First of all, I should preface my answer by stating that I am the poly one in my closed V.
My two partners aren't involved with anyone else besides me, although they used to be FWB with each other and the three of us have played with the idea of becoming a triad in the past... therefore most of your questions also pertain to my situation, as I've found I can be quite jealous and territorial under certain circumstances.
- When agreeing to open up upon the request of an established partner were you fully convinced that this would work out or was it more a 'well let's try' attitude? Was jealousy the biggest obstacle for you to overcome?
I had been mono with Jester (M) for a year when I got together with Boho (F, his ex partner). Jester was completely open to the idea and had little-to-no jealousy.
However when Boho suggested that we form a triad I felt tremendous jealousy at the idea, and felt I'd be losing something special with Jester if I were to consent to "sharing" him with his ex. (He and I were engaged at that point, and I wondered how this would change things.)
For us three, it was definitely a case of "let's TRY this" rather than anyone declaring "I am doing this".
- How did your jealous feelings develop over time? How long did it take for them to become less strong? Or are there still strong fluctuations and because of/triggered by what?
I agreed to try a triad dynamic out of curiosity and also guilt: I didn't think it was fair for ME to have two partners when they each "only" had me. I acknowledged they still had feelings for each other, even though these feelings aren't specifically "romantic".
At first, my feelings of jealousy were manageable, but became less so when confronted with the reality of them being together... i.e. when I saw them bantering flirtatiously in our group chat, and more so when we actually played together for the first time in person. It was extremely difficult to witness my partners being intimate with each other, even though I love them both and want them to be happy. I admit I broke down several times during this period (as detailed in an earlier thread of mine and on my blog, The Accidental Polyamorist.)
We eventually decide to remain essentially a "V", though we're open to other things happening in the future.
- What did you do to manage your feelings (e.g. therapy, talk to friends, connect to online communities, meditate, whatever)? What helped most and why?
I talked in depth with both partners about the difficulties I was having managing my jealousy/insecurity. I also joined this forum around that time, which helped tremendously... and entered therapy. It really was a very hard time for me; this being my first true experience of polyamory and "ethically" sharing a partner in any way. I confess I had to go on medication as I really wasn't coping with all the changes in my life. My partners dealt with all of this much better than me.
- Did/do you always know when your partner is with another partner? If not was it easier to deal with jealousy when you knew or when you did not know?
This doesn't really apply to my situation, as I am the poly one, and the "hinge" of our V. So if and when my partners would "play" together, I always knew and/or was present.
I am the kind of person who prefers to KNOW, even unpleasant or difficult things, rather than be kept in the dark... so yes, I find it easier to deal with just about anything as long as I'm aware of a situation.
- What do you DO when you know your partner is dating the other partner, in particular during nights?
Once again, not really applicable... however... there have been times when my partners have gone away on vacation together, without me, as they live in the same country. (Although I've also visited them together and separately.)
Even though I know nothing much will go on physically between them when I'm NOT present (beyond some cuddling and sleeping in the same bed platonically), these situations have still proven difficult for me because my partners used to be sexually involved with each other, and I can never be quite sure if something will spark up between them again. I just have to trust they're being completely candid with me.
There is also a lot of ENVY in such situations, because they get to be together physically if not sexually, while I'm left out on the other side of the world. (We hope to change that next year.)
- Did you make rules or agreements for a transition period to help you getting used to dealing with jealousy? How long? Did your partner quickly try to renegotiate asking for more freedom?
Yes and no. When Boho and I got together, Jester accepted it immediately and did not put any limitations on me/us, emotionally or sexually, except he made it pretty obvious he still considered himself my "primary", even if we didn't verbalise it. That has evolved into more of a co-primary status over time, and both partners now seem comfortable with the status quo.
After we ended the "triad experiment" (where we three were trialling being equal romantic partners, which didn't work), and went back to more of a "V" situation... I left it up to Jester and Boho to choose their future level of physical intimacy.
In saying that, I DID set some "rules" (more like agreements) which included no deep kissing and no fluid bonding/sharing between them. They both readily agreed to these limits, but so far have chosen not to be intimate with each other in person again (so far?) This has definitely helped allay some of my insecurities and trust.
- Was territoriality a strong part of your jealousy? How did you overcome that? What about envy?
Oh, yes. Both of my partners consider themselves "mine" and are quite subby. In in similar way, I see each of them in that light and can be quite territorial.
Words of affirmation is my primary Love Language, so one of the things that upsets me greatly is if one of my partners uses a nickname, term of endearment, love song, or compliment that I consider special/specific to ME or that particular relationship.
Even though I have two partners myself, I try very hard to "compartmentalise" each romantic relationship, even if we're all great friends and sometimes-playmates. The way I talk to each of my partners takes a different tone... the words I use are unique to each of them... the kind of sex we have is different (which isn't too difficult, since they're different genders).
