Leaf on the Wind

In other good news, I'm graduating to a trial "every other week instead of every week" in therapy. I'm stable enough that I don't need that weekly level of support, and the strategies we're putting into place are helping me cope with stress/the unexpected/anxiety and disappointment/the unexpected/depression. So we cautiously canceled counseling next week and if this works out for a month or two doing every other week, we'll make that shift.

It feels like graduating, a little bit.
 
Despite continued drama in the saga of replacing my water heater, I'm maintaining a good mood. It's kind of crazy that this is probably the longest period that I've been in a middling-or-better mood since I was in my preteens. And this is despite things that would normally send me depression-spiraling. Another victory for therapy and medications, I guess.

Tonight, Guitarist will be out of the house visiting Spice, and I'm excited to have the house to myself for a little while. Tomorrow is a poly meetup that I know Raven is attending, and I'm pretty sure Guitarist will attend. Saturday, me and Guitarist are board-gaming at Spice's house.

I have a tentative lunch date with the new interest, who I'm dubbing Emma, on May 13. I've informed Guitarist but I really need to let Raven know as well. We don't have any kind of agreement there but it seems like the thing to do. I know I would want to know. So I'll have to either bring it up tomorrow at the meetup or text her.

If the thing with Emma pans out into any kind of friendship+, it'll be time to shut down my OKC again. I would have said 2 relationships was my max, but with the Raven thing being so casual, I have the time and energy for one more. But anything beyond that would just not be feasible. I'd be so scheduled there wouldn't be any room for spontaneity, much less introvert time!

No Flame updates. I'm chalking that up in the "didn't work out" column. Ever since he flaked out on our possible plans and then took a trip to Europe and started only texting me in times of emotional crisis.. yeah. It's better that that relationship stays at the level of flirty friends.

And there goes my lunch break!
 
Trying to make time for updates when I'm in the middle of a video game craze and actually having to work consistently at work now (!!!) is difficult. I feel like I've fallen behind! I have to remind myself that I'm not actually responsible for posting here and I just do it because I like it... yeah. I agree with my counselor's assessment that I am TOO responsible sometimes.

The poly meetup on Friday was fun! I was a little tired though, since I get up pretty early in the morning. I've turned into Not A Night Person, which is kind of strange for me, but now that I'm on anxiety medication and can actually fall asleep, I kind of like it. I didn't get a chance to really have a conversation with Raven at the meetup. It was kind of packed, since it happened to be the 5th of May. I got to meet a couple of new people and learned some new names and tried to remember some old ones. And then I left at 11 pm because I'm old and I was getting tired and cranky.

I did tell Raven that I'm probably possibly seeing Emma for lunch next weekend. She thought I meant this weekend and asked me how it went yesterday, which prompted a whole Seeing Other People conversation. During which I apologized for agreeing to lunch with someone else, even though Raven stated multiple times she hadn't expected that. It's just that I realized as we were talking that that had been quite inconsiderate of me.

Anyway. The seeing other people conversation went very well. Neither of us are really looking but are open to things that might crop up, like Emma messaging me out of the blue on OKC, and we both value our relationship and don't want to see each other any less than we are now. Which with our schedules, works out to about every other week for some alone time. I'm just now feeling like it's turning into a real relationship, so I didn't want to jeopardize that! In the end, we're on the same page and both happy with how things are progressing, so that is a huge relief.

At this point I'm enjoying having Emma as a long distance friend. If something works out to be more than that, that's great. If it doesn't, that's great too. She's fun to chat with any which way.

Today, me and Guitarist are going over to Spice's house for a Game of Thrones Board Game rematch. I think I'm going to play Dorne this time. I'm super excited. I made a chicken chili this morning that I'm bringing with, some guy is bringing pork sliders, Spice is talking about deviling some eggs. I'm not sure if this is going to be a board game party or a food party, and I'm 100% okay with that.

Basically, I'm very content with my poly situations right now. What black magic is this.
 
This is my first week of trial every-other-week with my therapist, and I'm doing great, which makes me happy. Well, happier. I'm pretty damn happy in general lately. I love my job. It can be very stressful, but I'm doing work that I enjoy and find personally fulfilling.

Today, I'm thinking about Guitarist a lot.

My relationship with Guitarist is very good right now. Since our talk about priorities, he has been very on top of the home stuff. That is a huge load of stress off me, feeling like I can depend on him to handle things instead of feeling like he is unwilling and I constantly have to monitor him for compliance. Some of the change there is on my end, letting go of home of origin and prior relationship stuff (thanks, therapy!), some is on his end, I think security in the knowledge that I'm actually happy having him work from home even though that means we're basically missing an income as long as I don't have to worry about the house stuff? I'd have to ask him to be sure, but he seems pretty content with the arrangement.

We had a bit of a talk last night about sex. He was worried he's been neglecting me, since he has gone unbarriered with Spice but not gotten tested, so we are back in barriered land. Which has equated to no sex at all. Surprisingly, I don't feel very neglected yet/at the moment/whatever. I'd kind of have expected to feel more negative, but I'm not. It's... frankly weird.

I think my antidepressants contribute to that somewhat. My sex drive since going on them is nonexistent without me deliberately revving myself, I usually rev up by fantasizing about giving him oral (which is alays a huge turn-on for me), and since I can't exactly do that the way I like right now, I just... don't.

I don't feel any less close to him without the sex though. We still cuddle every night and talk about everything. He's my best friend and I love him dearly and I'm very happy right now. I guess if it isn't broke, I shouldn't worry about it? But it just seems odd.

The only thing that gives me a twinge is if I think "Spice is getting to have sex with Guitarist but I am not." It's not a major jealousy thing, more... mild envy, I guess. It's not a visceral response and not really fear-based. And it's easily pushed aside by thinking about how much more of him I DO get and how it's just temporary anyway. So it's manageable.

And he said he's not feeling sexually neglected by me. So. I don't know. It's startlingly okay.

And now I'm out of lunch break. Other updates will have to wait!
 
I was supposed to have a Raven date tonight, but she canceled on me yesterday, because she was starting to feel bad because of the start of her period.

I've felt most of the time since then more or less like shit, trying to come up with different ways to make myself feel better. First I thought I'd go out to Grand Rapids to see Amon Amarth (again), but I get out of work at five and the show was listed as starting at six so I'd have to bring a shirt/makeup/boots to work and I would STILL be late even in perfect traffic, much less knowing what rush traffic is like there, and they're playing with a band I don't know, with openers I don't know, and I'd be going alone, and I'm going to a local show tomorrow night and have a lunch date with Emma... yeah. I made a command decision this morning, after I slept like shit (nightmares that the police killed everyone I knew and then kidnapped me and I was trying to escape, woo!), that I wasn't going to go.

So I've spent all day in a funk, with nothing to look forward too. I went out for a BBQ lunch with my friend I work with, and that helped, but it does nothing for the Truly Bummed feeling in the pit of my stomach.

I get it. Sometimes when you're perioding you really just want to curl up alone and hurt, but I only get a real date with her about every other week. She did promptly reschedule for next Friday. That counts for something.

I'm still really bummed.
 
I ended up getting over it and having a really good weekend. There may or may not be an update to follow on my lunch break. I'm getting my first intern ever so I might not have time!
 
So I haven't really graduated to every-other-week counseling. As we were going over her checklist of emotional stability stuff, I don't quite meet all the criteria yet and we still have some cbt stuff to work on. Boo. But not too much of a disappointment since I'd rather be safe than sorry.

Ironically, because of conferences and vacations, we're going to be about every other week through July. Ha.

In poly life, things are good. I've recovered from my disppointment of not seeing Raven last Friday and I'm really looking forward to this Friday, I had a good lunch with Emma on Saturday and we're planning on hanging out again after Memorial Day Weekend, and everything with Guitarist continues to go smoothly.

The only odd thing is that Flame started texting me out of the blue again. Just after I was talking about him here, after like hearing nothing from him since January or so. With him, though, it's always like we never stopped talking in the first place. I think the fact he's a flirty friend instead of a Serious Interest takes the mental pressure off.

This week will be busy. This weekend? Busy. Next weekend? Busy. My life is basically busy lately... and I'm not minding it one bit. I schedule myself introvert time and the rest is fun stuff.
 
My Friday date with Raven was canceled, again. She was going to her mother's on Saturday morning. She offered to reschedule to Saturday, but my friend was in town from out of the country. I offered to bring her with but she wasn't sure she would be up for it. She said she'd let me know, and then let me know about half an hour later than she said she would that she wasn't interested in coming.

I can tell things are going badly because I'm out of benefit of the doubt. You can't see me because you're seeing your mother the next day? You're so tired from seeing your mother that you don't want to see me after you canceled on me? Making like zero effort here, aren't you?

Raven, Ravenhub, and I pulled up the garden area on Sunday for about two hours. It felt like working out with my friend Tiny. It really strikes me how much this feels like my friendship with Tiny, who I have a mad crush on but can't act on it for reasons. So we see each other maybe once a month and the rest of the time it's just occasional texting. To me, that's a friendship relationships.

So I really don't even know what to do about Raven. I would like to talk to her about it, but I haven't seen her in a private setting since the end of April. And to be honest, I don't even know what to say. That it isn't working for me? She's already drifted back to just feeling like friends. I'm not sure why I'd go to the hassle of breaking up with her when we don't really have anything to break up. And I don't want to make it awkward and make them feel like they can't garden here. And those just sound like excuses not to have a difficult conversation.

I know my mantra has been enjoying it at the level it's at, but that's a lot harder to do when you're getting repeatedly canceled on. At the same time, I don't want to go through the drama of a breakup... and a breaking up of what, exactly. Also at the same time, it doesn't feel fair to not tell her what I'm thinking. And ALSO at the same time, she isn't exactly making it easy to have that conversation.

Ugh. Relationships are so complicated.
 
Cue cramping. No wonder I've been feeling so fatalistic and morose the past couple days! It's time to hold off on making major decisions for about a week or so.
 
So now that the craziness of the past few weeks is over, let the craziness of the next few weeks commence!

Tonight I'm having a date with myself. It's been a while since I scheduled some down time, so I did and I'm really looking forward to it. It's kind of a "the past couple Fridays have been shitty but at least I can't cancel on myself" thing.

Tomorrow I'm having a lunch date with Raven. That, I'm not looking forward to so much. My last therapy session was pretty much devoted to Raven processing and I've reached the conclusion that I know that I should already have reached, which is that I really need to tell her how much she hurt my feelings by canceling on me twice in a row. Especially since we get so few dates and the last time she canceled was for a pretty bogus reason. (Seeing her mom the next day? Like... really?)

I've been vacilating between being entirely done with this relationship, and how much I enjoy our time together when we get it. Any which way, we need to talk. My feelings got very hurt by her two cancelations, and as much as I hate rocking boats, that's a fact and they aren't going to get less hurt by being nursed in silence. And depending on how the talk goes determines whether I'll stay in the relationship or end it even though I quite like her, so I might be having a break up this weekend, which is a real bummer.

Sunday, I'm going on a day trip to my parents' cabin for a family reunion. Monday, my friend is possibly having a BBQ with board games that I'm possibly going to with Guitarist and at which Emma might possibly show up. Tuesday, I'm having a lunch date with Emma and then I have a board meeting. Wednesday I'm getting my hair cut. Thursday I'm thinking of texting my writing buddy and seeing if she wants to write. And then it's next weekend again!

Phew.
 
Saturday I had a talk with Raven about how canceling on me twice in a row hurt my feelings. She apologized and said that she understood and that she was glad we were talking about it. At the time, it felt promising. In retrospect though it wasn't much of a conversation, me saying my piece and her just apologizing, I'm not really sure. I don't know. Today... I don't know. I only got five hours of sleep and I'm pretty depressed.

About that. Guitarist does weird sleep things where he pretty much just stays up until he's exhausted and doesn't really maintain a sleep schedule. Which is mostly fine because he's a grown man and can pick his own sleep schedule since as long as he gets his work done, it doesn't matter.

Except it's not fine when it interferes with MY sleep. I don't get to pick my sleep schedule, I went through some pretty grueling sleep training because apparently sleep is necessary to my mental health or something. I used to be unable to fall asleep unless Guitarist was there, but that changed when he went off first-shift, so at this point, I'm very used to falling asleep alone and cannot fall asleep when he's in the bed. Last night was exactly the same as the previous time he did this (last week, also right before my first day back to work), in which I just lay there getting frustrated that I wasn't falling asleep until my legs started twitching. I didn't fall asleep until well after 1:30.

I woke up at 6:30. My alarm is supposed to go off at seven, but I'd been having anxiety nightmares about missing work, and then I was just laying there being anxious about talking to Guitarist and not wanting to get up because I knew I'd have to talk to him about the sleep thing.

My job is very mentally taxing. Also, my sleep schedule is necessary for my mental health. That's why I have a sleep schedule that has me getting up at work-time even on the weekends and am not allowed to take naps (which I love).

I'm supposed to be editing at work today, have a lunch date with Emma, and then a board meeting after work. I have no idea how I'm going to get through all this on way less than necessary sleep. I've thought about calling in sick but I'm worried about how that would look (sure you're sick the day after a long weekend, UH HUH), my intern is going to be in today and I didn't make any alternate provisions for him, and I'm really trying to save up my sick time so that my long-term disability insurance premium will drop.

It blows. Today just blows and it's not even 8 am.
 
I kind of wrote a big post earlier on my phone and lost it, which left me feeling very "fuck my life" about posting today. And now it's late and I'm sitting here knowing I should be going to bed but I decided to update anyway, whee!

I had a much better day today after a full night's sleep. I'm feeling a lot less grrr about Raven and a lot more let it be what it is. It seems like my mood on that seems to change from moment to moment depending on my underlying mood in general. When I'm feeling bad, it's the obvious thing to want to obsess over and burn down in a fit of self-destructive pique. When I'm feeling good, I'm capable of enjoying it for what it is. So I still don't know what that relationship is.

Guitarist is out with Spice. I get jealous of that, that he has a weekly thing. I miss having a weekly thing. I miss having a serious thing with a woman. Trying not to be jealous is harder than it sounds when I'm not even jealous of a person but of a relationship format.

I recently had a lunch date with Emma, and man do I like her. But there's an evil part of my brain that chimes in, yeah, you really liked Raven too until she started canceling on you all the time and you got hurt and jaded. And then I have to remind it that people aren't interchangeable and that even though she lives farther away she seems a lot more experienced with poly, dating women, and responsible about scheduling, so maybe it won't be another exercise in masochism. For one thing, she texts me regularly. Then evil brain chime in and said, yeah, Purr used to do that too until NRE hit with whatever her new squeeze of the moment was. Shut up brain before I stab you with a qtip.

Though emotional masochism isn't quite what my relationship with Raven is. It's definitely outside of my comfort zone in terms of not seeing her much, but it isn't... bad. When she isn't breaking my heart. I just wish it was more, and it's probably not fair to do that. Another thing to wish is to stop wishing it was more and do the acceptance thing.

And with that, I realize I'm actually quite tired. I hope this made some kind of sense.
 
Emma sent me a blog article on comet relationships in poly and it was a good read, but I think it's definitely written from an allosexual viewpoint. I mean, there's no way that I could fall right back into physicality with someone that I haven't seen in years. The desire for physical anything just isn't there.

Cuddling is about as physical as I want to get with Raven. It isn't that she is unattractive, it's that I seem to see her twice a month on a good month and we aren't exactly texting on the regular to maintain the connection. I think about kissing her and there's just nothing there. Why go there if I'm not really into it? I'm way past behaving in an expected way just because it's expected.

At the same time, she hasn't complained, and now that I'm off my period, I'm feeling very okay with the relationship, so I'm back to just letting it be. She might come with me to a game at Poker's house (a poker game, of course) this weekend and she might not. Guitarist might come and he might not. And I'm alright with having neither/both/either of them there with me.

I am irritated about the garden though. I really pushed Guitarist to get cogardening consent on his part and neither of them will schedule anything with me about the damned garden. So even though we cleared it and repaired the fence, I'm guessing there will be no fresh vegetables for me this year, since they kept insisting they had the seeds and handling a garden solo would be too much for me to handle. Grumble. This is what happens when I make any kind of plans with irresponsible people.

I need to stop making plans that rely on unreliable, irresponsible people.

Anyway, that's where things are at. Worst case scenario, I'll see Raven at the next not-a-sex-party in the middle of June.
 
I haven't been posting much lately. Probably because when I'm content and even happy in all of my relationships, there doesn't seem to be all that much to process. Sorry not sorry!

Raven went with me to a poker game with my non-poly friends last night, and she said she had a lot of fun and liked meeting my friends. I had a lot of fun, too. We talked a bit about seeing/making out with/sex with other people as well. I'm feeling a lot more comfortable in just letting that relationship be what it is (at least until my next period, when I will probably freak out... again). Things are comfortably at a regularly kissing and cuddling level without me feeling pressured by her to elevate it to something more physical.

Emma is off on a camping trip this coming week, but we're going to spend the afternoon together in two weeks. I'm not really sure doing what, we're going to make plans closer to the date, but I'd be happy with just hanging out. We had a conversation about our friendship, and she's most interested in just letting things happen at whatever pace they happen at. I'm not going crazy with NRE and she's long-distance, so as long as the pressure isn't there for something more than a friendship and she's not crazy interested in just hopping into bed (which it doesn't sound like) I'm also happy to let that be what it is. We text pretty much every day and I really enjoy that.

Flame has popped up again out of nowhere and I'm having fun texting him. It's back to a flirty friendship without feeling pressured or awkward on my part. I think as long as I don't expect anything out of him, I won't be disappointed.

Guitarist and I are going on a date day today, eating out and seeing Wonder Woman.

There's a not-a-sex-party coming up next weekend, that I'm half looking forward to and half anxious about (WHY). I had fun last time, though, so I'm pretty sure that I'll have fun again.
 
Reverie's more recent post on the interaction between child of an addict/control/polyamory really resonated with me. My struggles with anxiety and control are frequent topics in therapy. Tied, of course, to my family of origin stuff with two parents who are addicts. My whole adult life is a reaction to that--structure, control, responsibility. I mean, I'm a government support lawyer for petesake, it doesn't get much more structured than that.

Of course this plays poorly with poly in a lot of ways. New people introduce unknowns! I need to know what the plans are! I don't do spontaneous! And as I've discovered with Raven, I hate, hate, HATE being canceled on. I even get bothered when Guitarist cancels on Spice because it interferes with my expectations for how my evening is going to go. The unexpected makes me deeply anxious and unhappy.

On the flip side, my therapist has opined that irresponsible people make me feel comfortable on a lot of levels (even when irresponsibility interfers with my expectations and need for control), kind of like a childhood security blanket, which could play into why I married one less-than-responsible person and have dated a series of others. It's definitely something to think about going forward. Usually if I can identify the source of my stress, it has less power over me.
 
I'm presently wondering why the hell I thought that booking myself for three things this Saturday (a Pride march, a baby shower, and the not-a-sex-party) was a good idea. Whyyyyyyyy.

If I wasn't planning on seeing Raven at the party, I'd already have canceled that aspect already. It just seems like a full day for an introvert. But I also would really like to see Raven.

Ugh. Poly scheduling problems.
 
I actually ended up going nowhere and doing nothing yesterday. Our brand fucking new water heater went out on Thursday night, leaving us without hot water and with plumbers scheduled to come yesterday. They did come and fix up the water heater, but by then it was after 4 pm, I hadn't showered, and I was super stressed out and feeling extremely anti-social.

I stayed home and worked on my chainmail instead. And I can't say that I really regret it.
 
I'm really struggling with a lot of Feelings. Guitarist engaged in some agreement-breachy behavior at the not-a-sex-party. I'm going to call it moderate cheating. Where mild is a breach of an agreement due to confusion but also failing to clarify, moderate is a knowing breach of an agreement in the heat of the moment type of thing with immediate disclosure and serious remorse, and severe is full-on clearly planned, knew it would hurt you but did it anyway, didn't immediately come clean about it behavior.

Pretty much as I understand it, he was in a place with some people, an orgy situation spontaneously erupted, he began doing some genital touching of someone else under clothing, and then he felt wrong about it and left the situation. And told me in the morning, albeit with some prompting on my part (well what do you mean an orgy erupted and were you part of it and what does that mean-type questions). We have a "stop and confer" line before any kind of sexual contact, which we had defined as direct genital contact under clothing. In part to prevent this type of in the heat of the moment behavior.

I'm sure there was no discussion of std status. And I know Guitarist didn't use a condom or glove or some other kind of protection.

I feel cheated on, betrayed, and stupid. The stupid part comes in because this is the third time some questionable behavior has taken place when he's at one of these parties. Though this one is clearly greater than questionable. Shouldn't I have seen this coming? Isn't this what I get for being so laid back and trusting? Never mind the periods of intense rage and the completely unwelcome, intrusive thoughts that ambush me when I think I'm okay. Not fine, but okay.

I'll start to feel almost alright and then thoughts jump on me again. It's pretty much it's like when you are going down stairs and you think there is another stair but there isn't and you jam your foot into the ground. Startled, surprise pain. And on the flip side, sometimes I think about our relationship and where there used to be a feeling of security, there is this sensation that's like when you're going up stairs and you expect there to be another stair and there isn't. More startling and sickeningly empty and offbalance feeling.

I have therapy tomorrow. Even better, Guitarist will be out with Spice when I get home, so I'll have some time to solo-process therapy.
 
Therapy day. I can tell it's going to be a fun one because I can't even organize my thoughts enough to anticipate questions and I've been on the edge of tears all day at work.
 
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