Lying and Jealousy

[User7068073421]

I recently read messages between my partner and her new partner where I find that she's been keeping things from me and when I confront I get run around answers or out right denials.

Am I crazy for feeling jealous, insecure, threatened or scared by this since part of the conversation they had was if we didn't have a kid that I would pretty much be out of the picture.

 

[Marcus]

I recently read messages between my partner and her new partner where I find that she's been keeping things from me and when I confront I get run around answers or out right denials.

Am I crazy for feeling jealous, insecure, threatened or scared by this since part of the conversation they had was if we didn't have a kid that I would pretty much be out of the picture.

Sounds like you have a partner you don't trust. Did she share this correspondence with you or were you snooping? It doesn't change much, considering that what you read not-so-subtly said that she was going to break up with you. It just might demonstrate that you had trust issues about her before you had any reason for it... which could suggest that you need to get therapy in addition to breaking up with this person.

What's your plan?

 

[User7068073421]

Don't know. Already going to therapy for the trust issues, since I was seeing signs before reading the messages.

When the other relationship started intimacy was flushed right down the toilet and issues we were having prior were being worked on slowly but then suddenly I was being lambasted with accusations of not working on them at all. I tried to be compassionate, understanding, and accepting of the new relationship and made every effort to make known that I wanted to make it work, but I just kept getting the cold shoulder while the other relationship kept going on it's merry way.

I made the attempt to address the underlying issues/or my feelings about it but I felt like every time I did I would hit a nerve and my partner would shut down and walk away and the issue was never brought up again.

I wasn't necessarily snooping. A computer was left logged on and while watching a show a conversation thread popped up and given the nature of the thread felt compelled to not log off.

 

[Marcus]

Already going to therapy for the trust issues, since I was seeing signs before reading the messages.

To be clear, you saw signs indicating what exactly?

When the other relationship started intimacy was flushed right down the toilet and issues we were having prior were being worked on slowly but then suddenly I was being lambasted with accusations of not working on them at all.

Sounds like there is something here. You guys were having issues which presumably both of you were working through, she gets a new relationship and out of the blue she wrongfully accuses you of no longer working on it?

Was it out of the blue?

With the information I have it sounds like you and your partner are not seeing eye to eye. I am guessing that you are monogamy oriented, she recently discovered that she was poly oriented, you begrudgingly agreed to let her explore it, you are not having any luck in adjusting, and she is getting resentful.

That is my fortune telling attempt for the evening.

I tried to be compassionate, understanding, and accepting of the new relationship and made every effort to make known that I wanted to make it work, but I just kept getting the cold shoulder while the other relationship kept going on it's merry way.

Well, you guys were already having issues, right? So blaming this new relationship doesn't sound like it is entirely accurate.

That aside, every relationship is a little different and you might just be having envy issues because what they are doing seems to be working and what you guys have been doing hasn't been working for a while.

 

[Dagferi]

I recently read messages between my partner and her new partner where I find that she's been keeping things from me and when I confront I get run around answers or out right denials.

I have conversations with people all the time that are not the business of anyone else. Partners are allowed to have privacy.

Am I crazy for feeling jealous, insecure, threatened or scared by this since part of the conversation they had was if we didn't have a kid that I would pretty much be out of the picture.

I have said things to friends about BOTH my husbands that were said in the heat of the moment out of frustration.

If I didn't have children my life would probably be very different so what. But they are here. Sometimes people just need to vent.

 

[kdt26417]

Hi User7068073421,

If you can provide more details about the kinds of problems you and your partner have been having, what you've been doing to try to work on them, why she thinks you're not working on them, and what you're unhappy about on her end, that would help us give you more advice.

I get the impression she's been kind of cold in the bedroom? and she has a new relationship, which means NRE (New Relationship Energy) and that has a nasty reputation for impairing people's judgment. She may not even realize that she is neglecting you, if indeed that's what she's doing.

Can you give us an update of what the situation is?

Sympathetically,
Kevin T.