Love and polyamory challenges

[Bobbi]

Thank you all for your replies, that clarifies a lot !


Let me explain with a different example
Today I have quite high expectations and that makes super hard to find the perfect person
I have the feeling that going polyamory could be a "solution" to allow myself to lower my expectations to have multiple partners that fulfill my needs/criterias.

I know I can connect super deep and fall in love with someone that is passionate by music
Exactly the same for health and fitness topics
I think love would be stronger with 1 partner with whom I share both passions versus having multiple partners with a bit weaker connection.

That's what I meant when I said "abandonment of the quest for true love".
Accepting easier a person in my life because as a polyamory I can find another one

The beauty of poly is that you don't have to end one connection to pursue another. Some will be stronger than others. If you are enjoying music with someone, you can keep seeing them for that purpose. But would you really want to be a partner with someone you only have one thing in common with? Make it a friend and call it a day. In the end, you need to decide if you love the whole person or if you are just collecting need-fulfilling people. If it's the former, then keep going. If it's the latter, then you are probably hurting people via using them for what you can get from them. If you find someone who IS the whole package, loves and connects with you on all levels, what then? Would you dump all your partners for the all-in-one package?

I used to believe that no one person can be everything you want and need, and then I found one. It's super rare, but absolutely possible. Then what?

Be honest with yourself and with others. As long as you are transparently honest, so your partners can have full informed consent, and repeat regularly, you can ethically live what's true to you, polyamory or some other type of non-monogamy.

 

[ref2018]

Today I have quite high expectations and that makes super hard to find the perfect person

No one is perfect, that's why you're finding it "super hard." You'll have to settle for one or more imperfect people, or go without any. We usually just call these imperfect people "human beings."

 

[aarbee]

Hello everyone,
I'm currently exploring the topic of polyamory to understand better if it's for me or not.
I've had many happy, long-term monogamous relationships. At first glance, I think I am capable of loving multiple people simultaneously. I also have the time and a bit of emotional intelligence to manage it

At the moment, I see polyamory as a kind of training ground for monogamy. As a young person, you can explore different relationships under the polyamory label until you experience something very serious, like truly falling in love.
I also believe that some people turn to polyamory for the wrong reasons and I want to make sure I won't become one of those people

I have a few questions and would love to hear about your experiences and feelings:

1. Imagine you have three key qualities that are very important to you. Would you prefer to find one person who embodies all three qualities, or three separate people, each fulfilling one of the qualities? Do you believe love is more passionate and stronger in the first scenario or the second one?
2. In your personal experience, what was the trigger point that made you realize you are polyamorous?
3. Isn't polyamory a kind of abandonment of the quest for true love?

Thank you for your insights and advice!

• Consider, if you will, these, as the key qualities: My suggested three are: social; intellectual; sexual. In the attached diagram of overlapping circles, I show how the qualities are shared by members of our relationship. The relative size of each numeral indicates its magnitude in that segment of the relationship. In a relationship between just two people, the absence, or at least shortage, of just one of these "qualities" can eventually lead to friction. However, with us there's enough of these qualities shared to "even out" the relationship. My friend provides the additional sex desired by my wife, and the intellectual stimulation desired by me.

 

[Openbook23]

If 'true love' means one person who has everything you ever need, then I guess polyam might mean giving that up, but only because that's just not realistic. I'm not sure anyone can measure up to that, and part of polyam is recognizing that (I think healthy monogamy could use that insight as well though). However, I TRULY love all my partners, once I love them. Love doesn't require perfection from either person. It requires commitment, reciprocity, communication, growth...lots of things. But none of them are about the perfection of either partner.

Rather than a checklist of needs, I would recommend a checklist of deal breakers. If the person is not willing/able to communicate, to meet their partner's most basic needs, to remain emotionally engaged...I'm out. Certainly, I'm attracted to certain things--intelligence, curiosity, certain physical attributes (that are hard to list...you just feel it). But there are degrees to all of those things.

The beauty of polyam is that you don't need any one partner to meet all your needs/wants. But there are still some of those that you require from EVERY partner. To me, these are all found under the basic umbrellas of self-awareness and emotional availability. The rest is just growing together.