Lost and need advise - husband not interested in me anymore after threesome

A

Ashleyhahn

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I never post anything on any open forum but I'm really lost and need advise.

Me and my husband have been together for 7 years and we had a wonderful threesome just three months ago with someone really special. My husband had been depressed for three years before this (I believed I was depressed with him the same time) and this threesome had got him out of depression so of course I'm happy and encourage us to do it again with her and we did. But my husband had fallen in love with her during the beautiful love making and couldn't get out of it. She had since had a boyfriend and we were forced to keep our distance from her but later on they broke up. My husband thought for sure she will come back to his arm since she's single again. But she didn't feel that way about him at all, she only felt friendship nothing more. This then put my husband back in depression again. Seeing her dating other men or thinking she had sex with them made him severely depressed. To make things more complicated, I found out I was pregnant a week ago (first time). Thought this will make him happy but it didn't. When we still have her in our live me and my husband had sex frequently at least 4-5 times a week. Now he's depressed again we have sex once or twice a week and always initiated by me. I suggests him to find someone else to have sex with in order to get over her and he starts joining the chat room 5 days ago, and he hasn't touched me since. He has been passionately chatting with many women during these days without taking any interested in me.

I would have been OK if we are having regular sex when he's dating other women. But he is not. He said he won't be able to control himself when he sees our previous threesome lover again but he's too depressed to touch me. I don't want to sound jealous but can you blame me? Please give me suggestions to a pregnant lady I sincerely thank you.
 
I am sorry you struggle. You guys have a lot of layers going on there. I can imagine it is hard to get a handle on.

Could you be willing to clarify some things?

Starting with the depression. Which is what the threesome "fixed" but didn't really.

I am not hearing what his actual health care behaviors are. :confused:

What does he do for depression management?
  • Has he consulted a doctor?
  • Does therapy?
  • Takes meds?
  • Something else?

What do you do for your own depression management? Is yours situational from having to live with him unmanaged?

If what you want is more (pay attention to wife) behavior .... why do you ask him to do (spend time dating) behavior? Rather than ask more directly for the behaviors you would like? What happens when you ask for things directly?

Was this baby planned? Did he not want to have a baby at this time? Have you guys had those up front and honest conversations?

Getting hung up on the threesome partner or chatting up strangers to date -- I could be wrong in my guess but it sounds like escapism/avoidance. Whether he's trying to not think about depression management, or pregnancy, or any marriage problems... it almost sounds like he's trying to "run away" from his problems. :(

Could a marriage counselor/doctor team help? Are you both willing/able to do that? :confused:

Galagirl
 
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Stop messing around -- manage his depression NOW.

If it's half so severe as you say, he's a prime candidate for self-destructive behavior, particularly with that obsessive streak.

And (speaking for myself) why would you want to subject your fetus to all the garbage chemicals in your system due to chronic depression? You maybe don't need pills but shouldn't you be speaking regularly with a therapist or counselor?
 
I'm with Ravenscroft... Get to work on the depression.

Without knowing whether either of you suffer from clinical, or situational depression, a therapist could help get things back on track. Meds may or may not be needed, but that the very least, some healthy perspectives can do wonders to help you both get closer to where you should be.

I wouldn't suggest delving back into extra relationships until there's more of a handle on depression. Even if it helps him get over the previous girl, it could happen again with a new one. He needs to have the confidence to know that wile others may come and go, he will still be okay. It's not easy, but I am living proof (slightly different circumstances though) that it's possible.

Good luck.
 
I agree with everyone's comment that you need to get to work on the depression as soon as possible using whatever means necessary. Start with your own. As they say when you're flying, put your oxygen mask on first before helping anyone else.

I struggled with depression along with a partner in the past. A partner's depression can absolutely drive your depression unless you are very skilled. I even anthropomorphized the problem in that My Depression had an agreement with Her Depression to avoid working on either depression. It's like they had an independent life of their own and they did not want to be gotten rid of.

That was years ago for me. Anti-depressants helped get through the worst of it. My situation changed pretty dramatically and that ended the clinical depression. Not a path I would recommend, therapy is a much better solution.
 
Hi Ashleyhahn,

That sounds to me like a really sad situation. Your husband seems to be lost in a situation where he desperately needs the forbidden fruit to be interested in him. And I am guessing to a large extent, and would need to know what the root cause is of his depression.

I certainly don't blame you for feeling jealous. Something is very wrong with your current situation.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Thank you all for your kind support I really needed it.

My husband had finally broken down admitting he can't have children till his depression is cured. We decided not to have kids yet but will see if his condition gets well first. He had agreed to see counselor with me as well as psychiatrists. His mother had been diagnosed with schizophrenia and he's battling with mental problems since young. It's not a fairy tale love doesn't cure all I finally come to realisation of this. I have cried and cried as I wanted kids finally after all these years and now I have to give it up due to husbands condition. He wasn't covering up his disease he's been honest with me since day one. And his condition had eased since he fell in love wiht me but I guess the genetic and family background had outweighed our love for each other. We are still considering separating from each other for both parties sake. If any wise man have any suggestions im all ears. I really thank you for your non judgemental comments really warm my broken heart.
 
I am a bit confused. Could you be willing to clarify what is happening now?

To make things more complicated, I found out I was pregnant a week ago (first time)
Click to expand...

That was in your first post.

I have cried and cried as I wanted kids finally after all these years and now I have to give it up due to husbands condition.
Click to expand...

That was in your update.
  • Are you saying you are pregnant and because of his depression issues you are now considering terminating even though you really want a kid?
  • Are you saying you are also considering separation/divorce because it's too much illness stuff for you to deal with?
  • Are you saying that you prefer to have a romance/marriage with less chronic patient/mental illness stuff in it?

Know what? Nothing wrong with wanting what you want. If this isn't compatible here, best to accept.

Realizing personal limitations can feel rough, but they are also a gift. They teach you how far you can go, and if you can go no further? You can start making changes to get you back on the path you DO want to be on.

Will you be seeing counseling on your own? I think you could use extra support at this time as you make some hard decisions about whether or not to stay with him, and whether or not to continue pregnancy.

My heart goes out to you. It's hard stuff to think about -- but it has to be done all the same.

Hang in there.
Galagirl
 
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Hi Ashleyhahn,

As far as I can tell, your husband's depression is severe and needs professional help (i.e., a psychiatrist). As for whether you should split up, that is something you guys have to figure out, but you may want to hold off until he gets some professional help and see if things improve. Up to you.

I am sympathetic, I know you must be frustrated.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
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