Hello I am here seeing if I can find some advice that could help me out. First off I am new to this polyamorous lifestyle so it is still something I am learning about. I was wanting to ask if jealousy popping up is something that is normal as one starts this lifestyle. I love my wife and our new boyfriend but sometimes I feel jealous when they are together. Not jealous like I want to go and stop them just feeling like she might prefer him over me. She has told me that is not the case and we do also have our time for ourselves. And sometimes all of us together. I do not want this to end because I do love them both. Is this just the growing pains of starting such a situation or an indication of it not being able to work? Any advice would be more than welcome so thank you in advanced.
Looking for some advice
- Thread starter Repaer
- Start date
vinsanity0
Active member
Jealousy is normal, but don"t shrug it off. Think of it as a warning sign that you have an issue that needs to be worked out.
I notice you said "our" new boyfriend. Not the best way to look at it. If you see yourself as a couple plus one you aren't really doing poly. You are three distinct people. There are 3 couples involved now. Realizing that may help with your jealousy.
Thank you for the advice. I will definitely be taking some time to think about what is truly causing the jealousy so I can work on the source.
And I understand what you mean about my phrasing there. I think that would be something that I would have to further address with the other two parts of this equation.
Hello Repaer,
Jealousy is something that can and does happen in poly. It does not necessarily mean that your poly relationship is doomed. To some extent it depends on how intense/severe the jealousy is. In your case it seems to be stemming from a fear that you will be replaced by your new boyfriend. This is understandable. In monogamy, your wife could not have a new boyfriend unless she broke up with you first. Technically you know that's not true in poly, but your emotions haven't caught up, they are still rooted in monogamy. That's probably what's happening here. Which if it is, that is actually good news, it means that patience will pay off. Like you can expect your emotions to catch up eventually.
But keep investigating your emotions. They probably have more than one cause. And keep reading/posting here, it will help us be able to give ongoing feedback/advice.
Hang in there!
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
Jealousy is something that can and does happen in poly. It does not necessarily mean that your poly relationship is doomed. To some extent it depends on how intense/severe the jealousy is. In your case it seems to be stemming from a fear that you will be replaced by your new boyfriend. This is understandable. In monogamy, your wife could not have a new boyfriend unless she broke up with you first. Technically you know that's not true in poly, but your emotions haven't caught up, they are still rooted in monogamy. That's probably what's happening here. Which if it is, that is actually good news, it means that patience will pay off. Like you can expect your emotions to catch up eventually.
But keep investigating your emotions. They probably have more than one cause. And keep reading/posting here, it will help us be able to give ongoing feedback/advice.
Hang in there!
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
Jealousy is very common when you perceive someone else as a threat. This might be because they are a threat or it may be because of your own insecurities or some combination of the two.
The threat can even be as simple as "new boyfriend will take time from my partner that I'd rather have for me."
Analyzing why you're are jealous is often the way to find the way past it.
The threat can even be as simple as "new boyfriend will take time from my partner that I'd rather have for me."
Analyzing why you're are jealous is often the way to find the way past it.