My fiancé and I enjoy going to the local swingers club, almost every week. She is bi-sexual, and enjoys encounters with like-minded couples. Generally, we try to find couples that are Genuinly connected. Often, the "couples" are not. At any rate, she would like us to find a single gal to play with. Of course, whatever works for her, works for me. We are a REAL couple, deeply committed, so a friend & playmate is all we are looking for. Never wanting to offend anyone, what's the best way to go about it?
Looking for a unicorn.
- Thread starter Dandb
- Start date
Bluebird
Well-known member
A REAL couple? As opposed to a FAKE couple? I don't understand what is meant by this. Or, is this an acronym for something? Are you meaning to say that because I have two husbands, our love isn't real? Since we are a V-shape instead of a couple, we are not deeply committed?
This IS offensive, as well as completely clueless. The love I have for my guys is intense, and not at all imaginary or "less than" your love for your single, individual fiancé.
I get you are coming here from a swinging mindset, where the original couple is to be protected and kept safe. I absolutely understand that mentality - I mean, I would be devastated if either of my loves decided to leave me. The difference is that I trust they won't.
In my opinion, "finding someone to play with" is fine, but not really polyamory. To me being poly means connecting with someone on a deeper level. I've done swinging, and I am poly, and the two are very different in my world.
The more I read your post the more I think maybe you are trolling. Couples that swing are "not genuinely connected?" How do you judge this from a single encounter at a club? And, if you are all there to get your rocks off, why does it matter? You say you're looking for a "gal" with no connections anyway.
This IS offensive, as well as completely clueless. The love I have for my guys is intense, and not at all imaginary or "less than" your love for your single, individual fiancé.
I get you are coming here from a swinging mindset, where the original couple is to be protected and kept safe. I absolutely understand that mentality - I mean, I would be devastated if either of my loves decided to leave me. The difference is that I trust they won't.
In my opinion, "finding someone to play with" is fine, but not really polyamory. To me being poly means connecting with someone on a deeper level. I've done swinging, and I am poly, and the two are very different in my world.
The more I read your post the more I think maybe you are trolling. Couples that swing are "not genuinely connected?" How do you judge this from a single encounter at a club? And, if you are all there to get your rocks off, why does it matter? You say you're looking for a "gal" with no connections anyway.
IndieSolo
Active member
A unicorn is a mythological creature that does not exist in real life!
That is why the phrase "looking for a unicorn" came to be used in the English language (not just poly circles) to mean someone who was seeking the impossible to find and has unrealistic dreams.
So, please don't say you are looking for a unicorn; that is actually an insult. You don't want to be pegged as unicorn hunters -- couples who seek single, bisexual women to "add to" their relationship, to move in with them before they even know her fully, and expect her to be sexually faithful to the couple only, and to love them both equally.
Of course, those are ridiculous expectations to lay on someone, and most unicorn hunters don't realize that, because they are so focused on what this hot bi babe will do for them, they forget that she will have a mind of her own, and individual needs, wants, desires, and baggage to be dealt with.
What can you do for her? How will being with you two benefit anyone? That is the question you need to ask yourselves! If it's just about sex, you are in the wrong place. Polyamory is about love and loving relationships.
Just date people, and don't insult them by thinking of them as unicorns, and don't expect nor demand that they have sex with both of you in threesomes only or cannot have separate relationships with each of you, or relationships with people other than the two of you. Date separately and if something comes out of it where you meet a woman you get along with who is interested in you bth, let it grow and develop organically.
People are not condiments, so you can't add them to your marriage like you would add ketchup and pickles to your hamburger. You can't have a role already planned for a person to fit into. You meet people, like you met anyone else you've been with in your life, and see if you hit it off.
That is why the phrase "looking for a unicorn" came to be used in the English language (not just poly circles) to mean someone who was seeking the impossible to find and has unrealistic dreams.
So, please don't say you are looking for a unicorn; that is actually an insult. You don't want to be pegged as unicorn hunters -- couples who seek single, bisexual women to "add to" their relationship, to move in with them before they even know her fully, and expect her to be sexually faithful to the couple only, and to love them both equally.
Of course, those are ridiculous expectations to lay on someone, and most unicorn hunters don't realize that, because they are so focused on what this hot bi babe will do for them, they forget that she will have a mind of her own, and individual needs, wants, desires, and baggage to be dealt with.
What can you do for her? How will being with you two benefit anyone? That is the question you need to ask yourselves! If it's just about sex, you are in the wrong place. Polyamory is about love and loving relationships.
Just date people, and don't insult them by thinking of them as unicorns, and don't expect nor demand that they have sex with both of you in threesomes only or cannot have separate relationships with each of you, or relationships with people other than the two of you. Date separately and if something comes out of it where you meet a woman you get along with who is interested in you bth, let it grow and develop organically.
People are not condiments, so you can't add them to your marriage like you would add ketchup and pickles to your hamburger. You can't have a role already planned for a person to fit into. You meet people, like you met anyone else you've been with in your life, and see if you hit it off.
Last edited:
As far as the "real couple" thing... In swinger circles, it isn't uncommon for a man and woman who are just friend, or fuck buddies, or even who barely know each other to *pretend* to be a couple in order to gain entrance to swinger events, or to lure in a third party. I'd be willing to give the OP the benefit of the doubt and say that by saying they're a "real couple," he just means that they are legitimately a couple as opposed to people who are just pretending to be one.
As far as the "unicorn" thing... what nycindie said.
As far as the "unicorn" thing... what nycindie said.
FallenAngelina
Well-known member
I'm going to also guess that "real" here means that you are romantically attached, with no further judgement implied. From your phrasing, I take that your romantic attachment to each other precludes the possibility of love developing with this proposed additional woman. This swinger-based premise has much more in common with monogamy than it does with polyamory, in which all relationships are "real."
Beyond that, the unicorn aspect has been addressed very well above.
Last edited:
Inyourendo
New member
www.adultfriendfinder.com is the website you're looking for
Bluebird
Well-known member
Wow. I never encountered this. The clubs & events I have been to don't discriminate against singles from attending, so I never saw anyone having to lie about their relationship status. There just wouldn't be any point, when couplehood isn't required. I concede that this isn't necessarily true everywhere.
I never attended any event with my long term partners present - I always went alone.Most swinger parties and clubs discriminate against single men, because otherwise there'd be several single men for every woman and couple present. Maybe this problem doesn't arise in some locations, but it's a real problem here. Not only do single men have to pay a higher amount for admission, they must also have permission from the event coordinator to attend, and/or be the guest of a registered couple. Some single men arrange to go with single women, but they aren't a "real" couple, and may even go their separate ways once admitted.
Anyway OP, swinger unicorns aren't usually looking for the same thing as poly unicorns even though both are difficult to find.
Anyway OP, swinger unicorns aren't usually looking for the same thing as poly unicorns even though both are difficult to find.
Last edited:
If you guys are so tight, what's wrong with your lady having feelings/ a real relationship with another woman? Would that somehow detract from the love she has for you?
I'm a bi woman totally open to dating a married woman, BUT I would say no way to getting with your fiancée. First of all, why is FWB/playmate all that's on the table? Is there some homophobia here, and you two think the only real romantic love can be between a man and woman? Wait, AND I'm expected to fool around with her man too? Absolutely not. I've got my own men, thank you ever so much.
If she's really interested finding a woman who doesn't bring her own man to the party, then she's got to make the same offer. It is a rare experienced, confident, nonmongamous woman that would let herself serve as a sex toy to a couple. You're best bet is probably to stick to swinging with other couples.
Last edited:
FallenAngelina
Well-known member
Pretty sure this is the underlying concept of swinging in general. Yes, having feelings/a real relationship does detract from the couple's love. That's the premise.
Swinging is monogamy with a little "different flavor" sex tossed in.
Last edited:
IndieSolo
Active member
Wow. I never encountered this. The clubs & events I have been to don't discriminate against singles from attending, so I never saw anyone having to lie about their relationship status. There just wouldn't be any point, when couplehood isn't required. I concede that this isn't necessarily true everywhere.
Yeah, in NYC and surrounding area, single men are rarely ever allowed into a swinger club, or they have to pay the same or even higher admission than a couple does, so males who want to go in will bring women who are either friends, someone they don't really know but found on places like Craigslist just to get in, or even hookers.
Single women are always welcome and usually free to get in, or deeply discounted. It's all just part of the whole M-F couple-centric view that it's cool to see your female partner get it on with another chick, but NEVER another guy. If single guys were allowed in just as easily as single women are, swingers would be afraid it would turn into a "sausage fest" - that's what they call it! They're so paranoid about penises!
Yep. We have plenty of swingers within my local, and I've experimented within the community. I'm just busting his chops, because I feel like swinging is largely homophobic, especially against women. All these supposedly "bisexual" women who use other women just to turn on their men, but their "real" relationships are with their husbands. I went to one party with some swinger friends, and when a few of the women started making out (not me) the men whipped out their cell phones and started snapping pics as if it was all for their gratification. And you can forget being accepted if you're a bisexual man. I've heard firsthand all the posturing and joking among the men to make it clear NONE of them has ANY gay inclinations, just because they're naked in front of other men....no WAY.
Hi Dandb,
I agree with Inyourendo that AFF is probably your best bet. A few other possibilities:
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
I agree with Inyourendo that AFF is probably your best bet. A few other possibilities:
- http://hotornot.com/
- https://fetlife.com/
- https://en.lovoo.com/#/
- http://www.okcupid.com/
- http://www.gotinder.com/
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
So sorry for the misunderstanding
What I meant by Real Couple, is two/three, whatever people in some kind of a committed relationship. All too often, the "couples" that approach, are single men, accompanied by a paid companion. I don't care what anyone does, but we prefer to share with those who are emotionally connected. If I'm on the wrong site, please accept my apologies. I had no intention of insulting anyone, or anyone's lifestyle choice. I totally believe that LOVE should be celebrated, wherever/however it is found.
What I meant by Real Couple, is two/three, whatever people in some kind of a committed relationship. All too often, the "couples" that approach, are single men, accompanied by a paid companion. I don't care what anyone does, but we prefer to share with those who are emotionally connected. If I'm on the wrong site, please accept my apologies. I had no intention of insulting anyone, or anyone's lifestyle choice. I totally believe that LOVE should be celebrated, wherever/however it is found.
playfulgirl
Member
Having been the single woman in a swinger context I can attest that sometimes is fun for a casual encounter. I would suggest looking at other sites though if you are looking for a playmate. Fetlife or adult friend finder will work. This site is more oriented to Real relationships where partners are treated as people and not sexual commodities.
It's true that polyamory has to do with emotional involvement (e.g. falling in love). But, as far as I'm concerned, you don't have to be poly to be a welcome member here.
Thanks for the clarifications Dandb, and I hope we've been of some help.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
Thanks for the clarifications Dandb, and I hope we've been of some help.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
IndieSolo
Active member
Agreed. You can keep coming here, lurk, post about your experiences, ask questions about polyamory, and so on. I just don't think this is a site where you'll find many people into swinging and NSA recreational sex who'd give you any better tips on meeting potential swinging partners than visiting swing sites, Adult Friend Finder, craigslist, etc.
Last edited:
For what it's worth, I feel that what you're seeking couldn't properly be called a unicorn. You want a playmate, a friend with benefits. An authentic unicorn (if there were such a thing) would be much more attached to the host couple than that. And she would have to meet quite a few other demands that I don't think you're making. Be glad! You're not really hunting unicorn.
I hadn't thought of CraigsList; I think that would be a good idea. That and AFF. Good luck in your search.
I hadn't thought of CraigsList; I think that would be a good idea. That and AFF. Good luck in your search.