Love, Family, Friendship

Talking it out

So all my closest friends came over last night to talk to me and they made me feel a lot better.

I'm not sure if Trinity and I are still a couple, but she wants us to get to know each other better. I don't even know how to do that. Fox is always around when she is. We get no alone time. We did cuddle on the couch a bit today. I initiated it. I'm afraid to initiate anything, even kisses. I've asked her for her boundaries, but she hasn't responded.

I want to be more intimate with Trinity. It drives me nuts that she wont even talk to me about what she wants and where she is comfortable, because all I want is for her to be comfortable in our relationship. I want to help her discover her boundaries without pushing and I'm not sure how to do that. She says she doesn't know what they are.

I'm thinking about getting her something with a claddagh symbol on it. It means love, loyalty and friendship. I know where I can get a ring cheap but I'm not sure I want it to be a ring. That may be a little much for a new relationship.
 
A scary confession

Since I am going to reveal this to my lovers tomorrow for us to make a joint decision, I will post out my thoughts here first. Fox prefers me to have all my "ducks in a row" before I come to him with something.

I don't know what to do. I found out my birth control, Nuvaring, doesn't kick in immediately like I thought. It takes 7 days if you don't put it in right after your period.

I put it in Monday, so it will apparently kick in next Monday, the 26th. I figured out I ovulated today or yesterday. I've had unprotected (unknown to me until today) sex with Fox, both last night and the night before, and I know he will want to tonight. I can brush him off and not have sex tonight, or get him to not come in me. But if I ovulated yesterday, the likelihood that I am pregnant is high.

Both times I got pregnant, I had sex the day of ovulation. I usually avoid when I'm not protected, but I thought I was. Now I have the possibility of being pregnant, with about a 70% chance, considering that I had unprotected sex on the day of, no matter when it happened. As far as I know, every time I had sex within 12 hours, I've gotten pregnant. I know I've had a few "missed miscarriages," since my cycle is so perfect, when it is off, I likely was pregnant for a few days. So says my doc, anyway.

I'm not going to let it happen again, and just up the chances. But if it has happened, I would want all of us, including Trinity, to have a say in what happens.

I could go with herbs, or the morning-after pill (you actually have like 72 hours). I know Fox believes that things like that are wrong, but I also know he doesnt want kids at all right now, though he does in the future.

I already took herbs as a precaution once, and it really upset Fox. I didn't tell him what was going on and we ended up in a big fight about it. I feel so bad. I kinda want to go get the morning-after pill anyway, and just not tell any of them.

I know that the egg hasn't implanted yet, and won't for like a week, so to me, that isn't abortion. But to Fox it is. Even not knowing if it happened, and taking precautions to prevent implantation, like I did with the herbs (I'm an herbalist) makes Fox upset. But if I do get that positive, it will upset everyone, especially John, because he wants to have another kid, but I won't because he wont be around. That is why I put in my Nuvaring.

I know I need to know what I want, and have a clear argument for it. I know, no matter what, this is going to cause problems, even if I'm not pregnant. Should I just shut up about it until I find out if I am or not? Even if I'm not, it will cause a big upset. If I am, John will still be here when I find out. I can test on the 1st, my period will be due on the 4th, and John doesn't leave until the 14th.

This is going to go to the main boards. I need some insight.
 
One down...

I told John about the possibility that I am pregnant with Fox's kid. He was upset, but he said it has always been a possibility. He isn't gong anywhere, and is behind me no matter what I do. He is also against me preventing anything from happening.

We decided that if I'm not, I will get an IUD ASAP. That should prevent me from having this happen again until the situation is right for Fox or John.

I've found myself hoping I am on some levels. I guess that is the natural way for it to work... survival of the baby and the race and such.

I'm still waiting to talk to Fox about it. I'm afraid of that discussion. But I kinda want to be pregnant, not because it's his kid, just because I've found myself wanting another baby.

After the scary discussion with John was over, I felt like it would all be okay if I was. It made me want it, knowing there isn't going to be a big huge problem in my relationship with John.

Right now, the thought of putting in an IUD saddens me. I know I'm messed up emotionally because of the change in my meds. But I also know that right now, if John were going to be home for a little while, we would try to have a kid. Maybe I'm just messed up because the doc changed my meds.
 
Hey there. It's great that it worked out for now and that you don't have to face this alone. But ...

riftara said:
We decided that if I'm not, I'll get an IUD ASAP.

I've found myself wanting another baby.

Right now, the thought of putting in an IUD saddens me.
Click to expand...

This worries me. You say "we," but I can't see this mutual agreement later on. If this saddens you, if you don't want this to happen to your body and to your possibilities, and if you want a child, you should have said so to him. Some commented on the "Super big problem" thread that they see some things that raised some red flags, in their opinions. I think it was about this "getting attention" you mentioned twice or thrice. Are you able to speak your mind when you have conversations with them? Or do you tend to keep those important thoughts to yourself? If so, why?

You haven't messed up anything. Something like this can happen. Both of them should start by searching their own faults before they begin to count yours.
 
It's not just up to me

If I could have a kid right now, if I had someone who was going to be around and wanted to have a kid with me, I would do it. But Fox doesn't want one and John wont be around.

I am hoping I am pregnant. I think that if I'm not it's going to upset me. That's something I'm not sure I can handle. And I wont be able to go to Fox about it, and John will be gone.

How fucked up am I?

The good thing is that John and I were having trouble reconnecting and we figured out what I problem was, quite simple actually. We were trying to fit ourselves into an old mold of what our relationship was "supposed" to be, instead of letting it be what it wants to be. We have to realize that we change and our relationship must change too.

I'm down at John's parents house for the week. I'm really missing home, Fox and Trinity, and my friends. I'm really upset about a lot of stuff. I keep trying to remind myself that if I am pregnant, and I want to keep the baby, I need to be calm. I've been upset a lot lately, and I wonder if it is just my medicine or if I'm actually loosing control. I guess it doesn't matter why I'm losing control, just that I am.

I want to curl up and sleep until the 4th. It would be best for me to not have to deal with anything until I can find out if I'm pregnant or not. And I feel bad hoping that I am.

I want to have the "Can we please have kids?" talk with Fox, but I know it's way too early for us to think that long-term together. We are going to talk about getting handfasted in about two months, then I guess I can see about putting a timeframe on children. I really want to be done with kids by the time I'm 30. But I do want more. I know I've got a few years, but still.

In my magical world of everything I want, I'd either be pregnant now (best option) or Fox would be okay with us having a kid if it happened to happen. Not that I want to track and OPK and try to have a kid, but to be open to it happening. But I know we are a ways from that. I know I'm not thinking right right now.

I'm so messed up. I want to scream and I want to cry and I want to... I don't know. Something. Anything. Nothing.

I'm so stressed. I can't be stressed if I want to be pregnant and stay pregnant. Maybe I shouldn't want to be pregnant, but now that it's a real possibility, I'm hoping it is, that it happened. Maybe that makes me a bad person.
 
You're certainly not a bad person for wanting a child with a loved partner! I know the timing is poor for all involved, but wanting to be pregnant, even in a complicated situation is not wrong.

Have you told your doc about a possible pregnancy? Some bipolar meds are not safe for pregnant women or their babies.

*hugs*
 
I see a woman's health psychologist. All the meds I'm on are safe for pregnancy. I even take a ton of folic acid to counteract any negatives of the meds. You are supposed to take 4mg as a pregnant woman. I take 3mg every day.
 
Fox told me I am not the same person I was four months ago. I'm not sure exactly how I've changed. I don't know if I can "fix" it, and become, at least, one who makes my lovers happy, if not who I was.

I know that I have been swinging like crazy lately, and it's taking a toll on Fox. I want to be the one who makes him happy like I did when we got together, but I don't even know what about me made him happy. He's close to his breaking point, so I have to tread very lightly. I think I have done well these past few days, but I know he won't respond to a change that fast. I have to show him that I am serious about making him happy, and being happy, and not being as stressed as I have been, and using my tools to conquer my emotional problems.

I have felt good emotionally, maybe because I have blocked everything out, but other than mourning the loss of the baby, I haven't been too upset.

Well, that's not true. Trinity says she wants to break up. I'm not even sure where we stand, but it's not something I want to bring up right now. I don't even know what I'm going to do next.

But I do know that my date with Fox tomorrow night will be full of flirting and fun. I have to make it fun and prove to him I'm trying.

I figure that it will take a few weeks or so to rebuild with Fox. I want to limit the time Trinity is here. The primary relationship has to come first, and be stable, in order for poly to work.

I have to insure both my and John's relationship, and my and Fox's relationships are stable. Right now, they aren't.

I have a lot to think about and try to decide what to do about. Right now that doesn't scare me. I'm actually feeling pretty good about most things. I just need to set a temporary boundary on how much Trinity is here until Fox and I are back on track. If he values our relationship, he will do it. If he doesn't, then I will start to look elsewhere.
 
Well, damn

Trinity broke up with me. She is still seeing Fox, and since I only said okay to breaking my rule of another relationship because I wanted her, it is really bothering me.

Fox and I are still on shaky ground, but at least we had sex. John and I are still not there. That makes me sad.

Trinity is still around because she and Fox are still seeing each other. I need to set some boundaries and discover what I'm comfortable with at this moment. I know I'm not comfortable with her being around all the time, especially since they have "gotten closer," and I feel put out because of Fox's desire to leave me.

I reiterated my primary status today. I'm not sure that was a good move. But then again, our triad is gone, so I feel like, until he says otherwise, I am his primary.
 
Panic is bad

Trinity came over last night. I went to bed before she left, so I have no idea how long she was here.

I had a panic attack when she got here. I've got to get control over my feelings about Fox and Trinity. I can't have a panic attack every time she is here. I don't know if its because she's my ex, or she's seeing Fox. I know I didn't have them before she broke up with me, so maybe it's just the ex thing. I'm not one for hanging out with my exes immediately after we break up.

Either way, I know I'm not comfortable with her being at the house. I also know I can't tell Fox she can't be at the house. This leaves me in a complicated place. I have to limit the time she is at the house in order to limit the amount of pain I have in her being here. I know I will get over it eventually, but for now, I need space and time.

I found out her being here, and her being in public places with Fox bothers my friend, who is like a little sister to me, because Trinity is all over Fox.

I've been trying really hard this week to be more relaxed and confident, and well, more me. I'm not sure how I'm doing, but I do know I'm trying, and I'm willing to do more. Fox admitted that he can see I'm trying and that he doesn't feel everything is "back to normal." I just want him to be as happy and comfortable as I am in our relationship.

I am afraid that since he is a serial monogamist that his heart has already left me and moved to Trinity. He says he still loves me. And we are still having sex, so I guess that isn't a problem yet.

I have a feeling Trinity and Fox wont last much longer than their NRE. I just don't think they are really compatible. They are too much alike. I have to keep that in my mind and just do the best I can as a loving girlfriend.
 
Guess it's kinda getting better

I had a small panic attack this morning when I woke up and Fox was already gone to spend the day with Trinity.

But tonight we are all playing a card game together, and it's not too bad. But the idea of her spending the night upsets me a little. I'm having trouble getting use to this.

Trinity was incredibly nice to me when she came in. But Fox has been basically ignoring me while she has been here. I know how John feels when I'm around Fox, and don't give him kisses or touch him.

I am not sure what to do. Not being able to see them bothers me the most, I think. They disappear into his room and I get all panicky. I'm having a lot of trouble with this. I'm going nuts. I'm not sure what to do. They want to roll D&D characters. I did not sign up for this. I'd rather DM. Yep, they go to bed, panic attack starts. I can't keep doing this.
 
Why can't they go over her place to spend the night, where you won't have to see it? I know that I probably wouldn't be able to stand having an ex around so much right after a break-up, especially if I were already jealous of their time with my partner.
 
riftara said:
I have a feeling Trinity and Fox wont last much longer than their NRE. I just don't think they are really compatible, they are too much alike. I have to keep that in my mind and just do the best I can as a loving girlfriend.
Click to expand...

I don't think I'd count on this, myself. If they do last longer than NRE, you'll be devastated again because you didn't think it would last longer. You have no control over how long their relationship lasts. I think you need to work on accepting the relationship, not just struggling through the NRE period, thinking they'll break up after it ends.
 
This is Riftara's husband. I have been telling her this since I came home on leave. I wish I could do more to help her deal with what she is going through. She is adding stress to our relationship. It feels like I tell her on a daily basis to just worry about the things that she can control.
 
Yes, I know, dear. And now that you are gone again, my life somehow gets more complicated.

AnnabelMore, Trinity lives with her mom. Her mom knows I'm Fox's gf, but not that she is, too. Not that her mom would be okay with him spending the night, even if she did know they were together.

I'm getting better about everything, though it's still hard for me sometimes. I love her. To see Fox get time with her when I want it is the worst feeling. Somehow I'm okay with Ronan having another girl now, but Trinity being with Fox, or rather Fox being with Trinity (no one seems to get the distinction) hurts.

Trinity and Fox got into a fight last night, so he spent a long time on the phone with her when I'd asked for this weekend to be just Fox and me. Somehow Trinity was in the picture, with us, or on the phone, both Friday and Saturday nights.

I asked Trinity to hang out with me tonight. She said she had plans. If those plans are coming over here to be with Fox, I think I will be hurt. She could come a little early and spend a little time with me. I'm hoping she has plans with another friend.

Fx told me Trinity is feeling vulnerable. Well, I've felt that way for weeks, and I know he doesn't even know that, because I feel like I can't say anything because he might leave me. He says I push too much and that is the consensus. I don't even realize it unless I step back, so I'm only asking how he feels about us once a week. And currently, it's "I'm just seeing how things go." Until he can say, "I want to be with you," I will feel restricted and vulnerable and even a little alone. But I don't know how to talk about it without pushing him away, I feel like I'm in "fake it til you make it" mode. He makes me happy, so I really don't want to lose him, but when left to my own devices, I think that he doesn't want to be with me.

I need a boy-toy, a distraction. Someone who knows that they are just a distraction. I thought about going back to Ronan, but everyone thinks that is a bad idea, and I know it is. I started talking to this one guy, who would be perfect because he wouldn't want a relationship, just sex. But I think he is pursuing a real relationship. Grr.

And I'm missing John like crazy, which doesnt help at all. I know I'll get use to him being gone again in time, like I always do, but right now, his absence is felt quite keenly.
 
Bad panic attack last night. Very bad. Triggered because I felt like they went behind my back to see each other.

See, I asked Trinity to hang out with me, and she said she had plans. So I went out with a friend. Then Fox sent me a text telling me he was bringing Trinity home.

All I can do now is trust them, but I do want a timeline of events last night, which I will likely not get. Don't want to push for anything.

I'm trying to remember my therapy. Just because I think something doesn't make it true. I can't control other's actions, only my response to them.

It's so hard to be calm, like I don't care about things that hurt me. Like, seeing her, even her hugging me, simple gestures she thinks are being nice and good-- they just hurt. I know I'm being unreasonable. I mean, there is nothing she can do that would make me happy, other than being with me again, and that is not going to happen.

Maybe I just need to try, ask her, in a way that makes it easy for her, basically ask permission to flirt back, to kiss her when I feel the urge.
Or just start flirting with her. Not that I really remember how to do that. Flirting with a girl is a little different, in some aspects.

...

Well, what do you know? A short talk and we are kissing friends... not lovers, no sex, none of that stuff, just flirting and kissing, breaking down walls that we've both put up. Slowly, a little at a time. I can do this. I'm not sure how, but I can. I broke down one wall. It's her turn now.
I'm anxious about the whole thing, but I didn't realize how I was pushing her away by closing myself off to her flirting and such. So this new arrangement is a start... Maybe it will finally lead to what I really want.
 
Fox told me he does want to be with me, and our sex last night was perfect.

So even though I feel like shit physically, I feel wonderful emotionally.

I've been so worried that he was going to leave me at the drop of a hat, and now I feel much more secure. I feel our relationship is much better and I love it.

It's amazing that one good night can start the path to fixing everything-- not that we will be the same as we were, but we will be strong and that is all that matters.
 
My two loves... well, two of my loves

Fox is not much of a talker. He is do-er. I'm a talker, over and over on the same subject, until I've said it 10 ways. He prefers one, clear, measured conversation, and then to act on that conversation.

He considers time in the same room together time, while I only count interaction time as together time. I remedy this by touching him. Lying on his shoulder while he plays a video game makes me feel like we are together.

Fox is stubborn, not likely to change how he feels or reacts to anything, even when presented a good argument, unless multiple people present the same argument, in his eyes.

Fox is a "take life as it comes" type of person, while I like to plan.

As different as Fox and I are, he is good for me. He forces me out of my comfort zone, but he does so gently. He recognizes that we are different. He respects my boundaries, but encourages me to push them.

And I love him for all of that. I love him for being who he is and not changing for me. He's the first guy who loved me and showed his love the way he does.

John, on the other hand, is very much like me. He is willing to talk as much as I want to and never asks me to cut it short, or gets frustrated when I say the same basic thing over and over

John likes to be close physically and really only counts time spent close as time together.

John is willing to change his point of view, if the argument is a good one.

John accepts me for who I am. He loves me unconditionally. He doesn't expect or even want me to change anything about who I am.

And I love him for that. I love that he loves me with everything he has, that he shows me every day how special I am to him, even from 1500 miles away.
 
I do what I can to make you feel loved, baby. I still feel like I should be able to do more, but I am glad that what I do seems to be enough for you. I love you. Thanks for explaining the differences between me and him.
 
You do an amazing job, love.

Trinity and I had plans tonight. I hurt so bad that I don't want to go out, so she offered to bring over a movie and watch it with me.

I wish I could just hold her while we watched a movie. It would make me so happy to be able to touch her for that long. I feel so much love for her and to have to hold back hurts so bad sometimes.

At the same time, I don't want her to spend the night, because that means she is spending time with Fox, and having sex with him, and I want to be the one in Fox's position.

I'm hopelessly in love with Trinity, and I hate myself for it sometimes, especially since the feelings aren't exactly returned. If I felt that doing love spells was ethical, I would so totally do one on her. :)

I'm avoiding the word love. I don't want to scare her away again. I express that I care for her and that I still want us to be more, but not so often that it makes her uncomfortable. It's a fine tightrope to walk and I hope I don't fall. I have to be optimistic though, or I have to face that I'm setting myself up for heartbreak. The question is "Is it worth it?" and the answer is "Yes," at least right now.

It's nice though to be stable, for three weeks now, and to be at least mostly comfortable with everything. I still have panic attacks, but other than that, I'm okay. No crying at night or being mad or feeling like I have to talk out everything. I'm stable and I haven't been in a while, so I feel really good about it. Not too good, though. That's the thing that sux about bipolar, you can't be too happy for too long or you will go manic. Or at least I will.

I think everything would be easier if John was still here. I'd have someone to spend my time with and distract me from the fact that Fox is getting what I want. And I would be able to be held when I was hurting, because Trinity can't give me what I want yet. I can't ask Fox for that, because he will just tell me to give her time and be patient. I'm not asking her for more. I'm just hurting that I can't. God, I need to figure out something. How do I deal with this and still try to make things work with her? I feel that it is worth my time, but I'm not sure how long it will be worth my heart.

I miss John! I miss my best friends, and I miss having parties at the house every weekend. John has only been gone a week, not even a week, but it feels like months. That reference makes me feel like I have been waiting on Trinity for months too, when I know I haven't. And that I haven't seen certain people for months.

I should be happy with what I have. My life is good. I have two men that love me. Well, really three, since Ronan does too. I have a chance with the girl I love. I have two beautiful children and a job that will soon make me plenty of money. I just need to throw myself into something. I need a distraction, something that will take my mind and my energy.

Right now I can't even focus on my kids, because my mom has them. If I didn't have to work, I wouldn't, but she has no gas money to bring them home every day. And I have no money to give her for gas. I've got to keep my job. I need the money and I need the outlet. Working from home would mean I'd get to keep the kids here, if they weren't so young. I can't leave my son unattended for 4 hours at a time. My daughter, maybe, but not my son.
 
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