Love, Family, Friendship

and Jen gets a girlfriend...

Trinity and I had a long heart-to-heart last night, and the night ending with an amazing threesome with Trinity, Fox and me. They fell asleep together. I got up with the kids. Hers spent the night too, so she didn't have to have her mom watch them.

I stepped into the room while they were asleep and I couldn't help but smile. The two of them spooning made my heart happy. This is what it's suppose to be like. This is amazing!

Last night was so full of love and respect and... holy, am I having NRE for this? She wants a relationship with me, so I'm giving it a shot. I've never had a girlfriend before.

She said she has feelings for both of us and it's nice to have them returned. I hope that Fox can return them too. I think they are there for him, but he has been holding back for my sake. I think that is why it upset me so much. I felt like he was lying about his feelings for her, and he always says "I don't want to upset you."

Trinity and I talked today. She is now my girlfriend. :)
 
So our little threesome becomes more.

I still place Trinity as secondary to me and definitely secondary to Fox. I am giving them plenty of time together, though it's hard sometimes, because I want time with her! Hopefully tomorrow Trinity is coming over, and Fox is going out with his friends, so Trinity and I will get some time together. It's so crazy feeling right now. I want to just cuddle with Trinity and have alone time with her, which I hope I will get tomorrow (well, today, since it's past midnight). She's here now. She is spending the night and we are all going to be sleeping together. I'm excited!

Okay, now to be sociable and such.
 
Another great night with my boyfriend and girlfriend. We all got a little alone time and we spent time all together.

I'm trying to encourage the two of them to spend more time together, alone. I know it's hard with me not having a car, but it needs to happen.

I wish we had been alone when she got here yesterday, but I'd told a friend she could come over to save her from a guy who is bothering her. This friend is almost getting annoying, but she's going through a rough time and she does do things for me, so its not like she's mooching. She's just always over.

We (Trinity and I) have agreed we need intimate time; now to figure out how and when, with four kids involved.
 
So I actually had Fox tell me I ask for sex too much. That was a hurtful conversation. He said it felt like our relationship was all about sex, which it's not. I did ask for sex about 10 hours after the last time, but I didn't push the issue at all.

I don't know how to handle this. I'm more aggressive than he about sex, and apparently have a larger appetite. I don't want or need to have any other lovers, but my gf and I don't get much time together.

I thought we were more in sync because, in the beginning, we had sex every day.

I'm sad and confused. I can't help but think he wants her and not me, even though I know that's not true. I mean, he finally moved most of the rest of his stuff.

I love him, and he knows it really upset me, but he has plans tonight so we have to put off talking about it. It's probably better for me to talk to a few friends about it first, anyway.

I'm afraid more that he's pulling away because of John's imminent arrival and the fact that lately his relationships haven't lasted any longer than we've been together

I need to feel secure, and he seems to be pulling back. I know he's scared. I am too, but I think it's worth it, and he says he does, too.
 
Life is a funny thing

So after our "You ask for sex too much" talk, the next night/morning we had sex three times, all at his initiation. We also decided to try dom/sub for a while. It's a role we both feel comfortable in, him being my dom.

I am a little scared, worried and upset, and I don't know why. I need a little cuddle time and Fox keeps putting me off, yesterday to set up his room, today to play a video game.

It's not him and Trinity, because they spent a while together today and it didn't make me feel any worse. I kinda just want to cry. Maybe I'm hitting depression again, but why, I have no idea. I have every reason to be happy right now.

If John were here, he would hold me and everything would be better. Maybe I'm just missing him more, since we've had a lot of tension between us.

I need to pour my heart out, but I don't even know who is best to do that with, or where to begin.
 
Sometimes all you need is a little alone time

I asked Fox for 45 minutes of alone time, no phones, nothing but us, and it made me feel 100% better. Now my two hours on the phone with John and Trinity is over, so Fox and Trinity get alone time while I talk to John. Then all of us can curl up together, or maybe I'll steal Trinity away for some alone time with her.
 
Things are going great

Fox and I have a date tonight. I got a babysitter for the little one.

And Trinity and I will get quality time Wednesday.

I'm getting use to everything. It's becoming a lot easier to deal with Fox and Trinity having sex. It turns me on, but when it's over, I get a panic attack. I'm working on it. Well, we all are. They came in the room with me after they were done and we spent a little cuddle time together.

We all cuddled on the bed until Trinity had to go home. She came over early today and crawled into bed with us. I'm loving this so far.
 
Time management

We had a talk about time management today over text. We agreed to talk about it more in person later. We have a issue with this, mostly because I can't leave here, with no car, and with them unable to go elsewhere, since she lives with her mom, who is VERY traditional. I mean, Fox has a room here, but it's next to the bedroom we sleep in. I told them that they need to take a night together, in his room, alone.

Trinity and I got some alone time today. I love sex and snuggling with her. This kind of relationship is new to me, but I'm enjoying it. I know it's new to her, too. We are both kinda shy and a little awkward. But I'm enjoying it, so far.

Fox and I will always have more time together, since he lives here, but I need to make sure our time is quality, because he is so busy with work, and the weekends are all he really has. He works 10s, so he is nothing but sleep and work on work days. I understand it. We still get a little time together at night, but usually he's too tired to really have a discussion, though we do sometimes have sex.

Lately he's been playing a lot of video games. He's needed the distraction. Work's been retarded and I think the new relationship status is stressing him a little bit. I know that he's been withdrawn, unless I specifically ask for quality time and such, which he gives without complaint or delay, most of the time.

I try to give him time to himself. With work, and the stress of two fairly new relationships, he needs alone time. I get time to myself and so does Trinity, while I am always around, since, as previously stated, I am carless. And with the kids, I don't have the ability to get out as much. So, I have to give him time when I'm here, and it's hard, because I want to be with him.

So yeah, time management.
 
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So confused

Trinity and I are stepping back our relationship. She's uncomfortable with where we were, so we are stepping back. It should be nice to just cuddle and stuff without the pressure of sex. I think I'm looking forward to it.

Fox and Trinity are going to do some errands that Fox told me we would do today on Saturday. I found out through Trinity, not Fox, that he invited her to go, and implied only she was going. I decided to not get upset about it, at least not publicly. I told Fox that it bothered me because he said we'd do it, and he apologized. It involves going to meet his ex-wife, so I'm not sure how I feel about him taking her. I so want to show up his ex. That's a personal thing. I know it is. I need to get over it.

My counselor says its an ABC thing. There is an event that makes me feel X, that only I can change to Y. I can't control A.

I can't control how other people feel or think or what they want. All I can do is change how I feel, think, etc.

I can choose to be grateful to Fox for what I get from him. He gives me so much, and he asks for nothing. I try to give him anything he wants and all that he needs, though I know that I can't. That's why he has Trinity too. Sometimes the best thing you can do is allow them to care about someone else. Allow them to find someone who can fill them the rest of the way up.

I'm a jumble of emotions. My thoughts are flitting from place to place. I don't even know what I am thinking. I'm writing to look at this later and see what I was feeling and thinking

I know my thoughts are irrational, and I have no basis to think them, but I still feel like I'm losing him. I still feel like I am all alone. Things like him not coming to bed last night really hurt me. I need to feel like I have his attention 100%, at least for a little while every day.

I'll need to have that time with Trinity whenever possible, and I will need that time with John too. How do I make time for everyone? How do I feel like all my relationships are in a good place? I have to get what I need from these relationships. Right now, John gets up to two hours with me every night, over the phone, and it makes me feel connected and secure in our relationship.

I know I need that one-on-one time. I'm needy, I guess. I need everyday time, even if it's just a little while. Over the phone works, when it's the only option, but in-person and undistracted is best for my needs.

Being strong willed about my needs is probably my problem. I really need to talk to Fox about my needs and that he has to fulfill those needs. I have the right to be happy, and to be happy how I want to be happy, with the things that make me happy.

There are things that annoy me, but those are not things that don't make me happy. The things that annoy me only annoy me because I'm not getting what I need.

I'm just rambling, I know. But I need a place I can separate my thoughts into reasonable and unreasonable.

I have no idea if anyone reads this.

I know I'm crazy. I have proof. I know I'm difficult. I know I demand a lot, and I'm thankful for those who have been able to give me what I need and make me happy.
 
First Fight

So Fox and I had our first yelling fight. Everything up to this point has been calm discussions on differences.

I saw something one way. He saw it another, and he felt accused by me, so it turned into an actual fight.

Then he did something I hate, picking up his phone to read a text while we were talking about important stuff or spending quality time together. I stormed off to cool down, which just mad him madder. We yelled a lot, but it was still constructive.

He told me I need to not worry so much. It seems that we always have to go with his go-with-the-flow way of doing things and not my plan-it-out way. I don't care if the plan works out perfectly, but I want a plan.

I'm feeling like things are always either a compromise, or his way, never mine. I mean, we compromise on a lot, because we are very different in a lot of ways. And we stick to those compromises.

I know I can't push him to plan when he's not a planner.
 
Primary, Seconday

Fox and I finally had an open talk about primary relationships and where we were and how he felt. He said I am his primary, but he doesn't feel like mine, and won't feel like mine until John gets home and everything goes smoothly.

He did place Trinity as his secondary, though we agreed the terms were not the best way to describe it.

We also agreed on at least one date night for me and at least one date night for Trinity a week.

I'm still getting used to the date night with Trinity. I feel like I need it first, but then I feel selfish. I had a panic attack when theirs was over the other night. I need to find some way of getting over the emotions I am feeling, but I can't even pinpoint them.

I guess I feel like I'm going to lose him to her. I know that is crazy. She is just a little more than a fuck buddy to him. He's not in love with her, or living with her, or even thinking about committing to her the way he is with me. I am his primary I am his primary I am his primary

He said we can talk about a handfasting in three months after John gets home. I'll move that to John leaving. That puts us in mid-April. I want it so bad though. He wants to be the one to ask me to make that commitment when I've already said I would. It's hard to bite my tongue on something that was okay to talk about, but isn't now.

He says it's moving too fast. Well, it wasn't too fast for him to move in with me essentially after a few weeks. I guess his stops are just in weird places for me. I feel like he keeps comparing our relationship to the one he had with his ex-wife. I could just as easily compare ours to mine and Drew's (the guy who sexually abused me), and maybe I do. But I'm not willing to do something because of that comparison, or not do it, as the case may be.

I need to work on communicating my boundaries, what I'm okay with and what I'm not (not that those won't change in the future), but what I need right now. I need to figure how to set those boundaries without feeling controlling or manipulative.
 
Trouble brews

I found out that Trinity occasionally partakes in the smoking of certain herbal relaxants. This is a dealbreaker to me. I have kids that I don't have custody of. I could lose my time with my daughter if I were "hanging out with drug users." Fox is a sheriff deputy in the county we were in when she did, so it would mean bad things for her to get in trouble for it in that county.

And if it's a dealbreaker, she can't be around me or my kids. Period. So if Fox wants to keep seeing her, he will have to do it outside of the house. This is really hard for me because I am falling for her.

I didn't think she was a user because she has kids of her own, but I guess she doesn't see the harm in it. I'm worried about my kids and Fox's job here.
 
riftara said:
If Fox wants to keep seeing her, he will have to do it outside of the house.
Click to expand...

Personally, I would be more specific and say not within 100 yards (or a mile) of the property and yourself. You don't want to come home and find they have been smoking on the front porch/backyard, which is technically "outside the house."
 
I think Riftara meant that if Fox wants to spend time with Trinity, period, it has to be outside of her home. Like, Trinity is no longer welcome in her house, smoking or no.
 
Yes, it I find that she is still doing it after our talk about it, then it will be over for me. And if Fox wants to continue to take the risk of dating her, then I don't want the relationship to be around my children, or her to be around my children. I do have friends that smoke, but my kids never see them. Since Fox lives with me, his choice of lover has to be okay with me on my children's level. My children see Trinity a lot right now and our kids play together often. She's too big a part of our lives to risk her being caught up in legal troubles, especially in the county where Fox works, which is where she goes out most of the time.
 
I'm still a little miffed at Trinity, but she said she was sorry and she will do anything to prove that. I hope that this gets worked out and she doesn't do it again.

I told her how I feel about her. She admitted that she's scared and that she's emotionally walled. I want to get through that wall so bad. I want to be the reason she smiles in the mornings.

I am trying to encourage her to open up. I know something is bothering her, but she won't tell me what. She gives excuses that I know aren't the real reasons. I'm really good at reading people's emotions.

I'm afraid of pushing her too hard, though.
 
I'm going crazy

I'm in an episode, and the fact that Trinity is not returning my feelings is not helping. Everyone has been asking me if I'm okay the past few days, even my mother. My mom is coming to get the kids and I'm going off the grid for a few days. Not answering texts or phone calls or emails for a few days will help me focus on processing, so will writing out my feelings here.

I'm looking forward to getting our new puppy. It will give me something to focus on. Apparently this pup howls. :) I've always wanted a dog that howls. Of course, being a wolf, it's going to. That's right, I'm getting a wolf dog in about four days.

I'm stressed beyond belief right now. I don't know what to do about anything and when I'm unable to make decisions I know that I'm going to be manic really soon. I have been taking my meds but I'm not stable at all. I bought a new book on handling bipolar. I guess now would be a good time to read it. I was going to wait on John because it has things for loved ones of people with bipolar.

I'm falling in love with Trinity. I feel like I'm falling apart because she is so scared. She's never been with a woman before. I wish she would just open up to me. Everyone wants me to be patient, and I know I should. But I'm going manic and I feel like everything is now or never. I want her now. I want to fall in love with her. At the same time, I want to get out before I get really hurt.
 
I know it may not help to have one more person give you advice you don't feel like you can follow right now, but here I go.

For someone exploring a new side of their sexuality for the very first time, not feeling pressured is going to be essential. Give her as much space and time as you possibly can. Let her come to you as if she were a frightened cat. Coax her, call her, but don't chase her.

I think taking time away from the world as you described above is an excellent idea.
 
Alone

All my friends are worried about me, but none of them are willing to come spend time with me. I need someone to be around to keep me from doing something stupid. I almost cut myself last night. I don't want to die, I just want to externalize my pain, or numb it away with alcohol.

Everyone, including my mother, wants me to check into a hospital, but John will be home soon, and I have to get the puppy, and I have my daughter's birthday party on Saturday, and I know they would keep me longer than a few days, as fucked up as I am right now.

It's not just Trinity. It's a lot of other things. Fox is spending less time with me now that NRE is over. He is hanging with his friends more, without me. Plus he has to make time for Trinity, which I understand.

My best friend hasn't seen me in a month. She keeps making excuses for why she can't come over, or doesn't want to.

My baby daddy (who she is not with) is having a party for the band tonight.

"Oh, this thing you are going to do is not my style. Oh, I'm already drunk" -- Trinity's excuses from last night, in order. The first was when she thought we were just leaving for the event, the other after. She didn't even offer an alternative, like how about Fox pick me up and bring me over. I consider her my sister, and since my real sister isn't talking to me at the moment, I have one female in my life that I can rely on, and she is at work right now. And it's not Trinity who it should be, imo, since she is my gf and all.

And I have my daughter's party to worry about. I want it to be be great. And John is going to be home, and I wish I knew how that was going to go down. I'm anxious about everything, and worrying about everything, and it's just driving me crazy, quite literally.

I'm off the grid and feeling more alone than ever.

Fox had to go to a family-only thing today, so he couldn't take me with him. Though he said he didn't really want to leave me alone, he didn't have a choice. They specifically said no girlfriends, no boyfriends, etc.

All my friends are too busy for me right now. I want someone, anyone, to be here with me. I can't get in touch with John because his phone isn't on. I can't believe no one is free.

IS the world just against me? I know that none of this directly involves my polyamory, but it does involve me, and right now, I need Me to be okay more than anything, and I don't know how. I'm lost and I can't make decisions on anything. I didn't even really get dressed this morning. I'm wearing jeans and a hoodie.

Everyone says this seems to be coming from nowhere. I hate when I cant pinpoint a reason. I know it started before my last counselor session. I mentioned feeling alone to her then. I have another tomorrow. I've asked Fox to come up with me and help me talk to the counselor.

I know I need help, but I don't want to go to the hospital. Life is too busy for that right now.
 
Riftara, go to the hospital, hon. Please. John and your other loved ones will be there for you. You are a danger to yourself right now. Do your loved ones know how bad it is?
 
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