I am a 27 bisexual F, my partner is a 26 straight M.
James and I have been married for four years, and together for six in total. Three years ago we opened our relationship and had a threesome. She was interested in meeting up with us, and this was purely sexual in nature. The following year I started to have feelings towards one of James' friends (Scott). Our relationship became quite close in terms of emotional feelings for one another. At this time I was not open about my emotions towards Scott with James. However, James, interested in having another threesome (although different than the first) was open to having Scott involved sexually.
We have since moved, and Scott is no longer part of our lives.
However, because the timing for my feelings for Scott coincided with my learning about Polyamory, I began some self exploration.
I often wondered why it seemed I was always looking for more partners when I had a completely wonderful one at my side. I struggled with the idea that I was an immoral person because of these desires. I've also always philosophically played with the concept of 'love' in my mind. How it is all encompassing, etc. Polyamory has become the concept that brings all of who I am together, without having to entertain the self-deprecating thoughts.
A few months ago James and I decided to explore our sexuality again, aka seek out partners who we want to invite into our sex lives. (At this time we both downloaded Tinder. We are uneasy about coming out, and like the anonymity that tinder offers because we live in a small(ish) community). However, having explored my emotions, desires, etc., I know that simply seeking sexual partners (while fun) is not all that I want. I want that connection with people, to learn about others, and have them learn about me.
James is uneasy about the 'other relationship' aspect.
I've told him that I would love to see him get to know someone else. That I would like to meet her, get to know her, etc. He, however, is moving very slowly in this direction. He has been chatting with a few girls, but hasn't met anyone in person yet, or told them about our relationship. I encourage him to do so, because I feel it is only fair that they not be left in the dark (other than this point, he has been extremely polite and respectful to the women he has spoken with). The point here is that he doesn't feel the desire to emotionally connect with anyone. On the other hand, he is quite interested in the swinging lifestyle and wants to explore that.
I am on board with exploring our sexuality through swinging if he desires. However, I want more than sexual relationships with people. As mentioned this bothers him.
He is also not open to me having sexual relations with anyone unless he is present. To this note: I feel slightly controlled, as if my sexual experiences are to be reserved for his enjoyment. I've told him that.
We recognize that we may differ too far philosophically to be together, and we've explored that. However, neither of us want to walk away from our relationship because, well, we like it. We like each other. We enjoy our life together. On top of that, we have two children, whom we love to parent together, and we love watching each other be parents.
Here we are at a dilemma. I've struggled with accepting my "weirdness" my whole life. Upon finding the concepts and ideals of poly lifestyles I finally feel like things make sense to me. I'm not willing to give that up. He sees it in me, he sees how 'free' I feel, how less tormented I am.
He has asked me to be patient, to wait until he is ready. He thinks maybe some day he will be able to accept a true poly relationship. (Which in my mind involves a ton of communication, respect, and openness. A lot of trust. Trusting that your partner will fill your love and respect your relationship when you need, even if they have others they show love to as well). He gets frustrated because he feels like I am pushing him towards something he's not ready for. I disagree that what I am doing is pushing because in my mind I'm simply talking about my desires, goals, wants, etc. I like to express my thoughts and work through them out loud. Furthermore, I feel like he should know my thoughts and I should be open with them. However, he continues to feel like this is me manipulating him.
So this is my current question: How do I continue to be open with him about my emotions, my situations (who I'm talking to etc), without seeming like I'm pushing him? Furthermore, does anyone have experience in a poly/mono relationship? I feel like James' preferences for a swinging lifestyle, and to be present in all sexual experiences place him closer to the monogamous end of the spectrum than me. What can we do at this point to find a common ground that feels safe and trusting, meanwhile having different desires?
Thank you for your time and responses.
James and I have been married for four years, and together for six in total. Three years ago we opened our relationship and had a threesome. She was interested in meeting up with us, and this was purely sexual in nature. The following year I started to have feelings towards one of James' friends (Scott). Our relationship became quite close in terms of emotional feelings for one another. At this time I was not open about my emotions towards Scott with James. However, James, interested in having another threesome (although different than the first) was open to having Scott involved sexually.
We have since moved, and Scott is no longer part of our lives.
However, because the timing for my feelings for Scott coincided with my learning about Polyamory, I began some self exploration.
I often wondered why it seemed I was always looking for more partners when I had a completely wonderful one at my side. I struggled with the idea that I was an immoral person because of these desires. I've also always philosophically played with the concept of 'love' in my mind. How it is all encompassing, etc. Polyamory has become the concept that brings all of who I am together, without having to entertain the self-deprecating thoughts.
A few months ago James and I decided to explore our sexuality again, aka seek out partners who we want to invite into our sex lives. (At this time we both downloaded Tinder. We are uneasy about coming out, and like the anonymity that tinder offers because we live in a small(ish) community). However, having explored my emotions, desires, etc., I know that simply seeking sexual partners (while fun) is not all that I want. I want that connection with people, to learn about others, and have them learn about me.
James is uneasy about the 'other relationship' aspect.
I've told him that I would love to see him get to know someone else. That I would like to meet her, get to know her, etc. He, however, is moving very slowly in this direction. He has been chatting with a few girls, but hasn't met anyone in person yet, or told them about our relationship. I encourage him to do so, because I feel it is only fair that they not be left in the dark (other than this point, he has been extremely polite and respectful to the women he has spoken with). The point here is that he doesn't feel the desire to emotionally connect with anyone. On the other hand, he is quite interested in the swinging lifestyle and wants to explore that.
I am on board with exploring our sexuality through swinging if he desires. However, I want more than sexual relationships with people. As mentioned this bothers him.
He is also not open to me having sexual relations with anyone unless he is present. To this note: I feel slightly controlled, as if my sexual experiences are to be reserved for his enjoyment. I've told him that.
We recognize that we may differ too far philosophically to be together, and we've explored that. However, neither of us want to walk away from our relationship because, well, we like it. We like each other. We enjoy our life together. On top of that, we have two children, whom we love to parent together, and we love watching each other be parents.
Here we are at a dilemma. I've struggled with accepting my "weirdness" my whole life. Upon finding the concepts and ideals of poly lifestyles I finally feel like things make sense to me. I'm not willing to give that up. He sees it in me, he sees how 'free' I feel, how less tormented I am.
He has asked me to be patient, to wait until he is ready. He thinks maybe some day he will be able to accept a true poly relationship. (Which in my mind involves a ton of communication, respect, and openness. A lot of trust. Trusting that your partner will fill your love and respect your relationship when you need, even if they have others they show love to as well). He gets frustrated because he feels like I am pushing him towards something he's not ready for. I disagree that what I am doing is pushing because in my mind I'm simply talking about my desires, goals, wants, etc. I like to express my thoughts and work through them out loud. Furthermore, I feel like he should know my thoughts and I should be open with them. However, he continues to feel like this is me manipulating him.
So this is my current question: How do I continue to be open with him about my emotions, my situations (who I'm talking to etc), without seeming like I'm pushing him? Furthermore, does anyone have experience in a poly/mono relationship? I feel like James' preferences for a swinging lifestyle, and to be present in all sexual experiences place him closer to the monogamous end of the spectrum than me. What can we do at this point to find a common ground that feels safe and trusting, meanwhile having different desires?
Thank you for your time and responses.
