Leaf on the Wind

AutumnLeaves

New member
I’m back from my vacation from Guitarist, but I’ve come down with a lovely case of travel crud. This one is probably actually the crud that Guitarist had before we left. Still, it’s leaving me feeling knocked out and horrible. Not exactly a lovely end to the vacation.

I had to cancel my date with Purr today. I woke up feeling amazingly shitty. I don’t want to get her and her boys sick if this didn’t come from her little bug factories to begin with, and I’m really not feeling up to driving much anyway. The truth is, just loafing on the couch and reading all day has been really taxing. I’m thinking about taking a second nap before meeting my parents for dinner with Guitarist. I was hoping to come out to them as poly tonight, but I’m not really sure that I want to go through with it. I guess I’ll play that by ear.

In good news! Guitarist and Purr have a date tomorrow. It will be their first dyad date while I’m alone in the house in a long time, and it should be interesting to see if I handle it any differently (read: with less jealousy) than the long-ago Sunday morning I woke up to an empty house and a huge wibblefest. I’m actually looking forward to some non-Guitarist time and I think that will help. I love the man dearly, but I’m not used to having him around and in my life 24-7 like he has been during our fabulous vacation.

There is a bunch of other stuff I wanted to post about, but I think I’m going back to the couch for now. Hopefully I’ll be recovered before I have to go try to catch up at work on Monday.
 

AutumnLeaves

New member
So we just got back from dinner with my parents. I did decide to come out about poly. It was after dinner and the conversation was winding down and it went something like this:

Autumn: “Yes, we’re very happily married. But kind of on that topic, we’re also seeing other people.”

Guitarist: Silence, with smile.

Mother: Blank stare between me and Guitarist.

Father: Blank stare.

Mother: “So like… dating?”

Autumn: “Yes, we’re both dating.”

Guitarist: Does nodding and smiling.

Mother: More blank stare.

Autumn: “So that’s what kids are doing these days.”

Father: Change topic.

I did text my mother when I got home to clarify that we aren’t breaking up or something, because the blank stare went on a while and Guitarist was worried that we worried her. We’ll see if the conversation goes anywhere, or if it’s just swept under the rug. I’m happy with either scenario. The end result is that I’m not going to be outed by my sister, and I’m no longer going to be closeted about things, so that makes me very happy.

We basically giggled in the car the whole way home. Guitarist was all, I wanted to start explaining polyamory to them, but the topic of conversation moved on, I’m not sure your dad picked up what was being said, etc. Nope. My dad picked up exactly what was being said and chose to change the topic, and since I didn’t really need to force anything I went with the topic change. Much like my bisexuality, it will probably be one of those things we Never Speak Of Again.

Anyway, my mom just texted me back, said it sounded a little strange and she doesn’t want any details unless there is something I “need to talk about.” I said that neither me nor Guitarist is what I’d call normal and that I just wanted to be honest and didn’t have anything additional to talk about, random conversation about how her and dad do actually seem happier now.

So overall, that went a lot better than I expected.
 

AutumnLeaves

New member
I slept in until my body decided to wake up today, which turned out to be 11.5 hours. I’m still feeling sick this morning, but at least I can sit at my computer without feeling like I need to go lie down.

It turns out the last time Purr had a vacation was 2012. I think it’s a huge shame and told her that we should take a vacation somewhere next year. She likes really simple things like camping, going to historic sites, museums, and nature, art and music festivals. I really like these ideas, especially since I enjoy camping but Guitarist is not super enthusiastic about it, so I haven’t gone camping in a long time. I think we could work out a perfectly love long-weekend-type vacation with her and her boys next summer to an art or music festival and do some camping and locate sight-seeing while we’re there. Drivable and campable means not horrendously expensive, which is as always a major concern for Purr.

Today I intend to have another house day. I put on my house pants (giant hole in the crotch but they are so very comfortable, kind of like wearing a blanket around my legs) and I intend to just loaf around. Maybe I’ll play some video games, maybe I’ll watch more Netflix, maybe I’ll even write a little. The world is my lazy oyster.
 

AutumnLeaves

New member
I’m trying to decide if my crappy day has been a product of sickness or of poly stuff. I’m choosing to blame the sickness.

For background, Guitarist and Purr had a dyad date last night. I was home alone at the time, and I actually had a really good time by myself. I made hummus and pitas while watching Chopped (pitas from scratch are about a 2 hour process, just long enough in the middle to shell chickpeas for some really smooth hummus), ate them with a little scotch (we’re talking less than half a shot, just enough for the smoky peaty flavor to complement the hummus), took a long bath with a book and a vanilla candle, did some masturbating, and decided it was time for bed. I didn’t take the nighttime flu medicine because I don’t like taking any chances with alcohol+Tylenol.

I spent most of the night coughing myself awake, which mean that I vividly remembered my horrible nightmares. They were part zombie apocalypse, in which I was bit and someone had to cut off my arm to save me, and I was watching over someone’s children, and then I had to reorganize a grocery store with color-coded carpet sections. Have I mentioned that I get panic attacks in grocery stores? One-armed zombie apocalypse grocery store reorganization is pretty high up there on my nightmare list.

Anyway, when I woke up Guitarist came in to cuddle me a little bit. He bubbled about his date with Purr, and some compersion was had, but the dog was outside barking at the neighbors and really annoying me so I couldn’t really enjoy it. I definitely woke up on the wrong side of the bed. I suggested we do some cheese, since we had some very soft honey goat’s cheese that I didn’t want to go bad. In my mind, to “do cheese” is to enjoy some cheese together on the couch and watch a show… because that’s what we call it every time we watch a show. We “do wine” or we “do cheese” or we “do wine and cheese.” Guitarist was all like, yes cheese, so I went into the kitchen and started slicing apples.

At that point I asked what Guitarist wanted to watch with the cheese, and he was all like, oh I’ll just take mine back to my computer. Mood crash at abruptly changed plans, feelings of rejection ensue. I immediately wanted to start crying, but I really hate crying and it makes me feel manipulative, so I got angry instead.

I was like, I thought we were going to do cheese? And he was all, well I want to play my video game. I said some version of a clearly upset “fine whatever.” I was feeling very righteously upset, too, since I’m sick, I was looking at 48 straight hours of solo-house-time, I basically won’t get to see him again until Thursday … and he can’t spare more than 15 minutes away from his video game (which he was playing for hours before I got up!) to give me some time? I didn’t really feel like my anger was misplaced.

I took my apples and cheese to the couch. Guitarist hovered around for a minute or two with a puppy dog expression before I told him to GTFO, because he clearly didn’t want to spend time with me and I no longer want to spend time with him anyway. Guitarist retreated and my anger faded, to be replaced with depression and the mid-chest singularity and the vague teary-eyed feeling of horribleness.

So I had a pretty bad morning. After I finished my Apples and Cheese of Sadness, the rest of the morning I spent moping around, trying to work on my NaNoWriMo prep and not doing it very well, not wanting to see Guitarist or really have anything to do with anyone.

I talked about it with Guitarist before he went to bed, and we cuddled a little, and I’m feeling marginally better. But it still has ruined what was basically supposed to be my last relaxing day before I have to go back to work tomorrow. He said he didn’t mean to hurt my feelings. Well duh. He did anyway.

So I’ve been trying to decide whether it was any jealous/insecurity reaction to Guitarist’s dyad date with Purr, the first one he’s been on with her while I’m at home in quite some time. I really don’t think it was. It didn’t have any hallmarks of my last wibblefest, where I was depressed and obsessing over them having a good time together while I was lonely. I actually wasn’t feeling all that lonely last night, and I had a good time by myself. I think this was 'just' a relationship issue, not a poly issue.

I was feeling lonely and needy this morning because I’d had a bad night’s sleep. That had nothing to do with their date and everything to do with me being sick. And then it looked like Guitarist was going to spend a little time with me, I was relieved and felt like my neediness was getting met, only to have the rug pulled out from under me at the last minute. I don’t do changes in plans well even when I’m feeling good. I wasn’t annoyed at Purr, I was annoyed at Guitarist’s stupid video game. It made me feel like I’m valued less to him than a video game that still would have been there an hour later. It’s not like I was asking for his whole fucking day.

Anyway, we talked about it a little before he went to bed. I told him that I was feeling rejected and why, but I’m not sure that he quite understood. In Guitarist’s defense, he’s switching his schedule back to third shift, so he’s a little tired and loopy. Afterward, he asked if I wanted to cuddle him to sleep. I said, I feel like that would be rewarding you for behaving badly. He said, maybe look at it as rewarding yourself after having a bad day. I said, in that case I’m going to decline because I don’t particularly want to cuddle right now. He said, well I would like to cuddle.

So I went ahead and cuddled him, trying to do so in the spirit of forgiveness, and I do feel a little better. But I’m still quite resentful about that stupid video game. I want to say, in a very hurt and sarcastic voice, “I hope the extra thirty minutes of video game time was worth it.”

And that’s where I’m at right now. I’ve been trying to get other things done today, but I might as well give it up and just play a video game myself or watch some TV. Putting it all down has certainly made me feel a little better, a little less unstable, and a little more reasonable. But I think today is pretty much shot.

In good news, tomorrow should be better. I've been off flu medicine all day and my fever has broken, so that's a good sign. If nothing else, I have an after-work date with Marian to look forward too and I'm seeing Purr on Tuesday. Both of these things improve my mood.
 

AutumnLeaves

New member
Well, Marian had to cancel our date for tomorrow. She has a huge project due for school and she’s going on vacation with Ranger on Thursday. She needs the time to finish her project and she doesn’t think that she’d be able to focus on having fun if we went out. She immediately offered next Monday as a possible substitution, since she would have the entire day off (in case I can get out of work early) and she won’t have any school projects on her plate or anything like that.

You might think that this would make me feel even worse, but it didn’t. I’m actually feeling pretty decent. In the first place, I was worried I’d be running a fever again tomorrow and have to cancer because of illness. In the second, Marian was so sincerely apologetic that, even though she was cancelling, I felt valued. I told her that I was disappointed but it was okay, and I understood, since I’ve been through law school and I know that grad school while working part time is a recipe for scheduling curveballs. The immediate offer of a substitution date really helped, too. I also proposed that if she gets done early, I’m free Wednesday night. She didn’t want to commit, but I wasn’t asking for a commitment--just making it clear I was available. We also got in a good chat about writing and school and other normal things.

I should add that Purr has been an amazing source of emotional support today. I didn't tell her anything about my issues with Guitarist, because I didn't want her taking them back to him, but she could tell that I was off and she was there with the virtual snuggles and generally being her happy kitteny self. It was very emotionally soothing.

I can imagine how a day like this would have gone before poly--I'd be in a funk about Guitarist hurting my feelings for days. Instead, I really had to examine how I was feeling and why today. I allowed myself to feel those feelings, even though a lot of them were really childish, and it helped me to put them back in their drawer sooner. Meanwhile, I had someone else to lean on (Flame has been busy with Flame shit) and I was left feeling valued from other sources. It helped me put some perspective on my hurt feelings.

The day isn't over yet, but for now I'm back to a balanced place. Not happy, but... balanced.
 

AutumnLeaves

New member
I had an “impromptu” (impromptu in that we arranged it after Marian cancelled our date) date with Purr tonight. It went very well. I was surprised at that because, with me so sick and worn out, I thought that her kids would seriously get on my nerves.

They didn’t. Purr’s two year old was clearly more sick than my ’80-85% better,’ and it’s hard to feel anything but sympathy for a sick clingy baby. Her five year old is also getting sick, so they both went to bed early, giving us plenty of time to talk and cuddle. There wasn’t any making out because of mutual illnesses in both houses, but I absolutely needed the cuddle time more after our long vacation-sickness-imposed break.

When we talk, the conversation flows very naturally. I’ve never felt the NRE glow/worry of saying the wrong thing with Purr, so I always just talk to her about what’s on my mind or what’s on hers. After we'd talked and talked and cuddled for what felt like hours, I accidentally triggered A Thing. I didn’t realize that she’s been hanging out with Sunshine, who first debuted in this blog as an interest of Guitarist’s. I know that Guitarist wanted to see Sunshine again, but I don’t know if that ever went through. It turns out that Sunshine dropped the L-bomb on Purr in a playful way and she freaked out, because Purr has some L-word oddness.

I found this out because I mentioned that my feelings toward her were deepening into in-love-with feelings (not to be confused with the deep and abiding love feelings, but this the place where those tend to start for me).

Here is something that might be about demisexuals generally, or maybe just about me particularly: I don’t have separate romantic/emotional feelings. I’ve never felt one love for friends and one love for romantic interests. This is why I was the person who, if I was single and my friends were single, always ended up sleeping with my friends. The emotional connection that I feel goes hand-in-hand with the romantic interest, to the point where if there is no emotional connection there simply is no romantic interest. There is only one spectrum of emotional feelings and romantic interest: it’s all the same thing.

So as I’m spending more time with Purr, as I’m feeling more of an emotional bond, the falling-in-love-with feeling is what’s happening. This feeling tends to be directly proportional to the amount of energy and time I’ve put into a relationship. My feelings of love for Guitarist are amazingly strong, they’re pretty strong for Flame, and they’re starting to happen for Purr. That’s all I was letting her know.

This seemed to freak her right out because she’s not there yet. Apparently other people, or at least Purr, have different types of love feelings. There are emotional loves for friends and romantic loves for lovers and occasionally the two meet, but they don’t have to. And apparently the love-feeling isn’t something that starts to develop as the relationship develops, it maybe just happens later? Or something? I’m not really sure. She was trying to explain it, but it’s all a completely different language to me. Anyway, I’m aware that the ‘I love you’ statement is a big thing, and I assured her I wasn’t saying that yet, that I’m not sure I was ready to hear it from her yet, and that she’s welcome to keep feeling what she’s feeling. I can definitely tell there’s not a lack of feeling.

Anyway, I hope I reassured Purr. I just wanted to let her know the feelings that were happening on my end. I certainly don’t feel rejected or anything. I know that the way my emotional/romantic chemistry operates is not exactly the typical way. So despite the defensiveness on her side and a lot of confusion on my side, I’m glad that conversation happened.

Meanwhile Guitarist has decided to call in since he had really severe insomnia today, so I’m going to go spend unexpected time with him. I shouldn’t feel so happy that he’s so anxious and depressed that the insomnia is starting to hit him again… but I’m selfishly happy to get some him-time before I go to bed.
 

AutumnLeaves

New member
I met with Purr later than usual today because I went to a book signing after work. It was actually kind of nice to go into her apartment when the kids were in a calm state, have them put to bed shortly after I arrived, and get some cuddle time in. Unfortunately, this made for a very short date.

I came home and woke Guitarist up before he had to go to work. He was in a bad way. He’s still having insomnia/not wanting to sleep issues because of depression and work anxiety. I was hoping to get in some sexy times, but he was clearly not feeling it, so we just hung out together cuddled up in the darkened bedroom. This did zero wonders for my mood, which had previously been off-the-charts happy, but he really seemed to need me there so I don’t begrudge him that at all. I think I cheered him up at least a little, because at one point he chuckled and at another he had a fond note to his voice instead of just bleakness.

Tomorrow I need to do maintenance things. Get my hair cut, visit the grocery store, vacuum the house, etc. I haven’t heard from Marian, so I think seeing her before she goes on her vacation (which was a very slim hope) is off the list. I’m perfectly okay with that. I’m going to see Guitarist for an hour or two before he retires into sleep on Thursday, then head into the city for a NaNoWriMo local people meetup thing, and then probably come home and write. I’m going to try to schedule some quality time with Guitarist Friday or Saturday, and other than that my weekend is totally free.

It might be a long, lonely week through Monday, but with writing starting to take over my life again, that’s not necessarily a bad thing. The only downside is that my sex drive is recovering from my illness just as Guitarist’s is tanking because of depression, so I think myself and Miss Wonder Wand will be seeing a lot of each other for a few days.
 
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AutumnLeaves

New member
Today has been mixed. Overall the day went well! Work was easy, family life is presently stress-free. I was a little disappointed when I texted Marian and got a one-word text in reply, but I know she’s gearing up for a vacation, and has been crunched for time to get a school project done, so other than the initial disappointment I didn’t let it bother me.

My diet was something else entirely. After work I went for a hair cut appointment. I knew I needed to grocery shop, and it was 7 pm by the time I got out. I have a complete dread of grocery stores. They give me panic attacks. Literally. I have abandoned carts before and thought I was having heart attacks. Normally when I go by myself at least a little dizziness and hyperventilation ensues, but my schedule is so opposite from Guitarist’s that he just can’t go with me. I knew that if I didn’t get that over with I wouldn’t do it at all this week.

So I didn’t end up eating dinner (my favorite fast casual with a large soda, my ‘treat’ for making myself shop) until 8 pm. That totally blew my food discipline and I proceeded to suck down a bunch of additional empty calories. It’s been a bad diet week, I can tell you. I did manage to work on my writing a little through overeating-grogginess.

But then I was distracted when Purr texted me. She was being very hesitant about approaching something. I adore the woman but sometimes I just want to shake her and tell her to just spit it out already.

So, when I was on my way out of Purr’s house on Monday night, we briefly encountered one of her housemates-sometimes lover-my metamour, who I’ll call Smith. I remember having some casual conversation with Smith about an essential oils project he was working on and then dashing off to wake up Guitarist. That is literally all I remember about our conversation.

Apparently Smith took something I said in a bad way. Purr dropped on me a three-paragraph thing that basically boiled down to how Smith thought one of my statements was passive-aggressive attack on his homesteading abilities and she wanted me to know but could I please not hate him because he’s very stressed, etc, and she was sorry to bring it up, but she didn’t want needless problems and drama, and she wishes everyone could always get along but that might not always happen, etc etc etc. She wanted me to let her know if there were issues so that she could address them, with strong flavors of clearly hoping I might send an apology through her.

My immediate thought was ‘fuck that triangulation,’ and so I messaged Smith myself over Facebook. I explained that I didn’t even remember the comment he was upset about, but I certainly didn’t mean it in a passive aggressive way or as any kind of denigration. I tend to joke when I’m nervous, my jokes are very dry, and they aren’t always on-color. I told him that if I was going to be any kind of verbally aggressive, it would be directly aggressive, which I didn’t think was warranted because he’s a cool guy. And then I apologized for any undue stress a thoughtless comment may have caused. This isn’t the first time I’ve accidentally offended someone in a social situation and not even realized it.

Smith shortly responded with an appreciation of my explanation and a half-apology for the situation, since he’d been having a rough day himself and was therefore more prone to taking things in a negative light. I let him know that, for future purposes, I’m not very good at reading hints and body language and I’d really appreciate if he just tells me if I upset him so that we can clear it right up. He said that he thinks I’m cool and we ended on a positive note.

Whew. Insert huge relief here. Purr lives with Smith, so that could have been all kinds of metamour awkwardness and stress I’d rather avoid. And all over a miscommunication!

Anyway, after that conversation my concentration for writing was shot and there was only half an hour or so before I was supposed to wake Guitarist up for our sex date, so I meandered out into the living room. I promptly fell into a bad-food-coma in front of Netflix. Guitarist woke me up some time later than when I was supposed to wake him up, and we ended up having a rushed but satisfying roll around on the bed.

The major problem is that, now, I can’t sleep.

I have to work tomorrow. It’s going to be a busy day. I want to go to a social event in the evening. And I can’t sleep. Thanks, self. I guess some part of me must feel that my life isn’t challenging enough unless I throw some more obstacles in the way. For now I’ve finished my sleepytime tea and it’s time to go back to bed for Trying To Sleep, Round 2.
 

AutumnLeaves

New member
Oh my goodness, I finally feel actually poly! Here's what happened:

I didn't really, seriously think about any poly issues at all yesterday. Even though Guitarist got breakfast with Sunshine, even though he saw Purr all day after that, and even though I knew those were his plans, I just didn't think about it.

I was also very open at my NaNoWriMo meetup last night. That was great too. I was taking future events with someone and she wanted to know if I was going to make one, and I said I couldn't do that one because it was my girlfriend's birthday. I later said I couldn't make the post-nano wrap up event because I'd be throwing a joint birthday party for me and my husband. I didn't even realize I did it until another woman standing there gave me sort of a confused look. And... this is why being closeted wouldn't work very well for me.

The only time I even had a poly thought was during our much later sexy times, when Guitarist tried to kiss me like I'm Purr. I don't really do open-mouth kissing. Poor oral hygiene grosses me out and most people seem to have poor oral hygiene. Unless you brush at least once a day and that once was semi-recently, floss, and use mouthwash... no. Just no.

So when Guitarist glomped onto my mouth as we were getting worked up, some awkwardness ensued on my part. This has happened before. I think he was used to kissing how I prefer to kiss, and he really enjoys the mouth-glomping he does with Purr, and he just goes for what he's feeling in the moment. But it's awkward for me. Not in a jealousy way, just in a slight turn-off way. I intend to bring it up later if I remember it. The problem is, I don't usually remember it unless it's happening, and mid-sexy-time is not when I want to have that conversation.

Anyway, it was basically a non issue. I had almost zero issues yesterday, guys. It was fabulous.

Today, I'm slacking off at work, then I'm going to go home and do more writing prep, to be followed by a much later sex date with Guitarist. There is a very specific fantasy in my wank bank involving a lot of oral and we're going to do that one. It should be really fun.

So that's why I feel truly poly now. It's just something that IS instead of this huge thing taking up all of my mental and emotional energy. Yay!
 
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AutumnLeaves

New member
Yesterday ended up being totally fucking crazy in all the best ways. Late Friday, Purr mentioned that exhub was taking the tykes Saturday so that she could go to a wedding. He was going to drop them off at their grandparents’ for a Sunday visit, so she had almost two days of the adult version of freedom.

I asked if she’d like to come over after the wedding, which was very early. She said she’d love to. I was supposed to be on a Roll20 game with Flame until 10 pm, but she could my gaming ended up getting canceled because the rest of the group, all 5 other players, didn’t show up.

So Purr came over around 8. We sat on the couch and cuddled and talked and made out and watched Archer (which Purr had never seen) until Guitarist got up. We did some triad making-out and such, and then Guitarist went to work. I blew up an air mattress for Purr and I to sleep on, and we had some sexy times and then cuddled all night. I’m not really sure the word ‘nice’ describes it exactly, but it was very super amazingly nice. Relaxing and intimate and fun.

I didn’t sleep well. One, I’m not used to sleeping with other people. Two, I set up the mattress in my office, which also has the cat tree. The little cat was not pleased with this arrangement and let us know by crying outside the door all night. I barely cared at all though. It was quite cozy.

When we woke up, Guitarist was home from work and we had some cuddling/making out/sexy times. Once we realized things were getting too hot and heavy for the air mattress, we moved into the bedroom. I say this like it was the most nonchalant thing ever, but I have a huge issue with people being in my bedroom. Guitarist is allowed in there because it’s force of habit and technically his bedroom too (ha). I was quite anxious about Purr being in there at first, but I tried to keep it to myself and mostly got over it, and everyone had a good time.

Then I left them alone. I wanted to give them some dyad time, since I’d had so much alone time with Purr all night, so I said something like “I’m going to shower and make breakfast!” and left them to their devices. In the bedroom... that was the hardest part. People were in my bedroom. The rest was compersion and happiness.

I really took my time and made scratch pancakes, berry compote, and coffee in the French press. I added the second half of a peach and mango tart that I had made Friday night (the half that Purr and I didn’t consume last night), and it ended up being probably the highest quality breakfast I’ve made in a long time. The pancakes turned out impressively well, even if the first one was a little burned on one side.

When I knocked to let them know pancakes were ready, they were in the middle of a sexy situation, so I watched TV for a little while until they were done and we all got to eat. By the time we finished pancakes it was after noon and Purr said she had to get going but clearly didn’t want to go. We basically all stole snuggles and kisses until she finally dragged herself out the door around an hour and a half later.

By the time Purr left, I was feeling really people’d out. I’m glad Guitarist has gone to bed and I now have the house to myself. I really want a nap, but I shouldn’t take one because I have a date with Marian tomorrow for the first time in three weeks and I’d like to be all well-rested and things. I also should do some writing, but I spent about six hours on a short story and NaNo prep yesterday and I’m dangerously close to burning out. I think this means I’m just going to have a lazy day on Facebook and *gasp* maybe I’ll even play some video games. In the most happy and relaxed way possible.
 

AutumnLeaves

New member
I had a really nice date day with Marian. I rushed to finish everything I had to do at work so that I could get out early and spend more time with her. I haven’t seen her in three weeks, and it was like no time had passed at all. This long stretch was a lot easier for me to handle than the first one, I think because we had a lot of text communication and reassurances in the meanwhile.

We walked in the park, had Indian food, and asked each other these relationship-building questions she brought from some newspaper article. I think the only purpose of the questions was to spark conversation on deeper topics. In that sense they succeeded, but we’d already been talking about some pretty deep topics and a lot of the answers were 'like I mentioned before' type things, but it was fun. The conversation that stuck with me the most was the nature of friendship, and how people don’t seem to realize that a friendship is a relationship in its own right and they need to hold up their end of the rope, or that they might need to communicate about things like feeling neglected or left out.

Anyway, I didn’t really enjoy the three week wait but it was worth it. There’s some qualitative difference in my infatuation, but not really a quantitative difference. I still really really really like her. In good news, a lot of the tentativeness and insecurity has left me. I no longer feel like I need her to like me. She seems to like me plenty fine on my own merits. The three-week wait was a challenge, but the thing I was afraid of (mine or her feelings lessening, or that it was a symbol of disinterest) didn’t actually happen. I’m quite relieved and happy and looking forward to our date next week.

I’m also looking forward to my date with Purr tomorrow, my NaNoPrep meeting Wednesday, my cuddle with Guitarist Wednesday, my Thursday to myself (Marian offered it as a make-up for the break, but I really need an evening to work on me-stuff and she's very busy herself and I don't want us to burn out), an as-of-yet-unplanned Friday, and another busy weekend. Time flies when you’re having fun.
 

AutumnLeaves

New member
One of the things I touched on with Marian yesterday is that I've recently discovered a love of cooking and I'd enjoy cooking for her some time. This was kind of a big deal for me.

Because I was raised in a family with traditional gender rules, my mother always cooked dinner basically every night. So since cooking was something the woman SHOULD do, I just didn't want to do it. Rejected that bs right out of the box.

I tried to combat this with Guitarist by instituting an agreement where we would alternate cooking. This turned into me cooking once, and then we just did other things because he didn't want to cook. He seemed to resent me asking (I never asked if he actually did, and so this part may just be in my head). My acts of service side initially interpreted this as a "he doesn't love me" thing, but like the lawn and dishes, I've just accepted that's how he is.

Still, the sulky little girl part of me says that if he's not going to cook for me, I'm not going to cook for him. And cooking for Guitarist, for whatever reason, doesn't get me excited to cook. He doesn't seem to appreciate my effort. For instance, when I made a huge breakfast on Saturday, he thought I made the pancakes out of a box. I've just now realized that that hurt my feelings a little.

Meanwhile, Marian has cooked for me. Even though she said 500 times she doesn't usually cook and doesn't know how. So I have no without me feeling of resentment and she's also a woman, so my gendered sense of FUCK THAT is not triggered.

Yes, I feel a little guilty that I want to cook for Marian and not Guitarist. So, take my justifications, processing blog!

Anyway, Marian is excited to have me cook for her, and she wants to cook with me, but she doesn't have basic equipment... like mixing bowls, measuring cups, or a food processor. So we'll have to do it at my house.

This creates a problem because Marian doesn't like to drive. Driving to a new place is a huge deal for her. She has been over before, but Ranger drove. She proposed a test drive out with Ranger for this dinner thing, where she would drive out, he could take her car back, and then come pick her up after the date.

I adore alone time with Marian, but that would be 40 minutes out for Ranger, 40 minutes back home, then 40 minutes out and 40 minutes back. Marian said he's very supportive and wouldn't mind doing it, but to me that felt like asking too much.

So I said, why don't we just invite Ranger, too? It felt kind of odd and I hope it didn't come off as creepy, but I'm viewing it as an investment in our future. I don't want him to resent the shit out of me for 2 hours of drive time on a work night, and I want Marian to be comfortable driving to my place. If a solo date with Marian (or 2, or however many times she'll need him to drive her over) is the goat I have to put on the altar to make that happen, so be it.

I mentioned this plan to Guitarist and he seemed cool with it. And while I secretly I hope Guitarist might stay up late or get up early to participate, there's no pressure there. Ranger is cool and I don't really need a wing man to entertain.

I'm very excited about this possibility and hope to talk scheduling with Marian some time soon.
 

AutumnLeaves

New member
It’s been largely a good Wednesday. I’m mostly finished with my November workload (after basically working through lunches for two weeks), which means I’ll have about two weeks of ‘free time’ at work to do whatever I want before the December stuff comes in. Whatever I want is probably going to be writing. This coincides nicely with the start of NaNoWriMo and should give me a head start in numbers, which will be good because if it’s anything like last year I’ll start to fatigue near the end.

But a bad thing also happened today. Purr, who is really hurting for emotional support right now given her unemployed state and some health problems her grandmother is having, was broken up with by a couple she was seeing. Apparently one person in the couple decided that they need to be monogamous for a while. My heart really bleeds for her, since these are two of her people that she would talk frequently about and actually see on a semi-regular basis. At least she’s been with Sunshine all day, so I hope she’s getting all the cuddles.

I’m feeling kind of burned out, kind of like I’ve had social bar overload this week. I’m going out to a local NaNo meetup thing, but it’s supposed to be a prewriting workshop, so I hope I’ll be able to just work on my outline, settings, and characters without the expectation of being social. I keep trying to remind myself that tomorrow is thoroughly going to be a me-day. I may even turn off my phone and ask Guitarist to leave me alone. I quite enjoy Guitarist, Purr, and Marian, but

I just also realized that it might also be nearing shark week. I have no idea when that’s going to happen since my dual-cycles last month may have fucked it up in a variety of ways… like at this moment I’m both overdue and early, depending on which I measure from. And that really sucks because I can’t prepare myself for it or try to warn anyone. I tend to have pretty severe mood swings and a bad temper, and I tend to want to withdraw alone in my cave to grumble and flop around by myself while I eat lots of sugary salty things and cry. At random. For no reason.

This could be bad. I have so much scheduled for this weekend and next week that it’s not even funny.
 

AutumnLeaves

New member
This will be a short update because not a lot having to do with poly has gone on in my life today, but…

… I have no sex drive right now, and it’s frustrating me. I masturbated furiously for several days after our sexy weekend with Purr because Guitarist was having a physical issue with sex. And now my sex drive is gone. I've gone two days without even a tingle. I'm almost positive that it’s hormones, but it’s still frustrating as shit. And some part of me is worried that I broke it.

Guitarist wanted to sex me earlier today. My brain is all squee because it's been a while, but I wasn't feeling anything physically. We even tried some foreplay to see if I could get into it, but I couldn’t. And I get to see Guitarist all day tomorrow (yay three day weekend!), but I have no sex drive. Fuck my life.
 

AutumnLeaves

New member
My major accomplishments today were doing a bunch of NaNoWriMo prep, and baking a cake for Purr’s birthday party tomorrow. She’s doing it pot luck style with all of her people. The lighting quality is crap, but I’m going to try to attach a picture:



... I think that worked. Maybe. Anyway.

It’s a two-layer chocolate cake made from scratch, with home-made peanut butter frosting (lighter) and chocolate-peanut-butter frosting (darker). The frosting was a little runny since I didn’t have nearly as much peanut butter as I needed, but it ended up working out. It tastes peanuty, anyway. Oh, and my piping bag was a sandwich bag I cut the corner off of, since I decided to do that at the last minute.

I’m quite proud of it. Nothing says affection as much as blisters from trying to mix icing to the right consistency.

All the cooking has been fantastically relaxing. Except the part where I ran to the box store in a not-so-great part of town at 12 am to pick up a cake caddy. Because who knows where my cake caddy is, but it’s not in our house.

I also talked a bunch with Flame today about his current interest. He's feeling a little bummed that she doesn't seem as into him as he is into her, but I think it's a combination of (1) she just had surgery and is medicated, and (2) Flame being in his own head. He's a sweet, adorable, affectionate man who has been taken advantage of by too many abusive women. And if this new interest isn't good for him, I will cut her. Not really. But I'll want to.
 

AutumnLeaves

New member
Purr’s birthday party yesterday was both fun and oddly stressful. She was hoping to have this big thing with all of her people. She had announced it months in advance. But only a couple of her people showed up. And by a couple, I mean me and Guitarist. Her ex-couple, the one that just broke up with her, also showed up to offer birthday support. And that was it.

It was nice to spend her birthday with her. It was nice to hug her and have dinner with her. She was very quiet throughout and her smile only at times seemed genuine. The whole rest of Purr’s polycule seems to have very… interesting… ideas of how to show someone that they care.

I’m very annoyed. I’m annoyed that she’s willing to invest emotional energy into people that clearly don’t value her in the same way. I’m annoyed that she won’t stand up for herself and that she was clearly hurt by this and she will go on being hurt but not tell them that they hurt her feelings. I'm annoyed that she doesn't value herself more. I’m annoyed that she feels like she only deserves scraps from people and that that’s good enough. I’m annoyed that none of this is my problem but it bothers me so much anyway. I’m just a giant ball of annoyed this morning, so I’m going back to my cave.
 

AutumnLeaves

New member
It’s been a wild few days. I’m hormonal as everything, Guitarist is struggling, Purr is struggling, Flame is struggling. I drank yesterday at my in-person gaming group, and I’m regretting it today. Not in the hung-over sense, since I didn’t drink THAT much total, but on top of the beer I had at gaming I had another two when I get home. Drinking alone. Not a good sign.

I did have a good time at gaming. I texted Marian and Purr from a very maudlin place when I got home, though. I can’t remember exactly why, but I was feeling very emotionally raw and fairly depressed. I’m almost frightened to go back and read what I wrote, because it’s probably all kinds of full of angst. Anyway, Guitarist sexed me when he woke up, and I felt better and passed out and had horrible dreams.

I went and worked out today with a friend after work, and that has stabilized my mood a bit. I read for my board meeting tomorrow and I’ve been texting with Flame and Marian and Purr, emailing with FirstFiance, and generally being the text version of a social butterfly. It’s doing wonders for my mood but isn’t exactly helping my productivity. I don’t feel either accomplished or relaxed right now, and it’s nearing time for me to wake Guitarist. He requested a cuddle date tonight. Tomorrow I have a board meeting. Wednesday I have a date with Marian. Thursday I have a date with Purr. And then it’s another weekend. Hooray!
 

AutumnLeaves

New member
Today, I'm a huge grumpy gus for no particular reason. I'm a little worried about my relationship with Purr. I'm feeling more and more connected to her as time goes on, but I'm not always sure that that's necessarily a good thing.

The main reason is that I'm not sure what I am to her. She clearly values me. But she has a phobia of the word love. And that's a word that I need to hear a lot, when it's applicable. Can I really feel valued in a long term relationship if someone can't or won't tell me that they love me? I don't know. And does hearing the word matter if they show me that they care in various ways? Again, I don't know. I've never been in this situation before.

But I feel like continuing to see her and getting more connected is, in a way, making a choice. I'm choosing to make myself vulnerable to a future heartbreak. I'm not sure that I like that thought at all. But is heartbreak really a likely possibility (not just possible, but likely), or is this just the grumpy speaking?

I'd love to have a more serious discussions with her, but it's hard to do over text. I don't see her until Thursday. And even when I do see her, we can't talk about it in front of the boys. So it will have to wait until they go to bed... when we're both tired and worn out.

Still, I'm worrying a lot about it, so we should talk about it. I'm investing a lot of time and emotional energy into this relationship. Where is this going? And not in the relationship escalator sense, but in the feelings sense. Can we be in love or am I essentially relegated to FWB status? Would I be willing to accept perpetual FWBness when it's less than what I want? I know what I don't think I can handle, and that would be being in love with someone who doesn't love me back. It's just too vulnerable of a place for me to want to be in it.
 

AutumnLeaves

New member
A reassuring text conversation with Purr was had, and all is well. Basically, she's afraid of falling in love. And I get that. When she's in, she's in, and she has allowed herself to fall too quickly in the past for some really huge assholes. She is afraid of making herself vulnerable in that way again. So she cares, but she's afraid to care too much.

I understand that. And I honestly think that it's not a forever thing. In any case, she's definitely worth sticking around for to find out.

I think hormones are contributing to my particular neediness and insecurity level right now. I'm feeling not very lovable or worthy, and so I'm questioning all of my relationships from Guitarist right on down the track. I think it's important for me to just bring my insecurities to people as they happen instead of sitting on them and dwelling about them.
 

AutumnLeaves

New member
Marian broke up with me. It was entirely unexpected, since we had an amazing date last week and two days ago we were talking about more things to put on the list of things that we wanted to do together. We went on our date tonight and both seemed to have a good time. It wasn't until we were having tea at her house afterward that she came out with a 'we should talk about our relationship.'

To be honest, that last part makes me a little angry. Was it a drop-of-the-hat decision? We couldn’t have cancelled the date, which involved board gaming with others, to talk? Does it matter? I don’t think it matters. Anyway.

Her rationale was that she’s way too busy with work and school to feel like she can really commit to a relationship and she doesn’t want to half-ass it. It wouldn’t be fair to me. She doesn’t think she would have time to see me once a week, isn’t sure less than that would feel like a real relationship to her, and she would feel guilty about neglecting me, even though I would have been okay with at least trying to see if it worked.

I entirely understand her rationale, and I agree with her decision, and it still really, really hurts. We clicked in a way that I don’t often click with people. She clearly, sincerely likes (liked?) me, and I was crushing on her in a way that I haven’t crushed on anyone since Guitarist. There was really nothing for me to try to argue against. I can’t tell her not to feel overworked, stressed out, and neglectful. I can’t argue with what she thinks is best for her own mental health. And that only seems to make it hurt more, not less.

She hopes we can still talk and hang out. I told her that I think that’s likely, but I’ll need at least a month or two to process. Flame has been invaluable tonight, Purr has been invaluable tonight, blogging it out has really helped, but for now I think I just need to go have a good cry.
 
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