Lost...

[SBS]

I'm lost and hoping for some guidance in my situation. Please read on for details.

I'm currently in a triad relationship, including myself, my partner, and her husband. The three of us have known each other for about a year and a half, and she and I have been dating for just over a year. Up until a couple of months ago, I was living with my wife, but we have recently split up and our divorce is pending. There were multiple issues in my marriage long before we became poly, but the strain of transitioning to an open marriage (initially her idea, that I fought against for many years) and the perspective I gained from dating someone else really drove those problems home, and I just couldn't live with her anymore. Since we split up, things have been wonderful on my end - more freedom, better self-esteem, less stress, no more emotional abuse and impossible demands, and more time to spend with my partner. But lately, I've been finding myself feeling like something is missing...

I guess this would be expected, given I had been with my wife for the last 10 years. I feel like I've hit the reset button on my life, and now the world is open to me to be who I want to be, and do what I want to do. After some initial growing pains, I have always felt welcome and loved by my partner's family, including her husband and children. There is some tension that pops up from time to time between he and I, due to my being the first man his wife has dated outside of their marriage, but it is nothing compared to what it used to be. He and I have become close friends through all of this, and we connect on a meaningful level. But I find my partner often makes private comments to me about "what ifs", and lamenting that she and I can't have the kind of relationship she has with her husband. The domestic parts of it, the raising children parts of it, etc. While I have never expected those things from my relationship with her, I do think about them as well.

We typically spend two private days together every week, with a day or two in addition including the whole family. Up to now, I had always looked forward to the time we would all spend together, genuinely enjoying their company. But I feel like something is different now. Like I am starting to resent what he has because I know I will never have the same. My mind goes to different scenarios in which I could be a bigger part of their lives, but his approach to poly and sexuality makes all of those nearly impossible. It seems he is poly only because his wife wants to be, not because he genuinely believes himself to be. And he has a strong aversion to any sexual interactions involving other men, so much so that the possibility of the three of us ever being together is nearly zero. I guess I just wonder where things go from here...

Not that I expect anyone to be able to answer that, just needed to share my thoughts at the moment. Any feedback is welcomed and appreciated.

 

[jayblue122]

Do you have any interest in seeking a nesting partner you could have those thing with since it is not possible with your current partner?

 

[KC43]

A bit of a semantics thing... but if you aren't involved with your partner's husband, you aren't in a triad, you're in a V. A triad is when all three members of the grouping are involved with one another.

With that out of the way... It is difficult for some people to figure out how to handle the "non-escalator" type of relationship. There are several threads and blog posts going on right now on these boards about exactly that. We're conditioned to believe that a relationship is supposed to go "up the escalator," i.e. dating, falling in love, possibly cohabitating, marriage, living together, kids. Or at least most of those steps.

In a poly situation where one or both partners already have gone up that escalator with someone else, it's unlikely--though certainly not impossible--for that relationship to go for the escalator ride. I'm married to Hubby, with all the legal and financial entanglements that includes, and while he isn't Alt and Country's biological father, he's helped me raise them for the past eight years. We share a home where both our names are on the lease, we have a shared bank account, we file joint taxes, etc.

While it would, in theory, be possible for me to also have those things with Woody, it would involve logistics that make my head ache. Hubby's already stressing about the fact that we have to move out of our current apartment in the fall; he is a very sedentary type of guy and would prefer that things never, ever change. (How he's managed to cope with opening our marriage and then my realization that I'm polyamorous is beyond me...especially since opening the marriage was *his* idea.) He's also very solitary and doesn't particularly enjoy spending time with me, let alone anyone else. If he suddenly had to live in a home where he was sharing not only my time but most of the physical space with my other partner, I think his head would flat out explode.

It's fairly typical, I think, for people to fall in love and think "I wish I could marry this person, have babies with them," etc. Sometimes it happens; we have members on this board who have two spouses, though obviously at least one of the two isn't a *legal* spouse. But sometimes we have to make the adjustment to our conditioned thinking and realize it isn't a thing that can happen, and we have to find a way to be okay with that.

 

[kdt26417]

Hi SBS,

It sounds like your partner's husband is strongly hetero (hence, what you have is more of a V rather than a triad, per KC43's above post), unless you think he has some suppressed bi tendencies?

What about the idea of spending some overnights here and there at their house? unless you're already living at their house? I don't want to assume.

Could your partner get pregnant by you? Is that an option? Would you want that?

I hope we can help you with your dilemma.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.