Lonely and Frustrated

K

KayleeFrye

New member
Hey all, I guess I just need a place to vent. Hope this is the right part of the forum for this...

I tried polyamory a little over a year ago and loved it and decided I never wanted to go back to monogamous relationships. However, the relationships I had then ended, and now I've been single with no dates and barely any potentials for over a year now. My dream scenario would be to be part of a polycule of 3-6, maybe more, people who all live together and share both resources and the responsibilities of running a household and maybe raising children (I don't have any of my own, and don't think I want to, but I wouldn't mind being the cool "aunt" or whatever you'd call it). But seeing as how I can't even seem to find one person I'm interested in who wants to date me too, that dream is starting to feel unreachable.

I'm getting frustrated, feeling really lonely when I hear stories of people having the types of relationships I want, and I keep trying to figure out what's wrong with me or why I can't find someone. I know part of it is because in the area where I live, there aren't a lot of polyamorous people, and there also aren't many people who share my interests and values, which is important to me. But I also can't stop looking at all my flaws and wondering if they've doomed me to being forever alone.

I guess I'm just wanting some advice on how to deal with these feelings, and maybe also some tips on how to find someone(s) who would be interested in the kind of life I'm wanting.

Thanks for listening.
 
Hi KayleeFrye,

Sorry you are having trouble finding anyone to date. Have you tried OKCupid? That often helps.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
You're not alone - one of the known tradeoffs when it comes to poly dating is that it massively reduces your dating pool, but that's the price you pay for authenticity I guess. I think it's normal to go through phases of having lots of interest and very little interest. Sometimes you might be limiting yourself by seeking something very specific which blinds you to alternatives, but sometimes it's just how it goes for a bit. Hang in there, keep doing things that you enjoy and that make you feel good, and just be open to any opportunities that crop up. If online dating sites are not doing much for you, take a break from them and just focus on building your social network more generally. I find OKCupid is more interesting if you're not on there all the time. Take a 3 month break and then return to it - that way you'll hopefully start to see batches of new people on there instead of the same old faces, and you can be more discriminating yourself about who you approach instead of feeling the need to just immediately jump on the first newcomer that shows up. Use this down-time to work on yourself and take stock of other aspects of your life, and trust it will all come together eventually. :)
 
KayleeFrye said:
I keep trying to figure out what's wrong with me or why I can't find someone. ... I also can't stop looking at all my flaws and wondering if they've doomed me to being forever alone.
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This is your area to work on and it has nothing to do with the relationship style you seek. We always create our inner world on the the outside and that's why no relationship can ever save you from your dominant focus on your perceived shortcomings. Self perception is everything and the way to change your outer world is to first change your inner.
 
FallenAngelina said:
This is your area to work on and it has nothing to do with the relationship style you seek. We always create our inner world on the the outside and that's why no relationship can ever save you from your dominant focus on your perceived shortcomings. Self perception is everything and the way to change your outer world is to first change your inner.
Click to expand...

I've been working on this for a long while. I don't know if I'll ever overcome it completely. (At least part of it is a symptom of one or more of the multiple mental illnesses I have, so I doubt I can just make it go away by working hard enough at it.) But I don't think that means I'm not worthy of having a relationship until I have perfect love and acceptance for myself, and that's what I feel like people are saying when they tell me stuff like "don't worry about a relationship right now, work on yourself first, and a relationship will come when you're ready." I'm not looking for a relationship to "save me." I just would like to have someone to share my life with, both the good and the bad parts. I don't think there's anything wrong with me wanting that and wishing it would happen soon instead of telling myself that I'll just have to be single until some mythical point in the future when I have perfect self-assurance.
 
tenK said:
You're not alone - one of the known tradeoffs when it comes to poly dating is that it massively reduces your dating pool, but that's the price you pay for authenticity I guess. I think it's normal to go through phases of having lots of interest and very little interest. Sometimes you might be limiting yourself by seeking something very specific which blinds you to alternatives, but sometimes it's just how it goes for a bit. Hang in there, keep doing things that you enjoy and that make you feel good, and just be open to any opportunities that crop up. If online dating sites are not doing much for you, take a break from them and just focus on building your social network more generally. I find OKCupid is more interesting if you're not on there all the time. Take a 3 month break and then return to it - that way you'll hopefully start to see batches of new people on there instead of the same old faces, and you can be more discriminating yourself about who you approach instead of feeling the need to just immediately jump on the first newcomer that shows up. Use this down-time to work on yourself and take stock of other aspects of your life, and trust it will all come together eventually. :)
Click to expand...

I appreciate the advice. I haven't been on the dating sites non-stop or anything, I have taken breaks intermittently over the past year, and I do try to socialize. I live in a rural area, which makes it hard to meet new people at social gatherings
 
Have you looked into Facebook groups? Also I have had some luck with tinder. I am part of a pretty big community on Facebook and that has changed my entire life as far as being poly goes.
 
KayleeFrye said:
...I'm not worthy of having a relationship until I have perfect love and acceptance for myself, and that's what I feel like people are saying when they tell me stuff like "don't worry about a relationship right now, work on yourself first, and a relationship will come when you're ready."....some mythical point in the future when I have perfect self-assurance.
Click to expand...

There's no such thing as perfect self assurance, perfect self love and acceptance, so I'm not sure where you get this from. Of course you don't have to be completely at ease with yourself to share you life with someone. If that were so, none of us would have long term relationships. But relationships absolutely reflect our inner life to us. Relationships show us who we are and who we are is always ours to mold and change.
 
KayleeFrye said:
My dream scenario would be to be part of a polycule of 3-6, maybe more, people who all live together and share both resources and the responsibilities of running a household and maybe raising children . . .

I'm getting frustrated, feeling really lonely when I hear stories of people having the types of relationships I want, and I keep trying to figure out what's wrong with me or why I can't find someone.
Click to expand...
Actually, I think your dream scenario occurs very rarely! So, there is absolutely no reason to beat yourself up for not having what you think everybody else has.
 
Also, you say you live in a rural area. Would it be possible to consider relocating to a different kind of location?

I know a lot of people who just never even think of it...but I've up and moved hundreds of miles to some different place a few times in life...I've lived for significant periods in five different states in my life... And each time, when I switched employers, I got a huge increase in pay. Each time, my living situation improved. Each time, I learned to love my new home more than the one I left behind.

It is an option that I think more people who feel "stuck" should perhaps consider. Good luck!
 
Correct me if im wrong but it sounds like you are just solely looking for a couple..Have you ever considered starting with just another partner, who would be open to this, and build from there?
 
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