out forever, but I don't think it will be nothing like I thought it would. I think we are awfully well acquainted with each other's flaws. If I got into those you'd really be convinced we should break up. I'm aware it's possible we might break up some day but I won't consider it time wasted and he says the same. I consider it life lived.

I did used to expect that him dating meant he'd move on to a deeper connection with someone else. That is a possibility for anyone in my opinion. When that didn't happen the first few years, I absolutely did suggest many times that I step aside and let him find someone else to pair off with and he does not want that. He finds that suggestion and the suggestion that its wasted time very offensive. In fact that was a major source of conflict at one time. In 9 years I've finally learned its not my responsibility to decide for him if he should continue the relationship. He told me that from day 1 and it took me a long time to let go of trying to decide what I thought was best for him. I want to continue it, that's the side that is up to me. He tells me that's what he wants and that he is committed to continuing a relationship with me. As crazy as it sounds, I have to believe him because he's shown me that for 9 years (seriously!) and at times when it would have been so much easier to end it.

Also we're not monogamous. Why would the answer to him wanting an up close relationship be that I should graciously go away to make room for someone else? I am making room, that's what I'm working on adjusting to. I'm spoiled and adjusting sucks but why end it? Maybe there is some confusion because I'm pouting about not being together at the same time I'm talking about him dating. He isn't dating because I'm not there. I expect him to want to see other people either way. We did start an open relationship due to the situation but we've individually come to believe that we don't really want monogamy with anyone right now. I still have a lot of conflicting feelings about it often but I'm the one who has been in love with two people all these years. I'm polyamorous whether I always feel great about it or not.

I know we're weird and my situation doesn't fit in perfectly here or at an ldr forum, or anywhere else for that matter. Trust me that's the real story of my life.
 
Also if this is all starting to sound a little familiar to anyone I did post here infrequently in the past. I'd prefer not to have my current discussions linked to that super awful year but if having a new registration is a violation here let me know.
 
Hi Willough,

I just want to say I sympathize with your situation. LDR's are always hard, and stack on that a multi-partner arrangement that you aren't used to. I don't blame you for feeling frustrated.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Thank you Kevin and KC and Leetah!

I get on a plane tomorrow thankfully. We put off this visit so I could help out with an event this weekend. I have to remember to avoid that mistake. I know I go crazy after 4 or 5 weeks.

So he went out tonight. He asked if I thought it was a good idea and we both agreed it might be nice if this happened and then I was able to see him right away. He pushed me to talk about it and I realized I'm afraid of trying to hide how I feel because I want to be good about this. I am afraid of telling him I'm feeling bad and him either shutting it down or hiding it. That is carry over from the past. But today he told me and I told him I needed to know I didn't have to be perfect. I asked him to reassure me of all the stupid things and he did. I feel pretty good right now. Knowing what's happening is a lot easier than not knowing.
 
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