Marital Issues, boyfriend

[MsChristy]

Hi all. I have posted but it has been a while . I am in a polyamorous relationship with my bf of 5 years as well as being married to my husband for just as long . Husband and I have a child together . At the time bf and I got involved my marriage was new, but relationship was very stable . After I had my child a lot changed . I started recognizing that my husband was being emotionally manipulative and abusive, and minimizing my needs as I was recovering from having a baby . It took me threatening a separation last year for him to realize that I was at the end of my rope and he started therapy later that year with a wonderful therapist . I was also seeing an therapist (we were both doing individual therapy).

Now my husband has made improvement . Regrets the way he treated me, and genuinely seems to be trying . I also recognize that how he treated me after the baby was the worst of it, there had been abusive behavior going on for years that I tolerated .

Through all of this my bf has been great . We had some hiccups adjusting to me being a parent but are now stronger than ever .

I keep wondering if my husband is doing too much to late I don't trust him . I am not sure I love him . If I was the person I am now 5 years ago I would have left him . I wonder if I will regret in 20 or 30 years staying . It doesn't help that my bf has said that if I leave he will be there for me . At the time bf and I met he was with someone else but he has gone so far to say that if we had met first he might not have other partners . I find myself wondering if I would be happier being just with bf


Has anyone gone through these sorts of thoughts? What helped you figure it out?

 

[kdt26417]

Hi MsChristy,

I don't see a problem with your boyfriend, he is being supportive in general which is a good thing. What you do about your husband is really a separate issue. As for your husband, I can't tell for sure if he is acting good nowadays and if so, are you just having trouble forgiving him for the past, or is he still acting bad. If he is still acting bad, it's probably best to divorce him; if not, it depends on whether you think you can forgive him in the future. Your decision should depend largely on what example will be set for your child.

Don't know if any of that helps, but such are my thoughts based on what I know.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[GalaGirl]

I'm sorry you struggle.

I keep wondering if my husband is doing too much to late I don't trust him . I am not sure I love him . If I was the person I am now 5 years ago I would have left him . I wonder if I will regret in 20 or 30 years staying .

Well, you are the person you are NOW. You don't trust him. What keeps you here? What does he have to do to regain trust? Or are you no longer willing to have him as a spouse? Like you trust him enough as a coparent, but you aren't interested any more as spouses?

The only one who can answer if you are still willing AND able to be here is you.

Is it a case of "more able" now that he's not being emotionally abusive/manipulative... but "more able" still isn't "able with joyous heart?"

Are you "no longer willing" because he's pretty much used up your good will for being spouses and you no longer want to keep investing here?

If so, perhaps you want to think about changing to a "coparenting only" relationship and disband the marriage part of it.

Do some soul searching and determine what is best for you.

Galagirl