Main partner needs space

[muchmoss]

So I'm struggling a bit, my main partner of a year told me that they needed space a few months ago which I gave as much as possible. Now they have told me they need time to find themselves and what they really want and feel like they can't couldn't do that in a romantic relationship. That definitely hurt to hear.

I love and support them, but it did hurt to hear that's what they have been feeling the last few months and not telling me that from the beginning. Communication was always very important to us and feel like it just completely broke down between us when things got rough. Eventhough we had been able to talk other hard things out. They still want to be friends but I still have deep romantic feelings for them. I'm not sure what to do.

 

[kdt26417]

Hello muchmoss,

It sounds like your partner is getting ready to break up with you. I am sorry to hear that. You're right, it would have been better if they had just told you that in the first place, rather than waiting two months while you gave them space which couldn't have been easy. This is a good example of why communication is important in polyamory (and really, in monogamy as well). I don't know if your relationship with them can be saved. At the very least, I think the two of you are going to be separated for a while.

Sympathetically,
Kevin T.

 

[GalaGirl]

I'm sorry about the break up.

They still want to be friends but I still have deep romantic feelings for them. I'm not sure what to do.

You could say "I need time and space to myself to grieve this break up. I would like to go no contact/low contact and be plain exes for a while first. At least a month. Before talking about changing AGAIN to being "exes and friends."

How about we leave it there? No contact for a month and we have a check in phone call at that point in time? Then see if we need a longer break to grieve or can start figuring out what exes and friends looks like."

Cuz really? You sound like you need to "power down" and grieve in peace.

Do LESS stuff and take a time out. Not run around doing MORE stuff. YKWIM?

 

[Mr Maple]

Did something happen in your partners life recently?
Only able to speak from my own experiences, but I have found that when someone says they need to "find them self" it means one of two things.

1: Depression, something happened to them, might be small thing to you and me, but could have been very important to them like didnt get that job promotion etc or that they are feeling their life is going no where.

2: Ego, they are feeling that they deserve XYZ and its not happening, that things are holding them back and its time to change things so they can get or have XYZ and only by getting rid of things or changing who/what they are will they get it.

or some variations of this.

IMHO I would talk to them, try to see why they are feeling that way, if something happened and so on. maybe even tell them its just so you can understand and have peace of mind.