Leaf on the Wind

The weekend was good overall. I had a great time at my friend's poker game with Purr. Purr even tried to play a few hands, which was absolutely adorable. Toward the end she was getting tired though. Possibly because she gets up extremely early with the boys and the game ran until after midnight. We came back to my place in separate cars, since she met me out there.

Purr and Guitarist hadn't had alone time since the party, so I let them alone about a bit and went to bed. It didn't hurt that Purr got out of the car at my house with "drama bomb" written on her face, and I was extremely irritable from crying baby, PMS, and having a drink spilled on me, so I just showered and passed out.

They didn't come to bed until late. When they did, they woke me up with their shifting around and giggling and whispering (well, Purr was giggling). So of course I was grumpy, and of course I couldn't go back to sleep, and of course I couldn't get comfortable with cramps and three adults in a queen-sized bed. So I went and slept on the living room floor. Which, by the way, was so much more comfortable and I woke up in an excellent mood.

Then Purr hung around all day, which was nice even if I didn't get much adulting done. And the zoo lights were gorgeous. It wasn't too cold or crowded, and the animal houses were open for like the primates, felines, owls, and snakes. The kittens really got a kick out of the felines, and Kitten 1 was extremely well-behaved.

I have to go back to work today and I'm really not looking forward to it. But I made myself get up and make my giant work salad (the mother salad from which all the week's salads will be drawn) so now I just have to go. Besides, I only have to work three days and then it's another holiday.
 
Super excited for New Years' Eve for the first time in a long time! I'm going out to dinner with Guitarist and Purr, and then we're going over to Purr's house to pick out her outfit and do her makeup, and then we're going to the gay bar where my friend is guest bartending to do dancing, and then we're going Purr's FWB's party (not one previously mentioned), and then we're coming back to my house to pass out in bed with Guitarist. Squee! I'm going to have so much fun. I haven't been dancing in forever.
 
I dressed up all soft butch to go to the bar with Purr... and then her grandfather had a stroke (fortunately mild) as she was dropping off the Kittens and her grandmother had to take him to the hospital. He's hospitalized overnight now, she's understandably in no partying mood, and her child care has clearly fallen through. She's spending the night at her grandmother's house with grandmother and boys.

Time for plan B. Leftover pizza and Netflix on the couch with Guitarist. Not as exciting as plan A, but I'm experiencing the depression form of compersion for Purr, so it's about my speed right now anyway.
 
Guitarist is on OKC now, and I'm having major major major wibbles. To the extent of we've just had a two-hour conversation and I needed to come here to process wibbles.

The most frustrating thing is that I don't even know what the problem is. He keeps asking me the problem and I honestly can't give him a fucking answer. I 100% am supportive of him getting on OKC. I want him to message women, to possibly find someone else who complements him and that he can share things with.

But when he mentioned messaging a woman who is primarily looking for casual sex/short term dating, I freaked out. I don't even know why. It isn't that I don't trust him to abide by our rules (yes, feel my double negatives people, that is the anxiety speaking). It's the concept of this nebulous woman who I don't know and don't trust trying to get Guitarist to do something that's going to end up in me being exposed to an STD or other relationship-fallout issues.

I know this is a completely nonproductive way of thinking. Not all women who want casual sex, no emotions attached are hormone-driven crazy folk without a stitch of sexual safety in mind. Not even the majority of them are. I know this and I used to be a casual sex person. But I think my concern is this: if he hasn't been dating her for very long and she just wants to jump in the sack with him, how am I supposed to trust that his trust in her is a legitimate thing instead of just endorphins and other hormones speaking.

In other words, I trust him, I just don't 100% trust his trust of other people when NRE is on his brain.

I was trying to communicate this when he asked, so you didn't feel this way when I first talked about opening up our relationship with Purr.

TL;DR: No.

Long version: I didn't feel this way about Purr. While I didn't know shit about Purr, Purr was a known quantity to Guitarist. He was talking to her for a long time. They had this gradually deepening mutual crush thing. He actually did have to limit his NRE and step back enough to ask me a very scary question, whether we would open our relationship or not. In that way, both he and Purr demonstrated that they weren't about to do anything damaging to my relationship with Guitarist. But now he's talking about going out on some date with some random from the internet that may or may not have his best interests in heart, but definitely hasn't done anything to earn my trust. Ah. AAAAAAH.

And I'm supposed to say I'm completely okay with him having sex with this nebulous other person? I'm not. I'm not saying she might be a rapist. I'm just saying that I'm uncomfortable.

It makes me feel horrible. Like I'm the bad partner who is all like, no, we have this rule about sex, which is testing and we have to have a discussion. I'm not going to ask to meet every woman he wants to have sex with before he has sex with them. To me, that feels ridiculous, and that's not what I'm asking for. I'm just concerned.

And in a way, I feel like my concern isn't legitimate. If I trust him, I should trust him. I should trust that his trust in some random woman he wants to have sex with is legitimate instead of clouded.

I know that I should, but I can't. So here I am. Processing, because I needed to get away from the conversation.

It probably doesn't help that we'd been drinking wine before this whole I-messaged-a-woman-interested-in-short-term-dating-casual-sex thing came up and now I've broken into the scotch. Balvenie 14-year Caribbean Cask if anyone is interested---absolutely delicious, but it doesn't help my mental processing skills.

My skin is literally tingling with anxiety right now.

And Guitarist keeps apologizing for ruining my night. I'm trying to get it through his head that he hasn't ruined my night, that I'm experiencing an emotion that I just wanted him to know that I'm experiencing, that may or may not be logical, and that I don't want him to stop online messaging even Casual Sex Woman on account of my wibbles. I just want him to know that I have them and for him to tell me that it'll be okay.

Which he has. I just need to get it through my thick skull that it is, in fact, okay.
 
I completely understand your reaction to Guitarist being on OKC, specifically to him looking at someone who only wants casual sex. A couple of days ago, Woody, with best intentions, suggested setting up Hubby with someone who's coming to one of our FL group events, a woman who clearly states on her profile that she is looking solely for sex. I had to walk away from the computer so I wouldn't go off on a yelling, swearing rant at Woody...it wasn't the woman herself, it was my reaction at the thought of my husband being with a woman purely to fuck her. I told Woody that based on the profile, I wouldn't trust that woman within ten feet of Hubby.

Nothing against *her*. It was against the idea of her being involved in any way with *my husband*. (Who doesn't do casual sex anyway, but that's beside the point...) I also understand the trusting your partner while not being entirely confident he won't think with his dick thing.

So I kind of get what your anxiety is doing to you with that situation. I hope you're feeling better this morning. Major kudos to you for being able to express to him that it was *your* problem and you didn't want him to change his behavior, only to reassure you about it. That's a hard thing to do in the throes of an anxiety attack!
 
Thank you! I'm glad my reaction wasn't the kind of completely off the wall reaction that no one has ever had before. And I am feeling a lot better this morning. When I went back to the conversation after processing, it actually turned into a really good night where we reassured each other about a lot of things that had been bothering us (I wasn't the only one with some problems under the surface), and we ended up rolling into bed together for some pretty hot sexy times.

I think that the thing that really threw me was the casual sex reference. Guitarist doesn't do casual sex either! He has always maintained that the shared feelings are one of the best parts. So as well as the "what?!?!" reaction to it being uncharacteristic of him, I was completely mentally and emotionally unprepared for the idea of Guitarist having casual sex with someone. It just isn't one the scenarios I went through in my head when I was kicking around the idea of him dating someone new.

Part of Guitarist's reassurance was that she wasn't just looking for sex, but also short-term dating. He clarified that he had been a little flippant when speaking, which is classic us, except this time for whatever reason it triggered an anxiety button. He's actually looking for a FWB+ or a casual relationship. I'm not really sure what the difference is, but sometimes my demisexual brain has trouble wrapping itself around minor distinctions in other peoples' romantic attachment levels.

Anyway, this morning, all is well. I limited myself to one finger of the scotch last night, so this morning I'm not even hung over. Hooray!
 
Yay! I'm glad you're feeling better.

Woody's logic for suggesting the woman on FL was that I had told him Hubby doesn't consider himself polyamorous and would not be looking for a relationship, more a FWB thing. Woody, logically but incorrectly, thought that Hubby having no-strings sex with a woman he wouldn't have to talk to again would be a good way to "ease him into this."

Still not sure how Woody got "Set him up with a woman whose profile blatantly says she loves to fuck and that's pretty much all she's looking for" from "Hubby isn't sure he could handle the emotional investment and time investment of a relationship, so he probably wouldn't want anything more than FWB", but anyway...

Hubby is the type who needs some level of emotional connection before having sex with someone. If he doesn't have that, an emotional connection forms even if he doesn't intend it to. That doesn't have to be love; liking the person and thinking they're cool to hang around with is sufficient. But there has to be at least that. So not only does he not do casual sex, he's found in the past that he *can't*. Even if it is intended to be casual, it becomes not-casual for him. (He told me, and I told Woody, that he would actually rather have a platonic friendship with a woman he gets along well with, than sex with someone there won't be any friendship with.)

I think Guitarist's distinction between "FWB" and "casual relationship" might have to do with the level of feelings and with the actions between the people. FWB includes sex, but the friendship is the more prominent element, usually. You're not in love with the person and intend to keep it that way, and just as friends don't always spend time together and sometimes don't even communicate for weeks on end, it can be the same with an FWB.

A casual relationship, to me, would mean that you consider the other person more than "just a friend". You might love them. You try to spend more time with them and/or keep in fairly regular contact with them. But you are not committed to each other; you haven't made any agreements with each other about your role in each other's life, or how often you're going to see each other, or even necessarily said "we're in a relationship."

Whereas a relationship-relationship, to me, includes loving/being in love with the other person and having certain commitments and promises to each other.

Does that help at all?
 
That explanation does help. I think that I'm in the "I understand, I don't comprehend" area now instead of being completely unable to wrap my mind around it. I understand what you're saying but it's like reading about Africa: I've never been to Africa, so I have trouble picturing what it's really like, even when I have a bunch of very vivid descriptions and pictures in front of me.

I've never had a friendship where I don't I fall in love with my friend. I have the same feelings for my closest friends that I have for Guitarist and Purr, just to different degrees depending on how frequently we stay in contact. The ones I really cherish, like Flame and to a slightly lesser extent Irish, I contact very regularly. So to me, any FWB arrangement would necessarily be what you describe as a casual relationship. But I get that not everyone else works this way.

It sounds like what Guitarist is looking for is a casual relationship. Less commitment than his relationships with me and Purr, someone to have fun times with and share feeling with, but not necessarily see on a regular basis or feel like emotional support expectations are there. As he's explained it, he wants it to be a relationship where sex is a thing that can happen but he also wants an emotional bond. Not necessarily immediate sex, but sex eventually is something he wants out of a relationship (the immediacy point is the point where I was confused last night and that really freaked me out).

Anyway, that really did help me sort it out in my head. Thank you thank you!
 
Meanwhile, Guitarist read through Casual Sex Woman's answers to OKC questions and he decided that they probably wouldn't be compatible after all, since she's more on the swinging end of nonmonogamy and he's still looking for someone polyamorous. So that was a bunch of freaking out for nothing.

My childhood cat died yesterday. Also, my secretary called to tell me that she won't be in because her 90+ year old mother fell and broke her hip. I don't know a single person that is having a good winter thus far. I really want to just hibernate until spring.
 
I ended up snapping at Guitarist last night. We have two bathrooms, but for whatever reason, he chose basically the extract minute of my bed time to sit in the bathroom I needed for 20 minutes. I say whatever reason, but the reason actually was "the books are in there."

So I wasn't able to brush my teeth until about 30 minutes after I was supposed to be in bed. If this was the first time this has happened, I probably wouldn't have been so angry about it. I realize that he doesn't do it on purpose, but it isn't like I randomly move my bed time around. It's pretty consistently at or around the same time. And only 1 of us has to get up at a set time to go to work. A little consideration would be nice.

And then I was so irritated that I couldn't sleep.

I was still feeling quite resentful this morning. I know that a good part of it is winter+grandma died+childhood cat died over the weekend+"I have to work but he doesn't" (which isn't technically true, he does work from home, he just gets to do enjoyable work that he actually wants to do at a pace he wants to do it while I'm here suffering). Meanwhile, I'm swamped at work and I'm supposed to see Purr tonight. Date night will be shitty because I'm too tired and irritated to be child-presence suitable and I'll probably have to leave early to be safe to drive.

I'm no longer angry. At this point, I'm just depressed. To the extent that I'm thinking about canceling date night with Purr, but I think that would only make things worse, not better.

Anyway, just needed to vent. Lunch time is now over, so back to the grind stone I go.
 
Last night ended up going fine, even if I did end up wanting to kill Kitten 2 (he only took a short nap and alternated between screaming, whining, and repeating the same thing over and over... for 3 hours). I drove home with the windows down because I was so sleepy and of course when I got home I was wired, so I got to curl up with Guitarist+dog on the couch for some Bob's Burgers. The dog insisted on sitting directly between us and being rambunctious, reminding me a lot of Purr's children.

Here is a little poly tidbit that makes me happy:

Purr is very free-spirited and likes to do what comes to her at the moment, including see who's available at the moment. So I've never asked her for a scheduled day, but just generally requested that I get one night a week. Last night she asked if I would like to have Tuesdays as a general rule. To me, this is about as emotionally important as when she said that she loved me back.

Here is another one that makes me happy:

Giggling when Guitarist says "being married is really messing with my dating game."

I'm feeling a lot better this morning, guys. We'll see how long that lasts!
 
So much for Casual Sex Woman not being a thing. She messaged Guitarist back, and apparently they've been messaging back and forth all day. Apparently Casual Sex Woman isn't just about casual sex, but also about video games and other common interests.

And he's discovered she's Facebook friends with Smith and Purr. Hooray.

I'm not actually freaking out about it any more, I'm just half-amused half-annoyed that out of all the women he's messaged, she's the only one he said wouldn't message him back, and she's the only one that has. I'll perhaps have to come up with a different moniker, but it's too soon to tell.
 
Still chatting on OKC with the guy who randomly invited me to his metal show. Having the "how can you do multiple relationships I could never do that" conversation with him.

In good news, I finished last month's work at work and now I'm on to next month's at a much reduced pace. I can already feel the weight lifted off my shoulders.
 
I'm having such a hard time working at work today. I accidentally stayed up too late playing Dwarf Fortress (Guitarist walked in at 1:30 am and said aren't you supposed to be in bed, apparently I utterly failed to check the clock after 11:30 pm, damned dorfs). And we went out to lunch for a work friend's birthday and I had an olive burger and I don't normally eat big lunches or lots of red meat and now I'm sleepy. Sigh.

This weekend is going to be busy but fun. I'm seeing one of my friends from college on Saturday and on Sunday I'm running my monthly Deadlands: Reloaded game. I'm also trying to be at least 75% done with the sixth revision of the manuscript I'm working on by Monday, so that I'll definitely be done by the end of January. Busy busy busy.

The mono guy I've been casually chatting about poly with on OKC brought out the "you're really cool lets hang out some time" card. Sigh. I pointed out where it says in my profile that I'm looking for online friends only, and I haven't heard back.

Do they not read? I'm really not leading people on here. I'd put the disclaimer in all caps if I thought that it would help.

Meanwhile, Casual Sex Woman checked out my profile so I checked hers out back. I really will need to come up with a new name, because Casual Sex Woman really doesn't fit. It's more like No Relationship Escalator woman. So I'm a lot less concerned about that, if it goes anywhere between her and Guitarist.

It just goes to show me that it's a lot easier to be threatened by unknown quantities (and tongue-in-cheek quips on Guitarist's part).

Okay, back to work. This research isn't going to do itself.
 
Lots of stuff that I've been too busy to write about.

Purr is considering moving into her grandparents house. After her grandfather's stroke, her grandparents want to move to a condo, but they want the house to stay in the family (they basically raised Purr). It would put her about 50 minutes and on a dirt road away instead of 30 and with all roads paved. In the summer, it wouldn't be a problem, but in the winter?

That's really getting driven home today because I really want to see her today, but the weather is horrible. The roads are bad and I barely got into work. Apparently I missed the multi-car pileup on the interstate that had my secretary in traffic for over an hour. I'm not sure about a 30 minute drive around midnight. All this slush is just going to freeze. And it keeps snowing. I may cancel, but I miss her badly and don't want to because I'm not free again until next week. I don't know.

Guitarist is still talking online with CSW. He even calls her that around the house just to tweak me. That man. In good news, I'm still feeling 0% threatened by her.

I had a long text conversation with Flame yesterday. Every now and then something sets him off about his ex-wife and he needs me to pound some sense into him. This time it was a friend asking for a recommendation to a flower place in a place that Flame+ex had talked about moving to. I wish he could get over her already. I know he does, too.

Thrash, the friend I hung out with on Saturday, has also been having relationship woes. He just wants to find a consistent FWB in his local area but it seems like every woman he knows either wants to sleep with him once and never gets back or wants the relationship escalator. I don't really know what to tell him. I've never looked for solely FWB, they have only just happened on their own.

Anyway, this week is packed again. Maybe seeing Purr tonight, donating blood tomorrow and picking up pet supplies, archery class Thursday, probably grocery shopping Friday, and then we're into the weekend again. This one features dinner with Awkward Geeky Friend + long-distance girlfriend, and dinner with the parents.

Then I have Monday off from work and I'm not scheduling anything because I need a fucking break from my life.
 
I didn't get to see Purr last night. The drive home hammered into my brain that it really was the best decision. My boss let me go home early, and even pre-rush-hour, there were two wreckers pulling people out of ditches and one accident. It wasn't snowing badly, but it was very windy, and when you live in farm country that means serious blowing snow concerns. Anyway, I miss her something awful today.

At least I got some good snuggle time in with Guitarist yesterday when I got home from work. That helped.

I don't know where my sex drive went, but I suspect it's somewhere in the pits of depression. I'm not sleeping well, haven't seen the sun in days. Feeling very overwhelmed and just want to escape into my online RPG to avoid dealing with my life. Every time I eat, I'm nauseated afterward,which is another depression thing for me. Ideally, I would hibernate, but I can't do that.

This is winter.
 
I'm in a state of depression again today. More than my usual depression. The kind where I think "man, it would be nice to be done with all of this bullshit" but definitely not in the suicidal way. More in the wanting to hermit in the woods and tell everyone else to fuck right off way. Just very, very tired of dealing with everyone and everything.

It's times like these where I have trouble having the emotional energy for one relationship, much less two.

Purr has been in a bad way yesterday night and today. Very moody and in a whiny state. I guess Guitarist talked to her about how he's on OKC yesterday (he said he'd been waiting to do it in person) and she got all grouchy. Which, okay, whatever, she sees other people all the time, but they have grown distant lately. So she's on about that.

And I'm just like. ... I'm sorry. Because there is nothing else to say.

She even whined to me about her gravy being runny, I said I don't make gravy, she said well what should I do, I said I guess try a slurry, and she shot me the fuck down "I've done that three times" and then proceeded to complain about her runny fucking gravy.

And this morning it was the move or not move issue. My every thought she took issue with, it felt like.

So whatever. What can I even do.

Oh and I had to rearrange my home office because my cat draped his tail into my floor lamp and singed it. Again. The cat is fine. But now my office smells like burnt cat hair and the cat tree sticks out and I may have broken my little toe (again) this morning. Hopefully it's just strained.

I have archery tonight. I'm going to stand and shoot for 1.5 hours. The focus required necessarily means that everything else will leave my brain and I can have some peaceful time.

And then I don't know. Maybe write, probably veg out to video games and avoid my phone, Guitarist, and everything social.
 
Had Purr over this weekend, which was especially delightful after not seeing her last week. We had to have a fun poly sleeping arrangement discussion, though.

We just can't fit all three of us into a queen-sized bed when we're trying to sleep. It works for Purr, who is a huge sleep snuggler, but not for me (I gave woken up half way off the bed, only keeping myself on with a planted foot) and not for Guitarist (who has to sleep on his back because of his cpap).

There is no question that Purr needs to sleep in the bedroom. She's allergic to cats (irony!) and that's the one place the catboys aren't allowed. Guitarist doesn't get to see her as much because of his not-making-any-money thing, so I nominated myself to sleep on the couch. I was worried about hurting Purr's feelings, but she seemed to roll with it.

I slept so well in comparison. Everyone slept well. I woke up in a good mood and we all shared bed cuddles and other things in the morning. I think it worked out and all seemed to agree. So that's probably the new sleeping arrangement thing, except we might alternate who sleeps in the bed with Purr.

That's it for my poly life right now. Everything else is good. I'm even less-than-horribly depressed today! I get to see Purr tomorrow, archery Thursday, and then it's Friday again. Whee!
 
One of the things I love about my loves--I was horribly, disgustingly ill most of last week and frantically preparing for a writers' conference. Purr asked to come over Saturday night, and I said check with Guitarist, since I don't know when I'm getting home.

When I got home at about 7 pm Saturday night, Purr was over, but I had been socially "on" since 2 pm Friday and I needed introvert time. I said I needed some time to recharge and closed myself into my office, where I proceeded to just stare at the internet for a couple of hours.

And no one got offended.
 
I'm off to see Purr tonight. We've both been in downer moods thanks to winter+depression, so we'll see how it goes. It has to go well. Last week was a mess because I was sick, and the week before was canceled because of weather. If nothing else, I got to see her on Saturday, and we had a good time with lots of cuddles.

But I also had a very busy weekend and I'm still feeling at least a touch of social overload. Guitarist usually handles the brunt of these moods. I've basically been retreating to my cave and ignoring him for a couple of days. I'm glad he's an introvert too and seems perfectly content playing video games.

In good news, I'm so busy that I didn't think about Marian for three whole days. I think I'm recovering. I also haven't been drinking because I'm on a 'no purchasing alcohol' thing, and I'm eating healthier work lunches and less take out, so my weight keeps dropping. Only (yes this is tongue in cheek) 34 more pounds to get back down to where I was last summer. Why I let myself go so hard after I worked my ass off to get there, I'll never know, but I think the wave has crested, and that makes me feel good too.
 
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