Leaf on the Wind


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Some days I'm perfectly fine, some days I'm just barely hanging on, and some days these two extremes (being fine is actually an extreme right now) happen within hours of each other.

I was having a happy morning of compersion for Guitarist having a date with Purr. I shared some nice texts with Marian. I got a lot done at work. It was just a normal morning.

After lunch, my mood crashed. My eyes are wet but I refuse to cry at work, I'm obsessing over the things that are bothering me (and trying more or less successfully not to take them out on others), and I can't concentrate for shit. I've been staring at this single paragraph of work project for twenty minutes and it might as well be written in Latin. All I want to do right now is drink, eat, and sleep, preferably in that order.

I refuse to drink today. I refuse to depart from my meal plan. ... I may give in and take a nap, though.

Fuck stress. Happy Friday.


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The mood swings continue! Last night ended up being good in the end. I texted a bunch with Flame, and he talked me up enough from crashing and burning that I was in good enough shape to drive home from work. I love that I can just text him “tell me some nice things” without having to explain that I’m starting to doom spiral, and he’ll come back with all kinds of poetical shit. He is very much a kindred soul.

Later, I realized why everything crashed so abruptly and so hard. I’m hormonal because I’m ovulating. Of course, the way I realized this was the abrupt stabbing pain from my kidney to my stomach later in the evening, followed by the annoying cyst pain that will probably last a day or three. Stupid body. Why do you do this to me. I don’t want babies.

After I got home, I was texting with Purr and she wanted to know if I wanted to come over. I was still in a bad enough place that I kind of didn’t, so I told her that I was still decompressing and to give me a couple of hours. I ended up going over when I felt better and we did some snuggling and talking that progressed, after her kids went to bed, into making out and talking. The talking covered a lot of everything. Our feelings for each other and what they are and aren’t, what we’re looking for in relationships, what turns us on, all that good stuff. It was quite nice.

When I couldn’t justify keeping her up any longer, I came home and played some Cataclysm DDA for a couple of hours before cuddling Guitarist awake. We did some talking and reconnecting and sex, and I went to bed feeling pretty good.

Cue nightmares. I think I slept six hours, all of which involved dreaming about my entire family being stuck inside a burning building that I couldn’t rescue them from. I woke up sick to my stomach from sleep-stress. Guitarist came out from his office all bright-eyed, bushy-tailed, and ‘query: more sex,’ but I had to turn him down because I was really, REALLY not feeling it. I’m not a morning person, so sometimes in the morning I’ll let him initiate even when I'm not that into it because I know that as we’re going on I’ll get very into it. Not this morning. I just wasn’t in the right headspace.

Instead while I was getting coffee around we started talking more about poly stuff, touching base after my (first) solo make-out with Purr last night. He’s feeling good, I’m feeling good, we’re both feeling good together. Four thumbs up.

We also both agree that we don’t want to transition to seeing Purr as a threesome all the time. Purr is down with any combination of seeing us, as long as it’s often. I very much need alone time to have meaningful relationships, even though the three-way making out of a few days ago was pretty hot. There were some minor concerns from Guitarist regarding the future and scheduling with Purr, but very much in the nature of bridges we’ll cross if we come to them. Very reassuring stuff, and I was feeling pretty good after.

But wait, there's more! In the middle of that conversation, Dad called and went to voicemail. He’s clearly very upset and was asking for me to give him a ride somewhere. My instinct is to call him back, talk to him, comfort him, but I know that his being upset at mom very quickly turns into picking a fight with me and being upset with me, so… no. I can't even right now. Also I suspect the needing a ride thing is just an excuse to have a captive audience in a car for a while, because he has a perfectly functional truck. I’ll give him a few hours to calm down before I call him back. My mood dropped back down all the same, so I’m now hovering around mildly depressed.

Tonight, my friend from college that I met up with at the concert on Wednesday (I’ll call him Thrash) is going to be in town for a concert here in Small City. He wanted to know if I was planning on going. I wasn’t, but I told him that if he’s going, I’ll come out. It’s at the ‘usual’ venue where we’ve seen concerts together many times before, and after the usual venue show we usually go out for breakfast afterward at the 24-hour mom-and-pop breakfast place across the street. I’m really more interested in the breakfast and talk time than the concert itself, but it should be fun anyway. If nothing else it will get me out of the house and out of my own head.


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Yesterday was another day. Between struggling with a sinus infection and depression, I mostly just wanted to sleep and eat and wander from activity to activity being simultaneously bored and not wanting to do anything. My dad kept calling and I kept letting him go to voicemail. The voicemails were highly passive aggressive and manipulative.

Around mid-afternoon, my sister called. She was worried about dad, he wanted us to come over when she got out of work so that he could tell us something “very important,” she wanted to go because she was worried about his mental state, would I please go too. I said I would go to support her, so that’s where I ended up spending my evening instead of playing online games with my friends and then going to a concert. I don't regret going, but it was not a very fun time.

Mom filed for divorce on Friday. This knowledge led to simultaneous sadness and relief on my part. Dad thinks he has narcissistic personality disorder because he found an internet article that he really relates to and seems to describe him. He also had an abusive childhood and some other really horrible stuff that happened. I hope he doesn’t think that telling us these things excuses his less savory behaviors (mostly of the manipulative variety). And I do hope he gets therapy, though I’m not really sure he’ll actually follow through. In a lot of ways my dad is a good person, and I love him very much even though I can’t deal with him right now.

Then I didn't get much sleep. More nightmares, etc, except with the added bonus of waking up several times thinking that there was someone in my house. This morning, I was still feeling pretty glum. Guitarist cuddle-sexed me into a slightly better place when he got home from work, and then I group chatted for quite a while with him and Purr about things.

Purr disclosed that she kissed an ex at a party last night. I was very much “so what,” but it set off some major wibbles on Guitarist’s part. He seemed to be more upset that he was having them than actually jealous, so I disclosed some of my wibbles about an evening that I suspected (I didn’t even know for sure!) that Marian had a date with someone new. He said that he felt better to know that he wasn’t the only one that had insecure feelings like that.

My insecurity stuff comes from a worry about being replaceable. Marian clearly likes me and wants to spend time with me, but our relationship is still very new. We’ve haven’t even been dating a month yet. My NRE is extremely strong. I’m worried she might find someone or something she likes better and break things off with me. The best thing I can do about that is tell my brain to shut up because there is no evidence backing up that scenario. Quite the contrary, she’s always excited to talk to me and seems to look forward to our dates as much as I do. There is nothing she does or says that gives off warning flags.

Sometimes I wonder if I’ll ever feel secure in poly relationships, and then I remember to tell my brain to shut up some more because I haven’t even been trying it all that long. I recognize that a lot of this is depression speaking. One of the reasons I’m so secure with Guitarist is that our relationship has been tested quite frequently over the last five years and he has proven time and again that my trust and respect are not misplaced. My relationship with Marian hasn’t had time to be tested like that.

Tonight, I don’t have any big plans. I’m not sure yet whether I’ll play a game or watch Netflix. In either case, the struggle is going to be not eating everything in sight and then breaking into the scotch. So far, so good.


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Can't make this shit up

So this has been my morning. I was standing in the shower mentally poking myself in the feelings, wondering if I really do actually feel okay this morning or if that’s the deep dark pit of depression not letting me feel anything. I got out of the shower, performed my post-shower toilet flush, grabbed my second replacement wedding ring off the counter, the ring slipped off my fingertips and went flying into the toilet, landed on a cushion of toilet paper, and went sailing down the drain. The ring is no longer in the toilet. I looked.

I bought this replacement wedding ring only two weekends ago. It is (was) a cheap silver ring with a flower pattern that I really liked. The first wedding ring was defective and started corroding, the first replacement wedding ring was lost and never heard from again and is probably behind the dresser or fell in the trash can by the dresser or was made off with by the cats.

This is why we can’t have nice things.


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I’ve had a couple more up-and-down days. I texted a bunch with Marian yesterday morning and received my reassurances that I’m not the only one that’s feeling the 10-day length between our last date and our date tomorrow. That got me all psyched up. The psyched up lasted through pretty much the whole day, mixed with a lot of compersion about Guitarist’s date with Purr and excitement my date with Purr later that evening.

The good feels did not take me through the realization that Guitarist did not get home from his date with Purr in a timely fashion. He said he was going to get home relatively early and mow the lawn. Our back lawn hasn’t been mowed in two months and it’s been constant excuses for two weeks, when I first said it was bothering me. The first couple times X came up, or Y came up, I give the benefit of the doubt and say ‘oh that’s fine you’ll get to it later.’ But after two weeks, X Y and Z start to look like procrastination and excuses.

I’d like to blame the him-letting-the-lawn-slide stuff on poly, but it’s been a running battle in our relationship since we bought the house. I absolutely did not want a house with this much yard. I have reactive airways asthma and a grass allergy. Guess who can’t mow grass? Guess who has sinus and breathing problems when there is long grass all around the living space? My inability to do grass was definitely a point brought up in the whole buying-a-house conversation. I received many reassurances that he could take care of the grass, because he wanted a house a certain distance from the neighbors so he could have a band without worrying about noise complaints. We bought our house. It has over an acre of lawn.

Anyway, I was still pretty annoyed about that on showing up at Purr’s house. She asked what was wrong and I told her. Purr took that as an invitation to triangulate the lawn-annoyance to Guitarist (who had already received an earful about lawn annoyance from me, because I’m pretty vocal about things that are bothering me). Lesson learned: do not vent about Guitarist things to Purr. Next time I’ll just say I don’t want to talk about it, which will be true.

After our conversation, Guitarist promised to prioritize mowing the lawn. Today it was raining, which is not an excuse on his part. I’m trying to believe that he really will prioritize it now. Sometimes I think he really is just actually that oblivious to how much allergies suck and that the shaggy, flowering lawn with its flowering weeds affects my health. I think his brain goes lawn-aesthetic issue-fuck it. But that is not the case and there is only so much that a closed house and allergy medication can do.

Meanwhile, my mother texted me to inform me that, since dad is getting counseling, mom asked her lawyer to withdraw the divorce. Apparently it hadn’t been served yet (possibly not even filed, I’m not clear on that point… dad did say she filed on Friday, but non-legal-people tend to be a bit fast and loose with legal terms), so now it’s just a waiting game to see if dad is serious about getting therapy. He has a meeting with a guy that specializes in personality disorders on Friday. I’m really hoping that everything goes well in therapy, that my dad gets some of the help he needs to deal with some of his issues.

At the same time, I’m remarkably pissed off. This is the third or fourth time they’ve been “getting a divorce.” While it was by far the most severe, I feel like it has been much stress about nothing. Next time I’m going to tell them not to call me until it’s final or they’ve made up. This may just be the depression speaking. Or the anger. Or the residual stress.

I’m doing online gaming with Flame tonight. I’m thinking about hand-writing him a note on stationary about how awesome he is as a friend and how much I adore him and how much his support has meant to me lately and sending it to him in the actual mail. He still beams about a card I sent him for his birthday one year that I drew. Sometimes it’s those little personal touches!

Tomorrow, I have a date with Marian. I’m going over to her house and she’s going to cook. I’m not sure whether Ranger will be there, but I hope some alone time is in the offing. Everything about our text-conversations yesterday morning and this morning reassured me that I’m not being too needy, that 10 days was a long break, and that she misses me too.

But I still get anxious about texting her. It’s an odd form for insecurity to take. I don’t want to be viewed as needy, but at the same time I really like talking to her and so I get the urge to text her just about every day that I'm not insanely busy. She seems to enjoy talking to me whenever I do this. The thing is, she rarely texts me first. It could just be that she’s not a first-texter person, but if she needs the space, I want to give her the space. Anyway, I hope we can briefly touch base about that, so that I have an answer instead of just speculations.

Now I’m off to make a background for my online gaming character. Sigh. I already made the character, now Flame wants a background? I hate digging through the books. Hate hate hate. It’s the worst part of PNP (or in this case, Roll20) RPGs.


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But I still get anxious about texting her. It’s an odd form for insecurity to take. I don’t want to be viewed as needy, but at the same time I really like talking to her and so I get the urge to text her just about every day that I'm not insanely busy. She seems to enjoy talking to me whenever I do this. The thing is, she rarely texts me first. It could just be that she’s not a first-texter person, but if she needs the space, I want to give her the space. Anyway, I hope we can briefly touch base about that, so that I have an answer instead of just speculations.

I am an over texter, and so I dialed it back to initiating one conversation a day (excepted for something I really really want to tell them). I feel comfortable with that. I've not had anyone complain that I text too much and generally speaking I get thank yous for thinking of them later even if they don't reply.


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But I still get anxious about texting her. It’s an odd form for insecurity to take. I don’t want to be viewed as needy, but at the same time I really like talking to her and so I get the urge to text her just about every day that I'm not insanely busy. She seems to enjoy talking to me whenever I do this. The thing is, she rarely texts me first. It could just be that she’s not a first-texter person, but if she needs the space, I want to give her the space. Anyway, I hope we can briefly touch base about that, so that I have an answer instead of just speculations.

Not that odd, I could have written it about some of my relationships. :/ That said, I kind of like Nox's mention of differentiating between "people who don't like to text" and "people who don't like to text first", as I've had that same followup conversation with partners about how they liked texts I sent even if they didn't reply. I need to learn to be reassured by that...


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I'm glad to hear that it's not that strange of a worry! I just want to make sure I'm not crowding her. We both agreed that we wanted about 1x a week casual dating thing, but text contact was just not discussed. I honestly think my anxiety is mostly because the NRE is so strong and I don't want to inadvertently drive her away.

If she says she doesn't mind or enjoys it, I'm going to be happy to continue doing what I'm doing sans annoying anxiety. And if she doesn't want me to text that much, that's fine too. Daily contact isn't a need of mine (I can even go a day or two without seeing Guitarist, who is the person I've been the most contact-needy with in my life).

Meanwhile, I'm done with my work for the day... well, for the rest of the week, really, and Marian said she'd be happy to see me early! So at this point I'm just thumb twiddling and waiting for my boss to leave so I can leave too.


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What a good evening! I had a lovely dinner and snuggle date after work with Marian. Ranger was home, but he mostly stayed in the basement den. He did come up to help with making dinner and sitting around the table chatting while eating it, but he promptly returned downstairs. Either he was completely comfortable or very good at acting, and I prefer to think the former.

We did so much talking about everything. She’s so clever. Her thoughts are full of expression and clarity and compassion. Also, have I mentioned how cute she is? The word “elfin” comes to mind when I’m trying to think of a good single adjective to describe her. The texting conversation did come up and I really was anxious over nothing. She doesn’t mind me texting her at all, she just doesn’t usually think to text first because none of her friends really text. She likes to know that I think about her often. She has thought of little things to send me, but hasn’t wanted to imply that I need to respond right away or start a conversation. I reassured her that I don't feel compelled to respond right away if I'm busy, and she doesn't need to feel guilty if she can't respond right away herself. We are now totally on the same page.

I also got a goodnight kiss, my first kiss with Marian. I was so full of butterflies and happy feelings afterward that I turned the wrong way in her subdivision and it took me a while to find my way out. As I’m sitting here now, I’m mostly ecstatic but partially sad. Between my vacation with Guitarist next week and her work schedule, it will be another 12 days before I see her again. At least this time I don’t have to agonize about texting her!

Now I’m waiting for it to be a decent hour for me to cuddle Guitarist. I’m starting to miss him horribly. Wednesday is always the hardest part of the week, the longest stretch between when either of us has 'weekend' time at work. On non-weekend days we’re like passing ships unless we schedule cuddle time. Our scheduled cuddle-conversation this week was laced with anxiety and bad feelings, even if it turned out okay. It was on Monday night. I have literally seen him only about 10 minutes since Monday night.

I passed some time by texting with Purr, setting up some dates for next week, but she has now gone to bed. I had proposed having a triad date next week since it will be a rare instance where all of our schedules will match up (Guitarist is switching his sleep schedules around for our vacation). Apparently after having breakfast together this morning, they wanted to know if two dates as a triad would be okay. Now my calendar has two triad dates with Purr and Guitarist bracketing the vacation, and it’s all giving me a lot to look forward to next week. And I feel much less guilty for abandoning Purr for four full days.

Did I mention that I’m vacationing with Guitarist several days next week? How we do our vacations is we reserve our sleeping accommodations for the middle of the week, so that we have the weekend before and after to have some down time in our house before the actual vacation itself. The unscheduled weekends give us time to ramp up and time to spin down without the hassles of work and stress clouding our minds while trying to pack, transport pets to pet care, decide activities, etc.

For now I must do some adulting, like paying our mortgage, which I have consistently failed to pay for the last week and that is due tomorrow.


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I've been doing a lot of thinking and processing today, since I don't have much of anything to do at work. Today's topic: Purr.

I question my relationship with Purr a lot because the feelings forming the relationship are so different than they were with Guitarist. My relationship with Guitarist was and is amazingly successful, so I think sometimes it's my unconscious model of how a relationship should be. All of the feelings I had for him at the beginning of the relationship are the "right" feelings... because those feelings led to something that works and that I cherish.

But it was successful at being what I wanted and needed it to be: a highly entwined, mutually supportive long-term relationship. That isn't what I want from my other relationships. That isn't what I want from my relationship with Purr.

So the fact that my relationship with Purr is different is okay. That should be true: I'm trying to believe that.

I'm not bowled over by NRE with Purr. I love spending time with her, I enjoy being her rock, I want to support her while she comes out from under the shadows of an abusive relationship and realizes that (unlike what she has been led to believe) she is strong and smart and pretty and capable. I enjoy the time I have with her, but some part of me is holding back and I want to know why.

As I was was writing that just now, I realized that this is more like my relationship with Flame. Another relationship I'd characterize as highly successful. I wasn't bowled over by NRE because I thought we could only be friends. But I've come to love and cherish Flame in a special way regardless. Even though we don't have a physical/romantic relationship (making it different than Purr), we very much have an emotional/romantic relationship. It's meaningful and fulfilling.

So... my model of relationship with Guitarist is not only "right" model that will work for me long-term. That is a fact.

I've been very worried that what I'm giving Purr is somehow "less than." But is she really receiving anything "less than"? And less than what, exactly? Less than the "right" feelings? It doesn't make sense. It makes even less sense because I'm very honest about my feelings with her and she knows what I feel and gives every indication of finding them to be enough.

I think my problem is another strange form of insecurity. It's a fear thing. I fear that she's getting less than with me, because the feelings don't look like my feelings for Guitarist (or Marian), and therfore she will some day realize this and leave me for someone who can give her ALL the "right" feelings. It has made me worried to commit, worried to enjoy the feelings I have because they aren't "right" and because if I feel them too much I'll fall in love and get my heart broken. That's why I'm holding back. But that's silly. It's fear-based reasoning, not logical reasoning supported by any facts.

Anyway, I feel much better now. I'm going to try to just feel my Purr-feelings instead of be so in-my-own-head about them.


Active member
This is why we can’t have nice things.

I often say this - then correct myself. I can have nice things...temporarily. Nice things =/= expensive things. I can surround myself with "nice things" that can get lost, or broken, or ruined - which doesn't really matter because they are "just" things.

For example, 12 years ago I thought I had thrown away the few projects from high school that I cared about and my yearbooks after a fight with MrS (in which he asked me how long I was going to let this box of "crap" clutter up the place before going through it - I was "never going to look at it anyway"). Periodically I would feels pangs of guilt (for me) and anger (at him - irrational, I know.) (Like a friend of mine who had lost family pictures in a house fire - but for a lesser reason). Well, see, what happened was...my mom gave me a "box-of-crap" from my old room a few years ago. What was in it? Oh, only ALL the stuff I thought I had thrown away years ago in a fit of pique.

So the old box WAS ACTUALLY a box-of-crap! Stuff I didn't even know I had been saved! I was mourning the loss of something that was not ACTUALLY gone. JEESH. Know how many times I have looked at the stuff from the "resurrection box-of-crap"? About twice. (Am I going to throw it away? Hell, no! - I am a hoarder at heart - but if it dies in a fire? Well, I did that mourning already, so, whatever.)

What I have decided: Stuff is just stuff. Don't spend more than you are willing to "throw away". Only people (and, to a lesser extent, dependent pets) REALLY matter.

PS. I am at the point, now, where experiencing experiences is the most important part of any adventure - my memories are mine. I rarely take pictures anymore, as my memories are so much richer than what can be conveyed by a mere picture.
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Stuff is very much just stuff. Fortunately for me, the second replacement ring was a very inexpensive ($35) silver ring. What upset me so much was the sentiment of accidentally tossing a recently reacquired piece of symbolism down the toilet. The whole thing seemed to suit where I was at at that point... which was in a pretty bad place.

In good news, I'm better!

Yesterday was a relaxing day with Guitarist. I came home from work shortly after noon when my boss's secretary showed up because, like I said, basically done with work until after my vacation. We ended up loafing together on the couch under a blanket watching Arrested Development, which we've watched so many times but is good for happiness. It was pretty crisp in our house and Guitarist's feet were cold, so he came over and put his icy feet on my leg under the blanket.

What really happened was he said that his feet were cold and I wouldn't like it if he put them under the blanket, I said go ahead, and then his feet really were very cold. But they warmed up.

He's trying to switch his third-shift schedule around so we cuddled like that until he decided to go to bed around 4 pm. After that I played some games and then watched some TV and made Purr a necklace. She gave me two necklaces that had broken and asked me to make them into one long thing. I took all the beads off them and did that, but I also added additional wooden beads and some seed beads for aesthetic effect. It's long enough that it hangs to my waist but, hey, that's what she wanted.

Guitarist is quite sick. He is coughing constantly and sounds like a foghorn. I'm sick to a lesser extent, a bit of sore throat and occasional coughing. I mistakenly thought that Purr wanted our triad date for NEXT Friday when she really wanted it for TODAY, so we're going to go over there as soon as I get off work. Yes, while we're sick... because where do you think we picked this bug up? Purr has a school-age child, recently back to school and swapping all the good bugs with his friends.


A random thought: Your sig line always makes me think of the line from A Visit From Saint Nicholas, "As dry leaves before the wild hurricane fly, When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky". Which, if looking from the perspective of your sig line, could be inspirational about surmounting difficulties even when buffeted by life.



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Yay inspirational signature! It reminds me of Wash from Firefly, which has a similar effect on me.

Yesterday, me and Guitarist had a triad date with Purr at Purr’s house. Guitarist was horribly sick and I was very out of sorts. I realized about half-way through that I was having introvert social overload again. I just could not stand being in company, particularly the loud and needy company of Purr’s baby. It was no fault of the baby, it’s in their nature to be loud and needy. Anyway, it ended up being fine. Purr and Guitarist cooked dinner while I made sure the small children did not get horribly burned and marginally stayed out of their hair. We did get cuddle time in before we had to go, so that was nice.

I’m so sick today.

I got up at 5:30 am to volunteer at a charity 5k for the organization I’m on the board of, and my mother came out, so that was fun. Except it was also extremely cold and windy, so that was not fun. But we got donuts and coffee to make up for it.

I came home and watched a million episodes of Chopped. I felt like I couldn’t move myself off the couch even if I wanted to, except to make myself a bowl of frozen berries in almond milk. I whined a lot in my head about my horrible headache. And then I fell asleep mid-episode. That kicked off a half-hour nap. I woke up long enough to slog to the bed for an hour nap. Then I went back to the couch for another two-hour nap.

It’s completely not shocking that I’m running a low fever. What’s actually shocking is that I’m actually trying to do my scheduled online gaming with friends right now. Flame, our Roll20 ST, is setting up maps and stuff and we’re trying to corral a bunch of people onto Skype. We’ve been “playing” for 40 minutes and I’m starting to a) worry we’ll never get started, and b) worry I’m going to fall asleep at the keyboard. Oh, apparently we’re starting now. We’ll see how this goes.


Well-known member
Ahhh, Firefly.

<3 <3 <3


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I got to have my first real jealousy conversation with Guitarist. It actually went pretty well, and gives me hope for future jealousy conversations that I’m sure will crop up.

As a background, sick gaming did not go particularly well. We have a large gaming group (six players and Flame storytelling) and that normally rubs me the wrong way in the first place. I tend to get bored and feel lost in the shuffle. It doesn’t help that certain players basically turn the game into a yelling match, interrupting each other to try to get Flame’s attention with whatever they want to do at any given moment, even if he’s in the middle of resolving something for someone else. Flame tries to handle all things at the same time, which turns it into a clusterfuck.

By 10 I was feeling very sick and tired and annoyed, so I logged out early. I asked Guitarist if he wanted to watch a show or something, since we’d been in the same house all day but doing our own things: I was doing my sick-sleep-Chopped-marathon, he was playing Europa all day. He said give him 10 to 15 minutes to resolve something. I said okay, I’d go watch some more Chopped until he was done.

An hour later he wandered into the living room and said he had started talking to Purr and wandered back into his office. I immediately felt hurt and rejected. In my mind, he had said he was going to do something with me, but something with Purr came up and he decided to do that instead.

I finished my episode and told him I was going to bed. Further background, earlier we had said we might maybe do something sexy this evening, so I hadn’t really done anything to mitigate any sick-but-still-feeling-mildly-horny horniness. I said I was going to masturbate, hoping that he might remember that and ask me to hold off so he could join in. He said, oh wait let my brush my teeth first. Did that in the master bath while I curled in bed. And then he wandered through and back out to texting with Purr. More rejected and hurt feelings.

So this morning when we woke up, my mind was going all kinds of bad places. I was moderately sad and feeling very out of sorts. It actually took me a while to realize that it was a jealousy thing as well as just feeling sick. That made me feel doubly bad (not only jealous, but also like I’m a shitty person) because I knew it was about Purr and I also know that in a few days, I’m taking an extended vacation with Guitarist and it makes sense for some Purr time to occur now.

I actually had to take a little while to work myself up to the dreaded phrase “I’m having jealous feelings.” I was worried it would put Guitarist on the defensive, and it kind of did, but not to the extent I was worried about. I think was afraid that, since they had started having sex, she had grown in his affections and this would be a regular occurrence. That she has become so important to him that he’ll start ditching me on things to spend more time with her.

Anyway, I was reassured that the case last night was just a series of miscommunications. He got caught up in following up with Purr about a conversation she and I had in our group chat, then came out and saw me watching TV and thought that I had decided to do TV without him, and then he interpreted my hurt and rejection as me just not wanting him to join in with me in bed. Hugs and cuddles were had all around, and I’m feeling a lot better this morning.

Today should be a rainy, cold, lazy day. We’re going to run a couple pre-vacation errands of the extremely necessary sort, and then loaf on the couch and actually watch TV this time. Hooray!


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It’s been a few crazy pre-vacation days. Mostly I’ve been trying to get things around so that today wasn’t a huge rush. Yesterday we had a triad date at Purr’s apartment, complete with fun sexytimes while the baby was napping. The baby woke up toward the end, while Purr was very much in a situation, so I got to run off and comfort him while Guitarist and Purr got the living room decent. It ended up being a lot of fun, even within Purr’s boundaries that I was worried could make things awkward. We all agreed that it was weird in that it didn’t feel weird at all for anyone involved. Later, I cooked dinner while Purr ran off to pick up her older child from school, and that was super nice too.

So much for Guitarist’s long-past statement that he doesn’t do three-ways.

After we dropped off the dog at my mom’s house for dog-sitting, Guitarist and I watched some TV. We finished the fifth season of Walking Dead, so now I can talk to him about things that happened without spoiling the crap out of it for him. I also did a lot of texting with Marian. She’s been texting me first some lately, and I think our conversation about texting opened that up. It’s been super nice. Yesterday she expressed that she was feeling down and she wished I was there to cuddle her. It made me feel warm and desired and cooled quite a bit of my Marian-insecurities.

Right now we’re getting the house around for departure time. I’m very much looking forward to our vacation. It’s sort of a short recap of our honeymoon vacation, all of the best parts condensed into four days. We’re having a super fancy dinner at a swank restaurant tonight, the kind of dinner that is six courses and a bottle of wine. We’ll be there eating and enjoying each others’ company for hours. I’ve been looking forward to it for months. And then over the next couple days we’ll drift around Tourist Town for a couple of days, hitting up some of our other favorite restaurants and buying a lot of wine and loafing in or rolling around on the bed for long periods of time reading and generally having a relaxing break from real life.

I don’t expect I’ll be posting much until we get home, which should be Thursday evening. On Friday I have a dyad date with Purr and on Saturday Guitarist has a dyad date with Purr. Then on Sunday I’ll be getting myself back into the headspace for work (and a date with Marian) on Monday.

My life is wonderfully busy lately.


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Quick update while Guitarist is in the shower: omg fancy dinner, it was so delicious. I've probably gained 5 lbs.

We started witrh a cheese board that included my personal favorite, peccarino; a cow's milk truffle cheese; and another more tart ewe's milk cheese. A fairly dry red wine called Travaglini. An appetizer of beef carpaccio. Entrees were a HUGE on the bone lamb chop for Guitarist, with shittake mushrooms and red potatoes. I had lamb meatballs and sausage on a bed of roasted tomatoes, with a side of celery and gnoccini in a cream sauce. Followed up with espresso and, when we could eat again, this extremely flavorful orange almond cake.

Sorrynotsorry to go all food-porn on this blog but man. This is why we vacation. Seeing Guitarist, who is a tshirt and jeans man (when he deigns to wear real pants) all dressed up was scrumptious.

We talked a lot about our relationship, where it was a year ago and where it is today. We talked some about Purr too. I'd love to take her out to a fancy meal some time.

We have also finished a delightful breakfast here at the B&B... and the shower just turned off. I'm so looking forward to rolling around on the bed some more. Good vacation thus far!


Whew that meal sounds really delicious! Gnoccini in cream sauce sounds so good and fattening I think I am gaining weight just thinking of it. Gee! I am sure you will be so hard put to find ways to work it off at the B&B! ; )



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I can't think of any ways either ;)

Tonight we met up with a woman who showed us wine at a vineyard on our subsequent brew pub adventure, completely on accident. We chatted and enjoyed the company of other people while doing an impromptu beer and cheese pairing event, and man, I loved the people we met and I loved being completely out as poly.

I also love Guitarist. What an amazing and supportive man. Lucky every day to be his wife. So drunk, so happy, good vacation.