Leaf on the Wind

I have some really serious cramping issues today that are utterly distracting me from work. And I hate taking drugs. So here I am, trying to decide whether to suffer through.

Drug pros, I'd be less miserable and get more work done right now.

Drug cons, I hate drugs and I have exercise class in an hour, and that always helps with the cramps. Also I hate taking drugs.

I think I'm just going to tough it out.
 
I woke up this morning on the grumpy side of the bed. I would say "for no reason," but the actual reasons include that there was a huge thunderstorm at about 2 am that woke me up as I was finally getting to sleep, and that I again had a stream of really vivid and bizarre dreams. I was already half-awake when my alarm went off, but that half-awake feeling has persisted into the day.

I'm supposed to work out at lunch again today. I'm still sore from yesterday and I managed to hurt my bum shoulder a little bit, but I still intend to go. I'll just have to be careful with the shoulder. I'm donating blood after work and then going over to Purr's house after that. At this point, it feels like a very long day to me, but I know most of that is from sleepiness and not having had my coffee yet. I also know I need to talk with Purr about her new possible interest, and that feeling of "having" to talk so that I can get things straight in my head instead of it just being a usual free-roaming night is dragging me down.

I wish this feeling of grumpy and discontent would just go away, so I can get back to my regularly scheduled spring-feeling-better.

I think the problem is that I've been too social lately, without enough recharge time. I've been pretty much going going going since the end of February. Maybe I need a staycation. Instead, I have Friday "off" and hopefully that will be enough to get me through until Monday, my next "off" day (this time without groceries!). I think I may entirely turn my phone off and unplug on Friday, with warning to the appropriate people of course, to maximize the aloneness and lack of social obligation.

April should be better. I intend to do Camp NaNoWriMo, which means I'm going to have a lot of dedicated writing time. I'd think that having a bunch of scheduled time, even if it was for writing, would grate on me, but I'd think wrong. This is purely an introvert thing, and writing time is me-time, so I tend to find it reinvigorating.
 
Kitten 2 is really fighting the whole bed time thing tonight. Grrr. Since the kittens and Purr usually co-sleep, that means she's tied up with trying to get them to sleep, while I'm loafing on the couch.

I got saddled with an extra project at work today because the person who does essentially the same job as me for my boss's colleague is a clown, not to put too fine a point on it. And a liar. I simply don't believe this is the only project the clown can switch out for work my boss.needs someone else to do out of ethical concerns. I'll put it this way: I "traded" him 1.5 days of work for 6-8 days of work because he'd supposedly done everything else of his boss's. Even though my boss has seen none of it. Even though the project he gave me is supposed to be done BEFORE all the other monthly projects.

I call bullshit. My theory was that he's behind, not doing his own job, and decided to saddle me with the most time-consuming thing he had on his plate.

Oh and it's due next Tuesday, this 6-8 day project. I'M TAKING FRIDAY OFF. It's just going to have to be fucking late.

At least my boss understands and agrees. But that puts the time crunch on the rest of my month. No way around that.

The Red Cross tried to get me to donate a double red today, since I'm a demanded blood type and they were very slow today (being in the weight requirements for this is one of the few benefits of being overweight!). I agreed to give it a try, even though last time I tried, I felt tired and unable to work out for almost a week after, because you could tell from the look on the nurse's face that they were down in donations.

They couldn't get my blood pressure high enough. So I was hooked up to the machine for thirty minutes while they were doing everything they could to try to get my vein to work without hurting me. In the end, they barely got one unit and had to let me go. And now I'm disqualified from donating as though I HAD given two red units--four months instead of two. Sadness.

Guitarist texted me to let me know the power was out today and he couldn't get his recording done. He's now completely out of money, so there's this extra pressure to get things done before he has to go back to work.

I'm not really sure what to tell him. I can't cover his half of the bills and groceries. We already shop at Aldi and I figured out our groceries are about $200 to $250 a month for two adults, with eating out of about $100 a month that I cover myself. The only thing I can see below that is cutting out all of my (already seriously reduced) social spending. And below that, a diet consisting more or less solely of beans and rice.

Which is what we're going to end up on if he can't pick up his end. Because even with no car payments (thank goodness both our cars are paid off) I simply have to pay too much in student loans to be able to cover everything.

I keep telling myself that he SHOULD be able to get something relatively quickly. Even something part time at minimum wage should cover most of what we need from him. But he isn't even looking yet (last I checked, it's taken 3 or so weeks for the first paycheck for any job I've had to come in), and that bothers me. And he knows that bothers me, so there's nothing else to do but wait and be stressed out, on my part.

Flame and I are back to a FW emotional B level of talking. I think he's presently hosting a couple from our mutual online game, though, so I think he's having fun. Which is good. He deserves all the fun he can have.

I'll update on Purr later. I'm kind of waiting to see how the talk goes tonight to get too stressed out about anything. I already have enough stress in other areas. Clearly.

Oh Purr is out now.
 
AutumnLeaves said:
The only thing I can see below that is cutting out all of my (already seriously reduced) social spending. And below that, a diet consisting more or less solely of beans and rice.

Which is what we're going to end up on if he can't pick up his end. Because even with no car payments (thank goodness both our cars are paid off) I simply have to pay too much in student loans to be able to cover everything.
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I don't know where your loans are sourced from, but if they're federal and you make below $100k per year (which I can assume or you wouldn't be talking rice and beans) you could look into Income-Based Repayment. They count your spouse as part of your household number but NOT part of your income if you do married filing separate (they do count as your income if you file together, I think, but again, if your combined is less than $100k you should still get some kind of break).

I do this and currently pay a VERY SMALL percentage of the $600-something I'd have to pay if I didn't do it. Yes, the interest adds up and so I'll be paying longer BUT I don't mind paying longer if it means getting by at a more tolerable standard of living the entire time. Plus they do forgiveness after 25 years if it does kick the can down the road that far—and they count all the years you've already been paying.

Seriously, IBR is one of the main things keeping me alive after earning two undergraduate degrees and one graduate degree as a child of poverty.
 
I'm on IBR. The problem is that the income the repayment is based off of is about $30k/year more than we're making presently. When I renew my IBR I'm going to indicate that even though our income tax return it shows Guitarist has income, it's incorrect because he's presently "unemployed" (I've done it before, it just requires filling out another form), but I'm stuck until it renews. I've spoken with my student loan company on the phone to see about trying to get it changed earlier, but the time frame they gave me made it basically pointless, because I'm due to renew in April anyway. Meanwhile, I could request a deferment. But because I work in public interest, and because of how fast the interest on $100k at 8% accumulates (right now, my payments are at least covering the interest), it would screw me twice. My base loan amount would increase and I'd be lengthening the amount of time before I can get loan forgiveness. I'd rather be temporarily eating cheap and stressed out than tacking time onto the horizon.

Anyway, thanks for the heads up. IBR was pretty comfortable when we were actually making the income the government thought we were making.
 
To take a brief break from work, I'll update on the Purr situation. I did clarify last night that her interest in Steampunk Party Guy is an actual interest instead of a maybe interest. I've decided to call him Quiet, because that's the main impression I have of him. If it's possible to be quiet while passionate on a topic, it's this guy.

I'm not struggling with jealousy at all, which is kind of a surprise because I've had twinges after being informed of more causal make-outs. I get the sense that Purr really cares for Quiet, in the way that people with a shared history who have grown apart can sometimes remember, and when I think of people likely to take advantage of Purr's good impulses, this guy is NOT that kind of guy. Which I know not because Purr tells me, but because I've met him and I'm usually a good judge of people.

It's so much easier for me to not feel threatened by him because I've met him. It didn't hurt that we have some very similar philosophies on relationships. I don't know if he wants to be poly permanently, but right now he and Purr are giving each other some much needed comfort.

And he lives in the area Purr is going to be living in shortly, giving her someone more local in case there are emergency problems.

One more thing. Purr has been really struggling with her faith lately. As an atheist, that's not really something I can help her with, even if I can resist my impulse to tell her that maybe the reason she's struggling with her belief in silly things is because they're not real (because I'm not THAT atheist and she takes comfort from her beliefs). Quiet is also having a faith crisis thing, and he's in a much better position to be able to support her in that way than I am.

In other news, I'm not freaking out so much about financials today. It helped that Guitarist bounced around last night updating me on his progress and being happy and excited. It's a lot easier for me to remember why I'm on board and supporting this when he's being happy. It's been a life goal of his to release a demo, and, so we're going to make that happen.

Even if we do have to go down to the rice-and-beans point. Which, as much as I worry about it, is not the reality right now. If nothing else, yard work and garden prep are on my to-do list for tomorrow, so there should at least be some carrots and tomatoes mixed in with the future rice and beans. And as Reverie's post reminded me, I WILL get my student loans adjusted. Maybe not until June, but that's not really so very far away.

And now... back to work.
 
Oh this weekend. It started on Friday, my "mental health day off," which was really a hung over day since I picked up a growler of imperial IPA on the way home, and that transitioned into the Canadian beer that was a gift from a friend.

Guitarist and I talked kinky all night, but it didn't end up going anywhere wonderful. Because I kept cramping, and my lack of enthusiasm really threw him off.

Cue itchy vagina the next day. I was hoping it was just a dryness issue after the drunk and extremely dehydrated sex of the night before. But the rowdy, kinky sex on Saturday left me even more itchy and seriously cramping. I mean "couldn't sleep Saturday night because I was so itchy" itchy.

Anyway, I went to my doctor today and I'm utterly not shocked that it's bv. It explains why my period was so wonky. I'm picking up my Flagyl on the way home, so hopefully I'll actually get some sleep tonight.
 
Today has been A Day and I think it's going to keep on like this.

The antibiotics hadn't kicked in enough by bed time to stop the infernal itching, so it was another uncomfortable, low-sleep night in the Leaves house. Every time Guitarist moved, I was awake for it, because I was just awake in general. It really sucked.

The antibiotics are also imparting a consistent low-grade nausea. There is very little worse than nausea, in terms of things I hate dealing with. Migraines are basically it, and I haven't had one of those in years.

Of course, I can't concentrate at work today and I still have a huge amount of things to do. And the thing on my desk right now is extremely depressing. Fuck my life.

Meanwhile, Kitten 1 is sick. He's running a low-grade fever and home with a persistent cough. That boy reminds me so much of myself as a child. He's home sick frequently with cough-related gunk, his coughing gets worse when he's physically active or excited, etc. Nevermind that he's clearly smart, affectionate, a rule-breaker, the weird kid at school, and so on. I'm worried he might have asthma or some other lung ailment. I know logically that I shouldn't worry this much about a kid that isn't mine, and that I'm not related to or responsible for, but it is what it is. Some kids I just bond with.

Anyway, the point is that I have the feeling that tonight at Purr's house is going to be taxing. I'm not sure I have normal levels of dealing-with-kittens energy in me, much less the levels necessary to deal with sick kittens. At least I'll get to see Purr! Silver linings to crappy days.

In other good news, every day brings Guitarist closer to finishing his demo. It's been a life goal of his, and he's practically thrumming with excitement lately. And every day brings Purr closer to moving out of Smith's house, which I think will be a positive change for her. So there are good things going on right now to balance out the things I bitch about ;)
 
It's amazing how much good sleep improves my mood. I didn't get as much quantity last night as I might have liked, but the quality was leaps and bounds better than it has been in the past few days. The itchy demon is now down to manageable levels.

What ended up happening with yesterday was my secretary showed up shortly after I ate lunch, took one look at me, and told me that she had the office covered and I should "go home." I went to Purr's house early instead and hung out with her, Sunshine, and the kittens, until Sunshine left to go home. I felt a little bad about intruding on "their" time, but since I cleared it first, I decided not to worry about it. Anyway, I'm fairly positive Sunshine likes me and enjoys talking to me (even if the few times I've met, I've been either drunk off my face or sick), so I think she actually hung out longer just to hang out.

The only time it got even a little awkward was when they both got a salty about Guitarist and his hermit-avoidant ways. My natural impulse is to defend him, but even though I'm pretty sure at this point that he and Purr are broken up, and those wounds are starting to be less fresh, I think not triangulating is still the best policy.

Anyway, sitting around while my girlfriend who is my husband's ex girlfriend talks about him to her good friend who has an unrequited crush on her and also for a while was an interest of my husband's. Life got a little complicated with poly.

The other thing on my mind lately is Quiet. He and Purr took Kitten 2 to the park on Monday. There are now adorable pictures on Facebook of him pushing Kitten 2 on the swings. And Kitten 1 is home sick from school again today, so Quiet is over there meeting him and helping Purr with adulting in a sickness house duties.

Maybe this is just the residual NRE thrumming up that connection, but I really like this guy. He isn't the usual asshole-type Purr is attracted to and tends to attract. Instead of demanding she ditch her kids to spend time with him, he's incorporating them into their time. That is a huge green flag in my opinion. How someone treats someone else's kids says a lot about their intentions toward that person.

I almost feel weird for liking him so much. There isn't any of the assholish tendencies of Smith or certain other partners and ex partners, and there isn't any of the serious "eeeeeh" feelings I had toward Hatter because of the unethical situation with his long-distance girlfriend (and it seems to me that Hatter has been avoiding Purr since he returned from his trip to see the ldgf in question, an action which speaks very loudly). Quiet very much seems on the level and like a truly nice guy, and not just in contrast. I really have my fingers crossed that he doesn't prove me wrong.
 
Things are fairly stable lately. There was no residual resentment from me canceling the family reunion at my house, which actually suprised me, with how my parents (and particularly my dad) are. I think either his counseling is helping or the recent spectacular fighting between him and my mom has helped him appreciate my need for harmony in my own marriage. Either way, it's a win.

Guitarist went to his mom's house for Easter and I went to my parents' house. I think our occasionally separate holidays is why the thought of possibly not having holidays with my other partners has never been important to me. I know that used to bother Marian.

As for Guitarist, he's mostly absorbed in his recording (he's vocal recording today, and I think mastering) and happy with his routines. Here is used to think that I am a creature of habit. He really takes it to extremes.

Purr is deep in the NRE with Quiet. To the point where sometimes I'm the one texting her first. Frankly, it's pretty awesome. Kind of like how it used to be when she and Hatter were starting their close friendship or whatever it was they were doing. I still get my night and she's still offering me weekends (even if I've been too busy for one) so I still feel loved and appreciated, just without the pressure of being the only one fulfilling her emotional needs. Which are really too much for me to be able to fulfill all by myself, if I'm being honest. She's definitely a person that I couldn't see functioning well without poly or a single partner with serious codependency traits. And I'm not that kind of person.

Anyway, now that my infection is clearing up, life is good. Just in time for me to disappear into Camp NaNoWriMo so I can work on my third manuscript!
 
While I've been catching up on my reading in other blogs. ...

Reverie said:
... for either of us, there is "no enough"—or, there IS, I guess, but it's so far offshore from most people's "enough" that it's way out over the horizon line so it looks to them like it doesn't exist.

We both have had in common that with past partners, we always had to hold back some, lest we smother them or gobble them up whole. We are both "made of love" and have so much to give and want so much in return that it can be overwhelming. It's one of the reasons that I, at least, wanted to try poly to begin with: I felt like all of that love would be more successfully distributed over multiple people than poured into one place and drowning one particular person.
Click to expand...

This is pretty much Purr to a T. And I do start to feel overwhelmed, though it's never been to the point where I've seriously resented it. Mostly because I think Purr is pretty aware of this quality in herself and showed restraint when I started to crack from the stress of it.

Kind of funny to think that I could crack from being shown so much affection and attention, but there it is. Socializing (even positive socializing with my loved ones) drains me, it doesn't recharge me.

Anyway, it's a lot more balanced now with someone else to get blasted by Purr's emotional energy. And I universally find that to be a good thing. She's happier, I'm happier, Quiet certainly seems happy from a distance, so it's all good.
 
AutumnLeaves said:
Mostly because I think Purr is pretty aware of this quality in herself and showed restraint when I started to crack from the stress of it.

Kind of funny to think that I could crack from being shown so much affection and attention, but there it is. Socializing (even positive socializing with my loved ones) drains me, it doesn't recharge me.
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It's weird for me; socializing in general drains me instead of recharging me, too, but I've always had a one- or two-person exemption from that draining process (usually Oona and my closest partner at any given time) wherein hanging out with that person and doing nonverbal stuff (like focusing on independent hobbies or face-in-laptop time) is nearly as good as total alone time, with the occasional drive-by kiss or caress or shared funny thing found on the internet being welcome. ACTIVE socializing, though—real interactive face-time—I do grow weary of, even with loved ones, and have to withdraw into blogs or books or something after a time.

I'm glad Purr found another outlet. That "showing restraint" stuff is honorable (I do it too) but it's taxing sometimes! :rolleyes:
 
You sound a lot like me in that way. I'm perfectly happy existing in the same space as Guitarist without getting drained. But when I'm with Purr, whether in person or on the phone, I'm trying to be fully engaged. Because we get less time, I like the quality to be higher. So even us-alone time is draining, as much as I love it and wouldn't trade it for anything. Meanwhile, Purr would be happiest spending 100% of her time with loved ones. She literally falls apart in isolation.

I tried to meet Purr met in the middle between Hatter falling off and Quiet picking up. She showed a lot of restraint, I tried to stretch to accommodate, and both of us were outside our comfort zones. I'm sure she felt my weariness probably to the same extent I felt overexerted, but the social energy mismatch is no one's fault exactly, and we love each other, so we made it work. Even though it really was not ideal for either of us.
 
AutumnLeaves said:
Meanwhile, Purr would be happiest spending 100% of her time with loved ones. She literally falls apart in isolation.
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This is just like Rider. He is absolutely the most extraverted person I have ever met. The moment he finds out he might have a free evening—an evening when I won't be around and he doesn't have plans with friends—he starts scrambling around to try to make plans and gets a little depressed if he can't make it happen. If it happens more than a couple of times within the span of a week, his overall well-being suffers and he starts to complain about feeling socially isolated. Meanwhile, I relish those evenings he goes out with friends and I get the house to myself...to the point of feeling a twinge of disappointment when I hear that key turning in the door after a few hours. :rolleyes: :p
 
Exactly. And what blows my mind most is that it's the complete opposite with Guitarist, who mostly just wants to be left alone as long as he can talk at me for anhour or so when I get home. It's like he doesn't even know what social isolation is (slight exaggeration, he does rush to greet me at the door and gets lonely when I'm gone on trips). I basically have to drag him to social events, even when I know he'll enjoy them.

I'm glad I'm in the middle. It makes it easier to love and maintain relationships with a variety of different people.
 
Oh and then Guitarist will do crazy things like tell me he's been reading about sex parties and wants to see what they're all about some time. To which I'm like. ... okay.

I mean, I'm demi and not looking for anyone new so they've never appealed to me. I get absolutely nothing out of casual sex. I'd go with him if he wants for morale support so he's not the cis het mostly vanilla hairy white guy creeping a sex party by himself, but I'd probably just feel weird.

I wanted to say IF THAT'S COVERTLY ASKING ME FIND A SEX PARTY TO TAKE YOU TO NO JUST NO. I put it more politely than that, though.
 
A wandering Purr appears

Reverie said:
This is just like Rider. He is absolutely the most extraverted person I have ever met. The moment he finds out he might have a free evening—an evening when I won't be around and he doesn't have plans with friends—he starts scrambling around to try to make plans and gets a little depressed if he can't make it happen. If it happens more than a couple of times within the span of a week, his overall well-being suffers and he starts to complain about feeling socially isolated.
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Yes, Reverie. What you have stated here and above regarding Rider. Exactly. Thank you for sharing as it lets me know I'm not the only "crazy levels of extroverted" person out there!!

And yes, this is absolutely one of the reasons I will never try to be monogamous again. It NEVER worked well for me anyway.

I do tend to sense when I start to be too much and try to reign it in/ distribute more appropriately. Sometimes it's not within my ability to shift things around in time to not burn out loves, but I try.

(Time to start actually writing up a "cast list" for my blog.)

<3
 
Work today is killing me. I didn't get enough sleep last night and I'm alone in the office so all I want to do is curl up under the desk but I have way too much to do. Things include:

  • grocery shopping after work
  • sexy times with Guitarist
  • take a nap
  • meet NaNoWriMo friend at IHOP for a midnight write-in to kick the April writing season off right
  • take tomorrow off work (actually I already have tomorrow off in case the, I put in some overtime to get my busy of last week done so I can afford the personal day)

NaNoFriend is very interesting. I'm extremely out as poly at my NaNo group (something about talking with one of the other women about her BDSM erotica series), so everyone there knows I have both a husband and girlfriend. So chilling with NaNoFriend one time in November, I learned that she was a third in a relationship for what sounds like a couple years before things went all to hell.

Making me wonder if ANYONE in geek communities are monogamous at all.

I'm seriously tempted to ask if she also used to go to industrial night at the "local" goth hangout in the 2000s, because that would be too weird. For a place that's a two-hour drive from Small City, a lot of sexually alternative people seem to have been there at around the same time (I figured out at one point that me, Purr, and Marian all went there at about the same era).

Meanwhile, my second period this month was short-lived and I'm glad I actively want to roll around in bed with someone. I've been feeling very asexual for too long here. I'd like to start enjoying the idea of having sex again. It IS spring and all.
 
Everything is still going good over here. Purr and Flame are somehow both happy at the same time, leaving me with plenty of time and emotional energy since they both need less of me for impromptu comforts. Which is good, because I'm dating a manuscript right now for two hours a night and extra on the weekends so that's my energy and motivation sink right now.

I had a conversation with Guitarist a few days ago, in which he wasn't sure he could still identify as polyamorous. Its like the married bisexual problem in a different way: YES you are still what you are even if you're in a relationship of one type or another. Orientations are not limited by present realities.

Anyway, I reassured him that he's welcome to start dating again whenever he feels like it. There isn't some estoppel clock ticking where poly is a thing he can lose through inaction. He repeatedly said that he doesn't want to be dating right now so I think it was more a,self-reassurance conversation than anything.

That's pretty much it. There's so much normal and happy in my life that I basically can't complain, and most of my plans for the week are "stay home and write."
 
Oh oh oh and poly NaNoFriend is a biromantic demisexual writing queer fiction, so Thursday was a BLAST and writing again on Friday should be good fun. There's something really nice about having shared languages with someone. Both of us kept saying at points "oh I guess I don't have to explain!" It was super nice.
 
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