Love and polyamory challenges

[pietro]

Hello everyone,
I'm currently exploring the topic of polyamory to understand better if it's for me or not.
I've had many happy, long-term monogamous relationships. At first glance, I think I am capable of loving multiple people simultaneously. I also have the time and a bit of emotional intelligence to manage it

At the moment, I see polyamory as a kind of training ground for monogamy. As a young person, you can explore different relationships under the polyamory label until you experience something very serious, like truly falling in love.
I also believe that some people turn to polyamory for the wrong reasons and I want to make sure I won't become one of those people

I have a few questions and would love to hear about your experiences and feelings:

1. Imagine you have three key qualities that are very important to you. Would you prefer to find one person who embodies all three qualities, or three separate people, each fulfilling one of the qualities? Do you believe love is more passionate and stronger in the first scenario or the second one?
2. In your personal experience, what was the trigger point that made you realize you are polyamorous?
3. Isn't polyamory a kind of abandonment of the quest for true love?

Thank you for your insights and advice!

 

[Evie]

Can you handle the people you love also loving multiple people simultaneously? Because that's also incredibly important in sustainable polycules (network of relationships). If not, walk away before you hurt yourself.

 

[pietro]

Can you handle the people you love also loving multiple people simultaneously? Because that's also incredibly important in sustainable polycules (network of relationships). If not, walk away before you hurt yourself.

I think yes, I'll know it for sure the day I'll be in that situation

 

[ref2018]

At the moment, I see polyamory as a kind of training ground for monogamy.

That's just called "dating".

As a young person, you can explore different relationships under the polyamory label

Again, that's just called "dating" and does not need "the polyamory label".

until you experience something very serious, like truly falling in love.

Polyamory means "many loves" so you can experience something very serious, like truly falling in love, with more than one person.

 

[aarbee]

I can relate my experience. I'm in a 3-way relationship with my wife, and my good friend, an unmarried straight male. He lives in a different city, so our get-togethers are for a few days at a time, every so often. My wife and used my friend as a sort of experiment, to see if we would like the sexual adventure of a three-way "excursion". He's a horn-dog, so he enthusiastically agreed to the experiment.

We learned that we did indeed enjoy the experience, and continue to do so...eight years later. I'd be glad to provide more information, if you'd like.

 

[Magdlyn]

I'm currently exploring the topic of polyamory to understand better if it's for me or not.
I've had many happy, long-term monogamous relationships. At first glance, I think I am capable of loving multiple people simultaneously. I also have the time and a bit of emotional intelligence to manage it

That sounds good. Welcome to the group.

At the moment, I see polyamory as a kind of training ground for monogamy. As a young person, you can explore different relationships under the polyamory label until you experience something very serious, like truly falling in love.

Actually this is incorrect. Polyamory means many loves. Poly is Greek for many, amory is love in Latin. Therefore, what is sought is multiple people to actually love and commit to. Yes, truly fall in love with more than one person at a time. You might marry one of your partners, if you go that far up the relationship escalator. You might marry one and handfast with another, since you can't legally marry more than one.

There are as many ways to do poly as there are people practicing it, but it's all about loving more than one, not just dating around until you find Mr or Ms Right. That's just regular mainstream dating!

Are you this young person looking for a monogamous relationship? You say you've had many long-term mono relationships. Or are you older and wanting to have more than one partner, and travel only partway up the relationship escalator?

What is the Relationship Escalator? – Off the Relationship Escalator

offescalator.com

Don't present yourself as polyamorous on dating sites if all you want is to settle down with one person. That will end up hurting the poly people you might meet.

I also believe that some people turn to polyamory for the wrong reasons and I want to make sure I won't become one of those people

What are these "wrong reasons" you've seen?

I have a few questions and would love to hear about your experiences and feelings:

1. Imagine you have three key qualities that are very important to you. Would you prefer to find one person who embodies all three qualities, or three separate people, each fulfilling one of the qualities? Do you believe love is more passionate and stronger in the first scenario or the second one?

Every person is unique with many different important qualities. This question is kinda off base. My love for my partners is passionate and strong because they both embody many great qualities that I enjoy and benefit from. They are more than the sum of their parts.

1. In your personal experience, what was the trigger point that made you realize you are polyamorous?

I feel I was born that way. I dated three guys at once when I was 19 and it felt very natural. I took a break from poly to marry, be mono and raise children. As soon as they hit their late teens and I had more time to myself, I was back to practicing polyamory.

1. Isn't polyamory a kind of abandonment of the quest for true love?

Nope. Polyamorists are truly in love with their partners. You seem to think it's only possible to love one person at a time.

Thank you for your insights and advice!

Edit: sorry I posted in the wrong forum - should be in "General Poly Discussions" instead

No, this section is fine, actually. I'm guessing you'll apply the feedback to your own dating and love life.

Since you seem confused about what polyamory is, I will recommend you read some articles and books, to be found here (and there's a good podcast too):

https://polyamory.com/threads/most-commonly-cited-advice-articles-master-thread.155304/

 

[pietro]

That's just called "dating".

I think "dating" is the seduction phase, you only scratch the surface. Once you're committed in a relationship, you keep "dating", but you find other challenges.
You have to grow personally, learn being with someone, connect at a deeper level and build strong foundations like trust and deep connection.

I meant training ground in the sense that you can learn at a fast pace how to live/interact/love with different types of person.
I think with a poly experience you can understand better and quicker who you are and what type of person you're the most compatible with
That's why I said, for some people it could be used as a "few years" experience training

Polyamory means "many loves" so you can experience something very serious, like truly falling in love, with more than one person.

I know it means many loves, but the strength of love can fluctuate. So, what happens if all three of my relationships are stable and suddenly I meet someone new, feeling something completely different and inexplicable? This might make me start questioning what love truly is.
My point is, I don't want to love my partners at a 7/10 level only or inequalities between then that I have to hide to avoid to hurt feelings

 

[Magdlyn]

Actually, I didn't like that link about the relationship escalator. It was more geared for monogamists. This is my poly version.

You meet a person and travel up the escalator. You can get off at any floor (no need to go all the way up to be successful) and you might do things out of order, to a degree. Starting from the bottom:

Meet (on a dating site)
Start chatting online
Move to phone calls
Meet in person
Start dating (going out)
Text throughout the day, especially saying good morning, good night
Kiss, make out
Have sex
Spend the night
Decide how often you want to see each other
Maybe become "official"
Start to meet each other's friends
Spend a weekend together
Start doing household chores together at the house/apartment you spend time in
Think about living together
Become each other's "plus one" at events
Take vacations together
Move in together
Maybe meet the parents
Get a pet together
Spend birthdays and some holidays together
Think about having kids
Maybe combine your finances (or not, depending)
Buy a house
Get married
Have kids
Raise kids
Enjoy the empty nest
Retire

Now, in polyamory, you're seeing multiple people. Say you have two partners. Maybe you live with one during the week, and live with the other one on the weekends. They take turns taking you on vacations, or to weddings, holidays, birthdays, etc. You may have kids with one but not the other. You might marry one, or handfast one, or both, or neither. Maybe you're past child-rearing age so the kid issue is moot. Maybe you are solo poly and don't live with any of your partners. Maybe your partners both live with you, or maybe they don't hang out ever (or very rarely). Maybe one of your partners is long distance and you only see them a couple times a year for an extended visit or vacation style thing.

You can tailor everything to your own heart's desire. And you can be deeply madly in love with all of your partners.

 

[Magdlyn]

I think "dating" is the seduction phase, you only scratch the surface. Once you're committed in a relationship, you keep "dating", but you find other challenges.
You have to grow personally, learn being with someone, connect at a deeper level and build strong foundations like trust and deep connection.

I meant training ground in the sense that you can learn at a fast pace how to live/interact/love with different types of person.
I think with a poly experience you can understand better and quicker who you are and what type of person you're the most compatible with
That's why I said, for some people it could be used as a "few years" experience training

Polyamory is NOT a training ground for monogamy, is the point. It is its own love style, where you don't have to choose.

I know it means many loves, but the strength of love can fluctuate. So, what happens if all three of my relationships are stable and suddenly I meet someone new, feeling something completely different and inexplicable? This might make me start questioning what love truly is.
My point is, I don't want to love my partners at a 7/10 level only or inequalities between then that I have to hide to avoid to hurt feelings

You can live your entire life learning what "love" means to you. There are many different kinds and degrees of love. The ancient Greeks defined several kinds of love. If you mean romantic love, yes, it can be a matter of degree.

You never need to "hide your feelings" in love. If you don't love someone "enough," it's okay to move on. Maybe you've outgrown them, or you've gotten to understand better what you want and deserve. Sometimes you meet someone and you become infatuated, but after a while you realize it was just an initial attraction and you're not long-term compatible. It's not really deep lasting love. That's why you shouldn't make any long term commitments in the first year or two of meeting someone.

 

[ref2018]

I think "dating" is the seduction phase, you only scratch the surface. Once you're committed in a relationship, you keep "dating", but you find other challenges.
You have to grow personally, learn being with someone, connect at a deeper level and build strong foundations like trust and deep connection.

I meant training ground in the sense that you can learn at a fast pace how to live/interact/love with different types of person.
I think with a poly experience you can understand better and quicker who you are and what type of person you're the most compatible with
That's why I said, for some people it could be used as a "few years" experience training

I know it means many loves, but the strength of love can fluctuate. So, what happens if all three of my relationships are stable and suddenly I meet someone new, feeling something completely different and inexplicable? This might make me start questioning what love truly is.
My point is, I don't want to love my partners at a 7/10 level only or inequalities between then that I have to hide to avoid to hurt feelings

Maybe you're better off just staying monogamous since that appears to be what you want.

 

[pietro]

Are you this young person looking for a monogamous relationship? You say you've had many long-term mono relationships. Or are you older and wanting to have more than one partner, and travel only partway up the relationship escalator?

I'm not looking for anything and open to everything
I'm just here to learn and explore the topic

I've listened to both successful and unsuccessful podcasts and feedback about polyamory, and I'm trying to understand if this "model" is right for me.

Thanks for the replies and resources you've shared; I'll look into them further.

 

[pietro]

I know it means many loves, but the strength of love can fluctuate. So, what happens if all three of my relationships are stable and suddenly I meet someone new, feeling something completely different and inexplicable? This might make me start questioning what love truly is.
My point is, I don't want to love my partners at a 7/10 level only or inequalities between then that I have to hide to avoid to hurt feelings

Actually, this answer makes no sense, because same problematic is applicable to mono also

 

[kdt26417]

Hello pietro,

In polyamory, you can fall in love with multiple people. Having said that, there are wrong reasons for turning to poly and you should try to avoid those.

I am not particular about whether one person has three key qualities for me, or whether three people have one key quality each. Either outcome is fine, I don't have to be in a poly relationship, although I'm glad I'm in one. For me love and passion are equally strong in both monogamy and in polyamory.

My trigger point, for realizing that I could be polyamorous, was when I fell in love with a married woman, and she did some research on the web and discovered polyamory. Hence, she discovered she could conceivably be in romantic relationships with both her husband and with me (as long as her husband and I both consented).

In polyamory, your quest for true love can be fulfilled in multiple people. This is not to say that poly is for everyone, it's just saying that it can be for some.

Just some thoughts,
Kevin T.

 

[Ariakas]

At the moment, I see polyamory as a kind of training ground for monogamy. As a young person, you can explore different relationships under the polyamory label until you experience something very serious, like truly falling in love.
I also believe that some people turn to polyamory for the wrong reasons and I want to make sure I won't become one of those people

I have a few questions and would love to hear about your experiences and feelings:

1. Imagine you have three key qualities that are very important to you. Would you prefer to find one person who embodies all three qualities, or three separate people, each fulfilling one of the qualities? Do you believe love is more passionate and stronger in the first scenario or the second one?

While i hate jig saw poly, the answer is, it varies. Some are 2 parts, some are 3 parts, some might even be no parts. I have partnered with people the outside world would not see as partners for someone like myself. So be open

1. In your personal experience, what was the trigger point that made you realize you are polyamorous?

I fell in love with one of my threesome unicorns. She had no interest in love and just wanted to fuck. Falling in love emotionally broke me, until I figured out why.

1. Isn't polyamory a kind of abandonment of the quest for true love?

One true love yes.

and .. interesting question but there could be an argument that each person you add could devalue the love you feel. So while the pot is endless, capacity in all its measurements, is not.

Other folks believe love is every expanding and all love is both equal and true.

Some folks love everyone, and collect people into buckets of relationship types.

So again, it depends.

 

[Evie]

Hello everyone,
At the moment, I see polyamory as a kind of training ground for monogamy.

I could argue the reverse

As a young person, you can explore different relationships under the polyamory label until you experience something very serious, like truly falling in love.

Most young people are still serial monogamists.

You seem rather vehement that there is only the possibility to be serious with and fall in love with one person. I know you're trying to deconstruct this. Ask yourself where you learned this value from. Was it watching what you saw of your parents' marriage? Your grandparents' marriage? TV? Movies? The Bible or Qur'an? Some other religious text?

I also believe that some people turn to polyamory for the wrong reasons and I want to make sure I won't become one of those people.

Like trying to create your ideal relationship out of two or three or more different ones, a la your question 1. below?

I have a few questions and would love to hear about your experiences and feelings:

1. Imagine you have three key qualities that are very important to you. Would you prefer to find one person who embodies all three qualities, or three separate people, each fulfilling one of the qualities? Do you believe love is more passionate and stronger in the first scenario or the second one?

I'd prefer, and I'm more likely to find three people that embody all three qualities. I don't try and fill gaps from one relationship with another. If someone doesn't have all the qualities that I value, they aren't going to become a relationship partner. That would be an incompatibly, and I don't settle for incompatible people, I end incompatible relationships.

1. In your personal experience, what was the trigger point that made you realize you are polyamorous?

Even from teenagehood, although I didn't have the vocabulary for it back then.

1. Isn't polyamory a kind of abandonment of the quest for true love?

Quite the opposite, it's the embracing of true love whenever it eventuates. I don't have to end one relationship to develop another, like serial monogamists are required to do. I also don't tend to "quest" for anything. I meet interesting people, we begin a conversation, and I allow each one to go as far as it naturally will. Occasionally, I fall in love with that person. What I don't have to do, because I practice polyamory, is cut any of these connections short so I don't have an affair. I can have concurrent loving relationships.

 

[Bobbi]

At the moment, I see polyamory as a kind of training ground for monogamy.

I wholeheartedly disagree. Poly is monogamy on hard mode. It's hard enough to navigate learning to have one healthy relationship. The more you add, the more difficult it gets. Poly requires skills that just aren't needed in monogamy.

As a young person, you can explore different relationships under the polyamory label until you experience something very serious, like truly falling in love.

That's called dating, not polyamory. Poly is "truly falling in love" with more than one person. The problem is, young people don't know how to date! They get a crush, or hook up, or go on one date, then expect to be exclusive. THAT is what slows them down! They need to learn how to DATE. That means dating several people at once to learn what works, what doesn't, what they need and what their dealbreakers are. After they find one that has what they are looking for and feelings of true love develop, THEN they discuss being exclusive (if monogamous).

I also believe that some people turn to polyamory for the wrong reasons and I want to make sure I won't become one of those people.

I'd say single people that might turn to poly for the wrong reasons might be 1. Harem building 2. Lack of accountability/perceived less of a need to not be a douche 3. They don't really understand poly and think it means they can just fuck whomever without it meaning anything to anyone, without ever intending to build a true loving relationship.

Couples that become poly for the wrong reasons 1. To fix an otherwise ending relationship 2. Because someone cheated and now wants to use poly to make the cheating okay and continue the cheating 3. To bring in a third person to spice up their sex life.

You are single. If you want to live a life where both you AND your partners can develop deep meaningful, loving, committed relationships for the rest of your life, then you are doing it for the right reasons. If you want to do poly until you find the one, then it's not poly. It's called dating. Just tell your dates that you will be dating non-monogamously until you find your person. There are lots of flavors of non-monogamy you can practice, but calling it poly when it's not is what's wrong.

Imagine you have three key qualities that are very important to you. Would you prefer to find one person who embodies all three qualities, or three separate people, each fulfilling one of the qualities? Do you believe love is more passionate and stronger in the first scenario or the second one?

Only 3? I'd want every partner to have them all. It's a low bar!

I find passionate love to be very rare. However, you can have passionate relationships, passionate sex, etc. The only thing needed for that is passionate chemistry. That could even happen with someone you don't like. I'll leave all that behind, I want something real. I believe the strongest love comes from shared values, visions, personal passions, morals (although some survive differences), lifestyles, living conditions, intellectual stimulation, sex, emotional care, love languages, communication styles and honesty, etc. The more you connect in the stronger the love case be.

In your personal experience, what was the trigger point that made you realize you are polyamorous?

I don't believe poly is an orientation (some believe it is, and that's okay, maybe it is for them and they cannot be anything else). For me it's a choice. I chose to be poly initially to not have to end a relationship that was very meaningful to me but not giving me what I needed. That relationship ended anyway. I stayed poly because the personal growth I've had from practicing poly was life changing. I love and cherish my partners and what they bring to my life. I cherish the amount of communication, understanding and commitment we all give to the relationships. We truly honor each other and don't take the relationships for granted. I'll never go back to a monogamous relationship.

 

[Bobbi]

Isn't polyamory a kind of abandonment of the quest for true love?

Nope. It's quite the opposite. You are looking for true love and can have more than one at a time.

 

[Albert Ross]

What does "true" love mean to you? Without knowing that definition, it's hard to know what to say. All of the reasoning in your post seems predicated on there being something called "true" love that whatever you think "polyamory" is doesn't include.

 

[pietro]

Thank you all for your replies, that clarifies a lot !

What does "true" love mean to you? Without knowing that definition, it's hard to know what to say. All of the reasoning in your post seems predicated on there being something called "true" love that whatever you think "polyamory" is doesn't include.

Let me explain with a different example
Today I have quite high expectations and that makes super hard to find the perfect person
I have the feeling that going polyamory could be a "solution" to allow myself to lower my expectations to have multiple partners that fulfill my needs/criterias.

I know I can connect super deep and fall in love with someone that is passionate by music
Exactly the same for health and fitness topics
I think love would be stronger with 1 partner with whom I share both passions versus having multiple partners with a bit weaker connection.

That's what I meant when I said "abandonment of the quest for true love".
Accepting easier a person in my life because as a polyamory I can find another one

 

[Ariakas]

I know I can connect super deep and fall in love with someone that is passionate by music
Exactly the same for health and fitness topics
I think love would be stronger with 1 partner with whom I share both passions versus having multiple partners with a bit weaker connection.

this really isn't uncommon. I see it all the time, I call it the jig saw poly effect. I remember people piecing together a "complete" connection using poly.

This is way more common than most poly people are willing to admit

It isn't the only way though.