May seem silly, but a kiss is a kiss

S

sonyablu

New member
Hi. So this may seem odd, but I'm not sure how to process this.

I'm in a V, with my SO being the hinge. We are close, but to be honest, our relationship has been rather rocky in the past. Rockier than the other relationship he's in. So I'll admit right out front that I'm over sensitive these days to things, because of our history. So I'm here to hopefully get some insight, or get told to just chillax.

This may seem small and silly, but I'm getting irked by our kissing. When we're together, just me and him, he kisses me all sorts of ways. Passionately, sweetly, on the forehead. But when we are around his other SO, it is amazing how often I end up being kissed on just the forehead. This wouldn't worry me as much if he was similar with his other girlie. Problem is, it's amazing how often he will kiss her proper on the lips, then I just get a peck on the head, if I get a kiss at all. It's been happening for ages, I've mentioned it before, even going so far as asking if he actually likes kissing me properly, cause ok. That would hurt, but if for some reason he didn't like to kiss me, then I guess I'd just have to accept that. But this seems... well... odd. And with other things that have happened, I've started to have doubts. So yeah. If you think I'm being stoopid, please let me know.

And yes, I have already talked to him about this, more than once. Most recently being tonight, where he told me I was being stupid, even though he had literally done the forehead kiss to me TWICE! :s
 
So plant a proper kiss on him instead when he goes to kiss you on the forehead
 
Why not say, in the moment, "Lips please, not forehead!" or even, "Uh-oh, that kind of kiss is for a child - I'm not 10 years old! Plant one on my lips!" Say it with a sense of humor, not anger.

Have you ever asked his other girlfriend if she is uncomfortable with his kissing you on the mouth or if she made it a rule for him when he is out with both of you? Because that is just stupid. If his relationship with her is determining how he is with you, you shouldn't stand for it.
 
I have used humour a number of times, and sometimes it works. At other times I'm lucky if a get a peck on the lips, and then it's a bit "Well if I have to" feeling.

I haven't asked about rules. But then I'd be surprised if there was anything like that. His other gf and I get on well, and it would be odd for her to stipulate something like that.

To be honest, I feel awkward having to keep asking for him to kiss me properly. It seems a little petty I guess, but for me, I feel like it's the kind of kiss you give someone you're not actually intimate with like we are. Like a friend, or family member. And the fact that he will literally give his other gf a big passionate kiss, then just give me a forehead peck... and this has been happening for months... that I've talked to him about this before, and I either get a joke made of it, or like tonight, he gets pissed off at me and tells me it's the most stupid thing he's heard.

I have tried just ignoring it, but it goes along with other stuff like having him basically stop paying attention to me while his other gf is around. Unfortunately, she's picked up on tension, and now doesn't get very physical with him around me, which is a horrible thing for her to feel like she has to do. :s
 
We are in our thirties. It is his first experience with poly, but not mine or his other gf. Technically, there isn't a hierarchy, though he does spend a lot more time with me. She is in another relationship too. So I guess more realistically, it's an N, with me one of the tails, and her other SO the other tail. I'm currently only in one relationship. Not because I'm mono as such, but I'm demi, so it takes a while for me to actually want to be in a relationship with someone. I haven't really met anyone I'm seriously wanting to be with other than my bf.

Him and I already do spend a lot of time together, so see her less isn't really an option. And to be honest, I don't think this really has anything to do with her directly, so won't want to see her having to lessen her time because of something like this. She's a lovely person, and I do like spending time with her. It's actually more how he is around both of us, with a healthy dose of me being over sensitive because of things that have happened previously
 
That is really weird! He will willingly give her a real mouth kiss in front of you, but won't give you a willing mouth kiss in front of her! But he gives you good kisses when you are alone?

Because if he doesn't, is there a chance you have a dental or gastro issue causing halitosis? Just trying to think of all the reasons!
 
I think the only thing you can do is confront him again and when he attempts to laugh it off or call you stupid, then say, "This isn't a joke and I don't appreciate the name-calling. There has to be a reason for it, and I want an answer now. You know it's an issue for me and avoiding talking to me about it is frustrating and insulting. Why do you continue to do this when you know I don't like it?"

Stand your ground!
 
Ask him why he does that. Do so in a curious, non-accusatory way. He will hopefully answer you instead of shutting down like he's is now. Being curious about it may let him start thinking consciously about why.
 
Honestly, if this was the only thing, I would say let it go. He for any reason doesn't like to kiss when she is around, then she isn't? You two don't have to understand everything. Accept without resentment if you can.

If you cannot? Thats ok, but then it seems likely that the kissing thing is not all there is. I would look deeper and address the whole issue and not just one behaviour.
You mentioned:
it goes along with other stuff like having him basically stop paying attention to me while his other gf is around.
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You also said he spends a lot more time with you then with her.

My first guess? She is scarce to him. He would like to spend more time with her 1:1, and when she finally comes along, he doesn't want to devide attention.
Maybe it would indeed be helpful, if you could leave them more alone time, and/or differentiate between (their date with you being around, with the understanding that he is there for her), and (a get together of three, with the understanding that this is social time and not really romance time).
You could be ok with leaving her time to them and asking for extra attention before or after, if that is what you really need. For the kiss you don't get at that time, you get another at night ;)
My second guess? You are affraid of being "less then" (was that your past issue, feeling ignored for someone else?). I don't have a real suggestion for that, others may be wiser.
 
Tinwen said:
Maybe it would indeed be helpful, if you could leave them more alone time, and/or differentiate between (their date with you being around, with the understanding that he is there for her), and (a get together of three, with the understanding that this is social time and not really romance time).
You could be ok with leaving her time to them and asking for extra attention before or after, if that is what you really need. For the kiss you don't get at that time, you get another at night ;)
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I agree with this
 
She is scarce to him. He would like to spend more time with her 1:1, and when she finally comes along, he doesn't want to devide attention.
Maybe it would indeed be helpful, if you could leave them more alone time, and/or differentiate between (their date with you being around, with the understanding that he is there for her), and (a get together of three, with the understanding that this is social time and not really romance time).
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See, I'm actually not the one determining how much time they spend together. We have a weekly timetable that was mostly determined by them. I kinda just got told about it after it was drawn up. I pointed out at the time that it would have been cool to actually have been part of that drawing up process, rather than get told after the fact that that was how it was, but then I didn't have any clashes with it so I went with it. Being left out of discussions about things that impact me has been an issue that hopefully has been resolved.

But yeah, you are right, he doesn't get to spend as much time with her. This isn't because I've demanded extra time though, or I'm crashing on their time. I'm also proactive about protecting what time they do have by telling both of them that I'm all good if they want to swap, or even just have one of my evenings if they don't get to have that time for some reason. Frequently that's turned down though. The times together we're talking about with this are usually when she's come over to my place to hang out, or at times that have already been decided are group time like family outings. It's already agreed that it isn't their date time.

My second guess? You are afraid of being "less then" (was that your past issue, feeling ignored for someone else?).
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Lol yeah, I did mention that I was over sensitive, but the past issue was actually between me and him, and is long and complicated and is being worked on by us now. TL:DR version is that he did actually put her needs ahead of mine for a long time, something he has come out and stated was something he was actually doing. But hey, these things are a work in progress, aye.
 
sonyablu said:
See, I'm actually not the one determining how much time they spend together. We have a weekly timetable that was mostly determined by them. I kinda just got told about it after it was drawn up. I pointed out at the time that it would have been cool to actually have been part of that drawing up process, rather than get told after the fact that that was how it was, but then I didn't have any clashes with it so I went with it. Being left out of discussions about things that impact me has been an issue that hopefully has been resolved.
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You have got to be kidding me. They arranged a schedule for you and you went along with it? I just. cannot. fathom...
 
They arranged a schedule for you and you went along with it? I just. cannot. fathom...
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Trust me, I did say something at the time about it being uncool. And now we have a lot more open communication (says she as she's looking at the three month planner on her wall...) But yes, it was one of the problems we've had to work through... But I looked at the timetable, and didn't actually see anything wrong with the schedule, so decided that it was wiser to not make a big fuss about it, and upset people. As I said, my bf and I have had a rockier relationship than they have, and I'm pretty conscious of being the squeaky wheel in this situation.

Edit: Also, don't forget that the schedule does give me more time. It was one of those weird situations where I felt upset because I hadn't been included, but by being upset I seemed ungrateful for the good deal in front of me. So, to be honest, I actually wasn't sure how to react to it at first.

But of the days that I'm with my BF, they were decided based on whether she was spending time with her other partner, and time she had allocated to herself. When I went "Hey, you should have talked to me about this before deciding what days were whos", my bf basically told me that the days they'd decided on together were the only days she had free. :s
 
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Hmm, it seems that you often opt to be overly willing or overly generous just to avoid upsetting one or both of them. Yet it is you who remains upset. Who is going to be overly generous on your behalf so that you're not left unsatisfied and upset?

It's going to have to be you. You have to risk people being upset in order to speak up for yourself. You're not responsible for their reactions, but you are responsible to take care of YOU.
 
nycindie said:
Hmm, it seems that you often opt to be overly willing or overly generous just to avoid upsetting one or both of them. Yet it is you who remains upset. Who is going to be overly generous on your behalf so that you're not left unsatisfied and upset?

It's going to have to be you. You have to risk people being upset in order to speak up for yourself. You're not responsible for their reactions, but you are responsible to take care of YOU.
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yeah, you're right. Sometimes I don't know how these things are going to affect me, so I opt for the less confrontational path, especially when I can see that it wasn't intentional dickishness on their part. At other times though, I'm blindsided - and I'm left asking WTF just happened. These times I just go into me space, and try to figure out what's going on in my head, how I feel. Because TBH some of this stuff really confuses me LOL

I have tried to speak up more though, but it isn't easy when I have other people who seem to take things so personally, or dismiss what I've said as me just being stupid. And if I spoke up about every little thing, then I'd just be complaining all the time, and not really addressing the issue. Guess that's why I came here, to just try and figure if I should just let this one go, or maybe get some sense of what might be underlieing this stuff so I can get a better sense of direction.

If it's because he doesn't feel he's spending enough time with her, well I don't really know what I can or should do other than what I'm already doing. I've already told both of them that they can swap time out, and I do leave them alone when they are off in another room together so that I don't encroach on that intimate time - funny thing is that I then get told I should just walk in anyway, which seems to contradict if my bf is actually wanting more alone time with her. So, I don't know.... :s
 
OK, I tried to just go with something simple, like bad breath, but it seems there is something more complex going on than a mere lack of kissing.

How long have you been with bf? How long has he been with the other woman? Does anyone live together? Do bf or the OW have other partners they live with?

What do you mean, your relationship with bf is "rocky," and try to say it without comparing yourself to OW.

Do you get enough one on one time with bf? Does he feel he gets enough one on one time with OW?

Do you three share sex all together? Are you women both bi? Why would they invite you to come in to be with them when they are being "intimate"(fucking?)? If this is something you three do, sex a trois, do you like it? Does she? Or are there bad feelings around this?

Is there some kind of semi buried resentment on your part? On bf's part? Why do you feel if you spoke up, you'd be complaining all the time?

Is there any way that you and OW could never share space, so bf can focus on one or the other of you, and not feel split down the middle, doling out the "proper" amount of attention to each of you (as well as any kids involved, since you mention family time)?
 
sonyablu said:
If it's because he doesn't feel he's spending enough time with her, well I don't really know what I can or should do other than what I'm already doing. I've already told both of them that they can swap time out, and I do leave them alone when they are off in another room together so that I don't encroach on that intimate time - funny thing is that I then get told I should just walk in anyway, which seems to contradict if my bf is actually wanting more alone time with her. So, I don't know.... :s
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So forget it. If it is them who determined the schedule, it's probably a bad guess.

You will have to actually get his answer.

Or, you don't care about the reason and just request equal treatment.
We talk about boundaries a lot on this forum. Boundary is something, you make for your self, to ensure that your standards are met. It could go for example like this: I expect to be kissed properly, with affection, even if she is around. I will gently remind my partner once. If he doesn't change his behavior, I will... and on the blank spot you fill in cosequences. That could be leaving the room, not inviting her over next time, breaking up, or anything you can think of that is in your power and you are willing to follow through. I am having a hard time figuring out what would be effective here, but you may know better.
Set a boundary. You may tell your partner or not.
I have tried to speak up more though, but it isn't easy when I have other people who seem to take things so personally, or dismiss what I've said as me just being stupid. And if I spoke up about every little thing, then I'd just be complaining all the time, and not really addressing the issue.
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This is extremely bad. You should not tolerate that. NO ONE EVER should be telling you that you are stupid for feeling what you are feeling.

Are you sure you want to stay in a relationship where you feel like complaining all the time???
 
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Ok, here goes LOL

OK, I tried to just go with something simple, like bad breath, but it seems there is something more complex going on than a mere lack of kissing.
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Lol ya think? That's why I came here

How long have you been with bf? How long has he been with the other woman? Does anyone live together? Do bf or the OW have other partners they live with?
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We have been officially together a year and a half. We have known each other 7. He asked both of us out on the same day. Technically, he is supposed to be splitting his living space between my place, her place, and another place. In practice he's spending most of it at mine. I'm trying really hard to not place more importance on the fact he is, because he assures me that it's only until he gets his own space - he doesn't want to actually be 'living' with me as such, and actually would prefer to have a communal situation with both me and his other girl. (See more about this below) There are no other people involved than the 4 I've mentioned:

Me --- bf ---- his gf --- her gf.

What do you mean, your relationship with bf is "rocky," and try to say it without comparing yourself to OW.
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Rocky... hm. OK, without comparing myself (and I really am trying, because a lot of the things that have happened have been really in that context) Please note, that I don't blame or resent his gf in any of this, and a lot of this has been addressed. Also, in all fairness, he has significant memory issues most likely to some previous head injuries:

* Issues with him not keeping dates/etc with me because he was spending time with his gf - eg: breaking arrangement to go to a movie with me that we'd both wanted to see and later finding out that they'd gone together; forgetting he was going to meet me because he'd decided to have dinner with his gf
* Issues around sex as a group (see below)
* Situations like this: he was asked what he had been attracted to about both of us. He proceeded to spend a whole lot of time telling people about what attracted him to his gf at first, but he didn't mention me once the entire time. I walked off because I got extremely upset, and when he came to check on me, he admitted he couldn't remember much of what I was like when he first met me
* Having him call me her name A LOT... and yes, I know this is one of those poly things that happen... But I do mean A LOT... to the point that he calls me something else because he still has trouble remembering my name. While this does affect his gf, it is something that I've had a lot more to deal with.
* Having him literally forget I'm in the same room, to the point where he will say goodbye/etc to his gf and walk right past me.
* A whole lot of other stuff, that I don't have time to write down, but I think you get the idea.


Do you get enough one on one time with bf? Does he feel he gets enough one on one time with OW?
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Yes I do. I don't know about how he feels about the time he spends with her. I've asked, and the response I get is basically "don't worry about it"

Do you three share sex all together? Are you women both bi? Why would they invite you to come in to be with them when they are being "intimate"(fucking?)? If this is something you three do, sex a trois, do you like it? Does she? Or are there bad feelings around this?
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Both women are bi: I identify as romantic hetro, but can be sexually attracted to women. She identifies as lesbian, but is romantically and sexually attracted to him

We used to, but it became really awkward, especially because a) There have been a few times where he'd start playing with me in front of her, and basically it seemed he was using me as bait to get her into bed. b) on more than one occasion, we started all fooling around, and by the end I was basically sidelined while they were getting their jollies. I'd tried to get involved and basically was ignored. It got so bad that I literally have got up and walked out.

Because of this, I actually don't want to be in a sexual situation with both of them again. BTW, the invites are when they're just cuddling and talking alone, not sex.


Is there some kind of semi buried resentment on your part? On bf's part? Why do you feel if you spoke up, you'd be complaining all the time?
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Possibly on my part. I have been very hurt be some of this, and we have broken up a couple of times already. And I don't know about my bf. I feel like I'd be complaining all the time, because I would be LOL and that's not cool


Is there any way that you and OW could never share space, so bf can focus on one or the other of you, and not feel split down the middle, doling out the "proper" amount of attention to each of you (as well as any kids involved, since you mention family time)?
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Um... not likely. We did live together, and we just don't work well together. It is better that we aren't actually living together lol
 
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