Hi, hoping someone will read my intro and offer some advice or words of support if you think it might be helpful. I am a longtime lesbian, and I've been involved with a woman for over a year now. She is married to a man, they have two young children (5 and 8), and their relationship is a loving, committed friendship. He has no desire to have sexual relations with her or anyone outside of the marriage. He also is not interested in having us disclose our relationship with anyone outside of close family members. Other than that, he is accepting of this situation. For me, it is hard to be in a situation where I cannot share my relationship with those around me, other than my brother and my best friend. She and I are hoping that over time, he may feel more comfortable with the idea of bringing this situation out into the open. One of the issues for him (and for us to some extent) is that we are not familiar with others in this situation and have no positive role models to look to. He is particularly concerned about the effect that this might have on the kids, how it might draw attention to them as a family. The kids are very accepting of me, my role as a co-parent, and have some idea I believe that mommy and me are in love, or as much as they can understand at their age. We don't hide who we are in front of them, but we don't put it in their face either, just as a monogomous couple wouldn't either. I basically feel like I'm in a poly situation by default. I do not consider myself poly, have no interest in seeing anyone else, and wish that we did not have these issues between us as a couple. We are very happy otherwise, dealing well with the usual couple stuff along the way that has nothing to do with anything poly. Our dream is that one day we can be open about who we are and perhaps even have me live with them at some point down the road. I am learning from reading online that many poly situations are alive and well, and that there are plenty of people who have been down this road before us, that may have thoughts to share, please reply if you do, thanks.
looking for advice, support....
- Thread starter Bobo
- Start date
That doesn't sound like a poly situation at all... rather, it is a very common situation in the monogamy world where a de jure relationship sticks around for legal/financial/appearance/familial reasons whereas the real relationship(s) are elsewhere. It is really up to you do decide how long you are willing to put up with these restrictions for the sake of your relationship with your girlfriend and the kids.
Greetings Bobo,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.
If the husband's relationship with your girlfriend has become platonic, then it is perhaps not a full-fledged poly situation? although, that depends; for instance he and she could still share romantic feelings even he doesn't want to act on them physically. Polyamory is first about romance/emotions, and second (optionally) about sex.
But I don't think that matters beyond semantics. The important thing here is, are the three of you (adults) basically happy with the situation? because it sounds like you are (outside the troublesome in-the-closet-ness about it). I think the husband will probably gradually feel comfortable enough to be outed more, but we'll have to see.
As far as the kids are concerned, we have a good thread underway on that subject and I recommend for you to check it out (and add your thoughts/questions to it too if you want). Here's a link to it: http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?p=272077#post272077
Be comfortable here and dig into the various threads and boards we have according to what calls to you. Polyamory is (I think) an exciting subject and there's lots to be learned about it.
I'll always be following this thread (in case you want to ping me some more here).
Very happy you could join us.
Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter"
Notes:
There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!
Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.
Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.
If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.
Welcome aboard!
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.
If the husband's relationship with your girlfriend has become platonic, then it is perhaps not a full-fledged poly situation? although, that depends; for instance he and she could still share romantic feelings even he doesn't want to act on them physically. Polyamory is first about romance/emotions, and second (optionally) about sex.
But I don't think that matters beyond semantics. The important thing here is, are the three of you (adults) basically happy with the situation? because it sounds like you are (outside the troublesome in-the-closet-ness about it). I think the husband will probably gradually feel comfortable enough to be outed more, but we'll have to see.
As far as the kids are concerned, we have a good thread underway on that subject and I recommend for you to check it out (and add your thoughts/questions to it too if you want). Here's a link to it: http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?p=272077#post272077
Be comfortable here and dig into the various threads and boards we have according to what calls to you. Polyamory is (I think) an exciting subject and there's lots to be learned about it.
I'll always be following this thread (in case you want to ping me some more here).
Very happy you could join us.
Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter"
Notes:
There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!
Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.
Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.
If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.
Welcome aboard!
thank you Kevin for your warm welcome and advice...it seems that my situation brings up the question: what exactly is the true definition of a polyamorous relationship? ours is an open situation, an arrangement, where there is love amongst three people. my girlfriend loves her husband, and he loves her. they are not physical or romantic, but they share love, respect and affection for one another. and she is in love with me. our love includes elements that their marriage no longer holds - passion, romance, sex. he and i are respectful of each other's position in the situation, friendly with one another, sometimes spending time in one another's company. so, perhaps semantics don't ultimately matter, but it raises the topic...when does a monogamous marriage become poly by definition? just wondering.
The irksome reality is that poly people can't agree on what poly means. But FWIW, my best estimate is: "Polyamory = the state of being, inclination to be, and/or ability to be: involved in a group of more than two romantically-connected adults, with the knowledge and consent of all adults in the group." A bit wordy, but when you're defining a word as controversial as polyamory sometimes you have to get wordy.
The thing is, everyone tends to have their own "pet definitions" of their own "pet words," and this seems to be especially true of poly individuals. What I mean is, they won't burn you at the stake if you choose to custom-build your own working definition of polyamory. Nor will you be breaking any special rules if you feel you are polyamorous and want to say that the group you are in is a polyamorous group. It's really your call (AFAIAC).
Sorry I can't get much more official than that. Poly argot is a work in progress, so do as you feel comfortable doing, is my advice.
Hope that helps a little?
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
The thing is, everyone tends to have their own "pet definitions" of their own "pet words," and this seems to be especially true of poly individuals. What I mean is, they won't burn you at the stake if you choose to custom-build your own working definition of polyamory. Nor will you be breaking any special rules if you feel you are polyamorous and want to say that the group you are in is a polyamorous group. It's really your call (AFAIAC).
Sorry I can't get much more official than that. Poly argot is a work in progress, so do as you feel comfortable doing, is my advice.
Hope that helps a little?
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
thanks
thanks for the discourse here...have to admit, i felt a little put off hearing that perhaps i wasn't "poly-worthy" by my situation....and then again, i don't even think i necessarily subscribe to a poly lifestyle, just find myself in love with someone who does and so it goes. either way, i'm grateful for people taking the time to reply to my thread, really. any contact with others around this is greatly appreciated. really helps to not feel alone in all this, and clearly, i am not alone by any means lol. lotta people seem to be checking out the poly thing, and living it, too. i'm not totally closed...i'm open to the possibilities. told my girlfriend that today, actually.
thanks for the discourse here...have to admit, i felt a little put off hearing that perhaps i wasn't "poly-worthy" by my situation....and then again, i don't even think i necessarily subscribe to a poly lifestyle, just find myself in love with someone who does and so it goes. either way, i'm grateful for people taking the time to reply to my thread, really. any contact with others around this is greatly appreciated. really helps to not feel alone in all this, and clearly, i am not alone by any means lol. lotta people seem to be checking out the poly thing, and living it, too. i'm not totally closed...i'm open to the possibilities. told my girlfriend that today, actually.
LovingRadiance
Active member
Bobo-the bottom line is that you can't know what the future may hold. But you can always work to increase communication and trust and see what unfolds.
If you want to get to know others who are involved in teh lifestyle, this is a great place to start dipping your toes in the water.
There are also "secret" groups on fb (thus not viewable by anyone in your friends list) that are poly groups which you could be added to on request.
I am in two-feel free to pm me if you decide you want more info about that.
If you want to get to know others who are involved in teh lifestyle, this is a great place to start dipping your toes in the water.
There are also "secret" groups on fb (thus not viewable by anyone in your friends list) that are poly groups which you could be added to on request.
I am in two-feel free to pm me if you decide you want more info about that.
Hi Bobo,
Some friends of mine have just come out and settled in as a poly family. My friend has been seeing his live-in girlfriend for something like six years now. Her husband lived out of state until this winter when they all got a bigger house together. Now they live as three adults and two special needs adolescents. Oh, and the girlfriend's 19 year old daughter by her husband.
The kids recently had a discussion with the family where they were told that C** and S** love each other, but C** is married to R** and they love each other, too. After having C** be a loving, caring, always present contrast for five years to their abusive alcoholic and emotionally manipulative biological mother, the kids were basically like "Uh, ok. Can we go play video games now?"
The group recently came out to S**'s family and they were all like, "uh, we have no idea what you're talking about. In principle we disapprove, but it looks like you have a waaay better situation for everyone here than with your ex. So, uh, ok?"
I don't know what this says about your situation except maybe that you can relax and have hope that what you are doing will work out. And I wouldn't worry about the kids. Kids are way more forgiving than adults. They don't understand why adults have hang ups and their biggest concern is being abandoned or unloved by their own parents. I really doubt that you joining their parents in love could be bad for them in any way.
Best!
Pink
Some friends of mine have just come out and settled in as a poly family. My friend has been seeing his live-in girlfriend for something like six years now. Her husband lived out of state until this winter when they all got a bigger house together. Now they live as three adults and two special needs adolescents. Oh, and the girlfriend's 19 year old daughter by her husband.
The kids recently had a discussion with the family where they were told that C** and S** love each other, but C** is married to R** and they love each other, too. After having C** be a loving, caring, always present contrast for five years to their abusive alcoholic and emotionally manipulative biological mother, the kids were basically like "Uh, ok. Can we go play video games now?"
The group recently came out to S**'s family and they were all like, "uh, we have no idea what you're talking about. In principle we disapprove, but it looks like you have a waaay better situation for everyone here than with your ex. So, uh, ok?"
I don't know what this says about your situation except maybe that you can relax and have hope that what you are doing will work out. And I wouldn't worry about the kids. Kids are way more forgiving than adults. They don't understand why adults have hang ups and their biggest concern is being abandoned or unloved by their own parents. I really doubt that you joining their parents in love could be bad for them in any way.
Best!
Pink
LovingRadiance
Active member
If you dig through the blog section-you will find that many of us live with our multiple partners (and raise our kids).
It's not as uncommon as one would think.
It's not as uncommon as one would think.
First of all, I feel really bad for what I said. I, too, am new to this and I had the bad sense to project on your description a situation a friend of mine is going through -- basically, her husband put completely inappropriate pressure on her to stay "married in name only" "for the kids". There is no love left in *that* relationship, and that is the real issue.
Fortunately Kevin and nycindie were smarter than I!
Fortunately Kevin and nycindie were smarter than I!
Sweat it not, O Aurelius, for each and every one of us is a poly newb in my eyes. I've been wrong about poly stuff in the past, and I'll be wrong about poly stuff in the future. And that's okay.
@ Bobo ... I want to add that I don't see polyamory as a higher ideal (better/more evolved than monogamy) to which elite/worthy souls can aspire. As far as I'm concerned, all forms of responsible monogamy and responsible non-monogamy exist on a level playing field, and it's just as good to be monogamous as it is to be non-monogamous. So please don't feel like you're under some kind of pressure to aspire to a lofty ideal that some think is out of your reach. Polyamory is just a thing; it's not a higher plane of enlightenment.
I think you're enlightened enough if you're open to the possibility of polyamory and are willing to embrace it wherever it introduces itself into your life.
@ Bobo ... I want to add that I don't see polyamory as a higher ideal (better/more evolved than monogamy) to which elite/worthy souls can aspire. As far as I'm concerned, all forms of responsible monogamy and responsible non-monogamy exist on a level playing field, and it's just as good to be monogamous as it is to be non-monogamous. So please don't feel like you're under some kind of pressure to aspire to a lofty ideal that some think is out of your reach. Polyamory is just a thing; it's not a higher plane of enlightenment.
I think you're enlightened enough if you're open to the possibility of polyamory and are willing to embrace it wherever it introduces itself into your life.
i'm grateful for all your responses...i am in a tough place this morning, having expressed my reservations recently to my partner, but still feeling in it to win it, so to speak, and committed to moving forward with our situation if we can....and all of your words offer me hope and inspiration. love is a beautiful and powerful thing indeed.