Yes, I'm back again already with more questions and needing support. It's not as big as the last two though. My partner of almost 2 years recently began his first intimate relationship with another. A rough transition, because we'd been sexually monogamous until then. Well, now he's got multiple coffee dates and another possible girlfriend or two all within about 2 weeks. I'm feeling overwhelmed with all the changes. I'm wanting things to be stable with us before I explore any other relationships, because it felt like we almost didn't survive this transition. That's my choice and I accept that he may do things different. I'm surprised he's pursuing so much all at once and he's encouraging me to look and even offering to help. Although it's probably not true I feel like he's pushing me away and wanting to end our relationship. When the communication got rocky we both had urges to jump ship, but we were able to talk it out and agreed we wanted to keep trying. He sometimes isn't aware of how he's feeling or what's not working which he openly admits, but it makes it difficult for me to know where we stand. I don't feel like I'm getting clear and open communication from him so I question what path we're on. Maybe he doesn't know yet. Just feeling like I'm racing to catch up to changes that keep taking me by surprise. I know change, especially surprise or sudden, is hard for me. I need to work on that. Any thoughts, advice, or feedback?
Lots of changes all at once
- Thread starter Eponine31
- Start date
For him, this is new and exciting. Eventually, I think he'll calm down and pursue his options more carefully and thoughtfully - but there will probably be some mistakes along the way.
For now, I suggest you schedule a brief time each day or every other day to discuss any new contacts or meetings, understand what he's thinking and doing, express any issues or concerns (new or ongoing), and talk about ways to help each other through this compassionately and lovingly. You have to put your thoughts and feelings into words to have them heard and addressed. You probably have to ask for what you want and need, too.
For now, I suggest you schedule a brief time each day or every other day to discuss any new contacts or meetings, understand what he's thinking and doing, express any issues or concerns (new or ongoing), and talk about ways to help each other through this compassionately and lovingly. You have to put your thoughts and feelings into words to have them heard and addressed. You probably have to ask for what you want and need, too.
Hi Eponine31,
Do you think maybe your partner is feeling like a kid in a candy store? All these exciting new possibilities, surrounding him all at once. Perhaps he doesn't even know what he wants to try first, so he's trying everything.
I think it makes sense to let him know you are struggling with how fast he's going. Ask him to slow down (even if he doesn't have to say yes).
Do you want to get better at processing sudden change and surprise? What does that feel like when a new variable comes rushing into the equation? Does it make you feel disoriented? off-balance, like you're going to fall? What other kinds of feelings are you dealing with?
Let's see what we can figure out.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
Do you think maybe your partner is feeling like a kid in a candy store? All these exciting new possibilities, surrounding him all at once. Perhaps he doesn't even know what he wants to try first, so he's trying everything.
I think it makes sense to let him know you are struggling with how fast he's going. Ask him to slow down (even if he doesn't have to say yes).
Do you want to get better at processing sudden change and surprise? What does that feel like when a new variable comes rushing into the equation? Does it make you feel disoriented? off-balance, like you're going to fall? What other kinds of feelings are you dealing with?
Let's see what we can figure out.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
IndieSolo
Active member
Sometimes life throws a lot of things at you at one time.
So, for example, a person may be partnered and open to having multiple relationships but no opportunities for additional partners come along for a long time. Basically that person and their established partner are de facto monogamous and they get used to it -- but the openness, willingness, and desire for another relationship has never gone away.
Then all of a sudden, a few different possibilities present themselves within a relatively short span of time. Life happens that way. If one is open to poly, it would be hard to avoid or refuse investigating such possibilities. That doesn't mean that any of them will advance to a relationship, but there is no harm in seeing if any potential is there.
I think you would do well not to get into this thinking that all these changes means that something is being "done to you" with bad intentions. You feel like you're being pushed away and you feel like you're receiving unclear communication, but are you? Or are your fears getting in the way of seeing and hearing clearly?
So, for example, a person may be partnered and open to having multiple relationships but no opportunities for additional partners come along for a long time. Basically that person and their established partner are de facto monogamous and they get used to it -- but the openness, willingness, and desire for another relationship has never gone away.
Then all of a sudden, a few different possibilities present themselves within a relatively short span of time. Life happens that way. If one is open to poly, it would be hard to avoid or refuse investigating such possibilities. That doesn't mean that any of them will advance to a relationship, but there is no harm in seeing if any potential is there.
I think you would do well not to get into this thinking that all these changes means that something is being "done to you" with bad intentions. You feel like you're being pushed away and you feel like you're receiving unclear communication, but are you? Or are your fears getting in the way of seeing and hearing clearly?
All good points. Nycindie you are right about a lot of this being my own fears. I'm getting in my own way and need to get out of my head. I'm actively reading More than Two and doing some exercises in there. I'm working on a daily relationship gratitude journal and contracting any negative thoughts. I'm working on focusing on enjoying the present moment.
I agree he's probably very excited about all the new possibilities that have recently arisen and I really am excited for him. That's why I'm trying to deal with this on my end, because I don't want to take away from his fun. I think these new connections are exactly what he needed to see that poly can work, because he wasn't having much luck and feeling down. I always hoped he'd find a partner first, because he was nervous about feeling left out if I was on a date.
Now, his communication can be unclear and confusing sometimes though. He also was not been upfront about a few things with his new partner which makes it a little harder to trust him, but I know mistakes are made at the beginning. He tells me and others that things are great one minute and the next that he's exhausted with us especially when I need to process something. Communication has become almost a dirty word and he's tired of how often we're talking. So, I feel like I need to talk less and I am, but that doesn't feel healthy to me. We talked a few hours two or three times during the rough patch, but that seemed necessary.
However, I think it has more to do with us trying to figure out where we stand now. He previously encouraged and actively got involved with my family, including my young child, and I did with him and his family. We've pulled back from family time after some recent talks. He now likes the idea of lifelong bachelorhood more than where we were going before. We had debated the idea of moving in together and moving closer was a test run which I did several months ago. He's recently said he doesn't want living together to be an option anymore. That hurts. We want different things from each other now. I love him and I loved the path we were on, but somewhere along the way he chose a different path. I don't really understand what changed for him except I became a full time mom around the same time when my ex moved away. I know that I would like that with someone one day. Someone to be more of a life partner and he will support me seeking that out as well. It's an adjustment to recognize that he doesn't want to be that person anymore, but we can still be together in different ways.
I agree he's probably very excited about all the new possibilities that have recently arisen and I really am excited for him. That's why I'm trying to deal with this on my end, because I don't want to take away from his fun. I think these new connections are exactly what he needed to see that poly can work, because he wasn't having much luck and feeling down. I always hoped he'd find a partner first, because he was nervous about feeling left out if I was on a date.
Now, his communication can be unclear and confusing sometimes though. He also was not been upfront about a few things with his new partner which makes it a little harder to trust him, but I know mistakes are made at the beginning. He tells me and others that things are great one minute and the next that he's exhausted with us especially when I need to process something. Communication has become almost a dirty word and he's tired of how often we're talking. So, I feel like I need to talk less and I am, but that doesn't feel healthy to me. We talked a few hours two or three times during the rough patch, but that seemed necessary.
However, I think it has more to do with us trying to figure out where we stand now. He previously encouraged and actively got involved with my family, including my young child, and I did with him and his family. We've pulled back from family time after some recent talks. He now likes the idea of lifelong bachelorhood more than where we were going before. We had debated the idea of moving in together and moving closer was a test run which I did several months ago. He's recently said he doesn't want living together to be an option anymore. That hurts. We want different things from each other now. I love him and I loved the path we were on, but somewhere along the way he chose a different path. I don't really understand what changed for him except I became a full time mom around the same time when my ex moved away. I know that I would like that with someone one day. Someone to be more of a life partner and he will support me seeking that out as well. It's an adjustment to recognize that he doesn't want to be that person anymore, but we can still be together in different ways.
Maybe he won't play as big of a role in your life, now that you and he have somewhat differing goals. It sounds like he wants a life that is footloose and fancy free, in which case it's no wonder communication makes him cringe. Communication isn't the fun part. NRE is the fun part.
I would just talk to him a little here and there and keep it light whenever possible.
I would just talk to him a little here and there and keep it light whenever possible.
IndieSolo
Active member
Oh, it could be very difficult not to be at least a little brokenhearted about those kinds of changes. That's understandable.
I think it is good to try to deal with these feelings on your own. We are often told we need lots and lots and lots of communication, but sometimes it is more productive and just as healthy not to constantly go over things with a partner. I used to have to remind myself, when I was upset with one of my ex-partners, that my feelings were not his responsibility. It helped me a great deal to work things out and come to terms with them internally rather than asking or confronting him.
I've also experienced that most men just don't feel the need to revisit issues once they've said their piece, so when a conversation happens, it is probably best to repeat things back to them the way we hear it, to make sure we understand them and can then go a little longer without rehashing stuff. Many women can get really wrapped up mentally in relationship issues, and we are thinkers most of the time, so it makes it hard not to keep bringing things up when we have questions or want clarity.
But it is a good learning experience to know that even if we are unclear or confused with our partners, that we can take care of ourselves.
I think it is good to try to deal with these feelings on your own. We are often told we need lots and lots and lots of communication, but sometimes it is more productive and just as healthy not to constantly go over things with a partner. I used to have to remind myself, when I was upset with one of my ex-partners, that my feelings were not his responsibility. It helped me a great deal to work things out and come to terms with them internally rather than asking or confronting him.
I've also experienced that most men just don't feel the need to revisit issues once they've said their piece, so when a conversation happens, it is probably best to repeat things back to them the way we hear it, to make sure we understand them and can then go a little longer without rehashing stuff. Many women can get really wrapped up mentally in relationship issues, and we are thinkers most of the time, so it makes it hard not to keep bringing things up when we have questions or want clarity.
But it is a good learning experience to know that even if we are unclear or confused with our partners, that we can take care of ourselves.
kdt26417 - I think you're exactly right that's what he wants now. I have to learn to be ok with that.
nycindie - You're right too. I am heartbroken about this change much more than I realized. I'm trying to focus on me and my daughter. I'm trying to enjoy the time he and I do have together, but to be ok with less and less. I'm working on it. It's hard, but the positive is that he's still a part of our lives even if it's different. I also know I can still be with him and look for what I want.
I've got to say I really appreciate all the support, understanding, and advice I've received so far on this site. Thank you! I needed the emotional support and I'm also planning to see a therapist again soon to help support as well.
nycindie - You're right too. I am heartbroken about this change much more than I realized. I'm trying to focus on me and my daughter. I'm trying to enjoy the time he and I do have together, but to be ok with less and less. I'm working on it. It's hard, but the positive is that he's still a part of our lives even if it's different. I also know I can still be with him and look for what I want.
I've got to say I really appreciate all the support, understanding, and advice I've received so far on this site. Thank you! I needed the emotional support and I'm also planning to see a therapist again soon to help support as well.
IndieSolo
Active member
You are most welcome!
I forgot to say something in my previous post about expectations. Gosh, they can really screw us up. When we have deep feelings for someone and find ourselves feeling attached to them, we usually start having all kinds of expectations and daydreams about where we want a relationship to go and what another person is "supposed to" do or be or say in order to fulfill those expectations. We've been societally conditioned to see relationships that way, and a lot of the time we aren't even conscious of the expectations we have. However, indulging in and holding onto unrealistic expectations can kill relationships more than anything else, I have learned.
Now, I am not talking about letting go of expectations that someone will do something they've promised to do. I still want people to show up when they say they will (but I won't wait around for an unreasonable length of time waiting for them to do it, either). I am talking about the fantasy expectations we often give into when we imagine a relationship being in a different (better, closer, more committed, whatever) place than it is. Those kinds of expectations are basically born out of not being happy and satisfied in the present and wishing things were different. But the only thing that can make us happy and satisfied in the present moment is to be present in the moment, and not wrapped up in our heads wishing for more or something else.
One of the best and most useful things I have done for myself, with regard to relationships, is to look at my expectations and see how they were setting me up to be unhappy while placing too much burden on other people. It's okay to have preferences, wants, desires, but to expect to have them met by others is where things get fucked up, and then we say or do things we regret and push others away. If we let go of expecting things from people, we won't be disappointed and our partners won't feel pressured. So, I try not to operate out of unconscious expectations. Instead I look for any expectations I have underneath my feelings, and examine them in the light of day. By acknowledging them, I don't have to let my expectations have power over me; and by reframing them as preferences, I can become more free to experience life and loving others in this moment and accepting my loved ones as they are without placing unrealistic and unnecessary burdens and obligations on them.
If you can find a copy of the old classic hippie book, Handbook to Higher Concsiousness by Ken Keyes, it talks a lot about all that.
I forgot to say something in my previous post about expectations. Gosh, they can really screw us up. When we have deep feelings for someone and find ourselves feeling attached to them, we usually start having all kinds of expectations and daydreams about where we want a relationship to go and what another person is "supposed to" do or be or say in order to fulfill those expectations. We've been societally conditioned to see relationships that way, and a lot of the time we aren't even conscious of the expectations we have. However, indulging in and holding onto unrealistic expectations can kill relationships more than anything else, I have learned.
Now, I am not talking about letting go of expectations that someone will do something they've promised to do. I still want people to show up when they say they will (but I won't wait around for an unreasonable length of time waiting for them to do it, either). I am talking about the fantasy expectations we often give into when we imagine a relationship being in a different (better, closer, more committed, whatever) place than it is. Those kinds of expectations are basically born out of not being happy and satisfied in the present and wishing things were different. But the only thing that can make us happy and satisfied in the present moment is to be present in the moment, and not wrapped up in our heads wishing for more or something else.
One of the best and most useful things I have done for myself, with regard to relationships, is to look at my expectations and see how they were setting me up to be unhappy while placing too much burden on other people. It's okay to have preferences, wants, desires, but to expect to have them met by others is where things get fucked up, and then we say or do things we regret and push others away. If we let go of expecting things from people, we won't be disappointed and our partners won't feel pressured. So, I try not to operate out of unconscious expectations. Instead I look for any expectations I have underneath my feelings, and examine them in the light of day. By acknowledging them, I don't have to let my expectations have power over me; and by reframing them as preferences, I can become more free to experience life and loving others in this moment and accepting my loved ones as they are without placing unrealistic and unnecessary burdens and obligations on them.
If you can find a copy of the old classic hippie book, Handbook to Higher Concsiousness by Ken Keyes, it talks a lot about all that.
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nycindie - That's definitely something I've become more aware of. I came into this relationship with none. It was my first relationship after my divorce. A friend mentioned expectations recently as part of the issue. It snuck up on me and maybe that changed things more than I realized. I will check for that book asap! I really do need to work on that.