So I debated between putting this in the introduction section, and here... I decided here because of the two, the introduction is way shorter and yeah.. 
So Hi! I'm new here, though not new to polyamory..
My husband (G) and I have been married for about 14 years, and have had a semi-open relationship from the beginning ("The door is closed, but it's not locked.").. Around 3 years into our marriage, what started as a VERY fun night with a friend grew into a long term relationship.. I ended things with the woman in question after about a year, but she and G stayed a couple on and off until this summer.
After that, I really never found anyone after that that struck me as attractive, mature, smart and toppy enough to be appealing (I'm not bisexual, I'm topsexual. I like being a strong, independent woman, but I like having a safe space to be not-strong, whether someone strikes me as a top is WAY more important than their gender). Until 2012, when I started to develop a hell of a crush on a friend (J), but.. Man, poly can lead to a shit ton of drama, and I was leery of opening up to someone if it wasn't going to do anything but mess everything up.
In January of this year, I decided that I was being stupid and that after almost 3 years of increasing feelings, it was stupid to not explore this. So we talked, and decided to see what, if anything, there was. He was honest that he wanted a wife and child.. Well, I'm fixed, and cannot offer a traditional spousal relationship.. so i said I understood and respected that, and off we went.
And the last 9 months were.. amazing.. We just enjoyed each other, whether it was curled up on the couch watching stupid zombie movies, or other more adult activities. I fell stupidly head over heels in love with him, and would have created all kinds of chaos in my life to have a V with "my boys" (for those who are Doctor Who fans, yes, I had my boys and my ship). He loves me, but.. not as much as he loves the idea of a traditional family.
And I failed at the first rule of poly... Remember the rules upon which the relationship was founded. And finding a woman who will let me stay in his life as more than a friend limits his ability to find what he wants too much. *sigh* This hit me upside the head last week..
The worst part of this is that he's heartbroken because I'm hurting... and because I'm having to suddenly make changes to our relationship to reinforce the reality in my brain so that I don't do this again (I have stopped using the boyfriend term to describe him, I returned his favor (we're re-enactors, and it's a tradition that you carry some token from your partner/s), and am no longer talking about anything beyond the present.
I feel like SUCH a moron.
I know better. He never lied, he never said that he wanted me badly enough to give up his dreams.. Yeah we had some what-if conversations about him finding a poly woman who could be his primary and G's secondary (yeah, we totally were hoping for a unicorn and then some.. lol).. But it was always right up there with winning the lottery and building a commune.
I guess I'm not really looking for advice, so much as a place to vent a little... I can't bring myself to vent to G because.... He's been so supportive and amazing through all this, and I do not want him feeling like he's "not enough".. I can't vent to J, because, well.. yeah.. It's not fair to be heartbroken at him for doing exactly what he said he was going to do.. Annnd most of my friends don't really understand poly, or approach it very very differently than I do..
Seriously, I feel like such an idiot.
So Hi! I'm new here, though not new to polyamory.. My husband (G) and I have been married for about 14 years, and have had a semi-open relationship from the beginning ("The door is closed, but it's not locked.").. Around 3 years into our marriage, what started as a VERY fun night with a friend grew into a long term relationship.. I ended things with the woman in question after about a year, but she and G stayed a couple on and off until this summer.
After that, I really never found anyone after that that struck me as attractive, mature, smart and toppy enough to be appealing (I'm not bisexual, I'm topsexual. I like being a strong, independent woman, but I like having a safe space to be not-strong, whether someone strikes me as a top is WAY more important than their gender). Until 2012, when I started to develop a hell of a crush on a friend (J), but.. Man, poly can lead to a shit ton of drama, and I was leery of opening up to someone if it wasn't going to do anything but mess everything up.
In January of this year, I decided that I was being stupid and that after almost 3 years of increasing feelings, it was stupid to not explore this. So we talked, and decided to see what, if anything, there was. He was honest that he wanted a wife and child.. Well, I'm fixed, and cannot offer a traditional spousal relationship.. so i said I understood and respected that, and off we went.
And the last 9 months were.. amazing.. We just enjoyed each other, whether it was curled up on the couch watching stupid zombie movies, or other more adult activities. I fell stupidly head over heels in love with him, and would have created all kinds of chaos in my life to have a V with "my boys" (for those who are Doctor Who fans, yes, I had my boys and my ship). He loves me, but.. not as much as he loves the idea of a traditional family.
And I failed at the first rule of poly... Remember the rules upon which the relationship was founded. And finding a woman who will let me stay in his life as more than a friend limits his ability to find what he wants too much. *sigh* This hit me upside the head last week..
The worst part of this is that he's heartbroken because I'm hurting... and because I'm having to suddenly make changes to our relationship to reinforce the reality in my brain so that I don't do this again (I have stopped using the boyfriend term to describe him, I returned his favor (we're re-enactors, and it's a tradition that you carry some token from your partner/s), and am no longer talking about anything beyond the present.
I feel like SUCH a moron.
I know better. He never lied, he never said that he wanted me badly enough to give up his dreams.. Yeah we had some what-if conversations about him finding a poly woman who could be his primary and G's secondary (yeah, we totally were hoping for a unicorn and then some.. lol).. But it was always right up there with winning the lottery and building a commune.
I guess I'm not really looking for advice, so much as a place to vent a little... I can't bring myself to vent to G because.... He's been so supportive and amazing through all this, and I do not want him feeling like he's "not enough".. I can't vent to J, because, well.. yeah.. It's not fair to be heartbroken at him for doing exactly what he said he was going to do.. Annnd most of my friends don't really understand poly, or approach it very very differently than I do..
Seriously, I feel like such an idiot.
