Hey,
What follows is my rambling advice for newbies, particularly for gay women. I mean this all kindly, ok? If some of it feels irrelevant to you and your situation, then please feel free to disregard it. But hopefully some of it resonates and is helpful.
My girlfriend and I are both bisexual, but we have been together in a primary partnership for five years now, and were monogamous up until about two years ago. Most people in our LGBT community assume we are lesbian, and when we come out to people as poly, they often comment on how unusual it is for gay women to be into open relationships. It always feels like a bit of a let down to say that we're both bi after that somehow! Anyway, there is basically a perception that you might encounter, which says that gay women are less interested and involved in non-monogamy. In my experience, I know quite a few lesbians who are, but that yes, a great many more are bisexual. And almost all of the lesbians I do know are already partnered - there seem to be very few 'single' lesbians looking for a serious committed relationship, and of those that are, you have to accept that most of them will not be open for doing that with two people at once, because only a fraction of people are into group relationships full stop.
Just in general, it seems exponentially rarer for two women to be in a life-partnership and to be looking for a second (or third) female partner outside of that than it is for a woman and a man to be in a life-partnership and looking for another female partner. But that's just the way it is, and you probably knew that already. It will affect your chances of meeting people you are compatible with for sure, but only if you are ruling out bisexual women who already have male partners. If you are open to dating those women, then you may well find that you are in high demand. So, all this goes to say that you are a bit of a rarity, and to also warn you that people will make incorrect assumptions about the pair of you at times so to try not to take things too personally. I have literally lost track of the number of times when I'm taking to a new date about my live-in partner where they have mis-gendered her as a guy, because that is the norm and people are lazy.
However, the poly community is extremely LGBT friendly overall, and vice versa, to the point where it's now becoming more common (in the UK at least) for some LGBT organisations and student unions to have their own poly groups who meet once a month. These do tend to be full of lots of guys looking to meet other guys, but they could still offer something for you both and a new way to meet people. In general, I highly recommend finding a local group, even if it's not specifically an LGBT one. Pretty much everyone who goes to our local one is also on OkCupid, so whilst I'm yet to actually meet a lover at the meeting, I have spoken to many people online first and then met there in a friendly low-key social environment, and that's been great. Plus more importantly, I have made a bunch of friends there, and it's always good to talk to people who have been there and done that themselves.
As I said in your other thread, I think the best way for you guys to start exploring is to put the idea of a triadic relationship on the back burner for now, and just concentrate on navigating the waters individually for a bit. I think in all honesty you will struggle if the dream is to find that unicorn who loves you both equally and wants to move in with you. Be open minded, and explore the other options. Relationships don't all have to culminate with cohabitation and a marriage ceremony, even if you are the type to fall in love very easily. So dating one-on-one needn't be incompatible with your existing relationship.
In terms of more specific advice, I guess a lot of it depends on what your actual reasons for opening up are. And by reasons, I mean, for each of you as individuals. Many people seeking a 'third' fall into the trap of thinking that it's because they just have soooo much goddam love to share, and that their amazing relationship, which is obviously amazing in every possible way and could never be threatened by anything, would be finally complete if only they met that one special girl who would understand…and I'm gonna stop there and give a giant eye-roll! Because these are not reasons to do something. If anything, they are reasons not to do something. These are things couples say to each other to avoid having difficult conversations about what the people in that relationship really want. They are platitudes. And they are cliches, because they tell you absolutely nothing about anything. Who doesn't have a lot of love to share? Who would be in a relationship that they didn't consider to be amazing? Why are these 'reasons' for opening a relationship, or seeking to start a triad?
Others may disagree wholeheartedly, but I strongly believe that each individual needs a reason (or many) to put themselves through what is often a painful adjustment, and that the relationship you already have with someone should be a complete and whole thing already. For me, my reasons are this: I want more freedom than monogamy allows. I don't want to be co-dependent with my partner, but for us both to be strong individuals acting on a mutual desire to be together. I want the freedom and autonomy to explore sexual and romantic relationships as and when I encounter them. I want an opportunity to work on my insecurities and grow as a person. I enjoy sexual variety and want to experience as much of that as I can before my life gets too busy. I love my partner and recognise that she has a fierce independent spirit; part of loving that about her makes me want to provide a space for her to explore that too. I feel confident of the strength of our bond to each other. I feel confident that I understand her reasons for wanting an open relationship, and that we communicate well. I am not afraid to leave my relationship if it's the best thing for me or for her. And so on...
Everyone goes into this looking for different things. My open relationship isn't about bringing me closer to my partner, it's about bringing me closer to myself and her closer to herself. Make sure you know why you are doing it, and why your partner is too. And remember, when you and your partner start dating the same person, they are not being absorbed into your existing relationship - you are just forming three new ones: her to new-girl, you to new-girl, and you and her and new-girl together. Your own relationship to your current partner is an independent thing. Your individual relationships with new-girl may change YOU, and in so doing, affect your relationship with each other in some way, but you are not going to be replacing or up-grading or otherwise losing that relationship to the new one you are building. So on the one hand, that's great: dating other people (even if it's not the same person) cannot directly affect the existing relationship you have, so don't be afraid of that. On the other hand, if your existing relationship has problems this is not going to fix it, because dating other people cannot directly affect the existing relationship you have. So be clear about what this can and cannot do for your life now before proceeding. Research as much as you can, share what you learn with each other, ask each other interesting hypothetical questions (e.g. 'how would you feel if I had a date and you hadn't met anyone you liked?' 'would you ever want kids with someone other than me?' 'could you imagine us going on holidays together and bringing your lover? our lover?' 'what would your mum think about this, and would you want to tell her?'). Be honest with each other, always. Never be scared to ask for something you need or want, but know the difference between the two and be prepared to compromise. Basically, be brave and love each other. Easy, right?
