lunchtime discussion with my husband

I

islandgal

New member
This morning I joined polyamory.com and posted an introduction. In my introduction I set out a brief history plus the summary of a conversation or two in the past with my husband. I resolved that I would raise the matter with my husband.

I did just that. We met for lunch, I had told him we needed to discuss something - he said good or bad. I replied, well my intent is that it is a "good". He laughed.

I told him I had found a guy that I wanted to have as a boyfriend. Hubby replied that he had thought things over and over.

His reply was "If you feel that he will make a good friend and lover for you and that your love for me will remain the same or grow, then you have not only my consent but also my blessing."

I was floored - happily floored.

He said there was no need for him to meet my new friend ahead of time, but that we would probably meet at some point, awkward that it would be. He said that I would have to keep time for him and the kids - for us as a family.

He said he felt no urge to find a friend himself, but if that changed he would talk to me about it first. He said it was quite unlikely as his libido has lowered in the last few years.

He said that we should continue to cuddle, kiss, sleep together etc. but he preferred that we not have sex. As he put it:

"Jenn, you have asked me for an open marriage and I am quite willing to say yes. In return, I ask you for a sexless marriage, but a marriage filled with love and affection."

I asked him why he wanted us to be sexless. He replied that as his libido has lowered, he has found it increasingly difficult to get and stay erect. More difficult to climax as well. He had tried Viagra a couple times, but the side effects were scary. Same goes for Cialis.

We agreed to some initial rules.

He told me that he was very excited and happy for me. He also told me that if anything were to go wrong, such as the guy being a jerk or whatever, that I was to know that I could confide in him and seek and receive his support.

He gave me the green light effective immediately.
 
That's great news, Jenn. :)
 
That's great! I suggest you check out the book, More Than Two. It can help a lot to avoid some pitfalls of polyamory. It was really useful to me - my husband DarkKnight and I read it through separately, chapter by chapter, coming together to go over the questions at the end of each section. It was a really helpful series of exercises!
 
My girlfriend's husband has essentially done the same with their marriage for very similar reasons. His health and medications make it difficult for him to have sex (on top of a low libido all his life). They have a wonderful relationship with lots of affection and cuddling. She does miss that intimacy with him but he truly allows her to meet that intimacy with others as long as they can maintain friendship and affection.

I wish you well on your new path. Like marriage, poly is hard at times but that doesn't mean it isn't worth it. I wouldn't trade the journey for an easy path. Most of my best personal growth was due to a temporary bump in the road.
 
Hey Jenn,

So awesome to hear that you have the green light. Your husband's an awesome man, for being so supportive. I am eager to hear how things go in the near (and far) future.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Are you sad for the sexless marriage? I think it would be understandable. But it's surely good to take any pressure off of him, if that is what he wishes just now.
 
Update :)

First of all thanks for all the good wishes and support! I really appreciate it.

Yes, I am sad that my marriage is now sexless, but I'm happy it is filled with affection and love.

Now, an update.

I've now had two dates with my boyfriend. The first date was a getting to know you some more and make out date. The second date, well we did the above and so much more - we went all the way.

Very exciting. I know a good part of it is NRE. Also, he is very different from my husband. Intense, physical and fast. Honestly, I see my boyfriend as probably a short or medium term relationship. Enjoy the NRE, enjoy the fun, the lust, the puppy love but he is a boy in attitude, not a man. Hubby is a man. Hubby is a rock. I definitely married the right guy.

Polyamory is a multi-flavored thing. Some folks are looking for a husband and one or more boyfriends, others for two or more husbands. Others are looking for a same sex dimension. It all can be good.

I'm seriously considering when things end up flaming out with my boyfriend [weeks? months?] that I might dust off some old fantasies and explore my bi-curiosity. I talked to hubby last night about that and he said go for it.

I'm not sure how much detail I should go into. Having looked at the posts of others, things seem quite G rated here and I respect that. As well, there is always the option of private messages for those who need more detail, and I welcome that :)

I'll keep you posted.

Jenn
 
Sounds like things are going really well! :D
 
Bluebird said:
That's great! I suggest you check out the book, More Than Two. It can help a lot to avoid some pitfalls of polyamory. It was really useful to me - my husband DarkKnight and I read it through separately, chapter by chapter, coming together to go over the questions at the end of each section. It was a really helpful series of exercises!
Click to expand...

Much of the more than 2 book can be found on the website: www.morethantwo.com
 
islandgal said:
I'm not sure how much detail I should go into. Having looked at the posts of others, things seem quite G rated here and I respect that.
Click to expand...

The whole concept of this forum is a solid PG-13, so don't dim your light on account of what you at first blush perceive to be our level of sex talk. I assure you that things veer into R, X and much more around here and all of us roll with it. No need for self-censorship beyond what is comfortable for you to say.
 
islandgal said:
I'm seriously considering when things end up flaming out with my boyfriend [weeks? months?] that I might dust off some old fantasies and explore my bi-curiosity. I talked to hubby last night about that and he said go for it.
Click to expand...
Just to make sure you consider all possibilities - a romance you intend to last weeks of months can easily develop into a years-long serious relationship. I happened to me, and I am still... somewhat surprised. I'm just saying it, so that you can make sure you are also prepared for the multiple-relationships part, not just the sex part. But your husband seems to be taking polyamory really well so far.

No idea how that letter-rating works, but there is quite an interesting debate about female parts and enjoyment going on right now in GirlFromTexlahoma's blog, and sometimes people share details of their kink etc. Some of us (like me) don't feel private and anonymous enough to let some things written on the internet -- just consider they could be found by anyone years and decades later. But there's absolutelly no constriction on the amount of detail you can give, if it feels beneficial to you to give them.
 
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Bluebird said:
That's great! I suggest you check out the book, More Than Two. It can help a lot to avoid some pitfalls of polyamory. It was really useful to me - my husband DarkKnight and I read it through separately, chapter by chapter, coming together to go over the questions at the end of each section. It was a really helpful series of exercises!
Click to expand...

+10000 this! I'm also reading the book.

Congratulations on your success! I'm glad you are both happy.
 
FallenAngelina said:
The whole concept of this forum is a solid PG-13 . . .
Click to expand...
Huh??? Members must be 18 to join and participate here. I have always understood this site to be R-rated.

From our old guidelines (archived):
"Finally, this is an adult site. All members must be at least 18 years of age. This is not to indicate that adolescents shouldn’t be interested in or practicing polyamory, just that the adult nature of some discussions may fall afoul of legal restrictions in some jurisdictions if minors are involved."

"On Adult Language

This is an adults-only site, so we have no objections to the use of adult language. Users may speak directly and frankly about sexual matters (eg., you can talk about "fucking" instead of using euphemisms) without problem. Posts may include a bit of salty language here, the same as in most casual environments encountered in daily life. We will rein in users if we find their use to be excessive, with official censure if the excessive use continues. Keep the use of profanities to a minimal or moderate level and all will be well."

"On Posting Images

Users may post images to the site, on profiles and in discussion threads. We expect the images to be posted legally, which means having the rights or express permission to post. We expect the images to have content that is R-rated or milder, meaning that explicit images of genitalia or overt sexual activity is prohibited. We prohibit the posting of images that suggest or support child porn or snuff porn or other content we deem highly objectionable. We also prohibit the posting of images that promote hate groups of any sort."
 
OK, well, I guess whether PG-13 or R depends on what you consider the concept of polyamory to be. To me, the concept is G, but for many people it's beyond all imagining. I wasn't strictly referring to the site guidelines and wasn't referring to who is and is not allowed to post here. It was a general figure of speech about the idea of polyamory. That things "veer into R, X and much more around here and all of us roll with it" implies "adult" to me, but oh well, I was just trying to reassure islandgal that she can speak freely.
 
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