Married men-- advice and experiences, please

P

Postalpagan

New member
I am a 51-year old man, married for second time, who is eager to have poly relationship(s). But I find I am hitting a wall.

My wife, who is 40, and was poly and single when we met, seems to find other men every time she turns around. She has male friends that she spends time with, and currently has an emotional relationship, but no sex, with another man who is married (although I don't think it's a good idea that this is happening behind his wife's back).

When I try to find other women, it is an exercise in frustration. Once in a while, I run into women who assume because I always say I am married (honesty here) that I am on the brink of divorce and lining up my next wife (nope), or that I only want a mistress (again, nope). A single female online friend who is poly told me that she assumes this when she sees married men on dating sites, and it jibes with what I have found.

Also, I get women who are looking for a sugar daddy/instant husband and insist that even though we just met, she is sooo much better for me than my wife. (No drama wanted here, so block.) :mad:

It seems to me that it is 100 times easier for women, regardless of marital status, to meet other men than it is for men to meet other women, especially since I believe that 97% of women firmly believe that their purpose in life is to marry THE ONE. I even tried Ourtime, since I thought maybe 50+ year old ladies would have outgrown the drama and the obsession with the fairy tale. But nope, profile after profile seeking "the one."

My question, guys, is: how on earth do you meet women who are genuinely interested in poly, not drama queens, needy, waiting for a doctor or lawyer, wanting a ring at any price, who can respect your wife, so that she will be comfortable allowing a secondary relationship?

I have received a suggestion to try "alternative groups." I am Pagan. Last year at Pagan Pride Day, there was a table from a Poly Meetup group based in Indy, but with children with me, I wasn't really free to talk with them.

Pagans, as a group, tend to be more receptive to poly, but almost all Pagan events are on Saturdays, when I always work, unless I can plan about a year ahead.
I also received an invitation to join MENSA, but again, events are on Saturdays.
I have somewhat of an interest in ComiCon events, but again, Saturdays.

I have a woman friend in nearby Indy with whom I have been talking for about three years. I would like to meet her in person. I am confident she and I would hit it off, but the problem here is that it is a "hard limit" for my wife, as she is mixed race, mainly African-American.

Married guys, any advice?
 
Tell your wife to get over her prejudices, firstly. I've no idea how you could be married to a racist.

After that, join OKCupid. If your wife is cool with it, have her join too, so you can link profiles.

Back to the racism thing-- it's fine for your wife to prefer Caucasian people for herself, for aesthetic purposes, or whatever. Making Black people a hard limit for you to date is nothing but small-minded racist behaviour. Doesn't that bother you??
 
Postalpagan said:
It seems to me that it is 100 times easier for women, regardless of marital status, to meet other men, than it is for men to meet other women.
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It is an entirely different task for women. They are pretty much sifting through the scumbags who are crashing into them like waves of loser until they find one to whom they want to give a chance.

Postalpagan said:
My question guys, is how on earth do you meet women who are genuinely interested in poly, not drama queens, needy, waiting for a doctor or lawyer, wanting a ring at any price, who can respect your wife, so that she will be comfortable allowing a secondary relationship?
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The criteria narrows the dating pool considerably. Monogamous men and women have the same issues, but in the US they have an exponentially larger dating pool.

Postalpagan said:
I am Pagan. Last year at PPD, there was a table from a Poly Meetup group based in Indy. But with children with me, I wasn't really free to talk with them.
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I'm confused as to why you went to a group to meet people, and brought your kids, knowing you would have a hard time meeting people if you brought your kids.

Postalpagan said:
I have a woman friend nearby, with whom I have been talking for about three years. I would like to meet her in person. I am confident she and I would hit it off, but the problem here is that it is a "hard limit" for my wife, as she is mixed race, mainly African-American.
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I have no idea what you are saying here, but I'm curious.

Postalpagan said:
Married guys, any advice?
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Also curious, why is it married men in particular you are seeking advice from?
 
I'm technically not qualified to give you advice, because I'm a woman. But I'm married to a man who is 56 and has a very successful polyamorous dating life. So here goes:

My husband meets women IRL and online. Have you tried OKCupid?
He meets them through shared interests, shared life philosophies, a shared view of relationships. Some women he contacts and meets and dates do not define themselves as polyamorous. What they do define themselves as is open-minded, non-judgmental, open to new experiences, open to exploring things that are outside of their comfort zone.

To get to the point: I would never consider even casually dating a guy whose wife had my race as a hard limit.

Being poly is not just about being able to love more than one. Oh, I'm sure there are lots of people with hard limits like yours. This is your limit, as well, since you don't stand up to your wife about it. I'm just saying that it's a lot harder for those people to find a good poly match (or any relationship match) than for open-minded people, who explore friendships and love and relationships without those kinds of hard limits.
 
Even if I were white, I wouldn't date someone with a racist wife.
 
You seem to have a lot of things working against you to allow things to develop organically with potential partners:

- Your kids seem to not be aware of the fact that you're polyamorous, so you have to be very careful not to out yourself around them.
- Your wife is setting limits on whom you can date, before you even meet another person.
- You don't have a convenient work schedule for meeting people, since many events are held on Saturdays.
- You sound really jaded about women in general, from your experiences so far.

My advice on what to do next:
- Don't compare your dating life with your wife's. If you appear desperate to be in a relationship, it's going to come off to any potentially willing partner that "she'll do," rather than there being a genuine attraction and chemistry.
- Change your on-line profile from "married" to "available." You can always tell women who you are talking to that you are married before you meet them.
- Find a local poly discussion group that doesn't meet on Saturdays and get to know the people there with no expectations of dating.

Oh, and I am white, and wouldn't date someone with a racist wife.
 
I thought we solved racism when Obama was elected. What the hell happened? :confused:
 
Postalpagan said:
It seems to me that it is 100 times easier for women, regardless of marital status, to meet other men than it is for men to meet other women , especially since I believe that 97% of women firmly believe that their purpose in life is to marry THE ONE...

My question, guys, is: how on earth do you meet women who are genuinely interested in poly, not drama queens, needy, waiting for a doctor or lawyer, wanting a ring at any price, and can respect your wife so that she will be comfortable allowing a secondary relationship?
Click to expand...

First, you'd have to be the kind of guy that those women you have in mind would want to meet, and from your list of horrible stereotypes about women's desires, I don't know that you are.

Postalpagan said:
I have a woman friend nearby, with whom I have been talking for about three years. I would like to meet her in person. I am confident she and I would hit it off, but the problem here is that it is a "hard limit" for my wife, as she is mixed race, mainly African-American.

Married guys, any advice?
Click to expand...

Please stop being friends with that woman in Indy. She deserves better in life than to end up involved in some racist woman's drama by association. Black women have to deal with enough racism, sexism and general discrimination in this society without having someone knowingly drag them into it. If you fully disclose that you're married when you meet someone, you should fully disclose that you're married to a racist.
 
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Come on people, these anti-racist comments could come across as an ATTACK on the OP... Or anti-couple bigotry. I mean, if the OP and his wife had an AGREEMENT that he would only date within the Pure White Race, then for THREE YEARS the OP has been CHEATING. The fact that the OP would even CONSIDER a relationship with a Black person (I'm assuming the OP is white, but they could be Korean-- don't Koreans hate Blacks?) proves that he doesn't respect his wife's wants, needs, and limits.
 
I don't have much advice in picking up Da Laydees, either. However, a good start would be to not be so negative towards women in general.

And you must understand that with your wife having a hard limit with race, well, that simply doesn't actually make her a nice person to be around, and that might turn off most future possible partners, regardless of their ethnicity.

You might want to consider a period of deep reflection before you look for partners. And talk to your wife. Such virulent racism in this day and age is scary.
 
To explain a few things

For the record, I am White, except for about 6% Native American and reason to believe an African ancestor waaaaay back, and my wife is also White with about 12% Native. We live in a neighborhood that is about 80% African American and a city that is about 40% AA and both have AA coworkers. Where we differ is on whether either one of us can be emotionally/sexually involved with a Black person.

Thinking back, I have known my friend (let's call her K) for more like five years, during which time we have talked online and texted, but never met in person, so I would not consider it a relationship at this point. However, considering how easy it is for her and I to talk, and the number of things we have in common, considering one of the advantages of poly is that you can share parts of yourself with one partner when another (or your primary partner) has no interest in them, I strongly believe that if given the chance, this could easily become a secondary relationship, although we have not talked about anything other than wanting to meet in person and her not wanting a committed/monogamous relationship at this point. My wife has absolutely no problem with K and I being friends.

Reading what I wrote about women and what they want from men, yes, I was over the top (please accept my laughing-at-myself apologies, ladies), but kept thinking about the type of women I meet at "regular" dating sites. I do have a few female friends I met online, or in person delivering their mail, and value their friendships, and every one of them acts maturely and respects the fact I am married.

Pagan Pride Day is an event where people who identify as Pagan (Wiccan, Witches, Druids, Northern Tradition, Pantheists, etc.) can gather, network, have group rituals and sell/buy wares.

Since Pagans are more poly-friendly than the general population, Indy Poly Meetup (which meets Thursday evenings, so, hope there) has a table there, which my wife spotted first. But we could not go over, as our 16-year old daughter and her then boyfriend were with us. My wife has been open with our daughter (biologically mine from my first marriage, biological mother deceased) about having male friends, telling her there is nothing wrong with this, even spending one on one time with them, but stopping short of using the words poly or dating. But she never sees me with other women, hmm... because that never happens. (I don't like that when our daughter was dating this young man [who lived with us in a rented room most of that time] and my wife saw/overheard him talking on the phone with another woman [or so it appeared], she would say he was "cheating".)

The reason I directed this question at married men was that you must have been though difficult times at some point and had to figure out how to meet women with whom you could have relationships, who would not be a problem with your wife. I appreciate comments posted so far, both positive and negative, because one must be open to both.
 
We understood that your wife is racist. Confirmation not clarification was need. Duly received.
 
OP, my question is: why is a potential metamour's skin colour a hard limit for her? Have you ever asked her? She has the right to date whoever she pleases. If she only wants to stick with a certain race, that is her prerogative. (There is no guarantee that any of the people she is involved with have no African blood flowing through their veins. Would she stop being involved with her lovers if she found that out?) She is limiting you and controlling who you can be involved with because she does not like the colour of the person's skin. With a limit like that in place, it does not sound very good. Your wife is saying it is okay to be friends with black people, but they are not "good enough" to date or be intimately involved with. That kind of thinking is... small-minded and offensive. What makes another race better or more acceptable to date than a Black person? Some serious talks need to be had.
 
Does K know that your wife would forbid you 2 to be more than friends?

In my book, friendship consists of being emotionally involved, so I really don't get how she could approve of friendship, but not of emotional involvement.

Please tell K about this! and let her make a decision about whether or not she wants to be 'friends' with you.
 
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