So, a about 2 1/2 years ago, I was really happy to be poly. I lived alone. I'm kinky, bi, and a switch (and was sort of a unicorn). I spent my weekends with a couple, and spent about one weeknight a week with each of three other folks I was dating (who all had their own primaries, so I was fine being secondary-ish). I didn't really feel like the hierarchy model was necessary, but I was fine with them putting me in a secondary space.
I actually felt like I was my own primary. I had a lot of sex, a lot of affection, and (being bi) I enjoyed the fact that I had partners of various genders (3 cis guys, 1 femme cis woman, 1 trans guy), and they were all very different kinds of people. It was stimulating and fun.
Then I met Squirrel. Squirrel is a cis woman, butch dyke, super cute, queer and feminist identified, and a kinky bottom. If I have a type, it's her.
We went googoo eyes all over each other immediately. I knew I didn't have room for another relationship, but we went on a date. Smitten. Hearts were floating around my head, bluebirds were singing.
Squirrel was in a relationship with B. Their relationship was rocky. I knew it wasn't wise to get involved, but I was smitten, so I did anyway.
Of course, my plate was full, and there are only so many days in a week. As much as I wanted to believe that I had endless energy and love, I didn't.
And a little more back story-- one of the cis guys I was with had a lot of jealousy. I'd been with him for some years, so we tried therapy, but it was still rough.
The more I fell for Squirrel, the less energy I had for others. One of the relationships I had was with a sweet guy who I didn't have much in common with, and it ended gently. The trans guy (who I was actually crushed on kind of hard) found that he needed to focus on his home relationship, and it ended. The relationship with the couple (including the jealous guy) came to an end. One at a time, the other relationships came to an end, and some shifted to friendships.
This was all over the course of a year. About halfway through that, B broke up with Squirrel. Or rather, began a long drawn-out breakup process.
And what I really want to write about is me and B. From the beginning, I put a lot of energy and effort into supporting their rocky relationship. Half the time that Squirrel and I made plans, something would come up with B and the plans would be cancelled. I didn't complain. (Honestly, it gave me some rare time to myself, which I enjoyed, even though I missed Squirrel.) When Squirrel told me about the rockiness between her and B, I encouraged her to be kind to B, to see where she was coming from.
Originally, I rather liked B. I didn't have much contact with her, but I appreciated her politics and her art, and as I cared about Squirrel, I cared about what Squirrel cared about. Squirrel loved B, so I felt warmly towards B.
As they broke up, I tried to give them space. Support. My position-- if you can make the relationship work, then make it work. If you can't, then find a way to love each other as friends.
The break up went on for months. Meanwhile, I was reconsidering whether poly was the thing for me. As stimulating as it had been to have so many loves, it was also a distraction from being with myself. Obviously, I was in therapy doing some hard work at this time (with a therapist who was very pro-poly). And the harder I fell for Squirrel, the more I knew... I wanted a partner. A home. A spouse, even. And time to myself, too.
And yeah, I wanted it to be Squirrel. But if it wasn't going to be her, then I wanted to make room to start looking for someone like her.
Since I wanted to support her relationship with B, I didn't tell her this. For months and months, I kept it from her. Then one night, I took ambien, and we went to bed together. And after telling the ambien walrus in the closet that I might indeed like to bake and eat a cake, I stumbled and told Squirrel how I felt.
A couple months later, she asked me to marry her.
Yes, this was fast. Timeline: We met in June 2012. Squirrel and B broke up in March 2013, and my other relationships ended between Aug 2012 and May 2013. Squirrel and B were still living together and getting break-up therapy in August 2013, when Squirrel proposed to me.
Meanwhile, I haven't had much contact with B. I'd found out in July that she didn't want to share social space with me, and given their ongoing break-up stuff, I understood that.
In October 2013, things got a little rough. Squirrel had to change medication, and was still living with B for financial reasons, and the strain of their breakup was a bit much. She needed a little more personal space. I gave her space, told her not to worry about the future, about marrying me (which I wanted, but I could wait until everything had settled down before we talked about it as an option). This wasn't easy, but it's what was needed.
There was one rough weekend when I thought she might be breaking up with me. I sent her a note, copied her best friend, and told her to take some time to figure it out. I would wait for her.
Three days later, she showed up. Stayed the night. And the next. And the next. I didn't talk about commitment or anything, but cleared out some drawers and made a space for her dog to sleep. That's when she moved in. She still paid the rent for B, but lived with me.
About a month later, she told me that B thought it was my fault that B and I weren't more friendly. B thought I should have reached out more, to try to develop a social relationship, at least. I'm often sort of quiet and reserved, so I concluded that when I thought I was giving B space, B must have thought I was being rude.
I wrote B a letter, apologized for being rude, invited her to be friends, or at least friendly, either now or some time in the future, recognizing that my relationship with Squirrel might make her feel awkward at the moment.
B exploded. She told me that she didn't know Squirrel and I were together. She thought Squirrel had broken up with me, and wanted to get back together with her. She knew Squirrel was staying with me, but thought we were just platonic. She knew Squirrel had proposed, but had made Squirrel promise not to marry me. She knew that Squirrel hadn't been speaking to her hardly at all in the last month, but thought things were going to warm back up, since Squirrel was still paying the rent. Clearly, she said, Squirrel had been lying to both of us.
This was confusing, but after discussing the matter in some detail, I concluded that this is what happened: Squirrel told B that she wanted to marry me. B exploded. Squirrel was overwhelmed, fielded several tearful encounters, decided she didn't know what she wanted to do, and told both of us she needed some space. Then, when she moved in with me and things stabilized with us, she just didn't say anything to B. And some of the things B said to me were falsehoods intended to try to break up me and Squirrel.
That's what really gets me. She suggested that Squirrel was involved with someone else, that Squirrel had been begging to get back together with her, that Squirrel had said, in writing and in front of other people, that she and I were over. There was no writing, and the other people could not be identified.
And when it didn't work, she stopped talking to both of us. Their lease finally ended, and they divided their stuff with as little personal contact as possible. And B is now out of our lives.
That was at the end of 2013. In March, 2014, Squirrel and I went to NY and got married. I know, right? Very fast. But I am still absolutely head over heels for her. We live together very well. We are ridiculously cute and affectionate. We have complementary baggage, so we take care of each other well. Our closest friends agree that we both seem happier than we have in many years.
But we're not poly. I made my decision to be monogamous because I learned that I'm happier focusing my energy on one romantic partner, and saving the rest of my energy for the other things that make me happy. This is my personal decision and I wouldn't expect anyone else to feel the same way, so I'm not writing this to discourage anyone from being poly.
Squirrel never wanted to be poly to begin with, but B had demanded that they do so. Her earliest poly experiences involved B cheating (having unprotected sex after they had agreed to use protection, lying about it until months after the fact), so she was a little raw from that. That had a lot to do with the rockiness of their relationship, but it wasn't their only problem. Squirrel is *really* unhappy with poly, and doesn't want to be poly again. She's also just really, really bad at it, because she doesn't maintain good communication when communication means conflict, and she's avoiding conflict.
So if you've read this far (thank you), I have a few pieces of advice:
If your lover and their metamour are having a rough time, check in directly with the metamour from time to time, just to make sure that communication lines are open where they need to be open.
If you're scared to communicate something with a person in your relationship network, that's something you probably really, really need to say. Bake cookies, get comfortable, and say it.
And I also have a request for advice, but this thread is already too long, so I'll include it in a comment.
I actually felt like I was my own primary. I had a lot of sex, a lot of affection, and (being bi) I enjoyed the fact that I had partners of various genders (3 cis guys, 1 femme cis woman, 1 trans guy), and they were all very different kinds of people. It was stimulating and fun.
Then I met Squirrel. Squirrel is a cis woman, butch dyke, super cute, queer and feminist identified, and a kinky bottom. If I have a type, it's her.
We went googoo eyes all over each other immediately. I knew I didn't have room for another relationship, but we went on a date. Smitten. Hearts were floating around my head, bluebirds were singing.
Squirrel was in a relationship with B. Their relationship was rocky. I knew it wasn't wise to get involved, but I was smitten, so I did anyway.
Of course, my plate was full, and there are only so many days in a week. As much as I wanted to believe that I had endless energy and love, I didn't.
And a little more back story-- one of the cis guys I was with had a lot of jealousy. I'd been with him for some years, so we tried therapy, but it was still rough.
The more I fell for Squirrel, the less energy I had for others. One of the relationships I had was with a sweet guy who I didn't have much in common with, and it ended gently. The trans guy (who I was actually crushed on kind of hard) found that he needed to focus on his home relationship, and it ended. The relationship with the couple (including the jealous guy) came to an end. One at a time, the other relationships came to an end, and some shifted to friendships.
This was all over the course of a year. About halfway through that, B broke up with Squirrel. Or rather, began a long drawn-out breakup process.
And what I really want to write about is me and B. From the beginning, I put a lot of energy and effort into supporting their rocky relationship. Half the time that Squirrel and I made plans, something would come up with B and the plans would be cancelled. I didn't complain. (Honestly, it gave me some rare time to myself, which I enjoyed, even though I missed Squirrel.) When Squirrel told me about the rockiness between her and B, I encouraged her to be kind to B, to see where she was coming from.
Originally, I rather liked B. I didn't have much contact with her, but I appreciated her politics and her art, and as I cared about Squirrel, I cared about what Squirrel cared about. Squirrel loved B, so I felt warmly towards B.
As they broke up, I tried to give them space. Support. My position-- if you can make the relationship work, then make it work. If you can't, then find a way to love each other as friends.
The break up went on for months. Meanwhile, I was reconsidering whether poly was the thing for me. As stimulating as it had been to have so many loves, it was also a distraction from being with myself. Obviously, I was in therapy doing some hard work at this time (with a therapist who was very pro-poly). And the harder I fell for Squirrel, the more I knew... I wanted a partner. A home. A spouse, even. And time to myself, too.
And yeah, I wanted it to be Squirrel. But if it wasn't going to be her, then I wanted to make room to start looking for someone like her.
Since I wanted to support her relationship with B, I didn't tell her this. For months and months, I kept it from her. Then one night, I took ambien, and we went to bed together. And after telling the ambien walrus in the closet that I might indeed like to bake and eat a cake, I stumbled and told Squirrel how I felt.
A couple months later, she asked me to marry her.
Yes, this was fast. Timeline: We met in June 2012. Squirrel and B broke up in March 2013, and my other relationships ended between Aug 2012 and May 2013. Squirrel and B were still living together and getting break-up therapy in August 2013, when Squirrel proposed to me.
Meanwhile, I haven't had much contact with B. I'd found out in July that she didn't want to share social space with me, and given their ongoing break-up stuff, I understood that.
In October 2013, things got a little rough. Squirrel had to change medication, and was still living with B for financial reasons, and the strain of their breakup was a bit much. She needed a little more personal space. I gave her space, told her not to worry about the future, about marrying me (which I wanted, but I could wait until everything had settled down before we talked about it as an option). This wasn't easy, but it's what was needed.
There was one rough weekend when I thought she might be breaking up with me. I sent her a note, copied her best friend, and told her to take some time to figure it out. I would wait for her.
Three days later, she showed up. Stayed the night. And the next. And the next. I didn't talk about commitment or anything, but cleared out some drawers and made a space for her dog to sleep. That's when she moved in. She still paid the rent for B, but lived with me.
About a month later, she told me that B thought it was my fault that B and I weren't more friendly. B thought I should have reached out more, to try to develop a social relationship, at least. I'm often sort of quiet and reserved, so I concluded that when I thought I was giving B space, B must have thought I was being rude.
I wrote B a letter, apologized for being rude, invited her to be friends, or at least friendly, either now or some time in the future, recognizing that my relationship with Squirrel might make her feel awkward at the moment.
B exploded. She told me that she didn't know Squirrel and I were together. She thought Squirrel had broken up with me, and wanted to get back together with her. She knew Squirrel was staying with me, but thought we were just platonic. She knew Squirrel had proposed, but had made Squirrel promise not to marry me. She knew that Squirrel hadn't been speaking to her hardly at all in the last month, but thought things were going to warm back up, since Squirrel was still paying the rent. Clearly, she said, Squirrel had been lying to both of us.
This was confusing, but after discussing the matter in some detail, I concluded that this is what happened: Squirrel told B that she wanted to marry me. B exploded. Squirrel was overwhelmed, fielded several tearful encounters, decided she didn't know what she wanted to do, and told both of us she needed some space. Then, when she moved in with me and things stabilized with us, she just didn't say anything to B. And some of the things B said to me were falsehoods intended to try to break up me and Squirrel.
That's what really gets me. She suggested that Squirrel was involved with someone else, that Squirrel had been begging to get back together with her, that Squirrel had said, in writing and in front of other people, that she and I were over. There was no writing, and the other people could not be identified.
And when it didn't work, she stopped talking to both of us. Their lease finally ended, and they divided their stuff with as little personal contact as possible. And B is now out of our lives.
That was at the end of 2013. In March, 2014, Squirrel and I went to NY and got married. I know, right? Very fast. But I am still absolutely head over heels for her. We live together very well. We are ridiculously cute and affectionate. We have complementary baggage, so we take care of each other well. Our closest friends agree that we both seem happier than we have in many years.
But we're not poly. I made my decision to be monogamous because I learned that I'm happier focusing my energy on one romantic partner, and saving the rest of my energy for the other things that make me happy. This is my personal decision and I wouldn't expect anyone else to feel the same way, so I'm not writing this to discourage anyone from being poly.
Squirrel never wanted to be poly to begin with, but B had demanded that they do so. Her earliest poly experiences involved B cheating (having unprotected sex after they had agreed to use protection, lying about it until months after the fact), so she was a little raw from that. That had a lot to do with the rockiness of their relationship, but it wasn't their only problem. Squirrel is *really* unhappy with poly, and doesn't want to be poly again. She's also just really, really bad at it, because she doesn't maintain good communication when communication means conflict, and she's avoiding conflict.
So if you've read this far (thank you), I have a few pieces of advice:
If your lover and their metamour are having a rough time, check in directly with the metamour from time to time, just to make sure that communication lines are open where they need to be open.
If you're scared to communicate something with a person in your relationship network, that's something you probably really, really need to say. Bake cookies, get comfortable, and say it.
And I also have a request for advice, but this thread is already too long, so I'll include it in a comment.
