Long distance issues for this unusual V.

[kdt26417]

Hi lunabunny,

It sounds like your main concern is this trip J and B are going on in a week or two. You trust them up to a certain point, but they seem to disagree with you on what constitutes intimate behavior. Also even if they don't cross any lines, you are worried about how you will feel while they are on that trip. Perhaps you'll be very anxious and depressed. I think maybe you trust them intellectually up to a point, but maybe you don't trust them so much on an emotional level. I'm not sure what the solution is. Maybe if you could treat yourself in various ways during their trip. Maybe you can come to an agreement with them that they will contact you at certain times during their trip. Maybe you will contact them at certain times, when they'll agree to pick up when you call. It's hard to know how to get through something like this.

It sounds like future trips they go on may not be as much of a problem for you. It's just that this is the first trip they've gone on since the threesome. Does that sound right?

I hope you'll be okay ... and please keep us posted here. Let us know how you're doing before, during, and after the trip.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[lunabunny]

Hi lunabunny,
It sounds like your main concern is this trip J and B are going on in a week or two. You trust them up to a certain point, but they seem to disagree with you on what constitutes intimate behavior.

Yes. After returning home from the extended vacation during which the threesome occurred, any and all sexual intimacy was suspended for weeks while we three worked on our issues.

Since then I do believe we've reached a new understanding and are more or less on the same page. However I would agree that one of the main problems (even during our recent talks) is that they, and B in particular, hold different ideas about *where* the line between platonic and sexual intimacy might be located. I realise this can be a matter of opinion, preference and comfort levels, but am glad they finally accept that I am not flat-out "wrong" or "less evolved" because I hold a different view.

Also even if they don't cross any lines, you are worried about how you will feel while they are on that trip. Perhaps you'll be very anxious and depressed. I think maybe you trust them intellectually up to a point, but maybe you don't trust them so much on an emotional level.

It sounds like future trips they go on may not be as much of a problem for you. It's just that this is the first trip they've gone on since the threesome. Does that sound right?

Exactly! Due to several breaches in the past, major and minor, trust issues have plagued this relationship. Both mine with J and mine with B. And relationship history tells me that, anxiety-wise, I've reacted poorly to their trips away as a twosome in the past therefore I can expect to again - especially because that one incident is still fresh in my mind.

I'm not sure what the solution is. Maybe if you could treat yourself in various ways during their trip. Maybe you can come to an agreement with them that they will contact you at certain times during their trip. Maybe you will contact them at certain times, when they'll agree to pick up when you call. It's hard to know how to get through something like this.

All very practical and sensible suggestions, Kevin. Of late, my depression has certainly been hampering my ability to provide self-care, and to get out of my emotional rut and into the metaphorical and literal fresh air. I will definitely try to focus elsewhere while they're away together, and also make a list of what I might need to feel better/more secure, and ask them to honour that.

I hope you'll be okay ... and please keep us posted here. Let us know how you're doing before, during, and after the trip.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.

Thank you, Kevin, I will. (Tbh, I hadn't even thought of utilising this forum for direct support in that way.)

 

[kdt26417]

I'm pulling for you, hang in there. Any way I can help, let me know.