Leaf on the Wind

Thank you. She's doing a lot better. At least my mom is the kind of person who will treat this as a wake-up call instead of just ignoring it until something even worse happens.

I have a serious issue right now with Purr, but not I'm sure where to even start with it. I don't think I'll be able to concentrate at work so I'll probably blog a little more about it later today.
 
Oh, wow! I'm glad your mom is ok! Even better that she'll consider it a wake up call. Scary :/ I'm sorry there are Purr issues. You definitely deserve a break. ((Hugs))
 
I know, right? No rest for the living.

My issue with Purr is that she's decided to resume a relationship with Quiet. The way I found out about this is that she told me that she went camping with him last weekend, got very drunk, had sex, and have decided to start doing a "casual" thing.

How this is problematic, let me count the ways.

She had a good relationship with him for a month, and then a highly tumultuous relationship for months that left her mentally and emotionally unstable. There is no indication that anything has changed, but she wants to jump back on that train? We talked about how he made her less stable. We talked about how uncomfortablehis cowboy ways made me.

For the sake of my own mental health, I can't do this ride again. Purr is a floppy hinge, and her relationship with Quiet constantly bled over into my relationship with her. It made it very difficult for me to deal with jealousy and insecurity. And that was before the WAY this relationship resumed:

She texted me that she'd be camping over the weekend and would be out of communication. She didn't say it would be with him, though I know they are still friends and do paintball together. I asked her why she didn't tell me before hand that she would be camping with him, and she said she wanted to tell me in person.

I think that that is a cop out. I think she didn't want to tell me because she wanted to do what she wanted to do and didn't want me to voice my objections and have an opportunity to talk her out of it. It feels very much like First Fiance, take two: concealing the truth from me "for my own good." When in actuality, it's because of the perception that it's easier to ask forgiveness than permission. I feel like the whole set up was inherently dishonest.

It also tells me that this was not just a "we got drunk and fucked" thing. She must have been considering it a while. But we never had a single discussion about it. This feels like guilty concealment.

For me, polyamory is about honesty and open communication. How am I supposed to have a relationship with someone I don't trust, and who doesn't tell me things out of fear of how I'll react?

Even if she is being completely honest, I feel betrayed and I've lost my trust. I can tell because it's very hard to give her the benefit of the doubt, and benefit of the doubt is normally my default mode. It has to be. My anxiety latches on the cracks and widens them and makes me miserable.

The worst part though is that her way of restarting this relationship just confirms something that's been at the back of my mind for a long time. Because she straight-up said that she's being stupid and selfish and that she has no expectations this with him will work out in the long run. She said that she didn't text me because she knew it would hurt me and wanted to deal with it in person. She knows all this (especially that it would hurt me!) and went ahead and did it anyway.

That just does not feel like loving behavior to me. It doesn't feel like she is giving the kind of weight to my feelings that I expect from someone I've been dating a year. It confirms to me that I think our relationship is one thing (I take it seriously enough that I was factoring her in when I was planning on moving, for fuck sake) and she views it in another way (she knew this would hurt me, but did it anyway).

I made her a card for our anniversary. She made me nothing. We went out for our anniversary and she invited a friend along. Maybe these should have been my signs.

Maybe I've been blind because I didn't want to see.

And now that my trust is broken, I find myself questioning so much more. She knows I've wanted more adult time, but except for the anniversary steampunk party that I pushed very hard for, she hasn't offered any weekend time. If I invite her to something, she never can plan anything with me; but she also doesn't call me up when she finds unexpected free time. I could have been free this weekend, but instead she decided to go camping with Quiet. And this isn't the first time this has happened.

We have talked about it before twice. Each time, it resulted in exactly one weekend date. And if I want to have my needs heard and taken seriously, I feel that I'd have to have another big fight about it. I'm not a big fights person. I do not do nagging. I'm not going to have this talk for a third time. I don't feel like I'm a priority and I'm not going to fight to be one.

She always says such nice words. But the actions keep on not backing them up.

I decided last night to sleep on it, to make sure that I'm not just being shocked and dramatic, but the more I think about it, the more convinced I am that we have fundamentally different views about our relationship. I don't feel depressed and angry, just very hurt and sad. I love her. I thought our relationship was something more than it is. I'm pretty sure I thought wrong.

I absolutely could have a conversation with her about all this, try to clear it up, rebuild trust. If this was the first time, the only thing, if there was only one thing to clear up, I think I would. But I want us to be something we aren't. I want love and commitment and consideration, not "I knew it would hurt you but did it anyway." I deserve better than that.
 
I broke up with Purr. After thinking about it all night, this morning, and afternoon, it was the right thing to do. I'm exhausted and on edge and anxious and very sad and hurt and angry and feeling like a horrible person with very low worth, all at the same time. I have a horrible numb feeling. But at the same time, I know that this was the right thing for me. I'm sure she didn't intend to hurt me this badly but that doesn't change that I am hurt and not able to trust her.

My counseling session became devoted to Purr processing. I wanted to make sure that I am not doom-spiral irrational right now. The good (???) news was that all my reasoning, concerns, and feelings are rational. And not the product of depression or anxiety. Of course, my doctor is biased toward my view, because she only knows my side, but she is very no nonsense about pointing out when I'm not being rational. And the reassurance was nice.

Because the panic attacks have been a very real thing last night and today.

My brain is also playing the what if game. What if I had done X, Y, or Z, would things have gone differently. What else could I have done to be enough, to make sure enough needs were met, where Purr would have felt comfortable at least communicating with me before hand, or saying in the moment stop, I need to talk about this with Autumn before we do this because I know it will hurt her. What if I was more mentally healthy right now, would I be able to get past this and work on it. Even though I know I am not responsible for her decisions and actions. And I'm doing what I can about my mental health. Logic has no place in these feelings.

At the same time, I feel immense guilt. I feel like I should have been more willing to work through this. I shouldn't be allowed to feel this bad because I'm the one that ended the relationship. My reasons don't matter. I have broken it. Never mind that I know that if I continued, right now, my mistrust and anger would deepen to resentment and bitterness and hatred and I don't want to hate Purr. Where's my sense of commitment? But where was her sense of commitment, compassion? And can you even put things like that on a scale and say this is more than that and so it's okay?

I don't think that even makes sense. I'm not making much sense right now.

I need to grieve. But I also can't take as much time to do that as I want, because I don't want the kittens to feel abandoned, I don't want to be another person who just disappears from their life. My counselor gave me homework to work on what I want to do there with that, what maintaining a relationship with the kittens would look like, and whether I honestly think I can handle it without being miserable, or if I need to work on a plan to say a healthy goodbye. I'm not up to thinking about it right now.

I guess I'll go back to the only thing my mind is up to. Mindlessly staring at netflix while my thoughts run in circles.
 
I'm sorry, Autumn :( For what it's worth, I, too, think all your reasoning was rational and fair. But knowing something's right doesn't make it any less painful. ((Hugs))
 
I'm so sorry :( I think you did the right thing in stepping away from a relationship that wasn't making you feel like your needs were being considered.

AutumnLeaves said:
At the same time, I feel immense guilt. I feel like I should have been more willing to work through this. I shouldn't be allowed to feel this bad because I'm the one that ended the relationship. My reasons don't matter. I have broken it. Never mind that I know that if I continued, right now, my mistrust and anger would deepen to resentment and bitterness and hatred and I don't want to hate Purr. Where's my sense of commitment? But where was her sense of commitment, compassion? And can you even put things like that on a scale and say this is more than that and so it's okay?

I don't think that even makes sense. I'm not making much sense right now.
Click to expand...

Makes perfect sense to me... I am struggling with a lot of the same feelings. (((Hugs)))
 
Thanks, guys. As much as this sucks, I know it was the right decision. But knowing that I'm not crazy helps.

This part, the right now part, really sucks. It's the death of the dreams and possibilities I had for our relationship. But I think they were based on a relationship that I thought we had but that we did not actually have. So it is better in the long run that they die, so that I can get over them and move on from this.

As hurt and angry as I am with Purr because of her decision to do what she did, she is a good person. Or I wouldn't have loved her in the first place. Part of why this is so shitty is that I do still love her. And I hope that when I'm less hurt and angry, we can be friends. I can't deal with her impulsive decision to basically engage in self-harm (and harming of me!), and I can't trust her to consider, value, and prioritize my needs and feelings the way I need them to be valued for us to have a long-term relationship. But that isn't a moral judgement on her as a person. It's a mismatch between us.

Today is an anger day, off and on, though. I'm so very angry at everyone and everything. How could she do that, didn't I mean anything to her, etc. There were lots of other factors at play. But I felt like we were just getting back to a good place, where I wasn't depressed all the time and was so optimistic. Why did this have to happen now.

Maybe that was part of the problem: I was no longer the one in crisis, and therefore I didn't warrant as much consideration.

But I don't want to be in crisis all the time. That's not who I am or who I want to be. And if that's what our relationship had to be for me to get the consideration I need, then it's not a good relationship fit for me.

I can recognize all that and it STILL SUCKS HORRIBLY ALSO FUCK YOU EMOTIONS.

I apologized to Guitarist last night for my life being a rolling series of dramas. He said that he doesn't feel that way, so at least that's something. He said that it seems like I'm working on getting things back on track and that there was a period that he was worried about me, but it was before I decided to seek help for my depression.

Flame is providing a distraction for me today at work, which I'm so grateful I'm far ahead on. My Flame Trip Savings Account grows at a slow but steady rate of $20/paycheck. My target right now is January. No idea how the northwest coast is in January, but it has to be better than the midwest. Shit, I drove once in March through blizzards to visit him in Minnesota, it can't be worse than that.

Spice and Spicewife are having a naked party on Saturday and Guitarist is going. He kind of invited me to go with him, which led to a talk about triangulation and party invitations. I said that if THEY had invited me (or specifically said to him that he could/should invite me) I would consider going, but I didn't want the invitation to come through him because it makes it difficult to tell whether I would be unwittingly imposing on something Spice may have intended as a "them" thing. I know the party itself came up when we had them over, but I couldn't remember if they explicitly extended an invitation to me. He admitted that he wanted to go alone, anyway, and was mostly inviting me so that I wouldn't feel left out. I assured him that I didn't feel left out that he was going to a party without me. I asked if he felt left out when I did things without him and he said not really. And he reflected that it made sense that I, too, would not feel left out if he goes to a party "alone." It was a good conversation.

That was before this thing with Purr. Now, I'm glad I didn't agree to go because he's going to be out of the house so I can lick my wounds in silence.
 
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I'm so sorry for your breakup. Having just gone through a pretty rough one emotionally myself, I promise it will get better with time. I am glad you will have space to yourself to feel all the things - I tried to just immerse myself in the sadness and that helped me move forward. I don't know, sometimes wallowing helps. It definitely sucks to discover someone you thought was long term isn't. ((((Hugs))))
 
Sometimes, wallowing does help.

Yesterday when I got home from work, Guitarist and I had some sexy time went out for pizza at my second favorite pizza place (the favorite one is an hour and fifteen minutes away so just nooooo), and then we got frozen yogurt. I didn't feel normal, but I felt less unloveable and disconnected.

A couple of interesting contrasts over my last breakup do exist. I'm still going through all my usual emotions (angry, SAD, angry, hurt, SAD, feeling unloveable and undeserving of love), but I'm not doom spiraling. I haven't spent a whole day in bed crying and writing horrible poetry. I'm not drinking and I haven't had the desire to drink at all. Binging on pizza and frozen yogurt is probably not healthy either but you know what... sometimes a woman just needs pizza.

When I start to dwell on things, I try to counter them with facts. I am loved. It's okay to be very sad. Purr is not a bad person. I am not a bad person. We simply don't match in terms of relationship expectations. In the long run, this is better. I'll be less frustrated and I will get over the hits to my self-esteem.

It just seems to be a day to day, almost moment to moment sort of thing. This morning I feel fine. I got a good night's sleep, had a shower, and my dog is adorable. I'm not looking forward to the long day at work where I'll have little to do but dwell on the good times in our relationship and play the little "never again" loop in my head.

Today is Friday. Guitarist has promised me more 'feel better' sex when I get home. Tomorrow is Saturday. Sunday is my Deadlands group. I have a wedding anniversary trip next weekend in northern Michigan in my favorite vacation spot. I will probably be able to afford to fly out to see Flame in January. It will get better.
 
It will get better...everything is temporary in one way or another. ((Hugs)) Autumn. You sound so much better than a few weeks ago, despite the breakup. I hope you have a weekend full of serenity and healing :)
 
Even life is temporary. Life is temporary and short, too short to spend on regrets.

I FEEL a lot better than I did a few weeks ago, despite the breakup. Nothing screams at me that my depression has largely been a brain chemistry issue as much as the fact that my life felt less doom-spiraly for no reason after I started medication. And counseling is helping me shed light on some of my other issues, namely how I drive myself crazier worrying about things that may not come to pass (and don't worry about things that I couldn't see coming, like this!).

I had zero panic attacks yesterday. I also had really mediocre sex last night with Guitarist. I couldn't seem to find the right sensation until he was both penetrating me and I was touching myself, except just as I was about to get off, my forearm cramped and I had to abruptly switch hands. We very rarely have bad sex, but that was pretty meh.

The point was to have some good sex so that I could sleep well. But then last night I had some really upsetting, vivid dreams. One of them was that I was living in my grandmother's house in Florida without necessary asthma medications and also some kids up the block were being abused and one was hiding in our house but we couldn't find her. When the cat harness we ordered came so that we could let one of the cats outside on a leash, the neighbor's pony stepped on him. We eventually found the girl and went through a portal into another world, a medieval setting where there was a war going on and a lot of people were dying, and when we came back through in a panic I wanted comfort and sex, but Guitarist was too busy sexting Spicewife (yeah this totally makes sense except not). So I tried to masturbate but I couldn't get off, because I wasn't actually touching myself in my sleep.

When I woke up I cuddled the shit out of Guitarist.

I'm getting a cold. Probably explains the body weirdness. Last night I had a sore throat, and this morning I'm gallons of stuffy head grossness. Hooray.

Today is a relaxation day. I'm doing some writing stuff, probably playing some Cataclysm DDA, and probably playing another game later this evening. There is some house stuff I want to get done but I'm giving myself permission to not.

We're supposed to be gaming tomorrow. I hope my disclosure of having a cold doesn't mean we'll cancel, because it will be our last session until December unless we can get a second one in this month. November weekends are devoted to NaNo.
 
Ugh this cold. I slept like shit because of random choking on mucus moments and having to wake up frequently to spit or throw up.

Guitarist ended up spending the night at Spice's house. I went to bed at 10 pm so I missed his texts that he was too drunk to come home, but they quieted the worry when I woke up and realized he wasn't here. The only thing that worries me now is that he might say he doesn't want to come to gaming, which will piss me off. I'm trying to take my counselor's advice and not drive myself crazy about things that haven't yet passed. This shit is hard.

I wish I could say that my 'home alone' night provided some relax and refresh time, but the whole being sick thing really cut the legs out from under that. I was too exhausted to properly wallow and let myself cry. A lot of the anger has been replaced by sadness though. I'm sad that things didn't work out between me and Purr. But I'm also trying to remind myself that I've also learned some lessons about myself and what I expect from my relationships going forward.
 
So Guitarist got home from his naked party, which apparently turned into a sex party later in the night. I'm glad he had a good time. But some of the details. So many Feelings.

Apparently a woman was all over him and they were making out and she wanted to have sex with him. He turned her down because of our agreement where we will talk first before doing sex with other people. That's what's supposed to happen, right? That's not supposed to touch all my insecurity buttons. Oh, but it did.

At least drunk Guitarist didn't do self-destructive having sex with someone and telling me about it later, wheeeeee.

And also Spicewife expressed an interest in a three-way. From his tone, I gathered there's a mutual interest there. That's less bothersome to me, actually, because I know Spicewife and she's cool. Though I told him I'd need a little bit to process before getting back to him. I mostly need reassurance on the barriers/testing points, though I don't think overall it's likely to add much risk, since Spicewife and Spice are already partners and all that, so I'm likely already getting any risk of exposure through Spice/Guitarist.

He said that he felt the need to tell me in the interests of full disclosure, because he would've felt like he was hiding things if he didn't mention them. I'm glad he told me, even if it did result in all kinds of Feelings.

Initially I wasn't really sure why I was feeling bad, and I didn't want to be touched, which I could tell put Guitarist off a little. I just wanted to curl up by myself on the couch with the depressy feeling in the middle of my chest. But that would have been counterproductive, so I went in and cuddled with Guitarist instead. When I was able to find and express the source of my feelings, which came mostly from a place of insecurity, and get pets and reassurances, I felt a lot better.

I think the problem is that I'm feeling less than attractive lately. Something about not having sex with Purr for months before we broke up, not even any serious making out, feeling kind of like it was unwelcome when I tried to initiate, etc etc etc. And so the sex-party stuff really played on the insecurities regarding my personal attractiveness and sexiness areas. Guitarist pointed out that we had some very good sex on Thursday, and that the Friday sex was good for him (even if it was pretty meh for me), and that he wasn't planning on leaving me to become a sex maniac.

I don't know how much of this is feelings around my breakup with Purr bleeding over, and how much is just getting used to Guitarist dating around.

He said he didn't have to go to these kinds of parties in the future if it bothers me. That's the exact opposite of what I want. I like him going out and having fun and I don't want to artificially limit the extent of his fun just because certain areas are touchy to me right now. The knowledge that he's out there, having fun, being Guitarist, actively makes me happy. And I don't want him to feel like there are things he can't tell me, though I've told him I don't want the details of sex stuff, which he's been very good about glossing over sufficiently.

I was feeling a lot better after we cuddled and talked. As long as he's willing to cuddle me afterward and deal with my little blobs of insecurity, we're good.
 
... and then I end up canceling gaming because I'm too sick to function, lololol sob.

Seriously, though, I can't even nap without half choking to death on my own snot.
 
Still sick as anything. I had my evaluation for bipolar disorder this morning and the psychiatrist thinks that I am bipolar II, though my screening is rather borderline for it.

The good news (?) is that it's not treated significantly differently than persistent depression with anxiety or agitated aspects. So I'll be continuing my antidepressants, but discontinuing the Xanax to sleep and going on a longer-release anti-anxiety/anti-epileptic drug. And we'll see if that reduces the panic attacks and sleeplessness. She also thinks based on my reactions to past and current medications at full dose that I'm likely a poor metabolizer, meaning that smaller doses of medication affect me greater than most people, so we are starting my dosages low and going slow with any changes.

I'm not happy with this diagnosis, but I'm less worried about it than I was initially. It doesn't define me as a person. If it helps my doctors formulate a better treatment so that I feel better, that's a good thing. I want to feel better.

In poly life, Guitarist and I have had another, more extensive talk about casual sex following his sex party experience. He made some comment about wondering what an acceptable level of emotional entanglement would be for me to be comfortable with him having sex with someone else, and whether he's even emotionally entangled enough with Spice by my estimation (presumably for me to feel comfortableabout them having sex? Since I am comfortable, doesn't that answer that?).

It's not quite about a requisite emotional entanglement. I wanted him to know that my discomfort with him having casual sex isn't just some arbitrary feeling, but that it has some concrete reasons to it. Spice is his girlfriend and is responsible to him regarding her other partners and testing. But would Spicewife be to the same extent? What if she has new partners, but is pre-testing? And Spicewife is MORE acceptable to me as a risk because she is already having unbarriered sex with Spice than random party make-out girl would have been.

Do I trust someone with no emotional responsibility to Guitarist to be as honest and responsible to him as someone with whom he has a dating relationship? No, I do not. I don't feel like that's unreasonable.

Mostly, my discomfort arises because STD risk freaks me out. I have an acceptable (to me) level of risk where Guitarist uses barriers and his partners have a finite number of partners, but casual sex and sex with people that do casual sex with others opens the number of possible exposure routes way up. I'm not okay with that, even with barriers, because shit happens.

Which I also noted wasn't me telling him that he can't do what he wants. His response was that of course he doesn't want to do something that will bother me. Yeah, well, that's kind of how this works. Or at least how it should work, in my opinion (the end of my relationship with Purr notwithstanding). That's why I told him that it bothers me, so that he could take that into account when making a decision about what he wants to do. The decision is ultimately his, though. I'm not going to tell him he CAN'T do casual sex or have a casual three-way with Spice and Spicewife. I just hope if he does, that he does it responsibly, and knows that depending on the situation, I wouldn't be comfortable having unbarriered sex with him afterward until time had passed and he got tested.

Not that he's decided he wants to do the proposed three-way, regardless. I don't think he's made up his mind on it. I just wanted to have this conversation before he did.
 
Reverie said:
2. The invisibility button. I detest the idea of just being an abstract concept to people Rider might get with, and for those people to be a total mystery to me. Kind of like how it's supposed to help kidnapped people stay safe if they can be "humanized" to their abductor, I feel like a person is much less likely to do something "against" me if I am more than just abstract-concept "partner," and if they can see the real love Rider and I have between us. And on the opposite side, if I can see how real another woman is, get a sense of her, however brief, then she ceases to be a bogeyman and becomes a real person to me that I share at least one thing in common with.
Click to expand...

So as not to clutter up Reverie's blog, I'm going to just react to this here (back!), but this is also a very big deal to me, and I'm sure it also plays a part in why Spicewife is less threatening to me as someone who might have casual sex with Guitarist (if we can nail down a barriers/testing agreement).

I've met her. She's been to my house. We have all talked poly and poly-styles together. I have a firm idea of who Spicewife is. She isn't the faceless boogeyman that Party Makeout Girl or Possible Future Casual Sex Person is. I have had the opportunity to get a read on her, and she seems like a good, honest person.

The only time I've had a "meh" read off of someone, it was Quiet. And in the middle and end, he did not respect my place in Purr's life, though she was the one responsible for that last decision and betrayal of my trust.

I'm not saying that I have to meet EVERYONE that Guitarist dates, or have to meet them before he sleeps with them, but I'm a lot more comfortable when I know them.
 
Waiting at my doctor's office for my physical. Usually the 72 hours no PIV requirement before-hand grates on me, but thanks to this horrible cold, it hasn't really bothered me this time. I can't say the same for Guitarist. He was all over my boobs today, and did a "sex?" inquiry an hour before I had to leave.

I'm siiiiick and I have a time limit, no I didn't want to do sex. Poor Guitarist.

Our anniversary vacation starts tomorrow. And I'm still grossly sick. We're supposed to have a bunch of hot hotel sex and I'm worried that I'm not going to be into it at all. I am going to be amazingly, super sad if that's the case.

Today, my sinuses are more stuffed up than draining. Which means that I have a headache.

But no panic attacks today! I haven't even had that pre-panic massive anxiety feeling. I've been poking my anxious places like you poke a sore in your mouth with your tongue, and I can think about anxiety-provoking stuff (like the prospect of talking with Purr soon to resolve things with seeing the boys) without spiraling out of control. Which I need to talk with my counselor about tonight.
 
Well, I got to explore some hard questions at counseling today about the Kittens and whether maintaining a relationship with them would be healthy for them and me. We talked over several options.

Option 1. Being a somewhat continuous presence in their lives.

This is what I initially thought would be a good idea. However, my counselor brought up a lot of questions. How would this be arranged? Would Purr be present? Am I committed enough to do it on a regular basis? For how long? What if I eventually need to move for work, etc, anyway, am I going to take my continued relationship with the kids into account? What if Purr decides she no longer wants me to have anything to do with this kids? What if something happens to Purr, and Exhub decides that he doesn't want me to do anything with the kids?

This would essentially be strengthening and deepening an uncertain bond with them. I am not a parent. I have no legal rights. Unless the contact is regular (and not even my once a week is what she'd consider regular enough to make an impact at their age, pointing out that how many of my babysitters' names or parents' friends do I remember even when they were regular) it isn't going to be impactful to them. And am I willing to commit to doing this for 15+ years? Otherwise, it mostly has the potential to add a future element of uncertainty and instability into their lives.

And how exactly would this be accomplished in the logistics sense? Would I be going to Purr's house? I am not emotionally ready to go to Purr's house. I'm still very hurt and angry, and that has the potential to be translated to the kids. I'm also not ready to see Purr in any qualitative or quantitative sense. If I feel 'forced' to see the kittens at Purr's house, I'm going to drag out my own hurt and quite possibly end up feeling resentful. I'd like the possibility of becoming friends again with Purr in the future, and resentment would be a death sentence to that. Would we be meeting at a neutral location like a park? It's almost winter, how would that work?

So while this is a great idea in theory, in practice it is probably going to be more emotionally harmful to them AND me. And the longer I'm gone before I reintroduce myself, the more confusion I add.

Option 2. Say a goodbye.

While this would be a good option for older children, the Kittens are too young for this to make much sense. I would probably get emotional, and that would be more traumatic for them than not doing anything at all.

And then there's the 'how to respond to why' issue. No matter what I could say, Kitten 2 is too young to understand and Kitten 1 will reframe it to be about him.

Option 3. Just ghost.

Hardest on me in the short term. Probably less traumatic for the kids than saying a goodbye.

Basically, my counselor thinks that kids are more resilient than I give them credit for, and I'm assigning them adult cognition and values that they do not have at their ages. While I'm strongly bonded to them, they are not as strongly bonded to me. They are more likely to miss me in the sense that I represent fun times and happiness than they are to miss me as a person.

That's a hard thing for me to hear. It's probably also true.

Then there's that I feel guilty that I told Purr that if we broke up I'd want to maintain a relationship with the kids, and in essence, I feel like I'd be reneging on that agreement. More real talk: We make a lot of promises to each other during relationships that, when we break up, go unfulfilled. That was also a promise between me and Purr and was not necessarily realistic or in the kids' best interests. Etc etc etc.

So yeah. That's where all that is at.
 
Having such a good vacation with Guitarist. So much sex, so much food. We even hooked my laptop up the the hotel TV so we can naked-cuddle-watch Luke Cage.

I even had a great time wine tasting, though I had to be super careful. When they say alcohol and benzodiazipines are synergistic, hoooo boy. I really hate feeling high or super drunk (which I got off the equivalent of maybe two glasses of wine over the course of 2 hours, AFTER eating a huge lunch). Not my favorite thing ever. But at least I know that the wines we bought for the wine rack are delicious. And I can look forward to drinking them VERY CAREFULLY in the future.

I'm so happy!
 
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