Married or not hinges please read and comment:)

[Voluptuouschef]

I've seen a good amount of recent posts, or at least people recently commenting on posts, where a longish term marriage or relationship is moving into being polyamorous. Some ended in divorce, others successful, some had both partners interested others had only one. How many people here have successfully taken a long term relationship and opened it up to poly with only one side actually interested in pursuing others?
Comments from both sides would be appreciated, those interested and those uninterested. How many people here are married hinges in a V were the other legs is also married? If you have no contact with their spouse how Can you trust they are open about your relationship? Can you please share your experiences on getting to the point of happy acceptance? I feel like it's crazy for my mono husband to be happy for me to want/have another partner but yet there are a few men here with blogs or posts stating that they were exactly that. How do I help him not feel inadequate? Thank you!

 

[Dagferi]

How many people here have successfully taken a long term relationship and opened it up to poly with only one side actually interested in pursuing others?

I am poly and neither of my husbands are. I have been with Butch 17 years and Murf and I are coming up on our 6 year anniversary soon.

How many people here are married hinges in a V were the other legs is also married?

Neither of my guys have other partners.

Can you please share your experiences on getting to the point of happy acceptance?

I can only speak for my actions. I keep my relatiobships seperate but equal. I do not allow one relationship to bleed into another or one spouse dictate what the other can or cannot do. I do not over share out of respect for both partners.

I keep my word and carry my weight in both relationships.

 

[lunabunny]

I am the hinge in a "V". I wouldn't call it long-term, but I was with one partner for a year before entering into the second relationship (both relationships happened towards the tail end of a very long term marriage, after we'd essentially separated).

My two partners used to be involved as FWB and are still best friends with each other. They are not "in" a relationship with each other however, though each are my co-primaries. Occasionally there has been some mild sexual play between us as a group, but nothing between them on their own since they "broke up" a few years ago (this is probably going to change however).

Jester, my boyfriend, is devoted to me and is content to remain monogamous. He doesn't have a very high sex drive and says he gets all he needs from our relationship, though he is not averse to "playing" with me and/or my girlfriend on occasion if we're both happy to go there. My girlfriend is more sexually driven and while she loves both of us, she is only "in love" with me, also. I am committed to each of them emotionally and in all other ways. They are best friends and treat each other like family. We're long distance but working toward kitchen table poly. A "V" with a little crossover, I guess.

 

[AlwaysGrowing]

Hubby and I have been together for 13ish years. We opened as poly about 7 years ago. He dated occasionally but has ultimately decided it's not for him at this time.

I've been with Boy for about 5 years now. He dates occasionally but is happy as is so doesn't try very hard to meet others.

We spend time together as a family and as individual dyads. I go on trips with each individually and occasionally we all plan a weekend away together. We all identify as poly and are happy to remain open in theory but rarely in practice. Jealousy pops up occasionally but is usually resolved internally or with a simple conversation. There's not a lot of stress around here from the 3 of us.

 

[AutumnLeaves]

. How many people here have successfully taken a long term relationship and opened it up to poly with only one side actually interested in pursuing others?

I was married several years as the only one open to poly, but respecting that my spouse wasn't interested, so we were closed. Until suddenly be was interested, so we've been open about 2.5 years now. We were never poly-mono, however.

How many people here are married hinges in a V were the other legs is also married?

Which leg? I'm married. My spouse is married. His girlfriend is married. My girlfriend is married. A lot of legs of our various things are married. All those I mentioned opened up from closed, but every one of us was already queer before opening.

If you have no contact with their spouse how Can you trust they are open about your relationship?

I prefer kitchen table poly so I know all the spouses. I don't think this applies to me.

Can you please share your experiences on getting to the point of happy acceptance?

Oh man. With who? I have a whole blog about this, hahaha, and I'm only to happy acceptance in maybe half my relationships.

I feel like it's crazy for my mono husband to be happy for me to want/have another partner but yet there are a few men here with blogs or posts stating that they were exactly that. How do I help him not feel inadequate? Thank you!

If he's historically good at open and honest communication, ask him what he needs and wants from you. Listen, give him the benefit of the doubt. Believe him when he says things. Decide if what he needs and wants work for you. Give him those reassurances you can that work. Don't try to control his feelings.

I'd suggest doing some reading, maybe Opening Up or More Than Two, to get some idea of challenges you might face and things to think about before you make any leaps.

 

[kdt26417]

Hi Voluptuouschef,

I am in a closed V, my partner is Snowbunny and she has two partners, namely, Brother-Husband and myself, but each of those two partners has only one partner, namely, Snowbunny. It's possible that someone new could join our V, but unlikely.

We came together as a V about twelve years ago. We had a few rough years in the beginning, however, we gradually worked things out, and got to a place of happy acceptance. I think it's just a matter of learning each other's needs, and not being threatened by those needs.

I don't know if that helps, but that's my story.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[Voluptuouschef]

How many people here have successfully taken a long term relationship and opened it up to poly with only one side actually interested in pursuing others?

I am poly and neither of my husbands are. I have been with Butch 17 years and Murf and I are coming up on our 6 year anniversary soon.

How many people here are married hinges in a V were the other legs is also married?

Neither of my guys have other partners.

Can you please share your experiences on getting to the point of happy acceptance?

I can only speak for my actions. I keep my relatiobships seperate but equal. I do not allow one relationship to bleed into another or one spouse dictate what the other can or cannot do. I do not over share out of respect for both partners.

I keep my word and carry my weight in both relationships.

Hi Dagferi,
How did you open up your marriage to poly? Are your husband's mono or just not seeing anyone else? How do you treat someone new the same as a husband of some time? You said you treat then equally, but.. idk I guess I think of friendships I've had over the years, friends with more time spent together got priority. I can imagine loving another person as much as I do my husband but we have so many years under our belt, inside jokes and just knowledge about each other I can't imagine treating another partner as an equal, maybe I'm supposed to have a primary, my husband, and a secondary?

 

[Voluptuouschef]

I am the hinge in a "V". I wouldn't call it long-term, but I was with one partner for a year before entering into the second relationship (both relationships happened towards the tail end of a very long term marriage, after we'd essentially separated).

My two partners used to be involved as FWB and are still best friends with each other. They are not "in" a relationship with each other however, though each are my co-primaries. Occasionally there has been some mild sexual play between us as a group, but nothing between them on their own since they "broke up" a few years ago (this is probably going to change however).

Jester, my boyfriend, is devoted to me and is content to remain monogamous. He doesn't have a very high sex drive and says he gets all he needs from our relationship, though he is not averse to "playing" with me and/or my girlfriend on occasion if we're both happy to go there. My girlfriend is more sexually driven and while she loves both of us, she is only "in love" with me, also. I am committed to each of them emotionally and in all other ways. They are best friends and treat each other like family. We're long distance but working toward kitchen table poly. A "V" with a little crossover, I guess.

Hi Luna,
I think I read another post where you are moving to their country and trying to figure out who to marry, boho in my opinion, and you guys will all live together? That sounds so exciting!! I'm happy for you! My husband says he is content as well and while his sex drive is normal/high, it's not as... uh varied? as mine and mine tends to be a little higher. His has increased over the years, I think this transition would have been easier emotionally several years ago when his drive was much much lower then mine. Did you divorce because of being poly?

 

[Voluptuouschef]

I was married several years as the only one open to poly, but respecting that my spouse wasn't interested, so we were closed. Until suddenly be was interested, so we've been open about 2.5 years now. We were never poly-mono, however.

Which leg? I'm married. My spouse is married. His girlfriend is married. My girlfriend is married. A lot of legs of our various things are married. All those I mentioned opened up from closed, but every one of us was already queer before opening.

I prefer kitchen table poly so I know all the spouses. I don't think this applies to me.

Oh man. With who? I have a whole blog about this, hahaha, and I'm only to happy acceptance in maybe half my relationships.

If he's historically good at open and honest communication, ask him what he needs and wants from you. Listen, give him the benefit of the doubt. Believe him when he says things. Decide if what he needs and wants work for you. Give him those reassurances you can that work. Don't try to control his feelings.

I'd suggest doing some reading, maybe Opening Up or More Than Two, to get some idea of challenges you might face and things to think about before you make any leaps.

I'm now reading your blog and your husband's lol, thank you!! I started reading more then two a few weeks ago, but haven't had much time to sit down and get into it since. This forum is addicting hehe.
He is not open generally not because he isn't honest or has nothing to say he just has a hard time getting his thoughts out and I tend to talk fast and think fast and communicate openly and easily. I feel like that all goes back to the abuse he suffered at the hands of his father. He can't talk about a myriad of things but with emotional talks or ones about our relationship where he feels like he isn't doing enough, he has a hard time.
So wait all of the legs of your V are married? So it's like a unending W? Assuming all spouses are ploy and in relationships with other married people... that's freaking amazing. But you have contact so no trust concerns. I have that as a concern, I get into a relationship the guy lies and says his wife is cool with it or his GF and then I find out I'm the other woman... no thank you. I think I'd be okay meeting the wife if that were an option, my husband does not want to meet anyone, ever. So far, maybe he will change his mind.

 

[Voluptuouschef]

Hi Voluptuouschef,

I am in a closed V, my partner is Snowbunny and she has two partners, namely, Brother-Husband and myself, but each of those two partners has only one partner, namely, Snowbunny. It's possible that someone new could join our V, but unlikely.

We came together as a V about twelve years ago. We had a few rough years in the beginning, however, we gradually worked things out, and got to a place of happy acceptance. I think it's just a matter of learning each other's needs, and not being threatened by those needs.

I don't know if that helps, but that's my story.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.

Hey Kevin,
Do any of you live together? So basically it takes time..

 

[Nox]

How many people here have successfully taken a long term relationship and opened it up to poly with only one side actually interested in pursuing others?

This is my situation. Kay and I were married for about 15 years when we fully opened. She has no interest in dating.

How many people here are married hinges in a V were the other legs is also married? If you have no contact with their spouse how Can you trust they are open about your relationship?

Coincidentally, while txgirl was married when we met, but she doesn't have any interest in dating at the moment either. I chatted with her ex-husband on several occasions, so I didn't have to worry about it being hidden.

Can you please share your experiences on getting to the point of happy acceptance? I feel like it's crazy for my mono husband to be happy for me to want/have another partner but yet there are a few men here with blogs or posts stating that they were exactly that. How do I help him not feel inadequate? Thank you!

That up to him to be secure and eventually you just have to trust that when he tells you that he's not feeling inadequate, he's being sincere. That's not easy. It took a therapist and a few years for me to believe it.

I do think it's important that I make sure Kay never lacks for attention. Her desire for attention is way lower than mine, so she still turns me down more than she accepts, but that lets me know she isn't feeling neglected.

 

[Dagferi]

How did you open up your marriage to poly?

I was serial monogamous before my husband Butch and I have a very high sex drive. He brought up the possibility of poly when our mismatched libido became an issue.

Are your husband's mono or just not seeing anyone else?

Bith my guys are monogamous by choice. Butch dabbled in dating but decided it wasn't for him.

How do you treat someone new the same as a husband of some time?

Easy I treated him the way I would treat a man I would date if I was monogamous. We went on dates. We got to know each other spent time together.

You said you treat then equally, but.. idk I guess I think of friendships I've had over the years, friends with more time spent together got priority. I can imagine loving another person as much as I do my husband but we have so many years under our belt, inside jokes and just knowledge about each other I can't imagine treating another partner as an equal, maybe I'm supposed to have a primary, my husband, and a secondary?

Look no one wants to be treated as less than or second banana to anyone. It is not fair to ask someone to take a backseat to anyone. You build seperate experiences and inside jokes and etc with someone else. I have experiences with Murf I have never had with Butch. We have traveled, went to concerts, have shared experiences that are different than what I have done with Butch.

I own property with both men. Pets with both guys. I vacation with both. Share good times and bad with both. I have built a life with both.

My question would be are you looking for another partner or a casual fling? Why do you want to try poly. While I love my life this is the hardest thing I have ever done. And poly destroys more relationships than not.

 

[WhatHappened]

Easy I treated him the way I would treat a man I would date if I was monogamous. We went on dates. We got to know each other spent time together.....

Look no one wants to be treated as less than or second banana to anyone. It is not fair to ask someone to take a backseat to anyone.

My question would be are you looking for another partner or a casual fling? Why do you want to try poly. While I love my life this is the hardest thing I have ever done. And poly destroys more relationships than not.

Dagferi has good advice. All too often, one leg of the V does end up getting treated like second banana. Jealousies come into play. Time becomes an issue, etc.

I'm also curious why you've decided to try poly.

And take to heart her words: it destroys more relationships than not. In my XBF's case, they're still married many years into opening their marriage so maybe that counts as success, but they've also gone through a lot of drama:

--especially with other women fed up with how his wife treats them
--repeatedly losing girlfriends he cared about and the stress and grief from that
---STD scares within their circle of friends
--it's cost him his arts group he was in with me (his choice) and
--professional opportunities that resulted from that
--It puts distance between him and his family as he chooses to lie to them about how he lives
--his wife is too busy with all her relationships to help him with maintaining their joint lives (but also doesn't like him getting too close to other women)
--He has health issues that are classic stress-related things
--he drinks heavily and I'm guessing that's partly if not all stress related
--His current girlfriend is spewing her misery and frustration all over the internet
--He's never had a girlfriend stay more than the classic 2.5 years, and very few even stayed for a year. There's a constant cycle of loss and pain associated with all these losses.

Does this level of negatives still put them in the success column because they're still married?

It is of course HOW you choose to live your poly life, and there are a couple of people here who are living peaceful lives but all too often there's a lot of drama. My XBF, btw, prides himself on 'doing poly well.' I strongly disagree, but he believes that and there's something to be learned from that and his failure to see why no women will stay with him. It's actually a common pattern I see in poly.

Dagerferi, I hope you don't mind me asking: was Murf the first man you dated as poly, or how many did you date before him and how long did the other relationships last if there were others?

 

[Dagferi]

I dated others before Murf. They were all poly men.

I honestly got sick and tired of the drama their partners brought into my life. I got treated as less than.

I had women cause my dates to be canceled.
My privacy was invaded.
Was told what I could and could not do in my relationship.
Was told where I could or could not go.
What I could or could not do sexually with my partner.
I could go on and on...

Yeah that went over like a lead balloon. I spoke with my feet. Once is a fluke, twice is a coincidence, third time is a trend. Never agin will I will never date another man with a nesting partner ever again. The longest other than Murf was 6 months.

 

[kdt26417]

Re (from VoluptuousChef):

"Hey Kevin,
Do any of you live together?"

Yes, all three of us live in the same house. I sleep in one bedroom, Brother-Husband and Snowbunny sleep in the other bedroom. This arrangement works fine for me, I like sleeping alone. And I snore, whereas Brother-Husband has a CPAP machine.

Re:

"So basically it takes time ..."

Yes; it takes time. Time, patience, and determination.

 

[Voluptuouschef]

My question would be are you looking for another partner or a casual fling? Why do you want to try poly. While I love my life this is the hardest thing I have ever done. And poly destroys more relationships than not.

I've never had a casual fling, the idea of it doesn't appeal to me really. Actually sitting here thinking I realized I've never dated either. I had boyfriends and a couple of girlfriends in high school, met my husband right before I graduated. Got married, had a meet up but no sex with a chick along the way, had a BF who knew I was married and wanted me to get divorced and marry him. My husband was unaware for half of it, well sort of, he let me go on dates but convinced himself it was friendly. We worked it out and now here we are.
When I first started researching poly it was because I literally typed the question "why can't I be monogomous?" Into Google last year. It's not my mindset, men and women tell me all the time I don't act like I'm married, and I ask them how does one do that? I guess your supposed to not look at anyone else not flirt and mention your spouse a lot. I don't. I've only been able to maintain mono for a few years at a time before I start looking for another person to be with in addition to my husband. I think it's a good way to stop the cycle of cheating and being dishonest which I loathe. I don't get excited by being sneaky I hate it. I just want to be able to say, I'm seeing this guy or I'm interested in this woman and have it be okay. Have him understand that i need that to be myself.
I've been in therapy it didn't help me with what ever is in me that makes me this way. It's been hard so far and I'm assuming it will only get harder. I don't want kitchen table poly, I don't want another full blown relationship where I have to actually maintain another husband, I work way too much for that. I think I'd be good with a secondary awesome person who's like my close friend, can meet my husband and not have a pissing contest, I get to get together with occasionally, do stuff and have rough awesome sex. And I think if I found someone in the same boat as myself, married and with a spouse that is open to the poly idea we could be together for years and I'd be good. I've never had flings or casual sex just relationship and intimacy with people I trust and love. Does all that make sense? I guess that's what my poly would look like. I've tried to convince my husband to date, he is not even remotely interested.

 

[Leetah]

There are definitely people here who have relationships set up as you describe. If you browse through the Life Stories and Blogs area you will find them. As far as I have read you will have to meet and get to know a bunch of people before you find one who is compatible, just like making any type of friend.

Leetah

 

[Ravenscroft]

Never agin will I will never date another man with a nesting partner ever again.

There are compicating factors, IME. In one, I lived in an FMF (FFM?) triad. Later, I moved in with an open MF. Bothwent rather well for years. You might be referring to a "marriage+" sort of thing, though.

Once is a fluke, twice is a coincidence, third time is a trend.

My experience exactly!! (Admittedly, I've got a statistics outlook. )

 

[WhatHappened]

My privacy was invaded.
.....
.... I spoke with my feet. Once is a fluke, twice is a coincidence, third time is a trend. Never agin will I will never date another man with a nesting partner ever again. The longest other than Murf was 6 months.

And posts like this is EXACTLY why I'm glad I came to this forum.

XBF's wife completely invaded my privacy. She tried twice to walk in on us. When I refused to give her any chance to try a third time, she started playing games. I voted with my feet, too. I told him why. He told me I was imagining things. I said pretty much what you did. Multiple times with 100% consistency is not a mistake.

 

[lunabunny]

Hi Luna,
I think I read another post where you are moving to their country and trying to figure out who to marry, boho in my opinion, and you guys will all live together? That sounds so exciting!! I'm happy for you! My husband says he is content as well and while his sex drive is normal/high, it's not as... uh varied? as mine and mine tends to be a little higher. His has increased over the years, I think this transition would have been easier emotionally several years ago when his drive was much much lower then mine. Did you divorce because of being poly?

Thank you for your words of encouragement, Voluptuouschef.

Yes, at this stage, the plan is to marry Boho and move to The States. I will be seeing her in Europe in another couple of months and cannot wait, however, both of our divorces need to come through before we can make concrete plans for me to move overseas permanently.

No, I did not divorce due to being poly, or directly because of these relationships. My husband of 25 years and myself had been living apart for work reasons for quite some time, and had drifted apart emotionally as well due to the physical separation and after our kids had become independent. He and I are still the best of friends, and both of us are in new relationships.

For the record, I don't consider myself truly "poly" by orientation, though I concede that might be splitting hairs. I never intentionally set out to live a polyamorous lifestyle, but just happened to fall in love with two people (we were all mutual friends). Our group is a closed V, essentially.