Looking for the impossible

1

1234567

Member
I am wondering if I am looking for the impossible. I think kind of the opposite of “unicorn hunting”. I’m looking to date- in the poly world- and keep running into problems that I feel in an ideal world should not exist. But maybe they are human nature, and perhaps my search for a situation without them is - unwise?

I’m expecting that if someone dates me and they are part of a couple, that my needs are still not only part of the equation, but nearly as important as they would be if I were dating someone mono- only, it might be more difficult to meet always, because there are at least two of us, but certainly sometimes any of my needs would be at the top, because it was “my turn”. (I know that sounds ugly and inappealing, but I don’t know how else to put it- having it never be my turn can be hard.) Like, maybe the older partner would get recurring needs met 75% of the time - but after a reasonable period of time. sometimes it would be acnowledged it was my turn for a week together, or a snowed in time, or to host Thanksgiving.

I’m facing this one because there is snow coming up. And in 4 years of dating poly, I have never been important enough for someone to get snowed in with. Either another partner or a pet or a living situation comes first. Some of that, i’ve been disabled during, and it’s still pretty much a guarantee I will hurt myself clearing snow. Sometimes having someone to split it with would be nice- we clear snow here, then go clear snow at the other place- not to mention romantic to be snowed in. Is that, honestly, asking too much?

(I do have an ex who comes and clears for me when I cannot continue, so my network is big enough I have help if I need it, (hiring has never worked out) but my partner is not the only strong adult in their house either. In fact, not the strongest anymore- though it is part of their contribution to shovel snow in lie of rent.)

I also realized that I’m expecting that if someone is dating me who is single, I hope they will see the potential for closeness to me while dating someone else, and not automatically assume that I don’t have room for them. But i’ve been wrong the two times I tried it. One asked me to limit my situation with a partner; another repeatedly assumed I didn’t have space for them, even when an invite had been issued, as I had another partner,

So in effect, I’m looking for an experienced unattached polyamorist who is willing to date someone also dating others, or someone who is attached but ethically convinced that with love comes responsibility to eachother that should always be looked out for and divided in a way that all sometimes get their needs met by some of the pollycule.

Or some other magical combination that means I can date poly without someone feeling there isn’t space for an all-inclusive relationship.

This forum is great for shaking me up a bit. Any advice? I’m staritng to think I’m just in the wrong dating world for me. Or I need to really reimagine what I might get out of dating.

I’m really only committed to staying poly because I already have a partner, and can’t imagine breaking up with her.

Background- just offf a breakup where a partner went mono; have one long-term partner that is previously partnered, and a couple occasional people I see who I love, but enjoy at a non time-committed level. My experience level has been dating 1-5 poly or occasionally polyflexible people at a time- probably about 8-12 seriously considered partner’s lasting from 3 months to 4 years. And before that, a mono marriage, where the mono part worked just fine, but the marriage did not.

I also have two kids and an increasingly busy job, so may not have the dating space I used to in the foreseeable future, making me feelnperhaps less partners is way better,
 
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Hi 1234567,

It sounds like you are wanting a deeper level of involvement with the people you date. Even if you are a secondary to them, you would like your needs to be met 25% of the time. This seems reasonable enough, but, all you can do is ask them for what you want, and hope that they'll be willing/able to oblige. If they're not willing/able, then you have to consider whether it's worth it to you to keep dating them, without that extra level of involvement that you wanted. After all, time dating one person is time you could be using dating someone else. I would think there must be *someone* out there who is up for the same amount of involvement that you are.

Just some thoughts,
Kevin T.
 
Why not ?

Your post makes me believe that you'd be happier if you had a primary partner living with you and could just focus on that connection, but by some reason you can't have that right now ?
 
Yeah I would. but it sees to be much harder to find a primary partner of ypu’re alreadh involved with someone already, especially if it is a good relationship, and you’d like to keep it.

People in my experience either are looking for someone solo, like them, or someone part time, and low involvement, which is what you have room for without disturbing another relationship.

I haven’t met many people poly with one person, but in a secondary position in terms of involvement . I might be one of the few who does that. And it’s hard to meet others in my situation- Love their life, but wanting more involvement, or more people to spread the involvement around with, not just date superficially.

And in another thread someone mentioned different aspects of hierarchy that could exist- it’s not like I don’r have some of those as “primary”. Just not the living situation, and the assumption that big relationship markers are of course going to be shared, though it happens after discussion and several times of me getting sad/upset often.
 
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