little quirks, that's me

Dagferi said:
I don't think the massage was an offer made in kindness. I think it was made to manipulate your feelings so she can still keep her status quo.
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That's an interesting point. Always makes one wonder intentions of others. And not knowing the conversation before the "offer" doesn't help either.

It just surprises me that a poly couple, wild orchid & the hunter, of over 15 years poly are having "issues". There's a trigger over there that I'm unaware of which is causing the hunter to have a problem with bassman and wild orchids relationship. The hunter is seeing a therapist now and on top of that stated over drinks with bassman and I he's polyfidelous. Which thinking about that a week later has me curious how that technically can be cuz I'm not in a romantic or sexual relationship with anyone in their V's except bassman and when I find another, nor will that individual.
 
Boy how many threads are there in this forum re. challenges in dividing your time equally and fairly? After almost 2 years I completely understand those challenges. Now that I honestly feel that my SO + OSO are equals in my heart, this has become a big challenge.

I completely subscribe to the notion of "quality time". My wife and I have certain agreements regarding that. If we are with our OSO's, texting between the wife and I is limited. In fact, I tell my OSO what I am saying so that she doesn't feel uncomfortable. She does the same with me and we all find it works very well (no feels left out). Also, when my wife and I are in bed for the night we keep communication limited, esp. if there are issues between us. Sometimes we forget... just last week my wife and I spent an hour dealing with a "communication" problem between us, we were both pretty upset but resolved it the best we could. As soon as we both crawled into bed she started texting her OSO. I lost it!! :) I know she was not doing anything malicious but the timing was horrible and I was extra sensitive.

One last comment... I cannot understand why many people (poly or mono) use the threat of divorce to solve problems but have no intention in following through with it. It's like waving a gun in someone's face screaming "don't make me shoot" when you know full well there are no bullets.

~S
 
Squashking said:
One last comment... I cannot understand why many people (poly or mono) use the threat of divorce to solve problems but have no intention in following through with it. It's like waving a gun in someone's face screaming "don't make me shoot" when you know full well there are no bullets.

~S
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For me, it wasn't a threat, but truly where I am at in our relationship if interactions don't change. And he knows it's serious. Was he hurt by telling him that, yes. I wouldn't throw that out there unless it's where my head is. And as I said it wasn't an "ultimatum" between one relationship or another, only where our relationship seems to be dwindling to.

I won't be using the term again...we have to July for behaviors (each of us) to change. If not, then we'll figure out where we go from there. And July is quite a time frame for improvement for both of us.
 
alibabe_muse said:
I won't be using the term again...we have to July for behaviors (each of us) to change. If not, then we'll figure out where we go from there. And July is quite a time frame for improvement for both of us.
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It's great that you are both willing to try work on it. My (18 yr) marriage has COMPLETELY changed in the past 2 years. It is far more complicated and requires much more understanding and patience. But we have allowed each other to enter into a new world full of love, hope and fulfilment. It has challenged both of us, uncovering our beautiful and ugly sides. But it is that old love that gets us through the tough times when they arise.

Good luck alibabe!
 
After reading some posts lately, you know, the ones about it not being fair the boyfriend cancelled the date due to an emergency at home or that a trauma like trigger has caused the wife to need her "primary" partner.

When I lost compersion, it was exactly this. We had a major crisis happen, our van died, no second vehicle and I was freaking out. My husband did not stay home with me. He went for his overnight with his girlfriend.

I was a complete basket case. Now don't get this wrong, without the help of his girlfriend we had a vehicle to use for a few days, but renting a car until we figured it out was still an option. Rather than resolving the vehicle issue that day or the next, it got put off, but for me, I was stressing and freaking out, and on my own to try to think through the possibilities and options. Can't get financed so I felt way too overwhelmed (also had thyroid surgery 10 days prior).

Looking back, had husband made a decision to stay home with me that night. Discuss our options and what we could do or not do to fix it, I really feel, at least for me, the struggles I have right now would not be so intense or even there. It was a definite slap in my face. And it's caused me to not trust him.

And building that back, that's hard to do. It's why I tell him we're broken. It wasn't a "he should read my mind and know I'm upset", it was "i'm frickin freaking out, very obviously, and off you go on your merry way". And that's the burn that rubs me the most.

A big sigh of relief. Now I've pinned it down. It's just too bad I didn't figure this out earlier than today when it's too late to say "hey...remember when...yeah that's when my compersion died". We've made an agreement to not bring up things from the past.

Well I'm home today cuz pnutt has had pink eye and although I've had medicine for it in the house I never took him into the doctor so no note or prescription in his name to get back to school today. But I do go into work at 4 and will work late. But the relaxation I've had and the loving I'm getting from pnutt and princess has been well worth getting to work 13-14 hour days for the next 6 days.
 
It's a positive step that you now know where it started. I've read a lot of those posts. The truth is, I don't see how anyone can justify leaving someone they love in a crisis so they can have romantic time. It doesn't matter whether a partner is primary or secondary or tertiary, if they need you, you should be there for them unless something even more urgent is going on. I told Leo a long time ago that if his girlfriend needs him for an emergency, I expect him to go help her, but if I need him I expect him to be there for me. That's just not that hard to understand, is it? When you share finances, property, and children with someone, those things potentially increase the probability of a crisis just by being higher in quantity, but it doesn't make the crisis less important.

I wish you the very best in working through things and coming back to a point of trust and compersion. I understand how that feeling that just being with someone else was somehow more important than your immediate problem. Hugs!
 
Sometimes bassman can say things that make me feel like I might be a hypocrite. This week, I have had a few messages from a couple of cuties I'd like to meet. I am still working 6-7 days a week and my last "date" or more fwb sex was back in February. One of the guys...well I'd say if he's for real, he could have me hooked on him pretty quick and the other, well is punk rock and just interesting to me.

So the hooker guy...can't meet me on Friday and may be able to Saturday. I really wanted to Friday but...and I wanted the hooker guy (lol he is no prostitute so I may change my "name" for him after I actually do meet him) to say Yes on Friday and just forget about punk rock boy. But I don't want to pass up punk rock boy in case there is a connection, cuz I don't know until I'm face to face with anyone if there's a "connection".

Back to bassman...he asks this morning "you are going to have a date with punk rock guy and then the other one on Saturday"?

I responded, I have no clue yet.

Him: Well I'd like 24 hour notice.

Me: I'll have it figured out tonight". I figured if I don't plan on meeting until 8 pm, than having it figured out by 7 pm tonight should be within that 24 hour notice time frame.

Now...bass man is making me perceive "guilt" cuz going on a date with 2 different guys 2 nights in a row seems like, I think to him, like I'm taking advantage of the weekend. Hell no it's not. I've sat here for months, kinda twiddling my thumbs...thinking maybe I'm mono and to just accept I'll never meet any one.

Now this morning in our sleep, bassman asks if we can stop being polyamorous. I'm getting signs from him...the hooker guy...how I like him just from the texting interactions we've had...that bassman is feeling insecure and a bit jealous. He say's he isn't but words like that don't get spoken unless there's an insecurity.

Now...this 24 hour notice bit. Well I was so pissed last Friday morning when I found out I was lied to. Thursday night, Princess tells me Wild Orchid gave her the coloring book. I ask bassman "was wild orchid here today". He says "no, that book was from princess' birthday, a gift from my mom, don't you remember". But then...more little things, tell tale signs, said someone was over that day.

Next morning, Friday, I can't find Princess' lunch bag. Pnutt tells me it's in the back of wild orchid's car. So 2 and 2 come together in my mind and I am royally frickin p'od. No time for more details...but the point I'm making to myself is....

bassman has some double standards for me. It's ok for wild orchid to just drop by when ever she wants...but I have to give notice if I'm going to meet someone before I even know if I have a date. Argh...he makes poly difficult! ok vent over...back to work...and have a good weekend!:eek:
 
I met Hook on Sunday. Oh my! Every time I looked into his eyes, at him, I felt like I've known him, sometime from my past, years ago. Not possible.:p

Hook, very tall, dark and ruggedly handsome. As soon as we met, we kissed. He kissed me deeply, passionately. Our first meeting was a park in town. He lives across the state line but at least he's only 10-15 minutes away.

I haven't stopped smiling since he contacted me on Pof. I decided last July to be on there too, although limiting, I thought it is possible one I might connect with is there but not Okc.

Hook works lots and right now can see me once a week, weekends. I know i'd like more, down the road. For now, going slow is best cause I know I'm already on the precipice of NRE and I really just want to enjoy getting to know Hook more.

And we did fool around in his car. Definitely a huge physical attraction, chemistry between us...almost overwhelming. And....I'm discovering a new aspect of myself, the men, although minute, I connect with not just on a physical level, but intellectually (wonder boy) are around my age, go figure? :p

Yeah tax season is almost over!:D No more weekends for awhile. More opportunities to get back to the gym, enjoying the gorgeous spring weather. Just more time for myself.

I've completely gone through a 360 now there's a light at the end of the tunnel. Quality time issues are resolving between bassman and I. Just plain understanding the root of a fear, discussing it to now, roles are reversing again. I love and am so happy bassman is opening up to me. He's happy I've connected with Hook, yet has some fears of one day Hook pulling a cowboy.

I thanked bassman for his honesty, for getting "it" (insecurity, fear of abandonment) out there in the open.honestly his fears are just that. I really like Hook and would like for that relationship to grow in whatever path its meant to while still being committed and in love with bassman.

Here's to possibilities and having fun in a poly world. :p
 
Wonderful development you have their muse! Sounds like you hooked up with a black guy!
 
Ok cool
 
is it the deadline, yet?

I wish it was. Worked from home sat & sun (kinda nice) and today is my 8th day straight. Was up to 71 hours when I logged off last night. Tomorrow the boss is taking the entire (small) tax department out for drinks and dinner. We're done at 6 pm. Wednesday is a day off and then two days to work, then a 4day weekend (boss is paying for these days and I don't have to use my pto) then 2 days and then another 4 day weekend back in my home town for the 16 year old's soccer tournament.

Hook...can I just say he's dreamy. He wasn't able to meet this weekend. And last night...he sent the sweetest text and asked if I'd send him a face pic cause he misses me. (heart pitter patters).

Ok...just finished working over 5 hours from home (sick p-nutt) and will be heading in to the office once wild orchid picks up bassman from work.

Boy I've relaxed quite a bit. No issues with her coming over. He had to cancel their overnight tonight due to the teen being at a college campus some hours away for her honor class' science convention. Can't work late without teen or bassman here. Well now that I'm hooked into the office, I guess I could've worked from home later today...but Princess does not make that easy. Ever tried to work with a high energy 3 year old girl?:rolleyes:
 
Left work a little early with my co-worker. We headed to her place to let out the dog and to show me her home. Gorgeous up on the mountain, in the woods, with a gorgeous view of CDA Lake. It's resort community in some aspects...lots of tourists in the summer and fall.

While there, I had a few texts and one was from Hook. He had sent me a couple pics of him, no shirt on...man is he just...yummy. All these months, I dreamed of another, tall, dark hair...and I think I've been dreaming of him. I love that he instigated contact on pof. Love his bluntness...and when I told him what I was on pof for, that I am wanting a relationship, he's wasn't scared off. Yeah, it's going a lot slower than I'd like, but that's okay too.

I have realized I am still "open and looking" as 1 to 4 times a month, this is all Hook can give of his time to me, will not be enough. I'd like to just enjoy meeting new people and just seeing where it goes. And my mind goes to thinking of Hook and Bassman...

Lots of sexy times today with Bassman. He got kids off to their places so we were alone all day long. So nice...making love during the day, all day long.:D
 
On 3 of 4 days off. I'm bummed though. I tweaked my left hip so its been days off healing. When can a woman get a break, I yell at the charma in my life. :p

That's what I'll do just stick my tongue out to it. Life after tax season has not leveled yet. A soccer tournament across another state is on Friday. Super excited to head home (my old home where I grew up & lived as an adult for a bit), family and friends. And its Arts Walk too! Sports, fun & art all in one weekend.

That's how life hadn't leveled.

Hook is gone for two weeks. He is only a guy I'm pitter patter like a bit but keeping myself centered on this. I'm better off realizing that I won't be satisfied with minute (not the time word) interactions and so I've been talking with a few different blokes but nothing exciting.

Dating or poly, which is harder?
 
Weird things started happening this last weekend. Basically 4 of the guys I've had a date with contacted me in the last few days.

Kickboxer was first but he gets a hold of me at plain random moments. Pretty much out of the blue at any hour of the day. Guess it's when he's not in class, working or has his boys. And he's in the category of random fwb.

I never gave this one a name, many months back. The 2nd military guy, manic depressive (his words when we met)...around the end of Oct. Sends me a text about (he's a pathologist) a patient who pretty much almost died and he called the nurses and doctors on it. Kinda...not completely from left field. Like, um, we haven't talked in how many months, aside from his in the middle of the night, possibly feeling lonely moments, about how he'd like to see me again. I never did respond to that one. But then he sends me selfies.

to be cont later, princess is awake from an early evening nap.
 
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LOL this is threw me for a loop yesterday. Puker...yep he text'd me. Said he "missed the good time we had" up until he lost it and blacked out. I haven't responded back. Dude meditated and called to tell me I am a bad person and how polyamory is just wrong. Maybe he forgot that call? Or he's got some too crazy for my cup of tea thing going on...I think I'll stay away from that.

Big sigh...and then Mechanic text'd me today. The 22 year old...air force. We had a tryst for a 3rd time, but pretty much a second round at attempting to connect. Hmmm...communicating he's pretty terrible at. LOL thought I was "unimpressed" (yes his word) with him. Honestly, in a way, the intellectual side, was very unimpressed. I do like him, but that coming full circle, so to speak, kinda changed my assessment of what I "liked" about him.

And from that discovery and meeting wonderboy as well as hook, in addition to reconnecting with someone prior to poly yesterday, I know that for an intense emotional relationship with anyone, the closer to my age seems to be more appealing to me now than a year ago. Physically, yummy yes's to the younger guys...and I won't say it can't happen but statistics are lining up. It's important for me to have an intense intellectual connection in addition to the physical chemistry to even think about a Significant Other type relationship.

Dang! What's that term? Epiphany has hit Ali. :D

Back on Mechanic...we text'd for a bit. He explained that because I didn't text him I made it home like I had before, he thought I moved on. I didn't text back because we never discussed a "relationship", just figured it was a fwb moment, naw NSA moment. Figured if the guy's interested, the interested I crave from another (that epiphany) he'd frickin' text me at least later that day if I hadn't to make sure I made it home (I live between 45-60 minutes away and between 3-4 am). EDIT and was during our snow storm.

And that, ladies & gentlemen, is truly the test of whether the person is worth my time.

Yesterday was the last of my 4 days off. My back still hurts but, well, I needed a pure physical release. Not sure of a name for my buddy. We reconnected via texts over a month ago. I was into him right before we met Nurse (PR). Friday I let him know about my days off and that Tuesday would be great to meet up. He came over yesterday (home all to myself & bassman was well aware of and very encouraging) for some play time. I think after playing we relaxed and just talked. He has more time in winter and early spring...construction field...picks up now.

Oh...some compersion going on right now. Bassman and Wild Orchid are kinda back to two overnights a week. He just left a bit ago. I'm smiling and happy. :D
 
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gosh when is there time

there's time when I make it happen.

Ok so the past boys...haven't really stopped trying to get me to meet with them. Puker - well he isn't even willing to admit he handled the situation with me in a bad way and is so, just so not aware of how he made me feel...not replying back to him. I did at first, to see where the conversation was heading...but it appears to just be about being lonely, possibly and I'm not into that.

Now the mechanic...was good and patient about me going out of town but did want an answer from me about seeing each other again. He actually fessed up on where he made assumptions, had wrong expectations and that he did hurt me.

Soo...I asked him point blank for this time around: is this to be a relationship were we get to know each other, do things together or is it just going to be nsa/fwb. His response was he wants to get to know me more and that the previous three times we've met, it seems one of us has the other's clothes off within 5 minutes.

He also said he felt like an asshole for always being tired and crashing when I visited.

It looks like Fridays I will be getting to know him, do activities and sexy times together. I also suggested to bassman that he and wild orchid, because it was a want of wild orchid's, that they move their current Thursday overnight to Friday and she is more than welcome to sleep over in our home. Unfortunately, she's going to some hot springs Friday but if Mechanic and I do evolve and continue it'll be on Fridays, so that by both bassman and I seeing our other on this day, we'll not loose a day with each other.

When we first started out, we agreed to him two overnights, me two overnights, which would leave us with 3 nights to be with each other (this is saying I have an OSO and he has an OSO). I've never had an OSO yet (yes plenty of hook ups but that was for sex only and only the mechanic did I stay as late as I could 4 am).

So bassman asked me "what about hook"? Well I don't think I'll be happy with having an OSO that could only see me once every four weeks or so. I would like to just be able to date both hook and mechanic, with a once in a while fwb thrown in there (I currently have two-kickboxer and my friend that I haven't figured a name for yet).

In all honesty, what I feel for hook far outweigh what I feel for mechanic, but I'm not going to pass up a relationship that does have potential for some good times and happiness....to find out hook just can't do it and there I go, wasting my time, waiting.

So I think I'm good with where my poly dating is heading. I'll see mechanic on Fridays...but if family things or traveling happens, I won't see him until the next Friday. I guess I need to make me a list of expectations and boundaries to discuss with mechanic Friday.

Okay, back to work, lunch break is over! :D
 
alibabe_muse said:
LOL this is threw me for a loop yesterday. Puker...yep he text'd me. Said he "missed the good time we had" up until he lost it and blacked out. I haven't responded back. Dude meditated and called to tell me I am a bad person and how polyamory is just wrong. Maybe he forgot that call? Or he's got some too crazy for my cup of tea thing going on...I think I'll stay away from that.

Big sigh...and then Mechanic text'd me today. The 22 year old...air force. We had a tryst for a 3rd time, but pretty much a second round at attempting to connect. Hmmm...communicating he's pretty terrible at. LOL thought I was "unimpressed" (yes his word) with him. Honestly, in a way, the intellectual side, was very unimpressed. I do like him, but that coming full circle, so to speak, kinda changed my assessment of what I "liked" about him.

And from that discovery and meeting wonderboy as well as hook, in addition to reconnecting with someone prior to poly yesterday, I know that for an intense emotional relationship with anyone, the closer to my age seems to be more appealing to me now than a year ago. Physically, yummy yes's to the younger guys...and I won't say it can't happen but statistics are lining up. It's important for me to have an intense intellectual connection in addition to the physical chemistry to even think about a Significant Other type relationship.

Dang! What's that term? Epiphany has hit Ali. :D

Back on Mechanic...we text'd for a bit. He explained that because I didn't text him I made it home like I had before, he thought I moved on. I didn't text back because we never discussed a "relationship", just figured it was a fwb moment, naw NSA moment. Figured if the guy's interested, the interested I crave from another (that epiphany) he'd frickin' text me at least later that day if I hadn't to make sure I made it home (I live between 45-60 minutes away and between 3-4 am). EDIT and was during our snow storm.

And that, ladies & gentlemen, is truly the test of whether the person is worth my time.

Yesterday was the last of my 4 days off. My back still hurts but, well, I needed a pure physical release. Not sure of a name for my buddy. We reconnected via texts over a month ago. I was into him right before we met Nurse (PR). Friday I let him know about my days off and that Tuesday would be great to meet up. He came over yesterday (home all to myself & bassman was well aware of and very encouraging) for some play time. I think after playing we relaxed and just talked. He has more time in winter and early spring...construction field...picks up now.

Oh...some compersion going on right now. Bassman and Wild Orchid are kinda back to two overnights a week. He just left a bit ago. I'm smiling and happy. :D
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Hope that back is getting better! Cool you are having fun with the young dudes in addition to Bassman and Wild Orchid:)
 
AlbertaRaven said:
Just reading your blog makes me feel like I'm in a whirlwind! How do you manage your time? You must be an extroverted personality to be able to deal with so many people! I wish I had that skill :)
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I'm not sure if I'm intro or extro verted (maybe just verted...perverted :D). I think it comes from having a birth sign of Capricorn...and when back in college I always took jobs as an assistant manager...dealing with phones, customers, employees just kinda built me for it, in some way. And even with my current job...I'm working on tax returns for one person going back to 2006 to 2013 and next thing I know a client calls and wants tax advice about 2014, guess I've adapted to multi-tasking ;).

There is one part of my life that is, at least for me, a failure (that's my laundry - I get it caught up and then wham bam it's back to mountains-at least the teen is able to do her own now). And housework. Ah...if not for Princess (the 3 year old) there wouldn't be any housework. And the family is begging me to get a puppy! The Rule: once the house stays cleaned and continues to be "clean" for at least two to three weeks, then I'll discuss puppy thoughts with the landlord.

Funny, I never thought about it as a whirlwind...it's just always has been like that. I do enjoy me time though. And that is Monday nights. Bassman is at Wild Orchid's and all the kids are asleep...then I just relax and do whatever appeals to me at that moment. It could be watching porn, it could be IM'ing, it could tv vegetation or at times...sleep lulls me before I even realize it. But in retrospect...yeah...ever since I started working again it does seem like it's been non-stop.

Ok...bad worker here...I'm bored...after getting through this client's 2011 return...I'm about asleep from the redundancy but I can't complain...if there weren't folks years and years behind I wouldn't be overwhelmed with my work load either. Those catch 22's...gotta love 'em. :p
 
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