Looking for Advice

[forevermetamour]

Hi all!

I'll try to make this short, but I just found this community and am looking for advice.

I have been practising poly in one form or another going on 11 years now. To be fair, I have not been doing it properly for a majority of that time, because I was letting my previous partners take the lead. But I digress.

I started poly as being a third in a throuple and having another anchor partner once in a while.

About 2 years ago, the relationship with the couple ended, and I was single on all fronts. From my experience with them, their lackluster abilities to communicate, and getting around cheating by using us as being poly as an excuse, I have been hesitant going into a poly relationship again at this time. My intent was to casually date to create a connection with someone, and then maybe down the road possibly evolve/open up the relationship if we are both comfortable with that.

Fast forward to today, I'm seeing someone. We did just what I planned to do, and dated casually for about 10 months last year and have become more seriously committed since March. Through all that, he has met my son, I've met his family, and things were headed in the right direction. (Note that we live about an hour away from each other, and he doesn't have a car because he lives in a city.)

He was previously in an open relationship, as well, and so I know that he has experience with that, but has said that he doesn't feel like he is fully "poly" (in the way that he doesn't want multiple people as support, but enjoys dating, etc.)

Recently, there has been a shift. Someone from his life that he cares about has popped back in with force. They dated for over a year about 10 years ago, and have been pillars in each other's life, on and off, since then. I was unaware of her impact on him during the time that we've been dating. She had been basically MIA during that time because she was trying to be mono with someone.

She and I have been talking and getting to know each other (kitchen table works best for me, tbh), and she's great and all, but I'm still having reservations, and I can't shake the feeling.

The problem that I'm finding with all of this is that their relationship seems to be amping up more than it has since they fully dated 10 years ago. They haven't slept together yet, at least not since he and I have been together. We agreed everyone would be tested first before that happens. But she keeps asking to see him more and more, and they are spending time together, having overnights and playing video games on weekdays, and it's only when I say that I'm uncomfortable with what is going on that they make changes.

He doesn't see it as being anything wrong and lets it happen, and she keeps asking for more and more of his time. It was my understanding that before this, they were more friends with benefits then anything else, and the fact that it seems to be evolving quicker than how his and my relationship did is frustrating. I have talked about this at length with him. I don't want to feel like I'm overstating things, but the fact that they have been in each other's lives for as long as they have makes me feel like I don't have a say on things.

I'm trying to figure out how to pinpoint my feelings and how to best communicate that I'm scared, without seeming like I'm being controlling of what's happening. Any advice on how to set/communicate boundaries would be super appreciated. (Also please feel free to call me out if any of this is me being toxic. I'm just very scared that she's trying to replace her mono bf with mine and that this is going to end with me being heartbroken.)

 

[kdt26417]

Hello forevermetamour,

It sounds like your gut instincts are warning you, "This metamour is not a safe person." Or his relationship with her spells trouble. It sounds like they are heavy in NRE with each other, he is giving her all the attention and neglecting you. She demands the time, and he gives it to her. He doesn't seem to realize that you are feeling left behind. It seems that she is a bad influence on him, he is so smitten with her that his sense of reason is suffering.

Try not to dwell on how she compares to you, and on what she gets compared to you. Instead, ask yourself if your needs are being met. Is he making time for you? How much time do you need from him? You might want to sit down with him, and have a talk about that. Have some boundaries about how much bad treatment you are willing to endure for his sake. Maybe give it a year? and if things haven't improved, walk away. I know that's probably a last resort for you, but don't rule it out.

Sympathetically,
Kevin T.

 

[nks]

Hi, I have limited experience with poly compared to other posters but I just add a few thoughts. At first read, it reads like he is more into her and he neglects your needs. It might be the case. However, I just wanted to add another perspective. I don't know if this is something that is useful, but here it goes. Perhaps it can help others too.

I was in a throuple with two women (I am male). It had a good balance, but throuples are difficult. Because they are difficult, most people go for Vs and they have a lot of need for boundary setting and communication. In your case it is a V (preferably kitchen-table poly, but maybe something else). Poly wisdom is one thing but often what a guy really wants when he dates two women is a throuple, a lot of fun time together with the girls, and the women to be just there for him. (I know this is selfish.) Even if it is unsaid, that is what they often would think ideal. Of course, many poly people get into a lot of complicated situations, and realize that it is much better to have solid rules, communicate needs clearly and keep relationships separate. But not everyone is that experienced.

Partners are different, so the hinge tends to interact with the partners in different, sometimes unbalanced ways. As you said, you started causal, so perhaps your hinge thinks that you are more of an independent poly person who is secure and can handle the situation better. He might have a lot of intimacy with the other woman, and they might enjoy being together in a fun way (having fun together). I wonder how he is interacting with you. What is your thing? How is your relationship different from theirs?

In my case, one of the girls loved going places, so we often went on hiking trips, historical trails, and museums. Read poetry, and discussed academic subjects. The other woman was not into it, so often she did not come with us/participate. She was much more interested in shopping, taking photos of herself, and sex, and that was our thing (not just having sex, but she loved erotica and loved discussing what she had read/watched, so we talked a lot about sex). I also accompanied her to shopping or took her photos. The other woman was sometimes a bit jealous when we went shopping without her, or talked about sex and got a bit too excited about each other in front of her (which happened quite often), but she always let us do it. She was less sexual, so she was often uninterested and did not participate. I worried a lot about how she feels about this, but she felt secure because of all the time we spent together where we talked, discussed intellectual things, and connected deeply.

Our ways of interaction were very different. Everyone knew that they had something unique, and luckily they were fine with the differences in treatment. They also liked each other, so they spent a ton of time without me, or me just being there while they did something together. (Often I washed dishes or did chores while they had a fun talk. They were a bit messy.) And their relationship was a woman-woman kind of attraction, which is something I could never provide.

From an outside view, it would look like I have huge NRE with one of the girls, doing sexual things, smitten with each other, while I was more restrained, cold, non-sexual with the other. But with the other woman we had a very deep connection which was impossible with the other. They too had things that only they liked talking about or things I did not understand. So, these bonds criss-crossed the three of us and tied us closely together. Take away one and it would not be the same (which later happened).

With a V it is much more tricky to cross-bond. Sometimes it is better to separate the relationships a bit and then slowly try to get back to the kitchen-table setting. The problem I see often is that the unbalanced interactions create distrust and then destroy the fragile connection between metas. However, if you can feel the unique interaction/love pattern you have with the hinge, and see that the other has a little bit different kind of attachment, then perhaps you can be less jealous and worried.

That being said, time and attention are one of the most important parts of any relationship. In our case, we were always together (when not we either wanted alone time, or felt okay with the two spending time together) so there were not many issues with schedules and sharing. When someone was not okay being alone, then they voiced their need, or just simply appeared (not something doable in a V).

Of course, it all depends on his other partner, their real needs and wants, and what they feel... In this case, it does read like she does not respect your boundaries enough.

 

[Tinwen]

Hi,
I hear there are two things making you uncomfortable

1. You can't control the outcome. This is always the case and it is a new situation for you, so some level of fear is to be expected.
2. The new "V" seems to be headed in a direction he previously stated he doesn't feel - "full poly", two parallel relationship of similar importance. There seems to be a contradiction that might need clarifying (did he change his mind? does he view the old-new relationship differently from what you perceive? something else?), but his approach is more relationship anarchy "let it happen". Not soothing you uncertainty of outcome.

I don't actually think you need to set boundaries here as much as clarify expectations and agreements ("where do you see this headed? what is the relationship we are trying to build together? I expected us to be primaries, is your approach more relationship anarchy? Are you aware that since you are now building a 'V', I may also want to find other poly partners?" or similar).
If you can't be on the same page regarding the model of non-monogamy that you practice (i.e. non-hierarchical poly vs. open relationship), than one or both may need to compromise significantly or you may need to part ways - but I don't think you are at this crossroads yet.

Then there is jealousy work. There is this one golden rule you absolutely need to hear:

Don't focus on what your metamour is getting, focus on whether your relationship suits your needs.

In other words, the problem isn't who he plays videogames with. The problem is whether he's available to schedule weekend time with you. The problem isn't whether they do sex, the question is whether he's still passionate about you. It's never about what she demands, it's always about the hinge being willing and able to be present for you (for both). It's about what YOU need, not about the metamour. You problem is much more often than you might think with the hinge, not her, so keep it there.