looking for advce

[dragontears]

I am looking for advice I am new to poly relationship as I said in my intro...
I have been mostly happy and learning so much and truly loving life but with
that said here is what I am looking for advice on.
I have an issue with the man in the relationship...
he sends sweet messages to me and is very wonderful but when we are
around each other he seems to be pulled back and distant. Makes some comments that might not get taken right ....
I am going trough a divorce and have children with my ex I got a message asking me if I still had feelngs for my ex ..
I answered with I do not But I do have kids with him so yes he will be around.
When we have a few minutes alone it is great but he seems to find reasons to not be alone with me...
so when it happens I really hold on to those moments. As of right now we live in two different places so
I tend to be over to their house most of the time....Once and awhile I perfer to just get stuff done at my house,
but when I am there I feel all alone ...Not that alone time is a bad thing. I do enjoy alone time with both Lovely lady and Handsome man just
doesn't get to happen often..I also have tried once to give them some time just for them...
I think it is a good way to build the whole relationship
for each of us to have our times together all three of us and as two's seperate it gives us each time to get to know
each other and form different bonds with each other. Lovely lady has come over for hours at a time
and sends handsome man over and he stays for very short times and finds other things to do.
I am by no means saying it is right or that others might not feel left out but I do think that we all need it.
I joined them after many years of them being married to each other so they have a bond and I am finding my way into both
of their hearts.
We have hot passionate sex and wow is all that comes to mind....but I don't want to just have sex with him I want to have a
talking loving relationship. He will get bothered if I don't answer his texts or messages but will take his time to answer mine
or find reasons he didn't answer them.
I am always afraid of saying or doing the wrong things so I normally just say it is ok and go along with what
ever either one of them want with lovely lady I am more open and tell her what I want
or don't want to do but when it comes to Handsome man I just do what ever to keep him happy...I find myself sometimes just doing things to make others happy but I have always
been that way. I just always want to make others happy and I am last on the list.
I have always been submissive to males and more open and tell the women exatly what I want or will won't do.
Should I just bite the big one and say something to stand up for myself or just keep the way I am?
I don't want to come off to strong as I am not that way to begin with I am more laid back

 

[GalaGirl]

I am sorry you struggle.

My opinion? If your previous way of going has you writing posts and sounding down? Not serving you well?I would say you could be more assertive.

See if that feels better over time. Do not do things you really do not want to do just to try to please your partner. You end up feeling yucky for not being true to you. Be more honest with yourself and with articulating your wants, needs, and limits.

Galagirl

 

[dragontears]

I am sorry you struggle.

My opinion? If your previous way of going has you writing posts and sounding down? Not serving you well?I would say you could be more assertive.

See if that feels better over time. Do not do things you really do not want to do just to try to please your partner. You end up feeling yucky for not being true to you. Be more honest with yourself and with articulating your wants, needs, and limits.

Galagirl

Thankyou so much...I do know that I should be honest with myself but What happens if I am more assertive and it back fires? What happens if he doesn't take it well and pushes me away to were I can't Turn back from it? Just brings up so many questions ...maybe just try and and what ever happens happpens?

 

[GalaGirl]

maybe just try and and what ever happens happpens?

Yes. And you learn from it. What serves you well, what does not.

What happens if I am more assertive and it back fires? What happens if he doesn't take it well and pushes me away to were I can't Turn back from it?

You trust him to behave like a grown up and not have a temper tantrum like a baby. Don't sell him short.

And more important -- don't sell YOU short. Why would you want to stay with a person who does not respect your boundaries? You could respect you and not hang around people like that. You don't have to hang around to be treated poorly.

Could stop with the "what iffing" doom behavior. It ensues in anxious feelings right now.

Or if you are going to take it to the doom place, don't stop. Take it all the way and keep going and have some solutions so you can self-reassure. Could try on self-soothing behavior and talk BACK to the unbidden "popcorn thoughts" that bubble up. Problem solve, anticipate, make a plan, have boundaries. Then you are building your confidence in your "I can cope with things in my life" skills.

EX:

• What if he behaves poorly toward me? I can handle that. I can tell him to stop. I can walk away from people who do not treat me well. I have choices. I am not stuck here.
• What if after an adjustment phase, it turns out FINE?
  • Wasted energy on self created stress. And I can choose to skip that part now.
  • I learn that I can be assertive and nothing doom happens.
  • I learn my partner is willing to work things out with me.
• Either way? I have a plan for how to handle my anxieties. Yay. Win for me!

Is that so horrible?

Hang in there!
Galagirl