Leaf on the Wind

Sorry you're having a rough time. Sucks that Guitarist has been breaking agreements. You seem so cool with most stuff all the time that it's unfortunate that he would push past boundaries till you're past the point of what's cool. :(
 
Thanks Rev. It does suck. Relationships are complicated and sometimes people do things that hurt. Therapy yesterday was really helpful in terms of separating out what is anxiety and what are legitimate concerns, coming up with a strategy so that the bad thoughts don't keep ambushing me, coming up with a plan for how to talk to Guitarist to implement that plan.

It was also good for the outside perspective validating my decision not to just LEAVE RIGHT NOW, which is my conflict-avoidant issues coming to the front. He has done several things that indicate he truly does have remorse and wants to make things right (being honest most of all, but also taking responsibility and not trying to control my feelings and giving me space to process), which I KNOW but are hard things to credit when I'm In My Feelings.

My therapist is also really good at putting things in an asexual perspective for me. Like... I have the feeling the touching may have been with another guy. If that was the case, Guitarist might not have actually mentally applied our boundaries regarding genital touching to men, since he's mostly attracted to women even though sexual contact with men also violates our agreement. Or as my therapist put it, it would be the difference between KNOWING that you're on a diet and there will be cookies at a meeting and mentally preparing yourself to avoid them, and having someone surprise you with a cookie and taking a bite out of it and then realizing oh shit, you're on a diet. And whether the other person was naked or he had to reach under clothes to do the touching. Stuff like that. I didn't ask the details of the situation because I didn't want to know, but now I'm going to ask the details and hope he's willing to give them so that I can put some perspective on his behavior. It doesn't negate the behavior, but it may affect the level of culpability. And in any case it should help my mind to stop ambushing me with worst-case scenarios.

Anyway. I don't think it was premeditated on his part. It's behavior that hurt me a lot, but some of that is my own anxiety magnifying that hurt. I might seem cool, but I do really freak out sometimes. It's very hard for me to maintain my chill in the face of the unexpected.

Things like this is why when my friends ask about poly I'm like, so how much emotional processing do you want to do because you'll probably be doing ALL OF IT.
 
I had a conversation with Guitarist last night. Normally I don't like to know the specifics, but I think that's mostly because knowing specifics gives me bad feels. In this case, I already have the bad feels, and knowing the specifics doesn't make them any worse.

Guitarist has some him-stuff he needs to work out in his head. Basically, he has competing desires for wanting to have casual sex with people, and generally being a homebody. So when he's already out at a place where sexiness is occurring (combined with what he described as a novel experience of being desirable, which I think has to be a hold-over issue from adolescence because he's been desirable as long as I know him), he turns into a kid in a candy store in those situations. It sounds like he really did act without thinking.

I don't think it will happen again.

But he needs to figure out if he wants more casual sexual relationships. And that's where I'm out. The risks and possibilities of someone I'm having sex with also having sex with people on a casual basis who I don't really know and whose judgment I have no reason to trust and who are probably having sex with other people ... just no. This would be anxiety central for me. It would be perfectly fine for some people, but it's not fine for me. I can't trust that everyone is testing regularly and after new partners when I don't know or trust the people involved.

Maybe it would have been different if he'd brought this up when I felt like I could trust his judgement, but that's not where we're at. And maybe it still would have been a hard no from me, even before he opened this entire can of trust-breachy worms. I have a hard enough time with him being in unprotected status with Spice, who is awesome about testing and keeping Guitarist informed of new partners.

I don't know what I'll do if he decides that he needs or strongly desires more casual sex in his life, but I do know that would be the end of OUR sex life. And I miss having sex with him. But I'm surviving on the emotional intimacy, which is for me the more necessary and better form of intimacy. I can do without sex but I can't do without cuddling. And I do love him dearly. So I just don't know. This is what my brain keeps spinning its wheels on today when I should be working.

Anyway. Tonight is date night with Raven, and Sunday during the day at some point I'll be seeing Emma. I'm still not sure whether seeing Emma will be at her college town or my house. She's getting her dog back from her parents, who were watching the dog while Emma was out of town, and she's trying to figure out the timing on that before we decide where/when/what we're doing.

I'm trying not to let my emotional turmoil around Guitarist bleed over into my other relationships. And I don't want to talk about it with them for relationship privacy reasons. But I'm not sure that I'm going to be very good company this weekend.
 
The weekend went pretty decently. It was nice to see Raven on Friday night, even for just a short amount of time. It pretty much always is now that my brain has moved on from its wanting to force that relationship into a different mold place.

I also had a great time with Emma. We hung out at her place, took her dog on a long walk, and then went out and got food. It was just nonstop talking the whole time, which I loved. The getting to know you phase of a relationship thing is lots of fun when I can keep my brain from going into anxiety or NRE places.

Things with Guitarist are... okay. The major emotional fallout from his relationship-breachy-behavior-but-honest-afterward episode has mostly passed. Worries about his whole casual sex desire/possible need have lingered, as well as the fact that I just don't know if I can trust him. I'm not pushing him on the sex issue because he said he needed time to figure himself out, but I do catch myself wondering about it. And the trust thing is just going to need time.

It's not like we've been otherwise having sex anyway. It's been over two months since he started doing unprotected with Spice and he still hasn't gotten tested. And now with the casual sex shadow on everything, I have to wonder if on his side, we have been having sex for so long simply because I'm a convenient outlet. I mean... now that I'm not convenient, it's not like he has made the effort to go get tested, buy condoms, or anything else he had talked about doing. At first, I was fine doing other, non-fluid-exchange things, but it's been a while since I've even felt like doing anything sexy at all. I really like giving oral. When I'm doing sex, I want to give oral. And so when Guitarist and I fool around, I start thinking about how someone else gets to do things I want to do but can't, and it just really kills my mood. It's been better to just not have sex at all.

So pretty much that whole episode has revealed an entire area of possible relationship trouble. And maybe that isn't a bad thing. Or maybe the fatalism is just depression speaking. :rolleyes:
 
I'm both extremely tired and feeling better than I have in a while. My weekend is going to be a lovely mix of down time and social time.

First, I've planned for a couple weeks to see Tiny on Friday. Friday is Guitarist and Spice's date night this week, so we're all going to hang out together with pizza and board games. I'm hoping I'll finally get to try Feast for Odin, which Guitarist has raved about. Saturday is all mine. Sunday, I'm taking the dog up to my parents cabin. Monday I'm looking at cars and then seeing Raven. Tuesday, Emma invited me to her BBQ but instead I think I'm going to avoid driving like the plague. And Wednesday I have my niece Bug all day. She's like 4 years old now or something. We're going to go to the library and maybe the park and maybe do beads.

I'm so looking forward to this relaxation time. I wish it was tomorrow night already.
 
*dances around to the sound that is new car* Also I had zero panic attacks while driving three hours to the dealership that my brother-in-law works at, even though driving to a new place in holiday traffic would have previously given me like seven. Therapy and medication are amazing.

Guitarist finally bought condoms and we're having so much sex again. I've forgiven him for his agreement-breachy behavior, though I'm still nervous about going to poly meetups and such because for some reason I really don't want to see the woman he cheated with, even though she's really cool and it wasn't at all her fault, and she's a regular at these things. I'll be seeing Raven on Friday and Emma on Saturday. Emma is coming out here and we might go to the poly meetup afterward, which I think would be super cool because then she could at least meet Raven and possibly meet Guitarist if he goes.

The rest of the week is delightfully plan-free. I get to spend tomorrow with my niece, but that feels less like a plan and more like a bonus to my recreation time. She is so adorably excited about going to the library again.
 
My office neighbor died unexpectedly over the weekend and I have to go to work today and I'm really dreading it. Life is so short and fragile.
 
Having one of those days. Last week was intensely socially busy, after a huge socially busy weekend. I think I did something social every day except Tuesday, which was my sole relaxation day. I'm not going to relate all the things, but I played a lot of A Feast For Odin, which is an amazing worker assignment board game that arrived in the mail Monday. Unfortunately, Above and Below (which arrived with it) came damaged but it should arrive tomorrow.

Yesterday, I had Irish and... work friend, he really needs a name here... out for a couple games of Feast. I had so much fun, but they left around 10, which is usually my bed time. I was so Up that I couldn't fall asleep. Guitarist and I had a good conversation about poly stuff and STD stuff (HOO BOY do they want a lot of money to pay out of pocket for the HPV vaccine, I think I'm just going to have to eat that risk) and some lingering emotional fallout about the smallcheating episode. I feel asleep very in love with him.

Then he woke me up at 4:30 coming into the bedroom for the second night in a row except this time on a work night and I laid awake for an hour and woke up wanting to murder him. I left him a note this morning. I'm trying to give him the benefit of the doubt on not knowing how to palm a door closed and that maybe I haven't communicated exactly how much me sleeping is a NEED and not a want. So. That's been clearly communicated now.

I'm also PMSing. Clearly, clearly PMSing.
 
Hormonal like crazy. I want to eat everything and also blow everything up. Fortunately, I know better than to make major life decisions when in this mode.

Tonight is Guitarist's date night with Spice. For me, that means some delicious home alone time.

He also mentioned going to play Magic some time with one of the women from the poly events and her partner. Since he has also mentioned how he had messaged her on OKC a while back, I get the feeling this is an exploring interest thing instead of a hang out with new friends thing.

I'm not really sure how I feel about that. On the one hand, I WANT to feel like he's welcome to explore new things with new people. On the other hand, a big part of my brain is intensely anxious.

And tired. I still haven't finished adjusting to the cheating incident and now you want me to adjust to this other thing? And meanwhile you've also been talking about maybe doing casual sex with... I'm going to call her Mermaid... not that he wants to but she raised it to him and he raised it to me so of course that means I'm processing it...

I just want to scream buddy, this is too much adjustment for me right now! But wanting to do that makes me feel like the bad guy. And it makes me question, am I punishing him for his behavior? Or am I having a real issue, here?

Holding on tight with both hands will not, however, solve any residual cheating anxiety problems.

And if I say that I want to be closed to new partners for a while, I feel like it's going to make me sound selfish and reactionary. And that it'll also backfire by making him want new partners that maybe he doesn't even want right now (wanting what you can't have) and feeling restricted and resentful.

I'm also wondering what the hell I'm doing with Emma. Now that the possibility of shiny new thing has worn off, I find myself wondering where the hell this is going. She wants to have babies with her triad in the near future and I'm 100% not into that. She's smart, funny, responsible, and I like her a lot, but she's also not going to have time for me for a couple of weeks and this is the second time of that and I'm fucking sick of pining for things that I can't have. I think we're going to have to have A Talk when she's done being at her sister's wedding this weekend.

I think I'm perpetually incapable of enjoying things for what they are. I should just accept that about myself and stop settling for "this is nice but" situations.

In good news, tomorrow is a date night with Raven, and things there are going well. I'm trying not to get excited about how this is the second week in a row that we'll be seeing each other and that she seems excited to see me. I'm sure date night will come with some measure of "oh later than planned," but ever since the canceling conversation, she has always made time on the nights we have planned in advance.
 
Wauuuugh my period hit like a ton of bricks. It's impossible for me to get comfortable and I'm so very tired even though I slept a solid 8 hours. Yesterday, I ate everything in sight, but today I don't want to eat anything even though I'm going out to lunch with Poker. Raven is the best. Instead of getting dinner, we're going to get frozen yogurt.

Hormones are weird, guys.

I had a good talk with Guitarist yesterday too about his uncoming hang out with Meetup Woman Who Needs A Better Name and how I don't have the processing power to do him-in-a-new-thing right now. He was very understanding and said that it was mostly a hanging out with friends thing, but he'd cool his jets toward any possible other thing that might arise. Anxiety and bad feels averted, go us.
 
I'm dubbing Guitarist's new interest Magical. I'm going to have to give her partner a different moniker than the usual naming scheme because MagicalPartner is just too long and awkward. I think I'll dub them Pea.

So yes, the friendly MtG game and coffee turned into a what are you doing next week kind of thing. BUT after I posted about it here and talked about it with Guitarist some more, I realized that my hangup is purely a sexual one. I have a lot of latent bad feels about the cheating episode. Spice is seemingly immune from them, but any idea of anything sexual with new people throws me into a tailspin. Even the hint of the future possibility has me wondering when he'll spring a surprise "so we just happened to have sex" conversation on me.

But not all discomfort is bad. Him having new partners isn't a Not Ever thing, but a Not Right Now thing. If they want to be flirty friends and interests who maybe have a future thing, I'm okay with that. As long as he respects that I need some time.

Knowing Guitarist in particular and allosexuals in general, if they keep seeing each other, they'll eventually want it to turn sexual. But him agreeing to take it slow is hopefully going to give me time to adjust. And if he actually lives up to his word on that, I think it'll go some way toward rebuilding my trust. I have forgiven him, but I still don't trust him, which is shitty but it's also how it is. The only things that are going to help with that is time and him being trustworthy, and he can't be trustworthy if I don't give him chances.

In good news, I saw Raven on Friday. She wants to make Friday our day (!!!). Except this week we'll be doing Tuesday, because me and Guitarist are having Spice and Spicewife out to play Above and Below on Friday.

Tuesday, we're planning on getting tacos and making out. It should be very fun. And hopefully the period monster will have abated by then so that I can sit comfortably for more than a minute. We got froyo and did mall walking Friday. And that was fun but not too much fun because Day 1 is always the worst of it.

Tuesday is Guitarist's day with Spice, as well. Wednesday I think he's going to hang out with Magical and Pea, which should give me some much needed alone time. Friday, the board game. Saturday I'm having Thrash out. Sunday, I'm maybe going to my parents' house for dinner. Busy busy busy.
 
I've never played Above and Below! It's on my list though - is it any good?
 
It's a fun worker assignment game with a sort of D&D-esque storytelling element. It's kind of simple, but I really like it. And it's easier to learn than A Feast For Odin, which is another worker assignment game and my current absolute favorite. It's also not highly competitive, so while there's an aspect of competing in that some buildings are unique, you're mostly just trying to do the best you can.

It's a good casual board gamer fun and easy game. Not likely to intimidate noobs and, because of how the game is structured, it seems to have a good replay value. And it has a choose your own adventure aspect that's FANTASTIC and why I bought it. All aboard the nostalgia train!

Meanwhile, I'm hanging out in front of Raven's place. Whee!

Oh there she is!
 
I did want to add that the only things it seems to lack are a victory point tracker (so it's hard to see who is ahead and by what, which I suppose plays into the less competitive aspect of the game) and a victory point tally sheet (come on guys, all the other kids are doing it!), so I'll probably end up whipping out some tally sheets after I've figured out the best way to tally points.
 
So Guitarist says that the thing with him and Magical is "an interest thing." I'll take obvious for 100, Alex. But at least they talked about it.

I'm very excited to have Spice and Spicewife out to my house for board games. Even if nothing else, it would be a great excuse to pick up pizza. But also board games! Whee!

The only downside is that I woke up at 6:30 again (why, body, why) so I'm probably going to be tired before everyone else. Ah well.
 
I tend to post less when things are going well, or at least normal, don't I? I guess that's because this is mostly a processing blog for me. It probably gives the impression that my life is one string of drama after the other, hahaha.

Lately, things have been... I don't want to say boring, but normal. With the exception that I won't get to see Raven tonight because she has strep throat and doesn't want to get me sick. I did deliver her some soup and she's probably past being contagious right now, but she's the sick one, so if she wants to reschedule she gets to reschedule. Maybe earlier next week, but if nothing else there's next Friday.

Having a set day makes me so much more chill about rescheduling stuff.

I'm going out to Large City for the zoo tomorrow, which means getting up earlier and leaving earlier than I'd like, but it's for my grandmother's birthday. She wanted to spend time with the great-grandkids, who are between 7 and 1 at this point, if we aren't counting my cousin's bun in the oven. The zoo seemed like a great compromise option. I'm going to set aside my mixed feelings about the ethics of zoos in general and just go with it.

Guitarist will be going out to Magical's tomorrow while I'm doing family stuff. I'm mostly past resenting the shit out of that thing, at this point, though it was really more "resenting that he would decide to instigate a bunch of other change now while he knows I'm still struggling with the cheating episode" and directed at him rather than at her. It's not HER fault. But he can mention plans with her without my hackles getting raised.

I've come to realize that the resentment stemmed from my feeling that it was very irresponsible of him to start seeing someone new while one of his existing relationships (ours) was in an unstable place. Which helped me to realize that it isn't a statement about our relationship in general: Guitarist is just not a responsible person. Illustrated in a second way by how we are still using condoms because he just hasn't gone to get tested and probably wouldn't go every six months as I requested to maintain unbarried with him anyway. And once I realized that his irresponsible decision wasn't intended to send a larger message about how he values our relationship it has become easier to deal with.

About the condoms. I'm not minding that as much as I thought I might. The only downside is that I don't enjoy giving oral through them, and giving oral is usually something I enjoy greatly, but we're doing a lot of other-options stuff. Besides, I get less chafed up inside with the condoms. The ribbing, though, I'm not sure that's working for me. It's TOO MUCH stimulation when I'm really worked up.

Work is good. My first extern's last day was yesterday, which kind of caused me to shed a tear. I spent most of the week working really closely with a junior attorney's work, offering suggestions for improvement, which reminded me how much I love teaching. But as of late afternoon yesterday I have my own case again, which is also a relief. No time pressure (the junior attorney's work needed to be polished because she's moving on to a judge so there was a time crunch involved) and I love this work, too. I pretty much just love my job in general. And my new-to-me car that takes me to and from work every morning. I don't LIKE driving, but it certainly makes driving more bearable.

Also, the attempt to repeal the ACA bombed again, muchly soothing my week-long nail-biting anxiety about whether some of my friends might be rendered much more likely to literally die. So that's good too!
 
My hormones have been all over the place. Turns out Raven is having her period early. Since we're basically on opposite cycles, that means I'm ovulating. Ugh. The older I get, the more ovulating starts to feel like Period Time Light (only in the senseis shorter-lived), complete with sore boobs, cramping, and a crap mood.

I sat around the house brooding polyamorous thoughts yesterday. I came to a couple conclusions:

I've been operating in a scarcity model lately. And by lately, I mean that it's been the cumulative effect of several things that have happened, mostly breakups on breakups followed by relationship struggles including getting cheated on twice by two different partners. I feel like "good" relationships have been thin on the ground for me and so I want to hold onto relationships that don't fit even (Emma) and hold on tighter to those that do so that I don't lose them (Guitarist). That's been manifesting itself as trying to control Guitarist's new thing with Magical while I whinge in my head about how things never work out for me (despite how well things are actually going with Raven!).

As poorly timed as I feel that that Guitarist's new thing is, though, trying to control it because I don't fully trust Guitarist right now is a recipe for misery and disaster. So I'm letting that go. I told Guitarist to do whatever pace there that he feels is appropriate.

The only option that wouldn't have stressed me out was "no relationship." And due to his actions and me not speaking up when I should have about how I was not ready for that, that ship has sailed.

We had a talk last night about recovering from his cheating incident and how I felt that his starting a new thing with Magical was poorly timed. He said some things like, 'what should I have done, told her to wait a few weeks?' and 'But I thought we were mostly healed.'

My brain went "yes!" and "well you didn't ask me or I would have told you that regardless of how healed YOU thought we were, I was NOT feeling very healed."

The thing is, I could have said that instead of sitting silently on my bad feelings. I could have, and should have, straight up told him that I wanted us to be closed to new partners for a time while I recovered equilibrium. I should have said that as he was hinting that he might possibly see Magical "just as friends" to make it clear to him that *I* thought she wanted more regardless of Guitarist not wanting to make assumptions, and that I was not comfortable.

But he didn't, and I didn't. And so here we are. Lessons learned for next time, I guess.

I also did some self-reflections on what has and hasn't worked for me when looking for new partners. I will never, ever date someone who isn't out as poly again. I want to be an acknowledged part of my partners' lives, not some dirty secret or side piece. I'm also going to stop artificially limiting myself to just dating women. I feel like I'm foreclosing a lot of possibilities by having myself closed off to people who identify as men or nb. I need to stop trying to force relationships into a format that I want them to be in. I would have lost a lot with Raven if I hadn't let that develop at its own pace. Finally, I'm going to let go of things that don't fit when they don't fit. That things don't work out is NOT a reflection on me in any way. It just means that sometimes, things don't work out.

That said, I've realized that I'm actually quite happy with what I have between Guitarist and Raven, and just because Emma offered the possibility of a third thing doesn't mean that I NEED a third thing. So I'm back to "not looking but open to possibilities."

Having realized all those things, I'm in a very peaceful place today.
 
I'm still in a very zen place, even though I slept like crap last night. I have counseling tonigh, grocery shopping with Guitarist tomorrow, a date night with Raven Friday, and then a funeral for my former coworker Saturday and maybe a poly meetup.

This is how boring my life gets when I'm not in a crisis mode.
 
Life continues to go well. We're having Magical and Pea out tonight for some MtG. I think I might actually play this time.

On Monday, I graduated to every-other-week therapy. Even with the Guitarist stuff, I've managed to stay surprisingly stable. Hard to imagine that about a year ago, I was wanting to kill myself.

Things with Emma seem to have gone the way of the slow fade. I was telling myself for a while that the next time we talk, I'll bring up being just friends. Without me texting her first, it's been two weeks since we've talked. Here's your sign.

I'm seeing Raven on Friday, and Guitarist is seeing Spice on the same day.

I'm starting to seriously worry about Guitarist's health. His cpap is broken, so he's getting less sleep, bad sleep, snoring, and seems VASTLY more depressed. I mentioned it a while back and he got defensive and more depressed, so I'm in a weird spot. He keeps saying he's going to get the replacement parts, and I don't want to nag him, but I don't have the necessary information to do it for him. Ugh.

My old cat is sick, but it seems treatable and we're getting him some medication today. Fingers crossed that it works. If it works, it means it's NOT kitty pancreatic cancer.

I have a long weekend coming up that I'm really looking forward to. Plans include a day trip to Lake Michigan with Guitarist. I invited Raven as well, but she can't get the time off. We might go to a park at some point that weekend. I'm going to try not to get horribly sunburned this year.

On the balance? Life is boring in a good way.
 
So much for my bucolic existence. MtG went well, but afterward I mentioned that I had heard a "Not A Sex Party" (even though at this point with the amount of sex that goes on at them I should just call them sex parties) was coming up, since Spice had mentioned it, and Guitarist asked me if I was going.

I don't remember what I responded because when I asked him if he was, to confirm we were still on the same page with him not going to sex parties in the near future after the cheating incident, he just said "well don't I always?"

UH.

Anyway, after starting this post because I'm too worried about it to even focus on work, I realized that I could try to do all the processing in the world but I really needed to talk with him about it, like, now. I sent him the following long message:

"So I was going to try to wait to get home and have a conversation about this, but it's actively distracting me from work so I'm going to write you here.

So when you responded to my question last night about the nerd night, your answer took me by surprise because it wasn't the answer I was expecting since I recalled that after the (CheatWoman) event, when I was freaking out about possible future (sex party named events), you had indicated that you wouldn't be going to one in the future. I interpreted that as near future, not in a never way, but still. So I've been thinking about that extensively, whether you actually said that or not, because your nonchalant "we'll don't I usually go" implied not only that my question was silly or unnecessary, but also that we hadn't actually talked about it and that you hadn't said anything like that.

Any which way, this has caught me by surprise in a major way. I'm not just uncomfortable, I'm Extremely Uncomfortable. I haven't done any mental prep for this because I didn't think it was a near future possibility. Among other things...

... have you figured out your casual sex issue that might have led to the incident?
... will (CheatWoman) be there?
... will you be drinking?
... what would I need to feel comfortable with this?

I don't have the answers to any of these questions, not just the ones only you can answer but the ones I would need to know the answers to.

Anyway, I wanted to let you know where my brain is at.
..."

I guess I just have to wait and see what he says. Maybe in the meanwhile, I can get some work done. Heh.
 
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