maybe he's a coyboy?? but I'm falling for someone. please help!

F

Fern

New member
From the getgo my primary partner knew I was poly. I read books, forums, talked about it, hada primary, long term poly partner i was drifing apart from (and ultimately left), told him about my other, very casual, lover, went to a talk on it....we talked and he had no experience with it but said it seemed like the way relationships should be, to be most conscious and loving. We went travelling together, and at some point he either changed his mind, or was a cowboy all along, as I found in the definitions....

COWBOY: Colloquial A monogamous man who engages in a relationship with a polyamorous woman with the intention of separating her from any other partners and bringing her into a monogamous relationship.

So when I bring it up to him now, it starts a fight every time. He gets angry, jealous, defensive. Then I get defensive. It's tough to talk about it. I'd nearly given up, except now....well you know what I'm about to say. We're hanging out with a mutual friend who I had potential with before we traveled and i cant help how drawn and attracted i feel. He asked me if I was still poly and I explained what was going on. But I haven't told my friend I have feelings for him .

I want to talk to my primary again, but it may be bad timing....though, that's not what my heart says. I love him, am still in love with him, and want to work it out somehow. I feel like i can love many people even if that's not how he would do it. Please help, i cant ask my monogamous friends for input. ❤
 
I dunno if he is a cowboy, with all of the malevolence that implies. It sounds to me as though you imagined you might change him and he imagined he might change you. That's extremely common to discover during a relationship and often the reason the people involved decide to move on. No harm, no foul - just helpful information to have about each other going forward.
 
I am sorry you struggle.

If he knew you were poly all along and you have not promised you would be Closed... I think you could go ahead and date the new guy. If you did agree to Close, you could tell him you can no longer meet that agreement to give him a heads up that you no longer will be adhering to it. Then move on to date new guy.

If he has changed his mind about poly? His willingness to continue to participate belongs to him. You guys could end it and you could move on if he is no longer willing or able to participate in a polyship with you.

Have the conversation you want to be having. Then you can be clear on where things stand between you. Could this link about conflict resolution help?

http://www.mindtools.com/pages/article/newLDR_81.htm

I could be wrong...but if he is a cowboy it is not like he would up and tell you. If he is not a cowboy and you tell him he is being something he is not, it seems provoking/attacking.

Rather than getting the conversation stuck on the cowboy thing, move on what you really want to be talking about... You dating a new person.


"I would like to date a new person. Are you still willing to participate in a polyship with me if I go there?"

If still willing, date new person.
If not willing, pause to set him free, then move on to date new person.

You cannot be a mind reader... So could ask him where his current willingness lies.

Galagirl
 
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Hi Fern,

I can't tell if your primary partner is a cowboy, but I can tell he doesn't want you to be polyamorous. I think you need to ask yourself, "How important is it to me to continue practicing polyamory in my life? Is it more important to me than my current relationship with my primary partner? or, am I ready to give polyamory up for his sake and live monogamously for the rest of my life? Could I be happy if I did that?"

You have three options:

  • Stay with your current primary partner but become monogamous for him,
  • Break up with your current primary partner and remain polyamorous,
  • Stay with your current partner but keep trying to convince him to let you be polyamorous.
I'm thinking you're in for a lot of fights if you attempt that third option. I don't think your partner is going to change his mind. He is firmly opposed to polyamory, and that's that. Maybe he told you in the past that polyamory sounded good to him, but he was kidding you and/or kidding himself at the time. More and more I think the truth is coming out.

Still you can try that third option for awhile. See how it goes. You might want to place a time limit though on how long you're willing to wait for him to come around and favor polyamory "again."

Since you are the closest to the situation, and know him better than I do, your judgment should stand whatever you decide to do.
 
Regardless of his initial intent the end result is that you have found yourself stuck in a monogamous relationship. Talk about pulling the rug out from under you. I would simply state I'm interested in dating others as was our original agreement and commence doing so. This is no different than agreeing on monogamy and then changing the rules by expecting poly. Each partner must decide what is more important to themselves and proceed in that direction with or without their partner. Changing the original agreement of a relationship always sucks and blindsides one of the partners. Hell its like going into a marriage agreeing you both want children and then one partner changes their mind.
 
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