Levels of Communication

[Cardinal]

I'm curious what an appropriate level of communication is about a partner with another partner. I recently ended my relationships with a couple people for personal reasons, nothing they did wrong I'm just struggling with some personal stuff; so maybe this stems from a new imbalance I've created. My wife and I used to talk about our relationships/prospective partners pretty openly. We've tip toed past many first experiences without hurting the others feelings or being unkind. Now she's expressed alarm that I am not interested in talking about a new and very serious interest she has. He's successful, well put together, attractive, comes loaded with almost no baggage so I don't find myself curious about him, threatened, jealous, anything really. It seems to alarm my wife a great deal. I'll talk about him but I won't bring it up and don't have much to say on the matter.

I'll be perfectly honest I feel very indifferent about it. Her other relationship interests rang bells and alarms. I also have nothing to say about my relationship interests because there aren't any, which seems to cause a little of the discomfort as well. She has a need for communication I can't seem to meet at the moment..

 

[anamikanon]

I recently ended my relationships with a couple people for personal reasons, nothing they did wrong I'm just struggling with some personal stuff; so maybe this stems from a new imbalance I've created.

Maybe your wife is concerned that you seem to be disengaging from the lifestyle or whatever the personal stuff that you're struggling with is causing you to go into a silo.

Sometimes we need that, sometimes we hide from what we can't handle in one. This can concern partners if they don't understand what is going on. You've disengaged from your partners, you have nothing to say about your love life, nothing to say about hers. Put together, she may interpret it as being shut out. You may be shutting out, or you may have independent and unrelated reasons for each that simply happened at the same time.

He's successful, well put together, attractive, comes loaded with almost no baggage so I don't find myself curious about him, threatened, jealous, anything really. It seems to alarm my wife a great deal. I'll talk about him but I won't bring it up and don't have much to say on the matter.

Do you have a tendency to not discuss things that make you feel bad? She may be concerned that if you feel threatened or otherwise dislike (as opposed to *them* having issues), you may be being silent about it and not inclined to talk about that relationship - in other words, sulking quietly in your mind.

I'll be perfectly honest I feel very indifferent about it. Her other relationship interests rang bells and alarms. I also have nothing to say about my relationship interests because there aren't any, which seems to cause a little of the discomfort as well. She has a need for communication I can't seem to meet at the moment..

You do have one relationship interest - your wife. Who seems to be wanting to talk to you. Perhaps she needs to know that you care about her well being. Who knows, maybe she just needs you to share her happiness, that for once she has a partner who isn't a problem. You won't know, till you ask her. But then that would mean.... oops. Talk.

Or you may simply need space to be with yourself and whatever you are going through. It would get her off your back if you can tell her that with as much ifnormation as you feel comfortable giving or simply saying that you are in a quiety phase and need to .... be quiet on the front of romance and think things through for a while.

What is basically happening is that your wife is not able to understand your behavior and your explanations aren't conveying it adequately.

 

[Cardinal]

Noted.

I'll concede to a lack of understanding. The being withdrawn is a part of who I am, sometimes I disengage from reality. This used to manifest as extreme anxiety and depression but mostly I just use these periods to reflect on things anymore.

 

[lunabunny]

Makes sense. I was just about to ask you if perhaps you thought you were depressed. Sometimes - in fact, often - depression can manifest as a kind of emotional numbness rather than the more obvious intense sadness and crying fits. Especially if you are medicated, depression without much attendant anxiety may come across as a lack of interest/enthusiasm/joy/curiosity.

 

[FallenAngelina]

....sometimes I disengage from reality. This used to manifest as extreme anxiety and depression but mostly I just use these periods to reflect on things anymore.

Well, you buried the lead here, Cardinal!

Having lived with someone dx'ed with the same, I'll tell you that the experience can be extraordinarily disconcerting for the partner, as I'm sure you're aware. Your wife can't know when you're merely reflecting and when you're sinking into a black hole. Since "silence" is the hallmark of both, your silence and seeming indifference are going to trigger alarm in her. That you experience severe anxiety and depression is a HUGE factor here and explains everything about her worried response to your disinterest in her new person. Silence and indifference can be incredibly worrisome to the partner of someone prone to significant anxiety and depression.

 

[Refusnik]

Now she's expressed alarm that I am not interested in talking about a new and very serious interest she has.

Even after reading the subsequent posts in this thread, I still wondered if you asked her why it's alarming to her? Also, the need to withdraw to reflect on things is completely understandable however I think that's also different from not being interested. Does not having any internal emotional dialogue that you feel warrants sharing also mean that you're not interested in sharing what she wants to share about what she's going through? For example, there is a big difference between "this new relationship of yours hasn't really led to much emotional processing on my part however I'm still here as a supportive, listening ear for you" and "Meh, I'm fine, I'm not really feeling anything about it and don't have a need to talk about it." It's easy to speculate on why she may or may not be alarmed but only she can clear it up.

 

[PolyNatural]

I'm curious what an appropriate level of communication is about a partner with another partner. I recently ended my relationships with a couple people for personal reasons, nothing they did wrong I'm just struggling with some personal stuff; so maybe this stems from a new imbalance I've created. My wife and I used to talk about our relationships/prospective partners pretty openly. We've tip toed past many first experiences without hurting the others feelings or being unkind. Now she's expressed alarm that I am not interested in talking about a new and very serious interest she has. He's successful, well put together, attractive, comes loaded with almost no baggage so I don't find myself curious about him, threatened, jealous, anything really. It seems to alarm my wife a great deal. I'll talk about him but I won't bring it up and don't have much to say on the matter.

I'll be perfectly honest I feel very indifferent about it. Her other relationship interests rang bells and alarms. I also have nothing to say about my relationship interests because there aren't any, which seems to cause a little of the discomfort as well. She has a need for communication I can't seem to meet at the moment..

Okay, this is pretty simple. Your wife is excited about a new prospect and you're not. The tension comes from that imbalance. It's just something to accept. As you continue to move forward in time, situations and feelings might change and require some sort of review. In the meantime I see no reason not to simply carry on with business as usual. If you have any sort of relationship counsellor you both see, maybe schedule an appointment for you both. Just actively talking about it will probably help to some degree.

 

[kdt26417]

Hi Cardinal,

Refusnik is right, you need to ask your wife why she is alarmed. This would be the opening into a conversation in which you could reassure her. You just need to know what kind of reassurance she needs. Maybe what she needs to hear is, "I don't talk much about your new interest because I'm not worried about him. He seems like a great guy." Maybe she needs to hear, "I'm happy for you." Maybe, "I recently ended my outside relationships so, I don't have much to talk about in that area." Maybe she needs to hear a combination of things. But to figure out what she needs, you'll have to ask her what she's alarmed about.

Perhaps she needs to hear, "I'm not anxious or depressed, I'm just reflecting on some things." And maybe she hopes you'll share some details of your reflections -- if you're willing. Whatever it is, communication is the key -- it doesn't have to be a lot of communication, it just has to be good quality. And as I said, start by asking her exactly what it is that she is alarmed about. Then you'll have a better idea of what you could say.

I hope you guys can get this worked out. Keep us posted here if you're willing.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.