Leaf on the Wind

I ended up having a full-on panic attack while driving home from work yesterday. I was pretty much unable to stop thinking about the possible bipolar disorder issue, which apparently got me all kinds of worked up, because it progressed into trouble breathing/chest pains/choking/dizziness. While operating my car in 4 pm traffic. Yeah, that was fun.

Increased anxiety is a possible side effect of my medication, so I'm going to bring that one up to my doctor at my follow-up appointment Friday morning. Occasional panic attacks aren't new to me, and there's a lot of stress in my life, but damn.

In some ways, I wish I hadn't gotten help. This upset to my usual equilibrium is really... upsetting. I'm trying to keep firmly in mind the end goal, which is for me to feel better.

But what, exactly, is feeling better? Would I trade suicidal depression for more anxiety attacks? While I'm sure that I can get to a better place eventually, with adjustments, thinking about it is just exhausting.

Hope I eventually find out what feeling better looks like. I'm not ready to throw up my hands yet.

Meanwhile, Guitarist was a very calming force in my life when I got home, and I eventually got settled down for the most part. I wasn't able to concentrate on my text-based game, so I settled on the couch with my jewelry making supplies and made myself a few new necklaces: a peach and brown one, and green and black one, and a grey and black one. I didn't sleep very well.

I'm heading to Purr's house tonight. At least this time the kids are on their school schedule and I can hopefully stay long enough to get some quality snuggling in. Tomorrow is grocery night and we're getting our dryer repaired (hooray, because hang-dying everything was zero fun), then it's Friday. I have a long weekend for Labor Day and I'm planning on doing some writing. I also have been invited to speak at a writers' association event and I want to nail down what I'm going to say for that.

Guitarist is seeing Spice on Sunday. I teased him about not coming to my parents' house for dinner before I forgot they're going to be up north. Ah well.

It's kind of crazy how easily their relationship has become a fixture in my life. I remember how freaked out and nervous I got when he started seeing Purr. It's hard to believe all that adjustment was under a year and a half ago. I have zero concerns and insecurity when it comes to Spice. The fact that she's married and it's not likely to turn into a huge cowboy drama thing like happened with Purr and Quiet is a relief.

I think that's the disruptive, stressful metamour relationship by which my next several metamour relationships will be measured. Trying to convince my NRE-sotted girlfriend to go mono with you? No? Then we're good.

I'm sure it doesn't hurt that I have so much of my own shit to worry about.
 
Had another anxiety issue last night. This one wasn't a full-on panic attack, but I was getting pretty worked up about it. The topic I was freaking out over?

That my medication seems to be making my anxiety worse. How meta.

Doing some reading on line, this is a fairly common side effect and a lot of people seem to get better over time as they adjust to the medication. Kind of like how I had nausea the first week, but that's completely gone now.

I have an 8:45 am appointment with my family doctor tomorrow. I figure my role is to tell my doctor what's going on and let her tell me whether she thinks that I should continue on this one, try something else, or wait for the psychiatrist to weigh in. There is no doubt that the medication is controlling my depression. But I'm not sure that panic attacks are a good trade.

I almost want to apologize for turning this from a poly processing blog into a mental health blog. But as Guitarist mentioned when I asked his opinion, my mental health has a pretty strong effect on my relationships, so it's at least a little related.
 
My visit with my doctor this morning went well. She's cutting me down to a half dose of my antidepressants. She also wants me to keep taking the anxiety medication (that I didn't want to take), but at a half dose, including if or when I have another panic attack. She doesn't think bipolar disorder is likely and that it's more likely I have comorbid depression and anxiety, given my family history, but she's supportive of me getting a psychiatric evaluation to help get things pinned down. I'm seeing her again next month. Or sooner, if things get worse instead of better.

In other news, it seems like Purr is really struggling right now. We texted some this morning and afternoon. I feel bad because I know I'm usually a main emotional support, but my own shit is so fucked up right now, I don't think she feels like she can lean on me.

In good news, exhub is taking the Kittens, so she'll get to spend time on Saturday with her couple. I know she has been looking forward to that. And then on Sunday, I think we're going to bake some bread. Literally. So that will hopefully be relaxing and carbalicious.

Irish invited me and Guitarist over tomorrow for some cudighi, if we were interested. I was loosely planning on going up to my parents' cabin tomorrow, since they're up there, but I'm going to table that as well. Cabin time is usually drinking time, and I'm not sure I have the mental fortitude not to drink up there, while I'm also sure that I absolutely don't want to drink right now. I think instead we're going to have an "introverts stay home" kind of day. I know I could use one.
 
The 1/2 dose of anti-anxiety medication to sleep was like some kind of magic. I didn't wake up in the middle of the night feeling "high." I didn't toss, turn, and worry from the hours of 3 am to 7 am. I just... slept for 7 hours.

I'm in such a good mood this morning I can't even.
 
Huzzah for proper dosages!

Sleep is a good, good thing.

Leetah
 
I am so glad to hear that it had a positive effect!
 
Well, the day started out good. I got more good sleep (hooray! and thanks for the congratulations, it really does feel like an accomplishment), and spent a couple of hours with Purr. It was mostly baking bread and having nice, quality snuggle time.

Purr had other plans for the later afternoon and evening, so I got home in time to spend some time with Guitarist before his date. Watched some TV, had a snack, fixed some of my nail polish. Gave him a kiss after he showered, wished him a good date, etc. I was planning on having some relaxing time with a video game while he's out of the house.

But then as I'm settling in at my computer, he comes back in and wants to know if he can use the house bank account card because he's going to need to put some gas in "his car and the lawn mower and buy some fuel stabilizer and just tell me how much he needed later."

Money. Anxiety level up to 4. I say I need some time to think about it, I don't want to talk about it right now and we can talk about it later. He gets huffy with me and says well how else are we going to do it?

My anxiety level goes up to 6. I say, I don't know, but last time the house account started getting used for fast food and things like that.

He says, this isn't like that.

I'm like, okay, well, we'll talk about it later.

He says, well I hope I have enough gas to get to and from my date, and he leaves.

Well, I hope he does too. But figuring out how he's going to get to and from his date minutes after he was supposedly leaving... why is this my responsibility. The date has been scheduled for days. I would have given him cash for putting gas in his car but he was already storming off. I Do Not Want the house bank account card getting used for shit like that, for unknown amounts of money being spent that I'm going to have to put back in there from my personal back account.

My anxiety level is at like 8. My skin is tingling and my chest is tight and I just want to run the fuck away. Financial shit stresses me out. I don't like last minute. I don't like feeling pressured. That is not what that account is for. It isn't for just pulling money out of. It is for paying bills and the mortgage, things we typically split, solely for convenience. It isn't for expenses like gas. I get actual flashback flashbacks to First Fiance abusing our first joint bank account for personal expenses. How am I supposed to phrase all this shit when he's already supposed to be out the door and I really did not want to have this fight with him right then?

So now, instead of nice relaxing alone time, I get to sit here anxious and stressing out for who knows how long about financial shit while wondering if I'm being completely unreasonable and whether he's going to end up stranded because of me.

^ After I wrote all that, I transferred $20 to the account from my account and texted him that it was in there so he didn't get stranded. He texted me back that "we'll discuss it all later but tldr is that you're right." I don't know what that means, but I'm pretty relieved that he doesn't think I'm a complete piece of shit. At least the venting here now means I'll maybe be more articulate about it when we talk later. Hopefully.

Okay. Time to take a shower and try to calm the fuck down.
 
Have showered and calmed the fuck down.

My need to feel 100% in control of my own personal finances Or Everything Will Burn Down is definitely something I'm going to need to talk about with my counselor. I'm sure it's anxiety-related. And it's not completely rational.

I don't think it's about the money itself. I've offered in the past to just straight up give Guitarist money while he's working from home and not bringing consistent money in. He said he doesn't want it because it would feel like an allowance. And I get that. I don't see how using the house bank account for personal expenses (that I would then have to cover subsequently) would be less of an allowance. And I wouldn't even call it that in the first place. It would just be money that I budgeted for his personal expenses that I put into his bank account and he's not responsible to me for. Everyone deserves to have some recreational money.

How it's different to me if he's just using the card as things come up is that it stops being something I'm doing voluntarily, something that is budgeted and allotted, and it starts being out of my control. Everything Burns Down in my brain. There's clearly some kind of different problem going on in my psyche.

Anyway, I'm back down to Anxiety Level 4. I'm not comfortable but I'm not on the edge of a panic attack. I'm going to see if I can concentrate enough to play a video game. If not, it's time for more Bates Motel + making jewelry.
 
I don't know why I'm in such a jewelry mood right now. It's not like I haven't done enough jewelry in my life.

This is the stuff I've made in the last week:

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And this is about 3/4 of my collection (minus the earring drawers and the 'necklaces I don't like as much' drawer):

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Last night ended up being pretty meh. I couldn't concentrate on my video games and instead made some more jewelry, a couple of necklaces and an earring set in orange-and-cream. Since I didn't have anything in that specific color yet, I figured why the hell not.

I was waiting for Guitarist to get home so that we could discuss financials, but I was getting more anxious and irritated about it as the night went on. When it got to be about 12:15 am and he hadn't texted me to let me know he was going to be home late, I realized I was really working myself up and just went to bed. He came in when he got home and cuddled me some, but I was pretty tired and grumpy and ambivalent, though I tried to make it clear it was me, not him.

We reconnected this morning and all is well. Financially speaking, I'm just going to give him some spending money when I get my paycheck in so that he doesn't have to ask me for gas money or incidentals money. It's a huge relief to me that he's agreed to doing things that way, because it'll take a lot of the anxiety out of it for me. And I think he'll ultimately be happier with it as well.

Purr is upstate at the lake last night and today, and I'm a little envious. Both of my lake visits this year have ended in disaster--with Guitarist, it was a thunderstorm, and with my college friends, tornadoes.

It's a nice sunny day outside. I'm feeling kind of meh. In a way... I'm glad that I can feel meh instead of SERIOUSLY DEPRESSED or entirely empty inside.
 
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I'm in the extremely busy, rough days at work part of the month. I ended up switching my Purr Tuesday to Wednesday this week, because I woke up from a sound sleep on Monday with period cramps and was tired, grumpy, and horrible. This ended up probably being for the best, since Purr spent all day with Sunshine and at one point had car troubles in another town and it sounds like overall it was a very stressful day. I'm not sure my period irritation could have handled it.

Last night was nice, though. We got to do some more cuddling. Purr is still struggling, but since I'm no longer buried in bleak, her struggles aren't overwhelming to me. She's also said she has noticed how much better I seem to feel.

Tonight is grocery shopping. I agreed to make food for having Spice and SpiceWife over on Friday before I scheduled my psych eval intake (which was the only one they had available for like 3 weeks). I still want to make the food. I just am feeling very overwhelmed right now.

Seriously worried about this psych eval intake. I'm feeling a lot better on the medication. It's kind of like... do I really need to know? But yes. Yes, I need to know. Hooray.

Saturday I have a bridal shower. Hopefully the last one in a long time, because this is my last unmarried cousin on my mom's side, which is the side I'm closer with. Sunday is D&D group. And then Monday I'm seeing my counselor and starting the week all over again. No wonder time flies.
 
The weekend just flew by. At least I got an unexpected introvert day on Sunday. I wish the reason wasn't intestinal illness, but hey, what can you do. I thought it might be just cheese overload + lactose intolerance, but consultation with Purr revealed that the kittens and Sunshine had all been sick with a mild intestinal thing. So I decided to cancel Deadlands rather than get everyone sick. We're rescheduled for the 24th.

Saturday's bridal shower was a typical bridal shower. The woman my cousin is marrying seems really nice. But there was this focus on "we plan on having kids right away because we're SO OLD."

Uh. My cousin is 31. His future wife is 32. That's plenty of time for starting a family, if they want to do that, in my opinion. It's not like they're pushing menopause, and fertility issues can happen at any age. I don't know why it bothered my so much three whole time but it did.

I had the start of a panic attack while driving home from Nearby City. The traffic was bad and there were these cloud-burst thunder storms that kept coming up and affecting visibility. I could feel my skin start to tingle and my throat start to get tight, but I mentally talked my way through it, and I didn't get the full-on dizziness. I had a lot of extra caffeine at the shower. I wonder if cutting that down would help.

From talking to my mom, it turns out one of my great aunts had a panic disorder and agoraphobia as well. Hooray for mental illness on both sides.

I'm seeing my counselor this afternoon. This will be the "family history" section and I'm not looking forward to it. The intake specialist on Friday seems to agree that bipolar II is likely from my symptoms and the way I reacted to the full dose of the anti-depressant. So I suspect that's eventually going to be the diagnosis and they're going to want to switch me to a mood stabilizer, instead.

We might have a fight on that. I'm feeling better, I'm sleeping, I'm neither manic nor depressed. The panic attacks are an issue. But I remember so very well the Medication Change Dance with First Fiancé and that freaks me right the fuck out. Because I'm functional right now. And I can't afford to be nonfunctional.

Anyway. My psych eval appointment is early in October, so we'll see.

Hanging out with Spice and SpiceWife on Friday was really fun. We played a couple of board games, one where you were trying to build dungeons to kill heroes and another where you were vampires trying to collect blood. I didn't win either game, sad face. We also just did a lot of sitting and talking. It's always Really Nice to talk to people who practice the same style of polyamory. There's a shared language there that's... nice. Yes. Lots of niceness.

Thing is... I think I knew Spice as a kid, before she transitioned. Not WELL, but I probably watched anime with her a couple of times because she was friends with a then-boyfriend. The number of local black programmers with her (common) surname who lived in Japan as part of an exchange program with Small City's community college is probably pretty small. I kind of want to ask. I also don't want to be rude. I'm not even sure what I would say. "I thought you were one of the coolest kids I met through Second Boyfriend and your coolness is one of the reasons I decided to study Japanese and eventually traveled to Japan myself" seems kind of awkwardly fan-girl.

I'm not going to ask over Facebook. Maybe I'll ask if she was friends with Second Boyfriend circa 2001 the next time we all get together, whenever that might be, if it happens at all. Anyway, it was fun.

And now my lunch hour is over and I'd best get back to work!
 
In very good news, counseling went extremely well yesterday. I love the way my doctor communicates, and how I feel like I can voice concerns to her and she takes them seriously. For instance, the concern about switching medications around, she took very seriously. And she doesn't patronize me at all, which was a slight problem with previous counseling.

She questioned me about why that was so concerning to me, and I explained how crazy things got when First Fiancé was switching his medications around. As I was explaining details of that, she walked me through how this situation is different. He was pulled off a medication that was working because of health issues beyond his control. We will only switch me if my medication is not working optimally and another is likely to work better.

Right now she has me down as persistent depression with agitated aspects and anxiety. But the psych eval will give us a better idea of what we are working with, and we do need to rule out or find out bipolar disorder because the medication I'm on right now doesn't help with bipolar, leaving me at risk of crashing. If I am bipolar, the decision to get help and following through with that (not the medication) might be why I'm feeling "normal" right now. She doesn't think I have any personality disorders, only issues with brain chemistry, which are easier because they can be treated effectively with medication. If we switch my medication, she'll be available to see me twice a week and be available by phone. Our primary concern is with keeping me functional. And as she pointed out, having panic attacks while driving is not functional.

Anyway. Yesterday was also the family history section. As we were walking through my home situation with Guitarist, I brought up Purr and that I also have a girlfriend who is very important to me. Her response was that she doesn't think that humans are naturally monogamous, but instead usually make a choice to behave that way, and that other choices can be healthy and valid.

Huge load off my mind. Though by that point I wasn't really suprised. The way we've spoken about everything else indicated to me that she wouldn't likely be phased by polyamory.

My alcohol issue was that I was crutching on alcohol to cope, not that she thinks I'm an alcoholic. Also good news because, while I really should stay away from alcohol while we're getting my medication sorted out, it's different than addictive behavior. I love wine and beer, guys. I wasn't looking forward to giving them up indefinitely.

So we scheduled weekly counseling sessions into November and I'm looking forward to working with her.

In other news, tomorrow is my anniversary with Purr. One year! =D I'm hoping that exhub will take the kittens this weekend so we can go to the Steampunk event on Saturday. I told my mom that I'd be available for dinner at 6 on Saturday, but the Steampunk thing isn't until 8 to start, so that should work. Especially if Purr wanted to get ready at my house before and have dinner with my parents again, but even if not, I'd still have enough time to pick her up or meet her there. I plan on talking possible scheduling with her on when I see her tonight.

Squee! Just thinking about it makes me happy.

Purr and I also talked recently about her eventual desire to find a male primary. I got the feeling she was sort of edging into it to see how I would react. I completely get it. She was very happy having a man around the house and a male role model for the boys. And she certainly deserves to be SOMEONE'S primary. While I don't really think of her and Guitarist in terms of primary and secondary, myself, because they are both very important to me, I'm very happy with my current level of entanglement with Guitarist. It precludes the level of entanglement with Purr that she would like to have with someone.

Not that I never get "I wish I could be more entangled with Purr" feelings. In a different world, I would totally move in with her and the boys, keep a house, raise the kids, and be domestic as fuck. I'd ride that relationship escalator all the way to the top. It's a nice little fantasy world that would in reality probably drive me crazy because living with kids. But I don't pine for it. I'm very happy with my life right now, and with my relationships.

Purr on the other hand pines for having a primary, and so I find myself wanting that for her. As long as they're poly friendly and not going to try to act the cowboy like Quiet did in the end, heh. But I doubt she'd make that mistake again and, even if she did, at least this time I have experience to fight the threatened-feeling demons with.
 
The week flew by, as weeks tend to do. I had a very productive 4 days at work, but today has just been blech. I can't focus enough to get anything done. I don't know why working on Fridays is even a thing. By this point of the week, I'm so burned out that it's pointless.

I also have more than half my work for next month done. I need to pace myself or I'm going to run out of things to do, and I HAVE to be here because my secretary is on vacation and someone has to answer the occasional phone call.

Poly things. Flame is still trying to get some mental health help. I'm very proud of him. But his situation with Roomie is just gross and I don't want to hear about it. She was in the hospital and he dropped everything to go see her, do things for her, get her home. He still wants a relationship. She still does not, but touches him in familiar ways. He's the architect of his own misery, there. Tells me about how he should set boundaries but then he'd have nothing instead of something.

I think that nothing would be better than half of an unfulfilling, unhealthy "something," but I can only tell him what I think. Which is that he's so used to being used by women and never standing up for himself that he is very bad at establishing boundaries, and he deserves better and to be treated better. I think he really doesn't think that he does deserve to be treated better, though.

We're talking about hiking with each other. Doing two separate hikes on the same time and same day and sending lots of texts and pictures back and forth. To me, that sounds very cute and fun. I hope we can follow through.

I booked the hotel for my anniversary trip with Guitarist. We're going to the same place (but a different hotel) and doing the same things we always do, minus the drinking on my part. I feel like the most boring couple in the world since we take the same vacation every year, but we both LIKE it and not having to plan a new vacation is substantially less stressful on me. I'm seriously looking forward to it.

I'm finally over shark week, so Guitarist and I got some sexy times in yesterday. It was very enjoyable, as always, but I've noticed some effect from the anti-depressants.

Normally I have hair-trigger orgasms. Getting off early and often has never been an issue for me. On the meds, everything still feels great, but orgasm is more difficult to attain. It's like I have to focus more or something. It's not necessarily a bad thing, since now I can have longer sex without everything getting post-coital sensitivity issues, and things still feel amazing and I enjoy the sex itself. But the down side is that distraction may mean I can't get the second and sometimes third orgasms I've historically been spoiled with.

Especially when my partner's umkempt bush is tickling me while I'm trying to concentrate. This is why I could never write romance novels or erotica: I'd have to include the "after" scenes, which in my experience usually includes puns, horribly nerdy jokes, lots of over-the-top self-congratulating, or last night's conversation about his hairy balls tickling my asshole in a non-pleasant and highly distracting manner. :rolleyes: The good news is that he's promised to give the problem area a trim.

This weekend will be action-packed. I've got an introvert night tonight, dinner with parents followed by steampunk event tomorrow, probable overnighting with Purr, writing group Sunday at noon, and an online game event Sunday night. It should be fun! Busy, but fun.
 
It was definitely a busy but fun weekend. The Steampunk thing was great. Purr arrived late, but we got in hours of adult couple time. I actually like the band that was playing and I got a couple of nice compliments on my costume! And then there was sleeping in the same bed and waking up together, which is always super nice.

Also I'm excited that Purr and Sunshine might be able to buy their current house. Purr was really stressing about it. It's a family homestead that she has wanted to keep in the family. Apparently they've been pre-approved for a mortgage and all that remains is convincing Purr's grandparents that it's a good idea. I'm so hopeful that it will work out for her.

Meanwhile, Guitarist went feral while I was gone. Apparently he played excessive quantities of a video game and stayed up all night. The dishes situation is ridiculous and I'm not fixing it this time.

We're also refinancing our house to a lower interest rate. If that goes through, it will reduce our payments to about $750/month and save us $25k over the life of the loan. I've wanted to do this for months but only just now have the energy to see it through. Thanks, anti-depressants!

Writing group was a bust. I basically sat around for 2 hours while my old group-mate's friend first failed to get up on time and then couldn't find her document to share. I eventually left to "make lunch," but the truth is that I was getting pissed off at the waste of time. It was seriously frustrating.

Meanwhile, I was updating my writing group friend on my depression issues and novel progress. He and his wife are pretty woo-tastic, so it was... interesting. I'll admit that his anti-medication and pro-woo stances may have contributed to my grouchy mood. Yes, I will be on medication the rest of my life if necessary. I'm already ON life-saving medication for my asthma. This is no different. My body is simply not working in a way that gives me a good quality of life. Whatever fixes it is what I'll do. "But have you tried a chiropractor, mine is amazing for my mood." I really had to suppress the urge to go all anti-pseudo-science on him, instead just saying that I'm glad it works for him.

My dad wants to go bow hunting this year. It sounds like he's going to give me his compound bow to get the cams and draw distance adjusted to me. I'm very excited about that, since I haven't been able to afford a bow yet. I'm hopeful that I'll be able to get back into shooting. I MAY even get some venison this year.

I've been texting with Flame this morning. It turns out we were both playing characters on the same side of the video game event last night and we got to share some squee about how amazing that was. He really brightened an otherwise drab Monday morning at work.

Plans for the week: busy. Dinner and grocery shopping tonight with Guitarist, I'm seeing Purr tomorrow and he's seeing Spice, counseling on Wednesday, Thursday is my "me" day, and then it's next weekend again. Whee!
 
Grocery night got canceled because as we were pulling into the pre-grocery restaurant, my sister called to let me know that my dad had taken my mom to the ER. At 10:30 that morning. This was at 5 pm.

She found out through mom's employee when she picked my niece up from day care. Because my dad, who had left my mom in the ER because he had to clean the gutters, had called no one.

I was slightly pissed off.

He called around 5:30 because my sister called and chewed him out.

So we ended up visiting my mom at the hospital last night instead of grocery shopping. She didn't have a heart attack but she was having chest pains and feeling wrong, so she went in. Her BP is crazy high. It was 155/95 when we were visiting and went up to 183/103 later last night.

She's having a stress test done literally right now. I didn't sleep. I can't concentrate on work. I'm basically a hot mess. My bio grandpa died of a heart attack in his early 50s, when my mom was in her early 30s. My mom is mid-fifties, drinks, smokes pot, and caffeinates like a fiend. She "only" had 8 beers on Sunday, which was a light drinking day for her. I'm pretty worried.

I feel like I just can't catch a break lately.
 
Good news, her heart seems fine. Bad news, she failed the stress test and they're keeping her another night and doing more tests tomorrow. Uuuuuuuuugh.
 
More testing this morning. I'm glad I got so far ahead at work last week because things I'm bad at right now include sleeping and working.

I have counseling tonight. If my mom has to stay in the hospital, I'm dropping my tablet off to her with my novel on it before counseling so she has something else to read besides her bible study stuff. Maybe. She's the kind of woman who has called me to ask me "where on her computer the Internet is" so the tablet idea might not work.

I hope we don't have to see.
 
My mom is getting discharged from the hospital. There's nothing wrong with her heart. She's got new meds and needs to start taking better care of herself. I'm utterly exhausted from worry+not sleeping and hoping that I'm actually going to get some sleep tonight.

Tonight was going to be backup grocery night or doing book fair with Purr night, but I just can't. I'm going home and recharging. Tomorrow night, no plans. Probably doing some more recharging.

I'm volunteering at a run early Saturday morning and have promised to do video-game playing with Guitarist some time this weekend, probably Sunday.
 
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