Leaf on the Wind


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Nevermind about Guitarist's thing with Magical being resolved. He felt treated poorly by Magical in front of the new girlfriend on their usual Tuesday night game again this week. He raised it to her during a visit with her yesterday, and apparently she was very dismissive of his concerns or didn't understand them. Apparently he also asked her not to discuss her sex life with the new girlfriend with him, and she failed or refused to respect that boundary.

He tried to justify a lot of her behavior to me. To me, it sounds like she found her game changer and is deep in a frustrating level of NRE to the point she had alienated pretty much her entire sphere. But it's not like she sounds blameless in this situation or anything.

I don't blame him for deciding to end their 'ship under those circumstances. But he's still really bummed about it, for obvious reasons. We had a good date night last night with pizza and TV. But it sucks to see him hurting. I told Raven today that I hope he and Spice never break up. Which I then realized was probably about the most poly thing I've ever said.

In other fun news, my desktop computer died this morning. It posts but it shuts off while booting. I'm pretty sure that the power supply hasfinally given up, and I'm just so sick of stuff going wrong in it. In the last year or so, I've replaced the video card, RAM, case fan, and bought the wrong power supply for it. I'm done. I ordered a new computer, even though I really could have found other things to do with that money. I'm glad that I backed up most of my stuff after the case fan issues on Monday.

Thrash sent me a response to the poly sites I sent him. He said poly looks very complicated and he doesn't think he's poly himself, but he'd like to be my monogamous friend with benefits until he finds his "one," which he characterizes as unlikely. I told him I'd think about whether I wanted to do that and if it would work for me, and get back to him.

The logic of me knowing that wouldn't work is somewhat complicated by my general enjoyment of and attraction to him, the fact he's a direct communicator, and some serious feelings of what could have been back in my college days. Did I mention he's a thrash metal musician and also a complete nerd? I mean, he wears actual bracers as part of his outfit on a regular basis, and he's super sweet. I do have a type.

I just don't think it's a good idea logistically or with the way my anxiety works. If I realistically thought I could keep that in check, or not get too attached (and thus really hurt) when he decided to move on, it would be one thing. But I seem to work in an entire other way.

Ah well. I'm conflicted, so I'm going to give it a good think, but I'm leaning toward it being a bad idea.

Oh! One of my friends is having a birthday party in Chicago in August that I think I'm going to go to. Guitarist has indicated he would like to come too. It sounds like we are going to have a lot of mutual friends at this thing that we haven't seen in forever. This are is a friend where me and Guitarist went on an 11-hour roadtrip to their wedding when we'd been dating two weeks, and the friends who first introduced us to real kitchen-table style poly. They have since divorced and moved on but are still friends. And Flame (who is one of my friends from this group, who I met for the first time at that wedding) might come out too. I know Guitarist has said recently that he misses Flame, and it's been four or five years since we all hung out together, so that could be a really cool weekend day trip type thing.

So at least that's a possible thing to look forward to!


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I had a nice, relaxing weekend away from poly drama. I spent most of it between my family, since my niece had a birthday party and then it was mothers day.

I get vaguely irritated by mothers day every year. It's supposed to be an anti-war holiday, not the patriarchal and vaguely patronizing thing it's turned into. Like, you do so much for the family let's give you one day so we can go back to comfortably ignoring how unfair it is that women still do the majority of housework and childcare even though they work full time. Also let's engage in a bunch of really queer and trans exclusive messaging. Ugh.

Anyway. The actual day itself was fine, despite my mom's desire for a present being me sitting through a couple hours of god bothering and having to listen to how no one every sees me anymore. Yeah, so, I was a youth liturgist and really involved in the choirs when I was younger, despite being an atheist for as long as I can remember. And I really miss the community and REALLY miss playing in the handbell choir. Being one of several people all attuned to making music. It sucks that all the handbell choirs around here are religious. Probably all handbell choirs in general.

It's easier to just stay away than to get all longing and maudlin. I did enjoy the family lunch with my nieces and my sisters and my mom and grandma.

I less enjoyed messaging Thrash this morning that I don't think it would work, we're looking for different things and don't have enough time for the thing I'm looking for. Even thinking about it all weekend has left me exhausted. I hate disappointing people I care for. Better to do it now than have it be a whole thing, though. I don't want a FWB. It isn't what I'm looking for or how I work. And since it's what he's looking for, it's not a good match.

I'm worried he'd going to try to argue or negotiate with me. It's one thing to know that I don't have to JADE, and another to cut myself off from doing it. Anxiety about what he'll say back, whether he'll say anything at all, and whether I've hurt his feelings are quite thick today.

Logical me knows this is for my best, but emotional me is pretty bummed. Even though I'm the one making the call.

Bee is coming over tonight. I don't know whether they mostly want to hang out with Guitarist or if they would be inclined to okay board games or something. Either way, it's been a while since I've seen them and they're really cool so I'm looking forward to it. Even if I just dash through so the two of them can commiserate about things with Magical, or whatever is on the menu.

Last night, Guitarist said Spice will be coming over more, since Spicewife is feeling pressured to leave their house when he's there. I mind a lot less now that our kitchen and guest bathroom aren't consistently trashed. And it would give me a reason to clear my clutter off the table more often. I hate mess, anything that smells or looks like a font of bacteria, but when left to my own devices, I clutter like mad. I make no sense. That's pretty much the theme of my life.


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On Monday night, Bee came over for board games and decompressing with Guitarist about the end of both their things with Magical. Random thought, Bee has the most delightful honey tone to their hair that I got to admire since the sun setting was setting it off. Anyway, I had a good time playing Above and Below and then disappearing to text Thrash and give them some alone time.

It seems that Thrash thought I might unfriend him from having brought it up or something? Like I would throw away over 10 years of friendship because I decided that what he would be interested in and what I want and need aren't compatible or something. I made it clear that I don't feel any awkwardness, and he made it clear that his feelings weren't hurt. In the end, I'm left feeling like I made the best decision. Relief that things worked out the way they did is a pretty good indication.

Guitarist came back from Spice's on Wednesday in time to cuddle me to sleep (which is pretty much our nightly thing unless he's out late or it's a weekend and I'm staying up later than him). When we were cuddling, he said he was thinking about seeing if Bee would be interested in a thing with him. I had a very visceral negative reaction, and I could feel myself stiffen. Like, it would have been comical if I wasn't upset for no reason and trying to go to sleep. Guitarist asked me, so what are you thinking, and I said, that I don't want to deal with this right now.

So we didn't talk about it, and I did fall asleep. Of course, I woke up yesterday wondering why I'd had such a visceral negative response. I talked with Guitarist and got it figured out. He thought we were good because our sex life has been good lately. I'd been feeling unsupported by him artistically, and I really had my feelings hurt by him not reading some story things I had sent him.

My thought when he was talking about starting a new thing was upset that he has energy for a new thing but hadn't had the energy to support me. So I got to the bottom of my feeling, and he pointed out that he HAD read my things (days after I sent them, but promptly when he was feeling better) and responded but didn't really know what to say. And that he'd only just recently recovered his energy and stopped being upset about Magical.

I'm SURE wanting to start up a new thing has nothing to do with having more energy and being less upset. There is a reason why rebounds are a thing: because they feel good when you're otherwise feeling shitty. But I didn't lecture him on that because he'd already expressed awareness of it and he's not my child.

Anyway, we got hashed out what I need to feel supported and I'm glad we talked. It really had nothing to do with Bee, but more "what about me" when I hadn't even realized myself how hurt my feelings were by feeling like he didn't care about my creative work, and that I was suppressing it because I thought he was still depressed.

Feelings are really complicated things.

Tomorrow, we have to get new phones and then Bee is coming out again. I'm probably going to retreat to my office since I have a board game thing with my usual gaming group on Sunday. Monday, Guitarist will be going to a longsword class. I think the rest of next week will be usual and tame. But next weekend is going to be totally fucking crazy. Board Gaming with Guitarist, Spice, Irish, and others (Twilight Imperium, which I still haven't studied the rules to) next Saturday, and taking my dog up north on Sunday for a family gathering at the little lake.

Two weekends in a row, each packed with social. I'm glad I have next Monday off to recover!


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This week has been one long, literal headache. I hate allergies. I hate spring. I like trees, but at the other end of the year, when they don't make my face into a pain face.

It seems like everyone I know is having relationship trouble lately. Guitarist came home last night telling me how Spice was anxious about one of her other relationships. Maybe it's just in the air or something.

While I've been in my place of not actively dating, I've been trying to figure out more exactly what I want if I do start to feel like it again. I was just telling someone on my local poly FB group the other day that it's okay to feel cruddy about being the less successful partner, and waiting until you find what you want. So. What do I want.

I've been missing Purr a lot lately. I want something like that, emotionally. We were very close, before Whatsit McCowboyface came along and things got strained and cheating happened. We planned future vacations and cooked together and cared for her kids and messaged all the time and she was out as queer and poly and it was just... comfortable. We had issues, but we also had a lot of good parts. When I think about relationships I want, it's those good parts about that relationship that I miss and crave, as well as my crazy over the top NRE crush on Marian. To resurrect a name from years ago, now.

So like. Local. Femme, either a woman or femme-leaning nb. Someone out. Someone who isn't new to poly or to dating other women. Someone who wants a loving relationship, with emphasis on the relationship part. Someone I'm friends with FIRST without trying to force it into a dating box. It sounds like a total fantasy that I'll never find. Especially since I'm not looking right now... ha.

I think about putting myself out there. But then I remember all the drama and heartbreak and just, meh. Meh.

What else. Bee is coming over tomorrow. There was a little hiccup with last time where I felt very trapped/third wheel, but I'm pretty sure that was mostly in my own head. I'm not sure that I'll be social this coming time. I have a big gaming thing of Twilight Imperium on Saturday, and a big family cookout Sunday. Monday, Flame and I have been talking about maybe playing games on the Xbox together, which means that I either need to upgrade my account or use Guitarist's, I think. I'm not sure, and figuring it out makes me feel anxious. And that's about it!


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Today's random thought: I don't need the "love" of anyone who doesn't love me for who I am.


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Getting ready to go to Twilight Imperium game day. As of last night, Guitarist and Bee have a thing. I went into the kitchen and saw them both cuddling and was like, AWWWWWW.


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This past weekend was totally crazy, again. Bee came out to see Guitarist on Friday, which wasn't very stressful for me, but it was still people I don't l live with existing in my house. I always get self-conscious about my aversion to wearing pants when I'm at home. There were no other issues. I think I mentioned here that Guitarist has a thing with Bee now, though they might be moving soon, since it's uncomfortable for them living with Magical right now. Guitarist brought up that they might be interested in a sex thing. I told him I don't care as long as barriers and testing remain things.

Thinking about that, I should probably have a more involved talk with him on that point. We did all talk about how much it sucks to eat plastic the time Bee was over to board game. But, like... Guitarist still doesn't test regularly, and I don't know Bee's testing situation, so I should make it clear to Guitarist that if he's talking unprotected anything, we'll have to go back to barriers. The only thing I'm comfortable with in terms of my own boundaries is him doing hand stuff with others.


Saturday was the big Twilight Imperium game day. We had planned on 8 hours, and it took 9.5 including the late arrivals and a break for dinner. But it was so much fun, not boring at all, and everyone seemed to stay engaged. I did have an anxiety spike toward the end, because we were running over the planned time, and I heartburn from the low quality pizza. I quite embarrassingly became Legitimately Angry and Snappish at the people who betrayed me and prevented my win. ... I hope the one fellow didn't take it personally. I did apologize afterward. I'll probably imagine that he hates me and thinks very poorly of me for several days. Ah well.

I didn't like it as much as Game of Thrones, but no one will play that with me ever again. We may have a rematch in the future for TI, and I think I'd have more fun knowing the rules better.

Sunday, I spent up at my parents' cabin with my family. I got way too much sun and the drivers were atrocious. My niece remains adorable, but my dog engaged in some concerning vomiting and refusing to eat behavior. Since she gulped down massive water when I basically pushed her face in it, and she's been normal yesterday and today, I speculate that she got dehydrated.

I played State of Decay 2 on the Xbox with Flame most of the day yesterday. It was quite fun for several hours, until he invited another friend to join us. I had been enjoying it as just us, but I didn't want to be rude to the other guy, who was the teenage kid of a mutual friend and who used to live with Flame on the west coast. So I kind of suffered through in awkwardness.

Later, I had some Feelings because I thought this was going to be like a date day between us, but then someone else got invited to tag along. Why the fuck does this keep happening to me? Purr inviting that guy to our anniversary date, Raven inviting her new boyfriend, meta, and kid to our park date, Flame inviting his young friend to an Internet date. Is this like... not as rude as I perceive it, somehow? Did Flame not perceive that I wanted to spend quality time with just him? It always makes me feel like crap when this happens.

Well, I'm about ten minutes over on lunch at this point so I should get back to work. And probably make some note to talk to Flame about it later. And Guitarist about the Bee thing. Ah, poly, you animal of complex communication and feelings, you.


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I decided at some point this week to put myself out there more, so I joined the women's/nonbinary subset of my local polyamory group and posted an introduction there. I'm also considering going to the local meetup on Saturday. Pros: it's at a location I've been to several times. Also, it's a goth-themed event, and the idea of getting all dressed up and going in costume really appeals to me. Cons: I won't have anyone going with me as a Safe Person and there is going to be live music, so it's likely to be noisy.

Guitarist may or may not go, but he wouldn't be going with me, so it doesn't count as a Safe Person. The person I'm there with who will bail with me and stand outside if things get too intense. I always feel bad imposing on people like that, so I prefer to have them lined up in that role in advance.

But my anxiety has been pretty under control lately, with just that one panic attack that had to deal with driving to a new place, so I'm hoping that going alone won't be a huge problem. I guess we'll see!

Tonight, Guitarist is having Bee over. It kind of sucks that most of what I want to do right now is on the Xbox, which they need to watch movies, but ah well. The pains of a shared living space and being cheap is that we only have one entertainment center. Though there is plenty that I can do on my computer.

Sunday is a gloriously free day. Maybe I'll persuade Guitarist to watch some TV with me. Monday, I might go out after work with my former boss and a bunch of his former employees to celebrate his imminent retirement. The whole rest of my week is free, except Wednesday, when I get my hair cut.

Also, I can't believe that in less than a month I'll be seeing Flame again. Aaaaaaah! I'm going to text him with my squee.


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I ended up not going to the goth-themed meetup. I was very tired last Friday and feel asleep at like 8 pm, woke up at 4 am Saturday, and was up. I tried to take a nap at around 4 pm to have enough meetup energy, and I ended up having nightmares about the meetup instead.

I also realized that when I got up so insanely early, I forgot to take my antidepressants. How did I find that out? By noticing an extra pill in my case on Sunday and being in a profoundly depressed mood all day. So that was fun.

My mood lately is that I'll never find a femme partner so why bother. I'm feeling very sad and lonely, which is bullshit because I have a solid nesting partner in Guitarist and a lovely LDR with Flame. But my brain is immune to logic, so I guess I'll just keep wallowing.


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In 3.5 weeks, I'm leaving to see Flame for a week. Just like with last time, I feel massively under-prepared for this trip, though at least this time I'm less nervous and definitively looking forward to it.

Spice is coming over tonight. Guitarist is going to cook mini pizzas and we're all going to watch Black Panther. Bee is coming over Friday, and we've been talking about playing board games before I leave them for their date night. Guitarist mentioned possibly setting up the air mattress in his room.

Today, Guitarist is supposed to be doing the necessary to get us a new dryer. Our dryer has been broken for over 6 months now and I'm 100% done with hang drying most of my clothes and also tumbling my underwear for like 10 hours. I'm tired of each variety of laundry basically taking multiple days from start to finish. I had to wear damp pants to work on Monday and I'm SO OVER IT.

In an effort to put myself out there more, I joined a women's/enbie chapter of the local polyamory group. Mostly it seems to be women discussing male behavior. Since it touts itself as a meeting group, I had sort of hoped to see more meetings and actually physically get out there more, but no luck. I might suggest a book swap, board game, or other non-bar-scene meetup thing in that group. I think that would lead to me running it but at this point I'm not sure that I would mind that.

I thought about reopening my OKC but the thought of actually dating again makes me tired. I don't want that kind of pressure. What I do want is to make a femme friend and then we fall madly in love and have a happily ever after type long-term relationship.

Thinking of enbies, my gender crisis is over. I've decided that I'm genderqueer. Specifically, I'm nonbinary between agender and feminine. I've never strongly identified as a woman, but I like being feminine sometimes, and I experience some non-serious dysphoria during those times when I strongly don't feel like any gender at all but feel pressured to perform femininity. A lot of times, I feel like I'm more performing as a woman, or wearing a costume, when I'm all femmed up. And I LIKE that sometimes. But sometimes I don't.

I would also like to wear a binder sometimes, when I'm feeling particularly agender, but I'm worried about doing that with asthma. Apparently you CAN bind with asthma, you just have a better chance of not having complications with a more professional binder. Since they're all fairly expensive (but no more expensive than a good bra) I might get myself one to try it out. If it doesn't work, it turns out there are plenty of places to donate gently used binders.

I also may or may not stop shaving my body hair. This one is the one that I feel the most strongly about, but also gives me the most serious anxiety. I'm not going to implement this one yet, beyond that I've already stopped shaving my upper legs.

I intend to continue to go by she/her pronouns, even though I think in my heart I'd prefer they/them on some days. It just seems like too much of a mess to try to tell people when those days are, and I don't have the emotional energy to police being misgendered. Maybe I'll change my mind about that later. Who knows.

The main thing is, once I figured this out about myself, it was like a huge weight lifted off my shoulders. As though I've given myself permission to just be who I am instead of constantly performing to a certain level of femininity. I don't intend to make a big deal out of it, but man, it's comforting to at least have a label and terms for the way I feel inside.


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This weekend was largely low-key. I spent a lot of it, including the wee hours of Monday morning, being in serious pain from period cramps. So that was no fun. And the irritability turned Sunday gaming with five dogs into a massively frustrating chore instead of a fun event. I reactivated and fired up my OKC over the weekend, as well, but I'm not really into it and don't expect much will come of it.

Guitarist and I are probably going to go back to barriers soon, since his thing with Bee is ramping up. I feel like I should attach more emotional weight to that than I currently am. I really enjoy the experience of giving oral, and it's been nice to have a fuller range of sexual expression with Guitarist, but I'm not going to suck on plastic and he's not going to test regularly, so here we are. I'll probably be massively jealous in about 6 months or something, but right now, I'm feeling very ah well about the whole thing.

Every time I write about Bee I remember my youth dreams of some day having an apiary. But I'm allergic to everything outside and my nesting partner has a phobia of stinging insects, so that one is going to stay filed away in the "nice thought but probably never" drawer.

I'm feeling very meh about life in general, lately. I'm bored and restless in general, which is never a good sign as it applies to the rest of my mental state, and I'm feeling trapped, which is not good. I'm happy with who I am, but pretty unhappy with and trapped by a lot of my life choices. I could choose to change things, but I'm very change adverse in general, and these would be scary changes instead of deciding to stop conforming to a gender binary that I hate. And look at how long it took me to make that minor change. I'm trying to chalk this up to my period hormones, but I moved my therapy appointment up a week to next week anyway.


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Feeling trapped is one of my biggest fears and triggers. I find that feeling very difficult to deal with. It's so unpleasant that - eventually - I usually do something to alleviate the feeling. Change something, do something.

Boredom and frustration can often contribute to my feeling trapped. I don't know if that is true for you too AutumnLeaves.

Anyway, I feel you, as the kids say. I hope it eases soon.


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Thank you. It helps to know that I'm not alone in how shitty this feeling is.

I wish there was something I could do to alleviate the trapped feeling brought on by about $100k of non-dischargeable debt, but there is literally nothing practical to do about it, short of entirely leaving my life and uprooting myself to a country where my fingerprints aren't on file.

Other life choices I presently resent the fuck out of include having a house with a lot of yard instead of having a condo where someone else takes care of the outdoors and also the major maintenance. But then I would have to give up Guitarist (whose music makes living in close proximity to other people difficult) and my dog (who, at 65 lbs, is too big for most neighborhood associations). A more practical solution would be hiring someone to take care of the lawn, but that's an expense I haven't felt like I can afford. Lawn care for an acre and half isn't going to be cheap. And I need to get my septic pumped this year, but the thought of making that phone call is giving me fits of panic attack. Probably because I'm stressed out about so much else.

I might have to make room for lawn care somewhere else in my budget. I am miserable, physically and emotionally, from the state of the yard. You know what's not great for a grass allergy? Living in a literal field. But that would trap me even more in my job for needing to maintain a certain level of income. Ugh. I need to just do it. Goats would be cooler, but also not inexpensive, and I worry about the local coyotes.

Life sucks. It always seems to suck more around my period, though, so I'm hoping that I'll feel less trapped and overwhelmed by the end of the week. If nothing else, I just have to make it to therapy next Monday.


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I'm having a lot of Feelings today. Guitarist told me he was going to get up to sexy things with Bee, and they were getting tested, to which I was like "okay." And then he told me that he had got up to things with Bee, and they had gotten tested and weren't showing symptoms of anything, and hadn't gotten results. I think my brain parsed that as "hadn't tested positive," not "hadn't gotten results AT ALL."

It didn't really seem to matter because I've been on my period, and depressed, and not up to sexy times with Guitarist anyway. But lately I'd been feeling better and decided that wording was ambiguous, or maybe I was making it ambiguous because I didn't want to think about what that meant.

So I asked for clarification yesterday. So yes, he got up to unbarriered oral things with Bee, yes, they got tested but don't have results back yet.

I feel like my commitment to bodily autonomy is at war with my commitment to how seriously fucking irresponsible that seems. That's his choice, right? My choice is to not do anything barriered or otherwise with him for the time being.

But I'm having a lot of Feelings that I'm trying to sort out. I asked him to tell me, he told me. I have all the information I need to make my choices. I'm not angry. I'm not jealous. I'm disappointed? And feeling moderately judgmental?

I don't know, but I'm not getting much work done today.

The one feeling I do know is that I am so sick and fucking tired of feeling like I get all the downsides of polyamory without many of the benefits. Breakups! Uncertainty! My only other partner is an LDR and that doesn't look to be changing any time soon! Oh and my nesting partner keeps throwing new shit at me!

I'm about 110% done with this whole damn thing. I want to move to a fucking island with my pets and never speak to another human again.


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I think what is bothering me is that the unilateral decision-making to proceed without a NEGATIVE test, when Guitarist should have known that would really bother me, feels very inconsiderate of my feelings as a partner. No, I don't have the right to make that decision about HIS relative risks, nor should I have, but from all of our conversations about how I feel about testing, he should have known it would seriously affect me. Especially my sexual relationship with him. And so the decision to proceed with unbarriered stuff, without negative test results, in the absence of even conferring with me about it, feels massively inconsiderate of both my feelings and my needs.
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Okay. We texted it out and I'm feeling a lot less FEELINGS about everything. He did think about it, but he thought that I'd be safe from any risks because we'd already talked about going back to barriers anyway, so he didn't think it would affect me. Where as I'm like, yeah, but that's barriers when the partner IS testing negative. Because what if a condom breaks or something, that's not an acceptable risk to me. He has entered a zone of unacceptable risk into which I'm not willing to follow.

Anyway, I'm feeling a lot less... in a spiral. I can't say that I feel better. We'll find other sexy things to do for a while until their results come in, and I guess at that point in I'm on notice that my sex life might be reduced to mutual masturbation at any time that Bee gets a new partner (unless Guitarist and Bee go to barriers at that point). Hopefully with some talking to me about it BEFORE it happens so I'm not so blindsided.

I'm still so fucking tired of processing this shit all the time. I wish I never needed sex again.

I've talked to my therapist about being such a huge STDphobe and she's generally great and positive, but poly sex risks are entirely outside her area. In the sense of, she understands that I'm poly, but doesn't know how it doesn't make me an anxious mess. So she's not a great source for that, beyond general anxiety help.


Well-known member
((Hugs)) Autumn. I can totally relate. I had to de-escalate my relationship with Blue for similar reasons. I can deal with the STI risk easily enough by using barriers or abstaining from sex with him. It's the lack of consideration. He does the same with all decisions in general... More or less, he does what he wants when he wants, with whom he wants, however he wants, without regards to me or commitments he's made to me. I had to accept that we aren't compatible as nesting partners or life partners. We work better as friends (who love each other) with (occasional) benefits. Once I accepted this, our relationship went so much smoother.


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I'm so sorry to hear about that. Fwiw I found out I'm allergic to all the available treatments for chlamydia so my partner and I had to do a ton of research around transmission rates etc. If information helps your anxiety and you would like those resources at any point feel free to DM me.


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Hugs totally accepted Pink Pig, thank you. I seem to recall reading about your struggles with Blue. I'm glad you're happier now!

It turns out, contrary to my mental impression, Guitarist did think about it. He just thought that since we had already decided to go back to barriers, it wouldn't affect me. To me, there is a huge difference between me+him barriers when he's doing unprotected stuff with someone who has tested negative, and me+him barriers when he's doing unprotected stuff with someone who doesn't have results back yet but is probably (yet ambiguously) negative. But, because I'm so freaked out by STDs, literally all I'll be able to think about now is "what if the condom breaks." Tiny turn off.

Most of my issue was feeling blindsided, like I didn't have a chance to be heard.

Also, thanks for the offer of information ksandra. I wouldn't mind if you wanted to PM it, though my anxiety around STDs has yet to bow to logic. I'm more concerned about the incurables HIV/HPV/hepatitis. I care less about herpes and the antibiotic-curables, though I know antibiotic resistance is a thing. And I know that in terms of relative risk, I'm probably fine, but my brain latches on to STD risk with stubborn tenacity.

Anyway, thanks guys. I love how supportive these boards are.