Married Partner who is DADT

M

missyb

New member
One of my partners is married and is an a DADT agreement with his wife.

It is super hard and I'm not sure how to deal with it.

She told him that he is free to pursue other relationships but she doesn't want to know about them or have them affect their relationship. This has become painful to me at times as it is also long distance and when we're talking he will sometimes have to go suddenly to be at her beck and call. We've known one another for over fifteen years and are close friends as well as lovers but it's getting hard. I don't think our relationship will ever go away, but I don't know how to keep myself sane in this situation. We have only been lovers for a few months, so things are still new.
 
My soontobeexhusband insisted on DADT with me. The only reason it was do-able was that my husband works all the time so I had uninterrupted time to spend with a lover without him knowing I was out, and none of my relationships ever evolved beyond casual. I always argued that if I got serious with someone, DADT would become unsustainable.

It is designed to keep you firmly in a "secondary" position while preserving the marriage. You need to decide if you're ok with that, because it probably won't change without causing much drama between husband and wife. With this arrangement, you won't ever be invited to big life events, because the wife will be there. You will certainly never cohabitate or be seen together on Facebook, and you'll always have to be somewhat discreet when you're out together. If that's ok with you, DADT can work, and actually feel kind of fun sneaking around.

If it's simply a matter of you getting upset because he has to get off the phone with you, you could always ask him only to call you when he has uninterrupted time. I think DADT can work fine in a long distance, casual relationship. But if you're looking for more than casual, DADT makes it difficult. That's actually the point.
 
DADT is simply that...DADT. How does you two talking on the phone get in the way of their relationship or break the DADT policy? Are you sure his wife actually knows about you?

I was once in a relationship with a married man whose wife had the DADT policy. I was one of three gf's to this man. His wife knew of us all, and would never interrupt him if he was on the phone with any of us or out with any of us on a date night. I think it was just out of respect. His plans with her and his children came first, and then his free time was divided between the rest of us.
 
She doesn't want to know who he is in relationship with - period.

So when we're talking, she doesn't want to know he's talking to another woman. She knows he has another relationship, but she wants to remain completely in the dark about it.

I'm sure she knows because I finally asked him to tell her that he's with me when he's with me, and he did that the last time we saw one another. She did not interrupt. She doesn't know who I am but she knows he's with someone when we're out somewhere. Maybe I just need to be more clear that this applies to other times we're talking too.
 
I'm sorry you struggle.

I don't know if my POV could help you any. In case it does...

She told him that he is free to pursue other relationships but she doesn't want to know about them or have them affect their relationship.
Click to expand...

I could see DADT working out if it is like "I agree to participate in a polyship model of 'everything separate.' I don't want to know about every single date you go on. Your date nights are X, I don't ask about what happens then and you do not tell me. I do want a heads up if it is going to go lover. I expect a round of labs and safer sex practices. If you have problems with your other partner, I don't want to hear about it. I expect if we have problems, you aren't telling them about us." Stuff like that is setting preferences and boundaries to me.

I could not see it working out if it is more like "I want to be an ostrich and pretend I am not in a polyship model of any kind. Enable me to pretend."

But their agreements and whether or not they work for them are between them. I don't see this as a (him and her) thing. I see this as a (you and him) thing.

This is what seems to bother you:

when we're talking he will sometimes have to go suddenly to be at her beck and call.
Click to expand...

It doesn't make a difference why he chooses to cut the call short. You do not like it.

But I see no mention of what the (you + him) agreements are. What are they? How do you like to be treated?

If he is the one making a phone date with you or accepting a phone date from you? And he is the one bowing out suddenly? It is HIS behavior you object to. Why is he not able to go to a bookstore or somewhere quiet so he isn't interrupted? Manage his time better?

I see this as a problem you have with HIS behavior.

If my partner asks me out for Friday and I accept, and later calls to tell me "oops, I forgot I had to go to a parent teacher meeting" -- that isn't the fault of the kid, the teacher, the co-parent. That is my partner being careless about his time management. Ask me out when you are actually FREE and able to be PRESENT. Sort it out before asking me.

I know it sometimes can be an honest mistake. But if this is CHRONIC, I'd be re-evalauting if he's worth spending time with when he's so flaky about this time/undependable with follow through.

It could be tempting to blame her or their DADT agreements... but the behavior bothering you right now is his. He's the one bailing on phone in a way you do not like.

If it is just a "howdy call" and not a phone date, then "Ok, it is my bus stop. Gotta run! Love ya!" might be acceptable. Nobody expected it to be a long call. It is just a howdy.

But if it planned like an LDR long call phone date and he chronically cuts out? Of course that behavior feels ugh. I do not think it is acceptable to ask someone for a phone date and then make a habit of flaking out. Is it acceptable to you? No? Then you could set your own preferences and boundaries in your relationship with him and make him aware of how you would like to be treated on phone calls that are phone dates vs casual howdy calls.

Once made aware, if he fails to treat you how you want to be treated? Could choose to stop hanging with him.

Galagirl
 
Last edited:
Interesting choice of words: "at her beck and call."

It may be easy to critical of his wife for the DADT, and for needing him when you want his time, too, but really, he agreed to DADT (he didn't have to) and he's the one getting off the phone instead of saying, "I'll be there when I finish my call" - so, he is as much a party to it as she is. Don't be so quick to judge and blame her, and just keep your expectations in check. Schedule time to talk to him when he knows he has enough time, and don't indulge in a hissy fit when he has to jump off the phone. You agreed to the parameters, too, so you can't have a cow when he isn't as available as a regular kind of boyfriend. Unrealistic expectations are the biggest cause of disappointment in life. Perhaps, if you are the type that needs long, soulful conversations and lots of attention on a regular or daily basis, this isn't the relationship for you.
 
Last edited:
Thank you so much, everyone.

I really appreciate your response, GalaGirl - you're right - my issue is with him, not her and their agreement.

I don't think I've done a very good job of asking for anything or outlining my needs. I am new to poly and I think I need to get better at speaking up more. Thank you.
 
Glad it helped some.

I don't think I've done a very good job of asking for anything or outlining my needs. I am new to poly and I think I need to get better at speaking up more.
Click to expand...

Good for you -- make him aware of your preferences for "phone date" and preferences for "casual howdy call."

And then ask him to repeat back what you just said so you are both clear on expectations of behavior. We teach others how we want to be treated.

GL!
Galagirl
 
I was in precisely your situation. Guess what? Ultimately, it was his decision to follow it, not hers. When I asked him about it, turned out he did not like it and both of us worked to ease her out of the policy, while still respecting her feelings.

Here's a brief excerpt from the "More Than Two" book. I think it may help you to see yourself as a game changer, rather than a disruptor.

"A game changer is a relationship that causes us to rethink all our relationships, and maybe even our lives, entirely." (page 248) (The authors also note that game changers may not be romantic partners, but also things like promotions, new babies, etc., and may also be negative people or events, such as job loss, death in the family, dysfunctional relationships, etc.)
A bar-raiser "may show you new things, make you happier, help you realize you can have something you never thought possible, help you see the world in a different light. They may lead you to want more, or they may help you to be more." ... "It shows us we don't have to live with compromises we once thought were unavoidable." (pages 373-374)

If we'd realized that was what I represented going in, I think it would have helped everyone. "Game changers" are very scary to a relationship, and, if that's what you end up being, you may need to be sensitive to that. Doesn't mean that you can't firmly stand up for yourself. But I'd read up on that, if I were you.
 
Thanks - that sounds really awesome. I will check it out for sure. I must get my hands on a copy of that book.

We had a long talk this morning and all of my needs were okay with him and it was a really great conversation. I so appreciate all of you and your advice/support. Turns out he was feeling really guilty about me being the one to travel most of the time and so he felt bad asking to see me - things like that. So I explained I really enjoy traveling alone (he doesn't) and don't mind at all. We also discussed how we would handle "howdy" talks vs. "date talks" and that is working out really well. He has already demonstrated a lot of respect for all of the things discussed. <3
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top