Please be kind with me. I am a jealous, egotistic person. I know nothing about poly. I have done wrong things, and I am still doing some. But I want to learn. I want to explore. I want to change.
My wife and I had a decade of mono, happy marriage. We have been in fact the poster children for marriage: loving, caring, understanding, supporting... We've had a very beautiful relationship.
But as years passed, our sexual needs started to diverge. I am in my early 50's and her in her early 40's. Previously, we had a very good sex life. But her appetite waned. I tried and tried to entice her into trying different things, or even just going back to doing it 2/3 times a week, at no avail. We stagnated in a once-a-week-or-so morass that made me very unhappy. I became a chronic masturbator. I was bitter. Until she told me to get a lover -but hide it from her.
I gave this idea a lot of thought. I am not into sex without emotions, so I needed someone I could love. And it came to happen that the woman I felt attracted to, and loved as a friend, is my wife's best friend. So after quite a bit of time we became secret lovers. I loathed the "secret" part, but was happy otherwise. I felt love for both of them, and felt very loved by both of them. My sex life was finally fulfilling again -it even became better with my beloved wife.
And then, bang! I discovered my wife also had a secret lover for the last month. She had been hiding it in any way she could, but I found out by chance. She told me that she loved me to bits, that she wanted to stay married to me no matter what, but she couldn't guarantee stopping the affair. Honestly, my first reaction was one of relief, and I proposed keeping our marriage intact, and also keeping our lovers. She wholeheartly agreed, but told me her affair wouldn't last a couple of months anyway. That it was just sex. We discussed safer sex, etc. We were happy for some hours.
And then I started crying my eyes out. I felt a pain akin to someone near and dear dying. I cannot begin to describe the hurting I felt.
I think a lot of my pain has to do with the lying. I honestly think that if she had come forward and told me she wanted to have sex with another man, we could had come to something given some time. But I can't really know, since that did not happen.
I know a lot of my pain has to do with her choice of lover: a toxic ex BF that has too many bad things to list, including some very nasty drug habits. I honestly think of him as a walking STD risk. I am also monumentaly jealous of him, because I always knew that their sexual rapport was excellent. And, let's call a spade a spade, has a large penis which she loves. I am quite average in that category.
Then two parallel things happened: I told her I thought I could not go on with our deal given my extreme feelings about her choice of lover (which I had not foreseen), and that said lover hightailed as soon as he knew I knew, never to be heard again in the two months that have elapsed (See why I dislike him so much?).
So now we are in a V. The three of us spend wonderful, loving times toghether as friends, and apart from some ocassional pang, the girls aren't jealous at all. But I am. I fear the idea that my wife will eventually get a BF. I oftentimes mull about her affair. I have become controlling about her whereabouts and who she is with. I resent when she flirts with someone else. I am now a possesive person -even if she is sharing me with her best friend. I am not sure if I can face her having a BF.
And here, ladies and gents, is where I need to ask you: Do you think I am just traumatized by the lying and cheating, and could become poly as a heal, or am I just a jealous SOB? I need to tell you straight away my feelings: I feel like an egotistical bastard, as I want to keep my GF but don't want my wife to have a BF. At least for the time being. I know that is terribly unfair, but those are my honest wishes. I want to change, but we still don't know if I should make a slow transition towards poly, go back to monogamy, or just concentrate on healing my relation with the wife first. The trouble with the last two options would be hurting GF, which neither my wife or I want to do. Nor do I want to separate from her. Both wife and I are on the fence.
Please, if you could gently guide me, I would be very gratefull. I feel I am lost on uncharted waters.
My wife and I had a decade of mono, happy marriage. We have been in fact the poster children for marriage: loving, caring, understanding, supporting... We've had a very beautiful relationship.
But as years passed, our sexual needs started to diverge. I am in my early 50's and her in her early 40's. Previously, we had a very good sex life. But her appetite waned. I tried and tried to entice her into trying different things, or even just going back to doing it 2/3 times a week, at no avail. We stagnated in a once-a-week-or-so morass that made me very unhappy. I became a chronic masturbator. I was bitter. Until she told me to get a lover -but hide it from her.
I gave this idea a lot of thought. I am not into sex without emotions, so I needed someone I could love. And it came to happen that the woman I felt attracted to, and loved as a friend, is my wife's best friend. So after quite a bit of time we became secret lovers. I loathed the "secret" part, but was happy otherwise. I felt love for both of them, and felt very loved by both of them. My sex life was finally fulfilling again -it even became better with my beloved wife.
And then, bang! I discovered my wife also had a secret lover for the last month. She had been hiding it in any way she could, but I found out by chance. She told me that she loved me to bits, that she wanted to stay married to me no matter what, but she couldn't guarantee stopping the affair. Honestly, my first reaction was one of relief, and I proposed keeping our marriage intact, and also keeping our lovers. She wholeheartly agreed, but told me her affair wouldn't last a couple of months anyway. That it was just sex. We discussed safer sex, etc. We were happy for some hours.
And then I started crying my eyes out. I felt a pain akin to someone near and dear dying. I cannot begin to describe the hurting I felt.
I think a lot of my pain has to do with the lying. I honestly think that if she had come forward and told me she wanted to have sex with another man, we could had come to something given some time. But I can't really know, since that did not happen.
I know a lot of my pain has to do with her choice of lover: a toxic ex BF that has too many bad things to list, including some very nasty drug habits. I honestly think of him as a walking STD risk. I am also monumentaly jealous of him, because I always knew that their sexual rapport was excellent. And, let's call a spade a spade, has a large penis which she loves. I am quite average in that category.
Then two parallel things happened: I told her I thought I could not go on with our deal given my extreme feelings about her choice of lover (which I had not foreseen), and that said lover hightailed as soon as he knew I knew, never to be heard again in the two months that have elapsed (See why I dislike him so much?).
So now we are in a V. The three of us spend wonderful, loving times toghether as friends, and apart from some ocassional pang, the girls aren't jealous at all. But I am. I fear the idea that my wife will eventually get a BF. I oftentimes mull about her affair. I have become controlling about her whereabouts and who she is with. I resent when she flirts with someone else. I am now a possesive person -even if she is sharing me with her best friend. I am not sure if I can face her having a BF.
And here, ladies and gents, is where I need to ask you: Do you think I am just traumatized by the lying and cheating, and could become poly as a heal, or am I just a jealous SOB? I need to tell you straight away my feelings: I feel like an egotistical bastard, as I want to keep my GF but don't want my wife to have a BF. At least for the time being. I know that is terribly unfair, but those are my honest wishes. I want to change, but we still don't know if I should make a slow transition towards poly, go back to monogamy, or just concentrate on healing my relation with the wife first. The trouble with the last two options would be hurting GF, which neither my wife or I want to do. Nor do I want to separate from her. Both wife and I are on the fence.
Please, if you could gently guide me, I would be very gratefull. I feel I am lost on uncharted waters.
So the BF didn't really ditch her? She just decided to try to go back to a lying cover up? I am sorry, it must be awful. I hope she hasn't been doing anything else secretly. Take good care of yourself as you deal with this.