Long Term Love

FrouFrou

New member
I'm 41. I don't know if I define myself as polyamorous, but I have never jived with long term monogamy. Stretches of it are fine, but I feel most myself when I'm in two or more relationships simultaneously. I would never be able to live with myself if I cheated on a partner, and prefer for my partners to at least have access to each other, if not be friends independently of me. I feel like people who know each other can trust each other more fully; they can see what their 'competition' is, and realize that there IS no competition.

I am currently in two long term relationships. I just celebrated my eight year anniversary with my female partner Red. I am also in a domestic partnership with Verbs, the father of my child, and we have been together for seven years.

We are a drama free FFM vee, with me as the hinge. My partners are friends. We do not mix relationships, and while do I love threesomes, it's not something that we participate in.

Red has historically questionable ethics, and loves to push boundaries and behave recklessly from time to time. She is very beautiful, charismatic and creative. She is artistic and is very well educated. Red has other relationships from time to time - sometimes she chooses to be with monogamous men, and we have simply paused the physical aspect of our relationship (my choice, but those blips usually don't last long. The last two relationships she was in were contingent on us being partners as well, and her men embraced that aspect of her and met me in friendship. Good to see her moving towards honesty and integrity more. Red and I do not date other women as part of our relationship comfort structure; she gets jealous, and I see no reason to push her, or our relationship to explore other female connections.

Verbs is very stable, incredibly monogamous, very ethical and rooted in logic. He has a number of cerebral relationships with other women, and is friends with his exes in a comfortable way. He was in an FFM triad when he was younger, but it didn't last long; he prefers the simplicity of monogamy. Sometimes he toys with the idea of having a lover. We may explore that more over the long term.

They are both wildly intelligent, deep thinkers and our love and respect for each other is true and easy. I am definitely someone who is attracted to intelligence, and often find myself in deep, emotionally stimulating relationships with smart community builders and leaders. I fall in love easily and often, and have to reign in my natural desire to turn those flirtatious and mutually satsifying friendships into sexual connections. I am quite in love with four other people right now (one of whom I was with for some time previously and will likely never be out of love with), and I'm quite sure that it's mutual, but we leave it where it is because the complications would erode the nature of our connection, as they're monogamous and I have no time, energy or desire to pursue much else right now.

I don't know how much I have to offer this community, as really our life is not very exciting, just regular, plain old long-term non-monogamy. I suppose it just makes sense to share with likeminded people who don't approach relationships in a linear fashion. We have lots to learn from each other in life, and I overcame a lot of issues to be as peaceful as I am in my life.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Hello FrouFrou,

It sounds like you have a really nice V, thanks for sharing your story. When you post here on the blog board, usually others won't respond here, it'll just be you talking. If you have questions, or want feedback and advice, I recommend that you post in Poly Relationships Corner. And in general, I encourage you to explore our threads and boards, see what calls to you and post your thoughts. Welcome to our forum!

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 

FrouFrou

New member
Good week. Quiet. Lots of messaging with Red, although she's been VERY busy and we haven't connected for awhile. Miss hotel nights in the city, etc, but with the Pandemic we've both been staying closer to home, which means sexy weekends away have been replaced with dinners and chilling together. She's a glamour puss at heart, and not getting dressed up and going out to have fun is robbery! But, staying safe is the new cool, so, we're doing that for the time being.

Been working hard in my community these days, trying my best to make a difference. Good connections, lots of messaging and emailing, fingers in tons of pies, just doing my best.

Been pining for two exes lately. I think it's the isolation, just has me reminiscing. One sent me a long, romantic poem the other day and I spiraled for awhile. I don't think I'll ever be over him, but Verbs is a mono man, and our relationship is just not the sort that will allow for another dude in there. But oh, a girl can dream, dirty text up a storm, and have some sexy dreams whenever she so pleases.

I suppose poly life is meant to be more dramatic, but when you hit your forties the energy for those kinds of shenanigans is behind you. I've already made all of the mistakes and had enough threesomes to make my toes slightly curled for the rest of my life. Now it's just that slow, comfortable, easy grind and groove. I ought to do some juicy posts about my past at some point.

Hope everyone is keeping safe out there.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Things are pretty weird with the pandemic, aren't they?
Good to hear more of your story.
 

FrouFrou

New member
Quiet evening after a day of errands and dialing the house back down after a busy week. I've been working hard on a massive community project that came to a stalemate; I have the funding, I have the vision, I have the right people involved, but the proposed placement area for the work was denied this week, so in a way I'm back to square one. Not a great feeling, but I choose to embody water at times like this..... I pool and gather, and start looking for another avenue to start flowing. I typically achieve my goals, especially when my heart is wrapped up in them. This one might take a couple of years off and on, but I'm in the obsessive state right now with it. Verbs says that it's as though I become possessed by a demon when I start moving with my heart. I am engulfed with purpose and passion, and a strange flow of limitless energy begins to flow through me. I can work for weeks and weeks, 12 hours a day, and only become fatigued when things start fading out. I had a MAJOR success with a big project earlier this year, so the difficult nature of this one stings less, but it's still frustrating. I'll get there. Tenacity is a huge part of who I am.

Chatting with Martinez while typing. Man of my heart. I call him that to tick him off - he hates it - he's Czech, and is a very serious sort of man in general. He lived with me for three years, first as a tenant in my old collective house, and slowly, as a friend. We'd drink coffee together on the weekends and listen to classical music, cook meals with and for each other, and spent a lot of time just relaxing.

Last year we went away to do some research for one of my crazy projects in a small town in the mountains as a trio plus baby. I rented us a big house a few minutes out of town - he had the whole floor downstairs, living area on the second floor, and our little family on the top floor. One evening we wanted to go out, and Verbs and our son were settled at home, almost bedtime. We wandered downtown on foot, where there were outdoor DJs and busy pubs and settled in with a beer, sitting next to each other. About halfway in, we looked at each other in a strange way, and I was like FUCK. That moment. When friendship has changed into something else.... for me anyhow. I didn't give voice to it, but all of a sudden, everything was different. We left the pub, and were walking quietly with each other. I wanted to hold his hand. For him to kiss me. We stopped in front of the DJs and I danced and danced, that newly woken love snaking through me and making me laugh. So bizarre, not unwelcome, but ultimately pointless, as I knew he was moving back overseas in less than a month - not his choice, but complications with his work Visa made it impossible to stay.

All of the moments rushing back that seemed innocuous, now holding meaning. I wondered if that's why he loved to drive me around so much..... I always just assumed that Martinez loved to drive. He LOVES cars. Beyond the pale. Would happily be up to his elbows in thick black grease, tunes playing, using some wrench or another to drag out yet another unrecognizable part from the innards of a car engine. I've never met anyone so mechanically inclined in my life before, so in his element taking things apart and putting them back together better than before. He told me that I treated my car like a prostitute once, and I still laugh when I think about it.... he used to detail it beyond the pale - he'd take out my fuckin' seats to vaccuum under them, and detail the little rails that they slide back and forth on. When I had fancy galas to go to, he always offered to drive me. Hair and makeup would come to my house and primp and preen me into an extra glamorous version of myself. I'd be sheathed in tight dresses and draped in jewelry, gaining five inches with my shoes, perfect little handbag, a shawl... he'd wait at the door with an umbrella if it was raining and cover me as I went to the car, opening the door so I could slip inside. Such a gentleman, and an excellent driver. We like the same music, and talking wasn't always necessary for us; there's never been a space to fill between us. Just an effortless connection and easy rhythm.

When we got home from our trip, he sold his car, and so I offered him mine for his use, provided he'd take me to and from my jobs. Every morning he'd come shuffling out of his room, hair a mess, bleary eyed, make an espresso and then drive me to work. Companionship. Over a thousand mornings waking up in the same houses - he moved with me when I left my collective house behind, the last man standing, a strange combination of friendship bordering on family, and now, the insertion of love. Real love. Unspoken, but it was there. So many mornings spent in the car with him. After he left I found a heart drawn on the inside of my windshield, and I knew it was from him. Soon after a ring arrived in the mail for me.

It wasn't until he left that I felt the weight of it. As soon as he got in his friend's car to be driven to the airport I broke down. A huge piece of my heart in that car, hurtling through space and time away from me. The likelihood of our lives coming back together in such an intimate way again was so slim that the despair grabbed me for days. Crying in the shower. And then I said it. That I loved him. We were chatting, volleying back and forth, having fun, and I was like FUCK IT, he needs to know .... and he said it right back. That he had never met a woman like me before, and that he was worried that he'd be fucked for life because of it. That now, he'd compare them to me, and that he didn't know how to manage that. For weeks I lamented, he'd send me music, I'd send him poems, love letters with my lipstick kisses on them. When mail arrived from him I'd clutch it to my chest and run to read it by myself. I'd cry. He cried. He didn't sleep well for awhile, just wanting to 'come home' even though his Visas had expired.

Over a year later, we still write and talk to each other regularly, but I try to not burden our conversations with my emotions because it's not fair for either of us. There was an insatiable surge of feelings for a spell after he left that laid me flat. I considered wild possibilities and almost began negotiations to open my partnership with Verbs, knowing that it could spell certain disaster. I thought of selling my house and moving all of us overseas to be near him. I had dreams of flying to meet him in Greece for a holiday and just spending days pressed up against bright blue doors and white walls satiating hungry mouths and hands, swimming in the warm and salty sea, drinking wine and having picnics on the sand, and feeling that love bloom, and bloom endlessly in my ripe and willing heart. But, instead, like the mature woman I have become, I rode it out. Those days of wild love are behind me; I'm not that girl anymore. Life has slapped me across the face with a trout enough times to make me wise enough to appreciate a beautiful rainbow without frantically hunting for the gold at the end of it.

I think it's why I am 'poly' I NEED those bursts of passion and connection, of shared purpose and belonging. In some ways I feel that I have replaced the wild poly days of my past with heavy community work over the past few years - the subplots, the terrifyingly intimate and demanding relationships with cohorts for those few short weeks/months, or the grind of years of side by side plodding through bureaucracy and impossible obstacles and we just keep running at. I love to be swept up, swept away and to have passion take hold and pull me into its madness. Those perfect experiences and moments, where life is so steeped in bliss that it breaks me open, recreating me over and over again with its ebbs and flows. I love being alive, and I truly do love being in love.... I am built for it, and am built to be consumed whole by experience.

And so a year or so later, Martinez and I continue to chat regularly. I have no doubt that our love will last my whole life. A love like the one I have for him is steady, and the flame will never die. It is a part of me, and a part of my heart, and I have no desire whatsoever to extinguish it. In another life he would have stayed here, and I would have had a baby with him too, with two nesting partners who are good friends, two babies to grow up and be half siblings together.... I'm sure it would have been beautiful, fun and stable, because that's who we are all in our own, and our collective life.... but... in our story, he lives far, far away. He will marry another woman and have babies with her, and I will always be jealous of her for having that part of him. I take comfort in the fact that we will always know each other. I will still put both of my hands on the wall in my shower sometimes and cry for him. I will imagine what all of those car rides would have been like if he had been holding my hand.... and looking back, I honestly think that he was, I just couldn't feel it because his respect for me prevented him from ever reaching out and touching me.

Love is not always meant to be manifested through the flesh. Love comes in endless forms, and leaves you better for having come to you if you don't become bitter when it leaves. It can flow into other places in your life, and does not have to be focused on one, two, or five people.... it can touch everything that you do. And his love? His love has made me more resilient, calmer, stronger and more balanced. I am a lucky woman. And I will always, in some sense, be his.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
That's an intense post, FrouFrou. I did not know about Martinez, it sounds like you will always have deep feelings for him, and he for you. We can always hope that someday he'll live close to you, but for now it is enough that the two of you care about each other.
 
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