Well, last week was The Lost Week. Med changes led to some serious brain fog, nausea, and vertigo. "Mild" SSRI withdrawal was a fucking nightmare of constant headache and nausea, serious periods of brain fog (I still have these, but they're mild), vertigo, and sudden and crippling fatigue somehow coupled with insomnia.
So, that was fun.
But the hypomania is gone, and with it, my intense worries, agitation, and the accompanying irritation. As usual, it snuck up on me until looking back, I'm wondering how I let it get so bad.
Guitarist called the psychiatrist Monday, so hopefully that will start progressing soon so at least I can tell myself that it's only a matter of time until I get Guitarist back. I know psychiatrists are slow, but I'm willing to wait it out as long as Guitarist is following through. I hope I get the old Guitarist back eventually. I mean, I basically had to strong-arm him into getting me saltines when we ran out. It was all I could keep down, and the dizzy spells made me incapable of driving, but when I asked if he could grab me some while he was going to be out anyway, I was met with a constant stream of "but x, but y" that I wasn't in any position to handle. Not even "sure, but." Just a bunch of "buts." And that really, seriously bothered me.
To me, if someone is sick and they ask me to do a thing, I do the thing, because they're sick and I love them, so I want to take care of them. When Guitarist is sick, he just wants to be left alone and never asks me to do anything. I'm not sure it's fair to project my acts of service brain on him, but the whole issue with the damb saltines came off as a huge "I don't love you." Which I know isn't the case, but he's never been so apathetic when I'm feeling unwell before. So I don't know. I hope it's just depression shit and he'll go back to normal when he gets a handle on it.
Along those lines, it's becoming increasingly clear that I don't have the spoons for my illness and his at the same time. It's pretty much a world of suck, and I'm tired of being on the suck bus, and if I'm being honest, I'm approaching too exhausted to stay on the suck bus. Something has got to change, and I hope it's that he gets on top of treatment. Because his illness is feeding mine, and there is zero control that I have over him or his choices. He has to do the things if they're going to get done. And if he doesn't do them, I have to decide what that means for me.
Anyway. With the illness caused by the SSRI withdrawal, I didn't go to a friend's wedding over the weekend, and I ended up canceling a Sunday date plan with Teal. We ended up going out for dinner rather impromptu last night (I was able to do impromptu!) since her ex-wife was spending time with the kids, and then she came over and we just snuggled on my couch and talked and talked. It was super nice.
I'm trying not to get my hopes up, but I'm also not feeling any of the weird ambivalence that I felt from Raven. She really seems to enjoy spending time with me and knows she's into women. And since I'm not extremely anxious right now, I don't feel any pressure to "make" it go anywhere. But it's also so new that I just don't know.
I'm still texting with Shy. She's almost certainly just going to stay a casual friend unless I push, and I'm not interested in pushing.
Flame is having trouble with his new car, but is otherwise living the Flame life.
And that's pretty much everything going on!